Accepting uncertainty

[MarkJames3]

Hi Guys,

This has been one of the roughest weeks I have had with my anxiety… I just don't feel its ever going to stop.

Nearly wasted £500 today on a Bupa full health check… probably luckily they rang me at 9am this morning saying the doc was ill and it would have to be rescheduled or I could cancel it.

I still have thing lingering feeling that I should get my bloods done although for no particular reason than my anxiety saying I should… I only feel a bit tired but with everything going on with my dad and his illness working 2 jobs essentially and looking after a 2 year old I am hoping the tiredness is down to that.

My key point though is… I know to ultimately beat this thing I have to be able to accept and cope with uncertainty.. To be able to convince myself that uncertainty isn't always bad… and anything can happen.

But I just have no clue how to get to that point… Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated!

Mark

[HoneyLove]

Hi Mark, did you ever look into getting help with this? I know CBT was suggested to you a few times, not sure if you ever followed up on it?

[LeFi_81]

Hey Mark,

what about trying to accept for a week. really try.

A good post there. I almost want to say you have the answer already within you.

:)

[MarkJames3]

Hey,

I actually have my first CBT session on weds… seems forever away.

I just feel in a right state at the moment with everything going on… I keep having little panic attacks like little lightning bolts that strike fear into me… then an hour later I feel a bit better, then a little bit later bam another one…

This sounds morbid and I hope who ever reads this can in someway relate to it… but I know its stupid but I feel all CBT, being happy and positive attitude is pointless if in a few weeks time the doc is going to tell me I have something wrong with me… I see it as being in vain…

Gosh I know that sounds crappy… haha

[HoneyLove]

I'm delighted that you're having your first session next week! Talk to your therapist about how you feel about wanting to accept uncertainty, CBT can really help you with that. If you've never been in any kind of therapy before, just remember that the first session will usually be a general introduction and getting to know you hour, so that the therapist can get a good idea of you and what your needs are. Make sure to let us know how it goes :)

I wouldn't describe your attitude as crappy, it's a common one with anxiety. But, it is unhelpful!

Any day any one of us could be told bad news, but it's not a reason to give up on life all of a sudden - spending your last days feeling good and taking care of yourself would be far better! You only get one chance at being you, why waste it on feeling bad! If you think about it, the whole universe exploded into the existence with the Big Bang, and over millions of years life evolved into the opportunity you have today to be alive and aware of it - how amazing is that? Take the opportunity to make yourself feel as good as you can, we are wired for happiness (I read that phrase in book about health once!) and you'll feel so much better, even in illness, if you fill your body with feel good hormones.

The positive attitude can help in healing and recovery, the attitude of a victim (which you see a lot with anxiety) will hold you back from really living life whatever kind of life that may be.

[MarkJames3]

Hey,

I completely understand your point and agree with it wholeheartedly, however my problem is even getting to that point of letting go… I just don't know who to… I know its easy to say just distract yourself or be happy etc but it feels like it never lasts long… if that makes sense?

[cpe1978]

I think the attitude you describe is exactly why CBT might be good for you. Those are exactly the thought processes it is designed to challenge.

Honestly, I could (and I think probably did) write your post six months ago. I remember my first CBT session was a massive realisation that uncertainty was the crux of the problem, underpinned by my desire to control things that frankly i had no control over.

You can't eliminate uncertainty so you have to learn to live with it. I am certainly not there with that, but I am in a much better place than I was six months ago that is for sure.

[HoneyLove]

At the beginning it's hard, because you're so stressed out with anxiety. But the more you learn to give yourself hits of happy hormones, the easier it becomes and your baseline levels of happiness will improve naturally.

Happiness has to be cultivated :)

I believe that the best life is one where you just try to be happy, work to make yourself feel good in even the tiniest and simplest of ways, there's no better way to spend your days here however many you might have left!

[MarkJames3]

Hey CPE,

You wrote it in a nutshell, I hate things I can't control… i always have a discussion with my fiancee as she always says to me "how come you are afraid of something that may never happen, yet you get in your car every morning and it doesn't worry you at all" my reply is always "well, I can control my car etc" It feels different to me as I have some element of control over it.

Prime example is obviously recently I have found this lump on the roof of my mouth, after 2 dentist visits, 4 doctors and a specialist who all said there is nothing wrong… I still can't settle or accept the uncertainty as I haven't been given a scan or anything. The specialist did say I could have an MRI scan to put my mind at ease, but in my bravery in the safe doctors office I declined and said I need to accept what you have said…. No that decision is truly kicking me in the butt! haha

I know I probably sound like a broken record on here, but I just feel so confused in my mind, I don't want to go into my 30's in the same way but I just cant get over that hurdle at the moment and it really does help talking to people on here who have been or are going through the same as I feel its a bit of a different perspective than from a random stranger in a comfy office.

[cpe1978]

As strange as it might sound, I found it too comfortable talking to people on here, even though it was a big help. I think when I really started to make progress was when I went it not alone but with a different support network in place. I then came back here for motivation and support rather than reassurance, that was when life started to seriously improve.

I went through two CBT therapists before I found the right one. 70% of her clients had HA and she seemed to really understand. She helped to unpick the busy and confused mind that you describe in your post above.

---------- Post added at 11:53 ---------- Previous post was at 11:50 ----------

Also FWIW I think your decision not to force an MRI was a good one. I think it creates a never ending spiral of, 'what if the MRI missed something' 'what if they scanned the wrong bit' etc.

When I visited my GP to tackle this, I insisted that a) she gave me her honest view without taking on board my anxiety, and b) she didn't refer me for tests that in her opinion were unnecessary. Finding a GP to trust and build a relationship with was a real key part I think for me,

[Tanner40]

Mark, everything that has been said makes so much sense to me. Uncertainty and the "what if's" have always been the most difficult things for me to handle. Things that I can't control have always been triggers for my panic attacks.

Acceptance is key and it is very difficult to get a handle on and to process through my brain. CBT will eventually be able to help you do that. If control is what you need, there is one important thing to need to control. Your thoughts. When we can recognize and then control our irrational thoughts, turning them into rational thoughts, we are well on our way. On the path to recovery.

CBT will help you learn to identify your irrational thoughts, put the lie to them, and teach you how to think in a rational manner. Once you can control those thoughts, and your subsequent reactions, acceptance will come much easier.

Good luck in therapy, and like HoneyLove said, the first couple of sessions will be more of a get to know you session. It takes work and practice but you can do this. Good luck.