Difficulty forming emotional bonds

[harasgenster]

I'm not sure if I've talked about this on here before, but I'm still having difficulty forming emotional bonds. By this I mean that I like people and I care about them, but I don't feel connected to them. There are a lot of people I know and who I can invite to things (and they'll normally come, thankfully), but there are very few people with my number and basically nobody I would miss if they weren't there. To reiterate, I do care about them, I think I probably care about all people, but I just struggle to feel any kind of emotional connection with them. It's like there's a massive distance between us at all times.

For instance, I split up with my boyfriend about two months ago. We'd been together nearly four years, we lived together, spent everyday together. The spark had gone, but we were extremely good friends, I loved hanging around with him, cared about him a lot....don't miss him. Not at all. I worry about him and want to know he's coping, but I don't miss his presence whatsoever.

Another example, me and my best friend since we were 11 fell out a few years ago (we're in our late twenties now) and for a while didn't speak at all, but now have a cooled-off but friendly relationship. In the time she wasn't there, after she'd been there everyday pretty much for over half of my life, I didn't miss her. I didn't feel anything about it at all.

This is an issue I remember becoming apparent to me - and freaking me out - when I was a child. When I was about eight or nine my best friend announced her family was moving across the country and she wouldn't see us again. Everybody was really upset. I felt nothing. It seemed really strange to me, because I really liked her, but I just didn't feel connected with her.

It's the same deal with my parents - in fact all of my family.

The only person I ever had an emotional connection with was my ex boyfriend, who I split up with six years ago (so it's definitely possible for me to bond...) and I have missed him like crazy for those whole six years. I don't miss him in a romantic way, I don't think, although I'm not sure. What seems most apparent to me is that I miss feeling something for another human being like that. Because I fail to make bonds (but really want to make bonds), I feel very alone all the time, even if I have a lot of friends around me. In the time I was going out with him, I had an entirely different sensation that there was always someone 'there', even if he wasn't physically there at the time.

If that makes sense...

So I want this to stop and I want to be able to bond with other people. In therapy we talked about me having an 'emotional deprivation schema', which is due to my dad being very emotionally disconnected (no emotional connection to me) and my mam being too mentally unwell to be 'emotionally present'. I know this is the reason why I struggle, but I don't know how to change it.

Has anyone got any thoughts or ideas?

[MyNameIsTerry]

I get where you are coming from.

In my family we all love each other and would do anything for each other, but we don't spend all our time with each other as some families do. We don't feel the need to go to all the family get togethers. We can go without each other quite easily which I've noticed some families can't as they get upset.

I'm the same with GF's, friends, etc. I've only evert had a few best friends, but a fair few friends. I do miss the best friends although as time goes by, that goes. If anything, my best friends mean more to me than any GF I've ever had.

I put a lot of this down to my upbringing as we are that kind of family. We love each other but are independant as well.

If that makes sense?

I also have that issue that I can live without most people.

I've often wondered whether I even love GF's because I feel this way. I definately care about them but isn't love something you can't be without in a relationship? I've never had a relationship where I could say I truly felt this...I can say it more about someone I was attracted to but they were married and I didn't push the issue although I think she had feelings to & a kiss at one point.

So, I often wonder after going through anxiety & depression whether I will ever find that. I think depression is the worst thing for this because it alone makes you not care whether you wake up tomorrow anyway.

To people in those close families, this will probably sound quite cold. But perhaps it's just realistic? Should we really need to be in and out of each others lives everyday anyway?

So, what came first for you, the mental health issues or this detachment? If the detachment was there before, has it only become an issue to you since you've had the mental health issues?

I think it's important to share a common passion of some sort. This way you invest positive energy with other people and you naturally start to get close to them.

[wabbit1]

Oh wow. I can totally relate to that. I live about 200 miles away from my family but don't feel like I miss them in the slightest. I can go months without seeing them and not care. Sure I love them and care for them but don't miss them.

I've never had a boyfriend. I've never really had a close friend. I've got a nice group of friends who I can share time with but to me it's more about having the company than who it's with. I always think it makes me sound selfish when I think like that.

Like you I care about everyone. I worry no more about my own family than I would a stranger which feels wrong. I feel my family should get the most of me, like I'm being unfair to them.

The thing is, I do have a close family, I just don't feel part of it and never really have. Even when I've had to go into hosp for operations the only reason I've been willing to have them there is that the hosp wouldn't discharge me without them being there. I don't want anyone when I'm ill. Not sure why I'm like that though?

Everything you are saying makes sense to me but I just don't know how to help you out.