View Full Version : Coping with feeling dread
I can't believe I am posting a new topic again!
I have read and researched anxiety more than anything else in my life and still I cannot make the step from fear to acceptance.
My anticipation of events almost drives me to distraction and none of my fears have ever come true, but it always feels like this time they might.
I have spent the last few days with almost constant high anxiety. An annual dinner event which actually went well was survived with several pints, (I don't have a drink problem by the way). The following day was really hard with hangover anxiety which once the hangover subsided reverted to self doubt and anxious thinking. Today was a day with all my family. Everyone Laughing and joking, relaxed and me sat quietly feeling unable to engage in any conversation and totally focused on my churning stomach and self pity. Trying to think differently, or not think, or think positively, or what am I doing!!
I am very determined to change. I want so much to just get through these days with a little less fear about my high emotions. Feeling dread, doom in the pit of my stomach, I just don't seem to be able to change my mood from fear and struggle to one of acceptance.
I get through without anyone really noticing (although they must notice my quietness) but it always feels like I am not going through this in any beneficial way. The route to recovery I believe is to change my relationship with anxiety. To find a way to mentally give up the mental struggle with it. To allow it. To let go.
I know all the terms, and I agree that this change will lead to peace, yet I end the day feeling like I have fought and struggled all day inside my own head and not taken part in the present at all. What am I doing wrong.
Does anyone out there feel they have learned to resist the constant thinking that goes on. Does anyone out there feel they have got the hang of passing through the waves of fear that keep on coming all day long?
At least I am still trying, so I am determined... Just highly frustrated with myself.
I really have had enough of the struggle, yet I always find myself struggling. I measure my success by how I feel.... Probably wrong, but you cannot tell me I am wrong to want this to go away!
Phil
I sure hope somebody replies with something or some sort of light. Like you I feel like I just go through the daily grind to get home and worry some more. Today was a beautiful day and I was sat in the garden with a friend (in the shade or I'll tempt my skin cancer fear) just thinking I don't want to die yet, I want to enjoy life, I'm still young and all I do is worry. I'm worrying now. I'm anxious now, I'm thinking negatively now and my friend is just relaxing in th sun chatting away on a sunny Sunday afternoon. I want to do that :(
Absolutely... It's hard, but I have learned that if I find myself wanting, trying to get rid of, or any attempts at fighting anxiety, I am just adding fuel to the fire.
I listen to Claire Weekes who says, utter, utter acceptance, utter submission while staying loose. I know these feelings are just feelings but my mind won't let it go!
And yes, it is hard not to look at others and envy them, although we cannot be sure that they are not suffering also.
I want to accept, but I rarely do. It's such a difficult thing to do when my body feels like a volcano!
Am I still on the road to recovery, even when I have a weekend like this?
One step forward, I am not going to despair!! Not today! That a habit I will break!
Phil
Hi Phil
So much of what you have said I can understand so well.I'm in the process of switching around my meds and its awful.Do you take anything to help?
Last summer I tried Citalopram for 14 weeks... It was the worst time of my life... Then I switched to Sertraline but threw up after 24 hours... That's when I decided to forget medication. I have since had a couple of months on Mertazapine which sorted out my sleep, but I'm afraid I am just not happy on medication with its side effects. I am not anti medication but it has not worked for me.
I have recovered in the past without medication so want to do so again. The difference this time is I am retired... Now my situation is enviable to many, but I seem to have latched onto retirement as a problem... No distraction etc.
I have started volunteer work and have other outside interests but I have really got stuck with my anxiety this last 13 months....
I have the odd good day when I see the light.... I just wish I could get through the difficult days in a more "right" way.... Without so much despair.
Phil
I can relate to that because my husband is retired and I don't work because he is unable to drive now because of ill health so I do that,but since being ill myself last year and becoming very depressed we are both at home a lot together and my depressive illness has took its toll on him and I can't talk to him much about it now because he's had enough of it all and I find myself needing to talk to someone,that's why I've come on here.
Hi Aprilmoon,
Yes, I think I drive my wife up the wall with my anxiety. She is very supportive and I always talk endlessly to her about it. I think it bores her to death.
It's a very domineering disorder, even selfish. It occupies my mind all day long. I can distract myself for a little while sometimes but my mind always wants to return to the subject to come up with solutions. It's all part of the anxiety disorder.
I seem unable to reassure myself that nothing bad is about to happen.... But my habit is to feel like there is!
I know I am not going mad, but I have no interest in anything other than anxiety. It has become like an obsession.
It makes me feel very vulnerable and unsafe even though there is no reason for me to feel this way. Yet, sometimes I feel like I can tolerate it and understand that these are only thoughts and feelings and that they mean nothing. Then I glimpse the truth and feel like I have an answer... But these are just glimpses at present.
I think what ties my mind up I string to understand how to not feel fear when you feel frightened. Or not be depressed about depression. You feel it so it is difficult to just allow yourself to be this way.
It's what I try to do, but when, like today I sit and try not to dwell on it, but I cannot stop thinking, and as a result, feel awful. It's so hard to put on an act. There doesn't seem to be a thought that I can anchor myself to. Some kind of reassurance.
I think acceptance is not a thinking process... Certainly my mind isn't happy with it.
Phil
My husband actually said today that we talk about it all the time and he looked really tired.I'm going to not talk about it so much now,but I don't want to feel isolated,because that will only make it worse.I've just gone onto mirtazapine at night with venlafaxine in the morning.For the first few days I felt great,then the last few,awful,but he reduced the venlafaxine by 75mg at the same time and I'm wondering if that's got anything to do with it.I'm going to ring up tomorrow and try and speak to someone.I was on the venlafaxine alone for a long time.
Yes, I wish medication had worked for me but I just seemed to get the side effects without much in the way of benefits, so I am taking nothing now and just doing self help and using what I learned on CBT.
I did get good sleep on Mertazapine but felt awfully drowsy in the mornings.
I do go to the gym and swim regularly and that helps, but I find a long day like today when the anxiety stays with me really drags me down.
I have been really bad at despairing and getting very emotional on days like this but have resisted the urge to get like that today and recently. Maybe that is a small step foreward as despair is a very expensive emotion.
There is something to be said for stopping the endless thinking and talking about it as it does, I am sure, add to the problem.
Most self help now focuses on acceptance and not struggling or fighting with anxiety. It makes sense to me, but is very difficult to do.
Just carrying on as if nothing is wrong when you feel anxious all day is very hard. You desperately want reassurance and someone to talk to.
Phil
You've chosen a very hard path to walk Phil,the rewards at the end of it are huge,but don't underestimate the difficulties. Going without meds is like not having a walking stick to lean on,even if the stick doesn't help you much when you use it.I think the only person who can really reassure you,is you.And that's the paradox,because you want it,understandably, from others.But they're not you.I've tried doing what you are doing,many,many times, but have accepted that for me,the answer lies on finding the right combination of meds.I wish you success in your path.
Thanks
I know that medication has helped many... I sort of envy them.
I just know that when I was on medication and struggling through the startup side effects I soon got to the point where I desperately wanted to get off them.
Although I am having bad days at the moment, I was having just as many on meds, with the added side effects.
I do have 2mg valium which I only occasionally use if I really get overwhelmed.
Like I have said in previous posts, I have recovered in the past without medication... I was well for over 7 years up until last January. So I guess I want so much to get back on my own.
It's just me... I know deep down its possible and so I really want to do it this way.
I am not completely ruling it out though .... My GP is with me on this.
Phil
I was just reading around the boards, and Phil, we are going through so much of the same things. I'm not retired, but am home all day with nothing I *have* to do. I have had anxiety in the past and gotten over it. For whatever reason, I'm having a very hard time doing that now. I'm at a point now where I'll have a few okay days with not much anxiety, then I crash and I'm down for the count again for who knows how long. I had 3 pretty good days, 2 days that started out rough but I got over it, then today when I've done nothing but sit around and think about it and try to find answers online and obsess about how my stomach isn't working right or feeling right... I woke up, didn't really have a plan for the day, started feeling queasy and achy in my stomach and BOOM I was off to the races with anxiety riding my back all day. I am trying to use the 'accept' techniques, ala Claire Weekes and Paul David and others. I just have such a hard time with it when I'm physically in pain/discomfort. It's hard to just go about your day when nothing you do seems to grab your focus away from your anxious thoughts and you're running to the bathroom (Yes, I'm American - shall I call it the loo for you? :-)) all day. I can't really eat because of how my stomach feels, even though I'm hungry. I don't know how to just 'carry on' under those circumstances.
Anyway, I wanted to introduce myself. I haven't posted before on the forum but wanted to connect since it seems we are in similar circumstances right now.
MyNameIsTerry
01-04-14, 06:46
MamaJ, I think you will find a lot of threads on here where people say the same. For me, this was the hardest stage of anxiety when all you have is the feelings and not much of anything else. Use the toilet, the loo or for myself from the Midlands...the bog :roflmao:
This is to you & Phil.
It seems that you are very anxious and the physical symptoms are driving so much of your days. I found the way out of at least the intensity of this came from more than just acceptance.
I think acceptance plays a role thats different per anxiety disorder e.g. acceptance is critical to the HA people, but its not as useful for the OCD people, like me.
I had CBT. I learned that it comes down to 3 elements that make up the cycle - thoughts, feelings and emotions. I was taught that emotions were the sum total of the other 2 so it was not possible to alter them unless I altered the other 2 to achieve it. The other 2 also drive each other because the trigger could be the thoughts or the emotions but eitherway they would trigger each other to become the larger emotion.
I tried to use affirmations, I tried Behavioural Activation, I tried challenge accept or reject but it wasn't fully effective. I learned that I could use these to reduce most of my OCD, but it wouldn't reduce the worst ones much. For me, I attacked them indirectly by trying to relax my mind to calm down the thoughts and break the chain in the OCD. This started when I tried relaxation techniques but most notably, Mindfulness meditation.
Mindfulness meditation is really an acceptance tool but it''s also a relaxation tool. For me, this worked on 2 fronts so it gave the extra boost I needed. It's a life long journey with it being from Buddhism but you can get benefits earlier on in some way, even if just a little. It helps you to calmly examine your sensations and see them for what they are and it asks you to let your mind wander but when it strays somewhere it shouldn't, you pull it back. Once you learn it, you can do it pretty much anywhere and it's not that obvious to others as you can do it standing, sitting, walking, etc. Tai Ci & QiGong seem to offer a similar approach with gently movements combined which may help with sensations so I'm looking at this now.
I have GAD & depression too, hence the attack on several fronts to get beyond the OCD alone to reach the underlying anxiety which in turn lessened the OCD and gave me more control.
I'm a way off yet but I think in following this way, I can reap the cumalitive effects.
I'm a logical analytical person, so I can't readily accept a concept because I will tear it apart, compare it to the possibilities of success, etc. Are you the same way?
MamaJ and Terry,
Good to hear from you.
I have also done 1-1 CBT for 18 weeks and it has given me a lot of tools to use. I also do mindfullness meditation every day and this has helped me to recognise when my mind has wandered off onto its anxiety laden stories.
At the end of the day they are all entered into to try and rid myself of the anxiety which goes against acceptance. I think I am learning this slowly. CBT is good, meditation and exercise is good but I should refrain from adding expectation that these should have any outcome. It just doesn't work like that.
MamaJ, I am very interested in your comments as you seem to be EXACTLY in the same position as me. Have we made retirement a problem? Is this just our anxious minds finding problems to solve again. I don't know.
I have no REAL problems. I am comfortably well off and have a great family. The frustration is spending all my time trying to manage my anxiety "correctly" and get back to myself and all my interests. It's a real pest and it frustrates me greatly.
Like you, I get good spells and see the light.... What is all this about, what a waiste of time and energy, then I wake the next day and I cannot find anything that grabs my interest. It's all a drudge with a heavy stomach and a racing mind.
The thing is that it is all part of being human, and it would seem to me that if you have an active and able mind you are more likely to get trapped.
I have recovered many times from spells of anxiety (GAD), and done so by getting back to work and plodding on with as much acceptance and acting as I could muster. Then slowly I rejoin the real world and feel better. With a lack of structure, I find that waking without a plan for the day frightens me. I seem to mistrust my mind if it is idle. On the other hand I worked for 43 years as a communications engineer and I really don't want to get a job!
It's an issue that I have latched onto, and I think just another anxiety symptom, as when I felt good I couldn't see this as a real problem.
It would be good to keep in touch though just for support and encouragement when needed. I am trying not to fill my day looking at forums as this can be just another way of distraction and filling my mind with the subject.
Phil
I have also done CBT, therapy, am on meds, etc. It's part of my frustration that after all this time and all I've learned, I still can't seem to get a handle on it. I can tell you all the details of what anxiety is, how it works, blah blah blah...yet I still get overwhelmed with how it feels and it's like my brain shuts down. There is a laser beam from my brain to the 'problem' and nothing seems to be able to pull me off the target. The only thing I'm motivated to do is think about it, research it, look for ways to fix it - be it the anxiety itself or the related symptoms I'm feeling physically. Distraction seems impossible. I'm sick of thinking about it, yet I can't seem to stop some days.
I agree about being on forums and such all day. When I spend hours looking at stuff, it just causes me to focus and think about it even more, to no positive end. I guess I'm sort of OCD about it. A friend told me I'm going to have to stop and deal with the feelings of uncertainty that I'm trying not to feel by constantly searching for answers. I also see a lot of people who are NOT getting better, which makes it seem like everybody is stuck living with this forever. But I have to remember there are many out there who have gotten better and because of that, they're off living their lives, not posting on the internet about it. Most of the 'I recovered' people I find are trying to sell something.
Today I'm trying to have a recovery day. I might do some reading in my anxiety books but I'm not going to look stuff up online. I'm not going to try to 'fix' anything today. I'm not going to engage with scary thoughts or feelings. At least that is my goal.
MyNameIsTerry
02-04-14, 01:40
I agree about not having a structure to implement. I quit my job when I relapsed because the environment was toxic to an anxiety sufferer. The trouble with now being unemployed is that I have far too much time to think about my situation. You also lose your confidence, self esteem, sense of purpose, sense of worty, etc.
Rather than go back to work, maybe look at volunteering. Helping others might rebuild some of these areas if they are a problem for you and it can fill some time without the pressure.
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