ponylover
30-11-06, 19:22
I'm so, so, so fed up. It's the end of term on saturday, and so I have no more work to do. I don't know anyone and have nothing to do so I'm in my room, and I've lost my phone and all my numbers so I can't even contact the friends that know about how I feel for some support.
I have to go home on Saturday, and although I'd rather be there than here, I've developed OCD symptoms since I left that my mum doesn't know about, and I have to make a real effort to appear normal around her because last time I really fell apart it destroyed or relationship, and I can't cope with that again. I'm stressing about having to pack tomorrow(compulsive checker and obsession with losing things - made even worse by losing my phone 2 days ago). I don't know what to do with myself, I'm just sitting here thinking and it's really not good for me, I've been derealised for hours, and random thoughts keep occuring to me and scaring me, and I'm just getting in a worse and worse state. I've been really good and have managed not to self harm since I've been here, mainly because I'm too busy, but at the moment I'm really having to resist the urge to go and get the sharpest thing I could find, and I'm panicking that I've started to obsess over that again. I'm sorry for ranting, but there is really noone else I can speak to, noone at uni knows of my problems, and I don't even have my phone. I'm so sorry, please feel free to ignore this message, I feel better just having written it.
I have to go home on Saturday, and although I'd rather be there than here, I've developed OCD symptoms since I left that my mum doesn't know about, and I have to make a real effort to appear normal around her because last time I really fell apart it destroyed or relationship, and I can't cope with that again. I'm stressing about having to pack tomorrow(compulsive checker and obsession with losing things - made even worse by losing my phone 2 days ago). I don't know what to do with myself, I'm just sitting here thinking and it's really not good for me, I've been derealised for hours, and random thoughts keep occuring to me and scaring me, and I'm just getting in a worse and worse state. I've been really good and have managed not to self harm since I've been here, mainly because I'm too busy, but at the moment I'm really having to resist the urge to go and get the sharpest thing I could find, and I'm panicking that I've started to obsess over that again. I'm sorry for ranting, but there is really noone else I can speak to, noone at uni knows of my problems, and I don't even have my phone. I'm so sorry, please feel free to ignore this message, I feel better just having written it.