Normal feelings in a relationship

[harasgenster]

Posting two threads in one night - you can tell I should be doing something else :)

Right, this is because I'm still hung up on a relationship that ended 6 years ago. Prior to that relationship and after it I have never felt the same way when in a relationship (and I've been in frankly too many!) and I'm starting to realise the reason I'm hung up is because this experience has taught me the feelings I had when I was in the 'good relationship' are 'rare' or that it is unlikely I will experience them again.

I'm trying to challenge this. It's entirely possible that my experience in relationships is because I have been with the wrong people, rather than my one good experience being because I was 'very lucky'. In fact, in therapy it was strongly suggested that rather than having expectations that were too high, I had expectations that were too low, and kept settling for the wrong people believing it wouldn't be better with anyone else anyway!

So I wanted to canvas you on whether you think this one particular feeling that I've thought about a lot lately is common in relationships therefore I should absolutely expect to feel it again with someone else.

So the feeling is this:

When you kiss in public, you kind of forget where you are and that there are people around you (leading to embarrassing displays of public affection :p). I guess I mean you feel like you're in a bubble - like it's just you and him and everything else disappears.

I've only ever experienced that with this one person and never with anyone else, leading me to think it was 'special'. But that's quite maddening and sad, so I suppose I'd be grateful to hear people say 'oh I've felt like that with loads of people!'

Also this feeling persisted throughout the 18 months we were together (short, I know, that's why it's so annoying to still think about him!) Is it expected that this feeling will last that long or longer than that? Does it ever last for the entire relationship do you think?

Also, do you think it's unrealistic to expect that in all relationships? I find that when I don't get feelings like that I can't help but miss my ex because the feelings were so much more intense and I feel like I'm 'settling for less'. So would it be pretty normal for me to just try people out for about 6 months and if it doesn't feel that way then leave?

Thanks!

[Phuzella]

Take some time out for yourself, don't worry about finding someone. Another person won't complete you, only you can do that.
Learn to be happy alone:)

[harasgenster]

Take some time out for yourself, don't worry about finding someone. Another person won't complete you, only you can do that.
Learn to be happy alone:)

I don't want to be in a relationship (or not yet anyway). It's more that I want to challenge some of the thoughts that are in my head because this has gone on for too long now for it to be 'normal feelings of getting over someone'. I think it's because of the way I'm looking at it and I think it will continue to follow me unless I change my attitude. Basically, I would like to learn to be happy alone, but feel like I won't learn that unless I start looking at relationships in a different light :) i.e. If I continue to believe that I will never feel that way again, then I'll continue to feel a sense of loss. And that loss and grief has followed me while both single and in relationships over the last 6 years (although I only talk about it when single usually because I feel guilty otherwise!)

[Fishmanpa]

It's an interesting thread in that for each person it's different. All I can say from experience is that I've "loved" several times in my life and each time it's been different. I don't know if it can be the same as a previous relationship as we grow and change ourselves but it definitely is as fulfilling. I still remember my first love and how intense it was but I don't really remember the actual feelings or heartbreak when it ended....

I can also tell you that I spent several years on my own, purposely not getting involved in a relationship so I could work on myself. There was times I got lonely but I was never "alone". I had friends, male and female, that I could get together with and such but I stayed away from getting into a relationship.

I did a lot of soul searching and self discovery. I worked on "me" to the point that I was totally comfortable with myself and was fine if I never settled down or had another relationship. That when my Chiquita came along in 2010. I went into it with absolutely no expectations. I liked her, found her very attractive and truly enjoyed our conversations (we met on the internet). It wasn't until I actually met her in person that the chemistry and sparks flew. And now we're getting married. Never saw it coming :) Perhaps it has to do with maturity as I was in my late 40's when all this took place. Prior (after my divorce on 2001), I didn't know what the hell I wanted or expected.

It's when you're comfortable with yourself and stop looking that the good stuff falls in your lap.

Positive thoughts

[harasgenster]

I can also tell you that I spent several years on my own, purposely not getting involved in a relationship so I could work on myself. There was times I got lonely but I was never "alone". I had friends, male and female, that I could get together with and such but I stayed away from getting into a relationship.

I did a lot of soul searching and self discovery. I worked on "me" to the point that I was totally comfortable with myself and was fine if I never settled down or had another relationship. That when my Chiquita came along in 2010. I went into it with absolutely no expectations. I liked her, found her very attractive and truly enjoyed our conversations (we met on the internet). It wasn't until I actually met her in person that the chemistry and sparks flew. And now we're getting married. Never saw it coming :) Perhaps it has to do with maturity as I was in my late 40's when all this took place. Prior (after my divorce on 2001), I didn't know what the hell I wanted or expected.

It's when you're comfortable with yourself and stop looking that the good stuff falls in your lap.

Positive thoughts

Thanks. :) I guess that's the thing, instead of picking up on the details, what I need to ask myself when in future relationships is 'do I feel fulfilled?' I want to get out of the pattern of entering into and staying for years in unfulfilling relationships because I always regret it.

As for the staying out of relationships to work on yourself thing, that's what I've got planned for this year. I think because I just came out of a long-term relationship, it's freeing not to have to worry about anyone else as well. I want to change my life quite significantly, so I'm going to move to London next year and get a day job in the trade union movement (more jobs like that in London) where I fit in a little better. I've grown away from my friends quite a lot, they all want very different things from me and sometimes it's like we're speaking a different language now. So I'm doing things to meet new people and I've been 'networking' to get contacts in comedy (which is the career I want to be in), as well as researching loop pedals for a music project I'm going to do (picked back up my old hobby - your amazing story inspired me!) To me, this year is all about changing my life into the type of life I want to live because there isn't one thing about my life right now I would have chosen. I just want to concentrate on all those things now but I keep being interrupted by memories and this deep sensation of loss. I just wish I could make all that go away! But perhaps I'm trying too hard to make it go away. Perhaps if I just allow it to stay but try to distract myself from it enough to get on with the things I want to do it will fade naturally.

[Fishmanpa]

Thanks. :) I guess that's the thing, instead of picking up on the details, what I need to ask myself when in future relationships is 'do I feel fulfilled?' I want to get out of the pattern of entering into and staying for years in unfulfilling relationships because I always regret it.

As for the staying out of relationships to work on yourself thing, that's what I've got planned for this year. I think because I just came out of a long-term relationship, it's freeing not to have to worry about anyone else as well. I want to change my life quite significantly, so I'm going to move to London next year and get a day job in the trade union movement (more jobs like that in London) where I fit in a little better. I've grown away from my friends quite a lot, they all want very different things from me and sometimes it's like we're speaking a different language now. So I'm doing things to meet new people and I've been 'networking' to get contacts in comedy (which is the career I want to be in), as well as researching loop pedals for a music project I'm going to do (picked back up my old hobby - your amazing story inspired me!) To me, this year is all about changing my life into the type of life I want to live because there isn't one thing about my life right now I would have chosen. I just want to concentrate on all those things now but I keep being interrupted by memories and this deep sensation of loss. I just wish I could make all that go away! But perhaps I'm trying too hard to make it go away. Perhaps if I just allow it to stay but try to distract myself from it enough to get on with the things I want to do it will fade naturally.

Sounds like a definite plan. Here's the thing about the memories. They're always going to be there but your perception of it changes as you grow. Keeping yourself occupied, rediscovering who your are and pursuing the joys and dreams you have are some of the most healing things you can do.

When I came out of retirement and started playing music again, I found I was better than I ever was before. My life experience made my music mean more and it came out through my performance. And now?... after the last year and cancer? Heck, I didn't know if I would be alive let alone have a voice. I'm finding that the experience has taken my music to another level... It's coming from a deeper place within me.

Channel those memories into your art. Not only will it make you better, it will also temper any adverse feelings associated with it.

Positive thoughts

[harasgenster]

Sounds like a definite plan. Here's the thing about the memories. They're always going to be there but your perception of it changes as you grow. Keeping yourself occupied, rediscovering who your are and pursuing the joys and dreams you have are some of the most healing things you can do.

When I came out of retirement and started playing music again, I found I was better than I ever was before. My life experience made my music mean more and it came out through my performance. And now?... after the last year and cancer? Heck, I didn't know if I would be alive let alone have a voice. I'm finding that the experience has taken my music to another level... It's coming from a deeper place within me.

Channel those memories into your art. Not only will it make you better, it will also temper any adverse feelings associated with it.

Positive thoughts

Thanks :) That's really, really cheered me up. Your story about your music always makes me feel so happy for you and really inspired for my own life as well. I know I'm derailing my own thread, but I actually started messing about on a synth the other day - which I haven't had the confidence to do for years - and I really enjoyed it and even came up with the beginnings of a song. Made me feel really good for a while :) All this musical equipment is going to hit my bank balance hard! :D