shotokansho
03-04-14, 13:48
Hi everyone.
I haven't been around for a while, for various reasons. My internet is sorted again now and I'm pleased to say I'm back. Recent sever panic attacks has prompted me to write this, I need to share and get a load off my chest...So sorry if I go on a bit.
It started Last November when my dog died. He was 10 years old, blind in one eye and aggressive. I had him for 6 years, but as he got older he got more aggressive and he ended up biting my friends son. Luckily it wasn't a nasty bite but it was the final straw and I came to the decision to have him put to sleep. I was devastated, I stayed with him the whole time. I think after that I cried every day for a month, I still miss him terribly.
Then late November my friend was admitted to the hospice for the 3rd time with terminal cancer. This time we knew he wouldn't come home. I went to visit him the day before he died. I'm ashamed to say I couldn't cope with what I was seeing, I was brave and held his hand. He died the next day.
At the point the depression is kicking in and anxiety is high as a kite. I'm thinking at this point that I didn't really know how I was coping. I was still working and looking after my children and house. It was like a front, I seem to be good at that!!
December 21st...Things well and truly kicked in! I had been to the pub, drank around 5 pints. After the 3rd the thoughts started kicking in and I was becoming very agitated and distressed. I drank my 5th pint and went home with extremely strong thoughts of self harming. (I am a regular self harmer). I hadn't done anything like this for over a year and it was taking everything I had to fight it. I took a knife from the kitchen drawer and went out with it. I was sat on a grass verge set back from the road in a secluded area. I was getting more and more scared and distressed so I called the police. Two officers found me, they fought me to the ground and handcuffed me, arrested me and chucked me in the back of the police van. When I arrived at the station I wasn't very co-operative, I didn't understand properly why I was there, why I wasn't taken to the hospital on a 136 to be assessed, it was clear what my intentions were and why I had called for help. One of the officers called me a f*****g c*** and a time waster, which caused me to become more hostile. I was in jail for 2 days, after being interviewed I was released on bail. I answered my bail 2 weeks later, I was informed that the police mental health panel said I knew what I was doing and should be prosecuted. A court date was set.
While all this was going on I fell into a deep depression, I wouldn't work, I was sleeping all the time and not eating, and I just couldn't stop crying, my face was puffy and my eyes blood shot. My care co-ordinator got me an emergency appoint with my psychiatrist who prescribed me extra medication. I was having panic attacks the more I thought about the court hearing. I was on a charge of possession of a weapon, I knew that could mean a jail term. The tablets started to make my mood better while I was waiting for court so I found the strength to find a solicitor, and he told me that the guide lines said the minimum is 6 weeks in jail for first offenders. I was so frightened, I had never done anything wrong in my life, and I wasn't harming a soul!! In court my solicitor was fantastic, I have to admit, he was brilliant. He pointed out all my bruises from the arrest and the abusive remarks from that officer and that he doubted I would ever call the police for help again. The judge was great too, he saw past the guide lines, I got a 12 month conditional discharge and £100 fine. I was in court all day because the judge and my solicitor was trying to throw it out, but the police wouldn't budge...They wanted a prosecution.
So that was February. My mood is getting better but then I lost my job :weep::weep: My job was everything to me. It was supported work just a few hours a week. It gave me a purpose and it was therapeutic for me. I'm now in limbo, no job and only certain one's I can apply for because I have a criminal conviction. All this week I have been experiencing high levels of anxiety and have had 4 big attacks. My last one (yesterday) resulted in me calling an ambulance because I thought I was having a heart attack. I had chest pain, fast, strong heart beat and was sweating, I also couldn't stop shaking. I must admit the paramedic was lovely, she performed an ECG which was normal as well as all her other tests so I was convinced not to go to hospital. I couldn't stop apolagising to her and then cried for the rest of the day.
I'm now taking 3 medications. Escitalopram 20mg in the morning, Mirtazipine 15mg at night and Promazine during the day for my anxiety. I'm just totally exhausted and don't know what else I can cope with before I break. I feel Hopeless, and stupid and weak. I haven't had a panic attack for a year and now they are back with a vengeance. While I have no work I'm just sat dwelling on things, trying to be as normal as possible, when inside I just feel empty.
Thanks for listening guys. I have been a member here for a long time, but I promise to be around more from now on.
Kez xx
I haven't been around for a while, for various reasons. My internet is sorted again now and I'm pleased to say I'm back. Recent sever panic attacks has prompted me to write this, I need to share and get a load off my chest...So sorry if I go on a bit.
It started Last November when my dog died. He was 10 years old, blind in one eye and aggressive. I had him for 6 years, but as he got older he got more aggressive and he ended up biting my friends son. Luckily it wasn't a nasty bite but it was the final straw and I came to the decision to have him put to sleep. I was devastated, I stayed with him the whole time. I think after that I cried every day for a month, I still miss him terribly.
Then late November my friend was admitted to the hospice for the 3rd time with terminal cancer. This time we knew he wouldn't come home. I went to visit him the day before he died. I'm ashamed to say I couldn't cope with what I was seeing, I was brave and held his hand. He died the next day.
At the point the depression is kicking in and anxiety is high as a kite. I'm thinking at this point that I didn't really know how I was coping. I was still working and looking after my children and house. It was like a front, I seem to be good at that!!
December 21st...Things well and truly kicked in! I had been to the pub, drank around 5 pints. After the 3rd the thoughts started kicking in and I was becoming very agitated and distressed. I drank my 5th pint and went home with extremely strong thoughts of self harming. (I am a regular self harmer). I hadn't done anything like this for over a year and it was taking everything I had to fight it. I took a knife from the kitchen drawer and went out with it. I was sat on a grass verge set back from the road in a secluded area. I was getting more and more scared and distressed so I called the police. Two officers found me, they fought me to the ground and handcuffed me, arrested me and chucked me in the back of the police van. When I arrived at the station I wasn't very co-operative, I didn't understand properly why I was there, why I wasn't taken to the hospital on a 136 to be assessed, it was clear what my intentions were and why I had called for help. One of the officers called me a f*****g c*** and a time waster, which caused me to become more hostile. I was in jail for 2 days, after being interviewed I was released on bail. I answered my bail 2 weeks later, I was informed that the police mental health panel said I knew what I was doing and should be prosecuted. A court date was set.
While all this was going on I fell into a deep depression, I wouldn't work, I was sleeping all the time and not eating, and I just couldn't stop crying, my face was puffy and my eyes blood shot. My care co-ordinator got me an emergency appoint with my psychiatrist who prescribed me extra medication. I was having panic attacks the more I thought about the court hearing. I was on a charge of possession of a weapon, I knew that could mean a jail term. The tablets started to make my mood better while I was waiting for court so I found the strength to find a solicitor, and he told me that the guide lines said the minimum is 6 weeks in jail for first offenders. I was so frightened, I had never done anything wrong in my life, and I wasn't harming a soul!! In court my solicitor was fantastic, I have to admit, he was brilliant. He pointed out all my bruises from the arrest and the abusive remarks from that officer and that he doubted I would ever call the police for help again. The judge was great too, he saw past the guide lines, I got a 12 month conditional discharge and £100 fine. I was in court all day because the judge and my solicitor was trying to throw it out, but the police wouldn't budge...They wanted a prosecution.
So that was February. My mood is getting better but then I lost my job :weep::weep: My job was everything to me. It was supported work just a few hours a week. It gave me a purpose and it was therapeutic for me. I'm now in limbo, no job and only certain one's I can apply for because I have a criminal conviction. All this week I have been experiencing high levels of anxiety and have had 4 big attacks. My last one (yesterday) resulted in me calling an ambulance because I thought I was having a heart attack. I had chest pain, fast, strong heart beat and was sweating, I also couldn't stop shaking. I must admit the paramedic was lovely, she performed an ECG which was normal as well as all her other tests so I was convinced not to go to hospital. I couldn't stop apolagising to her and then cried for the rest of the day.
I'm now taking 3 medications. Escitalopram 20mg in the morning, Mirtazipine 15mg at night and Promazine during the day for my anxiety. I'm just totally exhausted and don't know what else I can cope with before I break. I feel Hopeless, and stupid and weak. I haven't had a panic attack for a year and now they are back with a vengeance. While I have no work I'm just sat dwelling on things, trying to be as normal as possible, when inside I just feel empty.
Thanks for listening guys. I have been a member here for a long time, but I promise to be around more from now on.
Kez xx