halfwayhome
01-12-06, 14:53
Yesterday was a good day for me. I didn't seem to have many of my 'brain cancer' symptoms, and my anxiety was better. Likely a connection between the two. Then, NOT EVEN INTENDING TO, I managed to come across a survey about symptoms of brain tumors. I, of course, read them and it sent me into full panic again. So many things that were on that survey, I have/had. Weird things though.. like.. the fact that my feet get REALLY hot or that I have restless legs. (I was diagnosed with Restless Leg Syndrome but I worry that it's actually a mistake.. it's possible.)
I then decided maybe to calm myself down, I'll watch a movie. One of my favourite movies is "Last Holiday" with Queen Latifah. It has to do with death to a degree, but seeing as how I had had a good day, I thought it'd be okay. I couldn't remember WHAT she was diagnosed with, but I was pretty sure it wasn't a brain tumor. So, I'm watching.. and sure enough, it's a brain tumor. Unbelieveable.
So, now my symptoms are totally back, but I'm having a REALLY hard time believeing they are psychological. Mostly because one of my symptoms is a weirdness with my right arm.. and I had it before (I couldn't even turn a key or turn on the lamp before!) before I knew it had anything to do with a brain tumor. (For background information, I went to two doctors, had two neurlogical exams.. the first one didn't seem sure of anything, but said it was probably nothing.. the second one was an ER doctor who did a more thorough examination and said in no uncertain terms that it was not a brain tumor. I asked about a CT scan and he said I didn't need one because he was that sure.)
I went to cuddle with my boyfriend who had to get up then anyway and he tried to tell me it's not a brain tumor, but I'm having a hard time believeing him. My psychaitrist won't return my calls (I have no oidea why. I haven't seen him in awhile so I'm thinking maybe he's out of town.) and it's just bad. It's really really bad.
Everyone says things like: "if itw as a brain tumor, you'd have worse symptoms by now." or "you'd have more mental symptoms." but that's not always true. My friends father had one.. he didn't know about it for thirty years.
I'm trying to logic myself out of this state of panic, but I can't. I also have horrible insomnia.. I've gotten something like seven hours of sleep in the past two nights combined. But, I have no idea what I'm doing with my nights.. they just seem to go by.
I'm so tired but everytime I lie down, my mind is so keyed up. I feel the symptoms in my right arm & leg and it scares me to death. I can't get a CT scan because everytime I try, they tell me I don't need one. I'm at the point where I feel like making up symptoms just to get one, but I know I can't do that. And.. to be honest.. besides that.. I don't WANT to get one. I don't wnat to know. Is that crazy?
I don't know. I guess I need someone else to try logic-ing me.. again. I can't let go of the idea that I have this tumor in my head that is going to kill me. I think another thing that made it worse is that a friend of a friend suddenly died of acute leukemia. She was diagnosed on Monday (as in four days ago.) and died on Wednesday. That probably didn't help.
Either way though, the symptoms are here and they're real. They CANT all be psychological because I had them before I knew they had to do with a brain tumor.. ARGH, HELP ME!!! :(
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
xoxox
I then decided maybe to calm myself down, I'll watch a movie. One of my favourite movies is "Last Holiday" with Queen Latifah. It has to do with death to a degree, but seeing as how I had had a good day, I thought it'd be okay. I couldn't remember WHAT she was diagnosed with, but I was pretty sure it wasn't a brain tumor. So, I'm watching.. and sure enough, it's a brain tumor. Unbelieveable.
So, now my symptoms are totally back, but I'm having a REALLY hard time believeing they are psychological. Mostly because one of my symptoms is a weirdness with my right arm.. and I had it before (I couldn't even turn a key or turn on the lamp before!) before I knew it had anything to do with a brain tumor. (For background information, I went to two doctors, had two neurlogical exams.. the first one didn't seem sure of anything, but said it was probably nothing.. the second one was an ER doctor who did a more thorough examination and said in no uncertain terms that it was not a brain tumor. I asked about a CT scan and he said I didn't need one because he was that sure.)
I went to cuddle with my boyfriend who had to get up then anyway and he tried to tell me it's not a brain tumor, but I'm having a hard time believeing him. My psychaitrist won't return my calls (I have no oidea why. I haven't seen him in awhile so I'm thinking maybe he's out of town.) and it's just bad. It's really really bad.
Everyone says things like: "if itw as a brain tumor, you'd have worse symptoms by now." or "you'd have more mental symptoms." but that's not always true. My friends father had one.. he didn't know about it for thirty years.
I'm trying to logic myself out of this state of panic, but I can't. I also have horrible insomnia.. I've gotten something like seven hours of sleep in the past two nights combined. But, I have no idea what I'm doing with my nights.. they just seem to go by.
I'm so tired but everytime I lie down, my mind is so keyed up. I feel the symptoms in my right arm & leg and it scares me to death. I can't get a CT scan because everytime I try, they tell me I don't need one. I'm at the point where I feel like making up symptoms just to get one, but I know I can't do that. And.. to be honest.. besides that.. I don't WANT to get one. I don't wnat to know. Is that crazy?
I don't know. I guess I need someone else to try logic-ing me.. again. I can't let go of the idea that I have this tumor in my head that is going to kill me. I think another thing that made it worse is that a friend of a friend suddenly died of acute leukemia. She was diagnosed on Monday (as in four days ago.) and died on Wednesday. That probably didn't help.
Either way though, the symptoms are here and they're real. They CANT all be psychological because I had them before I knew they had to do with a brain tumor.. ARGH, HELP ME!!! :(
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
xoxox