Holidays are great.. Even if you don't go anywhere!

[Round in circles]

Been enjoying a computer gaming "holiday". It's been pretty great. I'm a great fan of mindfulness, but sometimes pure escapism is the best remedy. Things have been pretty stressful of late, what with wading through bureaucratic red tape so it was nice to forget about all that and just enjoy being a big kid.

I also did something really difficult last week. I went for an ice skating lesson. For someone who hardly leaves the house, that was a massive deal seeing as it took about an hour to even get there. I hadn't skated in 20 years and was never very good when I went as a kid so I was crazy nervous even thinking about setting foot on the ice again.

Luckily when I got there with mum in tow, there were lots of kids there with parents watching that gave it more of a family feel which made me feel a bit safer. I even got my first learn to skate badge, woo hoo! Although in all fairness, I think you probably get that one if you simply manage to go round and not fall over. I thought it didn't take that much out of me, and then proceeded to need three full sleeps over the next 24 hours!

To round off my holiday, I had my second reiki session. I didn't really know what I thought about the first time but the second I found really hard. Halfway through I had an intense wave of fight or flight reaction and felt like I couldn't breathe, but I managed to keep it under control until it subsided. I think being touched by another person is still hard since I was abused some years back. It was hard, but I think a necessary evil to becoming desensitised to that reaction. My GP says I have an over sensitised nervous system. I'm hoping in time that this will help me bring it under control a bit better. Even though it was difficult and draining, I think I'm finally starting to make some progress again, which has been hard ever since my life coach and dear friend passed away a year ago.

I would say this was the best holiday I've had in the last 6 years, but then it's the only holiday I've had in that time. Still.. Better late than never. Hmm story of my life lol.

[MyNameIsTerry]

It's better than no holiday, well done!

I think it's really brave to go far away out of your comfort zone and take a chance. It payed off and showed you that you can do things if you put your mind to it.

It probably took things out of you so you needed the rest. It's surprising just how much effort things take when you go through all this and you get tired more easily than before your anxiety started.

So, you are doing the exposure therapy thing to become habituated, which is great. If it's any help, I did post a diagram showing how panic fluctuates on the Therapy board. It doesn't just come down once you expose yourself, it goes up and down so it's entirely possible to feel better then feel panic and then it go again as in your Reiki session.

Nice one!

[Round in circles]

Just back from another skate. I tried a different rink this time and oh my goodness, the experience was completely different. The first pair of skates I tried were completely blunt. There was no grip whatsoever so I changed them for another pair which were marginally sharper, but broken at the ankles. Literally the plastic had completely broken on both boots. I didn't feel I could go back and change them again so I just went with them. There seemed to be an ice disco on as it was blaring really loud music complete with DJ. I'm not just saying that because I'm borderline old. I couldn't hear properly when I came out after about an hour and a half. As for the ice itself.. It could only be described as complete bedlam. Loads of people shuffling round the edge. Speed skaters buzzing past and cutting across you really close, little kids who did their best, but I was terrified I was going to overbalance and accidentally crush one of them.

What with it being so busy coupled with the broken skates, I felt like a complete noob. I tried some of the skills I wanted to practise but it didn't go too well. One guy kept skating past me shaking his head and telling me I was doing it wrong because he thought I was trying to skate backwards, when I was attempting backwards skullying. I also almost ran over a small child while trying this. Whoops! Sorry kid.

I think it's safe to say I'm not going back to that rink again. Complete nightmare. Still.. Despite wanting to cry the entire time I persevered and got a full hour's worth of rink time. I didn't learn much at all, except for how impossible a blunt blade is to skate on. I THINK that still qualifies as a success. I just wish the other rink was closer. Why oh why does Glasgow not have its own ice rink! Grrrr..

[MyNameIsTerry]

Well either that blokes a bit of as tool or he's got problems in the chat up dept! :roflmao:Ignore him.

Like you said, you didn't run away, you did it. It might have been uncomfortable but sometimes we need to know that we can tolerate things. Habituation is important.

[Round in circles]

Just posting a late update.. I hurt my back after falling at last week's skating trip so I was busy feeling sorry for myself. It seems to be easing off though, so fingers crossed I'll be ok for this week. Anyway, on to the good news.. After the horrible skating experience, I got back to the nice rink for my second lesson during which I earned my second learn to skate badge which officially puts me out of the complete noob category. Yay me! lol

There was a 4 week course for beginner skaters coming up in a few months that I was going to sign up for, but the coach told me not to bother as I'd be too advanced for that.. Cue big smile :D

It feels nice to get excited about something again. It's been a really long time since I've had the opportunity. I get days where I think I'm crazy and that my body and joints aren't up to this, but I seem to be making good progress so far. I know I'm not young anymore, but 37 isn't exactly carpet slippers time either and I remember in my late teens and early twenties when I couldn't walk up or down stairs 2 days after martial arts training because my muscles hurt so bad. So I guess things hurt no matter how old you are. I'm sure once the last of the twinges in my back go away, I'll feel better.

I think this week I might have to do a jump for the next badge. By jump.. I mean tiny bunny hop lol, but I have no idea how to land on ice. It never went well when I tried it on rollerblades as a kid. I wonder if I'm allowed on the ice with a helmet and a couple of pillows tied around me!

[Catherine S]

You may need a few lessons in being polite too? Terry has repeatedly replied to your posts and you've completely ignored him. Answer him why don't you! Getting your feelings off your chest is fine, but acknowledge that you've at least read people's replies. Just sayin'

[Round in circles]

Wow, I didn't mean to not reply. I haven't been feeling great tonight and I was trying to post something positive to keep my mind off things. I'm sorry I wasn't focused on social etiquette. Where on earth did that vitriol come from. I've always tried to remember to thank people for their kind words in the past. I slip up once and deserve this?? What the hell?

Thank you Terry. I did appreciate your post and I apologise that I didn't thank you in the previous one but I think you are way out of line here I Still Believe. You should take your own advise on manners before having a go at others!

---------- Post added at 00:47 ---------- Previous post was at 00:41 ----------

You know what. Forget it. I thought people were nice around here, but I don't need this. You have no idea how much I didn't need that knock right now. All I was trying to do here was make some friends but I can see when I'm not welcome. I'm really upset here. I get it. I don't act the way I'm meant to. Did it ever occur to you that I'm trying though? I have Asperger's syndrome. I forget to do things sometimes, but there's not a day goes by where I'm not constantly trying to do and remember to do the right thing.

Really really upset now. Thank you. Goodbye. It was nice to meet everyone and thank you for the kind words people gave me, but I think this forum is yet another place I don't belong.

Take care and thank you.

[Catherine S]

There's no need for the rant and sorry but if he took the time and effort to reply to you on this post, he deserved to be acknowledged. There's no need to throw your toys out of your cot for goodness sake. Sometimes...and it really is only sometimes, I get a bit tired of wrapping our younger members up in cotton wool is all. There is absolutely no need for a hissy-fit.

And by the way, what about all the people who have helped you? So forget them now and leave? Nice. Why not stay and just ignore me is all you have to do. Just sayin'

[Round in circles]

What exactly do you want from me I still believe? In my last post I apologised for not thanking Terry. I also thanked everyone who had given me kind words and said take care. I have tried to give back as much as I received. I also wrote Terry a pm to personally thank him tonight. I'm sorry you feel that I suck as a forum member. No I'm not throwing a hissy fit. I'm actually very upset. I know how much I don't fit in anywhere and here was the last place on earth I had any friends. I had been trying exceptionally hard to do things that come naturally to non aspies. I thought I had been conversing in the correct manner and it hurts me when instead of simply pointing out my error, you made a personal attack.

I already hate myself and wish I was dead. Thank you for helping to reinforce my belief that I don't belong anywhere and don't deserve any friends because really deep down I'm a horrible person.

I was just at a counselling session to deal with abuse issues in my past this afternoon and to say I'm fragile would be one hell of an understatement, but if you want to think it's just a hissy fit go ahead. I'm used to judgements being thrust in my face. It's the story of my life.

[Catherine S]

Sorry, but I wasn't asking for anything from you except acknowledging Terry's 3 replies, he was the only person actually replying to you and I felt bad for him that you kept updating the thread and ignoring him. That's all. By the way Asperger's or no Asperger's, please do not try to tell me that this has made you want to die, that's an awful thing to say to me and if you carry on ranting things like that at me I will report you. Nobody here should be made responsible for somebody's life...that's a step too far and out of order.

[Round in circles]

I actually was very specific with my words. I said it helped reinforce ( meaning the belief was already there) MY belief which indicated that it was a belief that came from myself. I further explained about the counselling to give some indication where that stemmed from. Like I said, I have apologised several times, but it seems no amount of apologising will satisfy you so I'm done. Think what you like!

---------- Post added at 01:56 ---------- Previous post was at 01:55 ----------

Ps.. Report away. Run me out of here faster.

[Catherine S]

You're obviously still in tantrum mode, and I'm not running anybody out of anywhere...you seem to be the one wanting to leave, which is a bit silly really when its only me you're angry with. I'm a nice person really..I just don't like bad manners, and from anyone I mean by that by the way.

[PanchoGoz]

just sayin' is just about the worst way imaginable to end a complaint. It's a super cocky Americanism. Perhaps you need to learn some internet etiquette yourself ISB then arguments like these won't startand we can all be happy bunnies. It's a shame to see threads like this ruined so often.
Round in Circles, please stick around. You're one of many that announce they're leaving then regret it. NMP is a nice place just words come out wrong sometimes on the internet. No need to take it so deeply to heart - perhpas that would be a big thing in your life you need to work with and change your thought patterns around. We're all treated the same, it's how we react that determines your friends. It's our choices that show who we are, karma, cosmic forces bla bla

[Catherine S]

That's ok, you can't please all of the people all of the time. But my origional point remains the same i'm afraid, as it was how I felt for Terry at that time.

---------- Post added at 13:26 ---------- Previous post was at 13:23 ----------

Oh, and good to see you popping on here Pancho, haven't seen you for a while. Internet etiquette....hmmm, that could apply to alot of members then! Just saying...with an english accent that is.

Karma :flowers:
ISB

[Round in circles]

Thank you Pancho. It's nice to see that some people are still capable of constructive criticism in a nicer manner. I have a great deal of failings when it comes to social interactions, and unfortunately always will. Certain parts of my brain will never fully learn to act and react in the correct way no matter how much I practise at it. I can learn to remind myself to do things, but some days I forget and well.. This situation has been played over hundreds of times throughout my life. I hope from past posts that people realise that for most part I genuinely try to be polite and respectful.

The reason I got so upset is that I had been so focused on making the skating and this thread a positive experience. I am not excusing the fact I neglected to say thanks, but the fact is I have already apologised profusely when it got called to my attention. I cannot do any more on that matter.

I have been for the most part, housebound for the past 15 years. I have been too scared to go out and do anything for a very long time. I can't do any normal things like go to a pub, cafe or cinema. I literally spent all day every day in the house. I felt like my life was over. When I started this skating thing I made a point to post my experience in a positive manner despite it being the single hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I wanted this to be a positive new beginning, to rejoin the human race.

I met many good people here and for that I am very thankful, but I know no matter how many times I get it right there will always be others where I get posts really wrong. I am not ashamed to say that I don't have the self belief and confidence to weather overly abrasive replies. These things hurt me deeply and always will.

Participating here was hugely difficult and rewarding in equal measure, and I have a huge respect for a great number of folks here. I wish everyone the very best but I am not strong enough to cope with the ins and outs of internet forums.

Thank you and take care.

[PanchoGoz]

I was going to say carry on with the thread and keep us up to date with your successes - we like to see things like this. To keep the thread a success story...would like to see how you are getting on, to keep it the positive experience you intended. You haven't done anything really wrong, everyone says and does the wrong things every now and then, I do it all the time as ISB was trying to weave into their post.
But if you truly feel the need to leave then do. Hopefully that is not an avoidence of facing up to a character flaw that causes you trouble - you get the same amount of good and bad real life, though perhaps not as to your face and each hit wethers you up a bit more. Keep getting better...

[MyNameIsTerry]

I would just like to say that I get on with everyone in this thread as far as I'm concerned and I hope for that to continue. What I don't want is for any of us to fall out with each other. I'm touched that people believe thanks or acknowledgment may be required and that people feel the need to say thanks, whether at the time or later as I don't expect it and post hoping it might be informative or helpful.

Moving on positively sounds good.