harasgenster
06-04-14, 17:18
Some of my posts on here recently have been related to feeling insecure or having low self-esteem. I've found ways to deal with it lately that have made me feel much more comfortable, so I thought I'd share them here :)
1) Noticing when you feel insecure - In some situations I start to feel angry and jealous and, depending on how emotionally wrought the situation is and whether or not I'm drunk(!), I can sometimes even act out in ways I'm later really embarrassed by. I've found it useful to start noticing when I feel anger or jealousy and to ask myself why - is it because of something I feel about myself? Am I telling myself that I'm not good enough? Actually recognising these thoughts seems to have been a great first step for me!
2) Questioning the insecurity - In CBT they often ask you to counteract negative thoughts with positive ones or to challenge your thoughts. I found that often I didn't really believe the positive thoughts, so they just felt empty and made me feel more depressed. My workaround for this has been to question negative thoughts without necessarily looking for evidence to challenge it (because I'll be too good at questioning the evidence!) So if I find myself thinking 'I'm unattractive' or 'I'm invisible' or 'I don't matter to anyone', I question how much I can know whether or not that's true. If I can't know for sure that that's the truth then I'm only choosing to believe it, and that choice is making me unhappy. If I take a punt on thoughts like 'I'm attractive' or 'I am inherently worthwhile/I always matter' - just as an experiment, so I don't necessarily need to wholeheartedly believe it - then I will behave differently and the new ways in which I behave will allow me to have more fun, therefore I will be living a more enjoyable life.
3) Thinking about how not being insecure will change my life - Many thanks to admin here (Nicola?) for pointing me in the direction of this: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/articles/esteem/, which is where I got this idea. Almost all of my problems, times I've been 'difficult' or 'needy' and later embarrassed about that, and basically everything I've ever done and said, or not done and said, and then regretted that have been because I felt insecure. It's at the heart of everything. If I made the choice not to consider myself to be 'lower' than others, and to remind myself when I walk into a room that I am equal to everybody, and if I just took a punt on that even if it doesn't seem true at the time, then my life would change exponentially. I wouldn't beat myself up so much, I wouldn't be so nervous around people, I wouldn't say or do the things I've regretted that were all based on low self esteem. It makes the whole problem seem very simple and very understandable - if I take the 'risk' that I'm actually an ok person and just run with that then I could change my life.
I've found these three steps really useful and they worked very quickly for me. I've found myself able to deal with situations markedly better just in a few days of reminding myself of these three things. In that time I have had one moment of feeling extremely angry and jealous over a ridiculous thing (and I knew it was ridiculous and I was in the danger zone of being drunk at the time!) but I was able to bring myself back and put things into perspective just by recognising it was down to insecurity and then going through the other two steps to think about what kind of a choice I want to make over that insecurity. I choose to assume I'm just as worthwhile as everyone else and to act as if I am too. It always feels like some kind of a risk to do that, but taking risks is the only way to gain confidence and there is literally nothing to lose :)
So I thought I'd write this simply because it's helped me. Hope it helps someone else.
1) Noticing when you feel insecure - In some situations I start to feel angry and jealous and, depending on how emotionally wrought the situation is and whether or not I'm drunk(!), I can sometimes even act out in ways I'm later really embarrassed by. I've found it useful to start noticing when I feel anger or jealousy and to ask myself why - is it because of something I feel about myself? Am I telling myself that I'm not good enough? Actually recognising these thoughts seems to have been a great first step for me!
2) Questioning the insecurity - In CBT they often ask you to counteract negative thoughts with positive ones or to challenge your thoughts. I found that often I didn't really believe the positive thoughts, so they just felt empty and made me feel more depressed. My workaround for this has been to question negative thoughts without necessarily looking for evidence to challenge it (because I'll be too good at questioning the evidence!) So if I find myself thinking 'I'm unattractive' or 'I'm invisible' or 'I don't matter to anyone', I question how much I can know whether or not that's true. If I can't know for sure that that's the truth then I'm only choosing to believe it, and that choice is making me unhappy. If I take a punt on thoughts like 'I'm attractive' or 'I am inherently worthwhile/I always matter' - just as an experiment, so I don't necessarily need to wholeheartedly believe it - then I will behave differently and the new ways in which I behave will allow me to have more fun, therefore I will be living a more enjoyable life.
3) Thinking about how not being insecure will change my life - Many thanks to admin here (Nicola?) for pointing me in the direction of this: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/articles/esteem/, which is where I got this idea. Almost all of my problems, times I've been 'difficult' or 'needy' and later embarrassed about that, and basically everything I've ever done and said, or not done and said, and then regretted that have been because I felt insecure. It's at the heart of everything. If I made the choice not to consider myself to be 'lower' than others, and to remind myself when I walk into a room that I am equal to everybody, and if I just took a punt on that even if it doesn't seem true at the time, then my life would change exponentially. I wouldn't beat myself up so much, I wouldn't be so nervous around people, I wouldn't say or do the things I've regretted that were all based on low self esteem. It makes the whole problem seem very simple and very understandable - if I take the 'risk' that I'm actually an ok person and just run with that then I could change my life.
I've found these three steps really useful and they worked very quickly for me. I've found myself able to deal with situations markedly better just in a few days of reminding myself of these three things. In that time I have had one moment of feeling extremely angry and jealous over a ridiculous thing (and I knew it was ridiculous and I was in the danger zone of being drunk at the time!) but I was able to bring myself back and put things into perspective just by recognising it was down to insecurity and then going through the other two steps to think about what kind of a choice I want to make over that insecurity. I choose to assume I'm just as worthwhile as everyone else and to act as if I am too. It always feels like some kind of a risk to do that, but taking risks is the only way to gain confidence and there is literally nothing to lose :)
So I thought I'd write this simply because it's helped me. Hope it helps someone else.