Ended Relationship Becuase of ROCD? Now Totally Heartbroken.

[ralroter]

I've lived with generalized anxiety, adhd and depression for my entire life, so I'm used to obsessive catastrophic thoughts. I had them in my last relationship; I obsessed about problems we had, and, whether I really loved my girlfriend. I didn't really notice it because there were so many issues in that relationship that worry seemed justified. Now, I'm not sure if I've ended an extremely promising and rewarding relationship because of obsessive thoughts, or because something actually happened.
However, I met an amazing woman recently. We connected immediately, and the more I got to know her, the more we had in common. This was totally amazing and eye opening to me. About a month in I started having those catastrophic thoughts questioning how I felt about her, after smoking a bunch of pot. I was worried that I wasn't physically attracted to her. I felt sad, the next time I saw her, I didn't feel a real sense of attraction. Then I spent the next few days incredibly sad (didn't tell her). Then, when we saw each other again, I felt the same strong feelings for her.

Then this happened again, a few weeks later, after I had gone on light therapy after realizing I had some serious seasonal depression. I felt like a new person and it felt like I lost my connection to her. Then, a week later, it came back and felt fine, but I was more wary.

I then slipped into depression. It was either this situation, or going off st john's wort, a medication I took for a while to get rid of depression, that caused it. But the depression didn't go away. I would have brief moments of feeling for my girlfriend, but it felt like this depression was sticking around. We agreed to end the relationship.

That was a few weeks ago, but I'm finding the heartbreak insanely intense, very hard to bare, and especially hard to bare because I am responsible for the relationship ending, instead of getting dumped. I have a hard time believing that I really didn't love her now, but I'm not sure if I can trust my feelings.

I've got my first counseling appointment next week, but I wanted to hear what you folks think of my story. Does this sound like ROCD, albeit mixed with a little bit of depression? Can I be so heartbroken over someone I didn't truly love? Thanks for bearing with me.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Does it sound like any of this of OCD UK's OCD Types page?


Relationship Intrusive Thoughts - Obsessive doubts over the suitability of a relationship, one’s partner or one's own sexuality are the main focus for the obsessional thoughts. Obsessional thoughts include:

Constantly analysing the depth of feelings for one's partner, placing the partner and the relationship under a microscope and finding fault.
Constantly needing to seek reassurance and approval from one's partner.
Doubts that one's partner is being faithful.
Doubts that one may cheat on their partner.
Questioning one’s own sexuality, and having feelings, thoughts and impulses about being attracted to members of the same sex.
The constant analysing and questioning of the relationship and partner often places immense strain on the relationship and the result is a person with OCD will often end the relationship to rid themselves of the doubt and anxiety, which is usually often repeated with any subsequent relationship.

[ralroter]

Thanks, Terry.

The second strikes me: "Constantly analysing the depth of feelings for one's partner, placing the partner and the relationship under a microscope and finding fault."

I obsessed over the depth of my feelings for her constantly. I did this before with the aforementioned ex, whom I was with for 3 years (maybe started having those thoughts a year or so in). It seems like a lot of the stories I've read with people who suffer from ROCD start having trouble much later, closer to the end of the honeymoon phase. Given that this relationship was much briefer, is it more likely to be that I simply lost attraction to her?

[MyNameIsTerry]

I guess the question really is, when you started having the thoughts were they obsessive? Given we are talking a form of OCD, we would be talking about intrusive thoughts.

It seems like you lost interest, became depressed, improved, felt more into her but was wary of your feelings or her?

Was the depression because of the obsessive thoughts or was is the seasonal affective disorder that you used light therapy to treat?

Could it be that the thoughts were obsessional and this turmoil caused a spiral of depression?

I don't know about how ROCD works really, but I do have a few types of OCD myself and I know how obsessional thoughts can drive you to despair. So, I'm not sure about how & when ROCD kicks in with relationships as I'm not very familiar with it but it seems to me that the question to ask is whether you had control of those thoughts and they were conscious ones or whether they weren't which would be the OCD side.

[ralroter]

They were definitely obsessive. I felt completely out of control, and wanted to stop them badly.

"It seems like you lost interest, became depressed, improved, felt more into her but was wary of your feelings or her?"

This is a pretty good characterization, but throw in another depression/lost interest at the end. Near the end I really felt like I lost interest, though. I remember being attracted to other women in a very strong way.

"Was the depression because of the obsessive thoughts or was is the seasonal affective disorder that you used light therapy to treat? "

I was apparently depressed when we met. I lived in an apartment with no outside facing windows, and once I started light therapy I felt like i got a jolt of energy. But there was a period of depression that started a few weeks after that. I chalked it up to weaning myself off st john's wort, but it never stopped, even after over a month.

"Could it be that the thoughts were obsessional and this turmoil caused a spiral of depression?"

I think so. With my generalized anxiety, I make my nightmare a reality by obsessing about job performance, social ability..ect, to the point where I can become tense and anxious for days if not weeks, effecting my job performance and making me awkward and uncomfortable in social situations. I think it's possible I saw a weakness in the relationship, that she isn't quite as physically attractive as past girlfriends, and obsessed over it as a means of "fixing" it.

---------- Post added at 23:44 ---------- Previous post was at 23:30 ----------

Also, after thinking about it a little bit more, I remember that last period of depression felt different than anything I've experienced. I'm used to anxiety manifesting itself in tension and worry, but when I worried about my girlfriend, I felt more emotional consequences, or sadness. As soon as Id get myself to stop obsessing, I'd feel much better. I don't know if better would have resulted in feeling more positive about the relationship or engaged with her, though.

[MyNameIsTerry]

It sounds like you have an issue with "all or nothing thinking". I have this.

I don't have the same issues but since my GAD relapse occurred I developed OCD. I too have issues around thinking about GF's that way.

Can I ask, do you have problems discarding items often of little worth and do you find you have a strange compulsion to save money for the future and worry about money even if you have a lot of it?

I only ask because I do and I saw some similarity in what you said about job performance which was one of my issues earlier on. I found out towards the end of my therapy that I had Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

[ralroter]

All or nothing thinking is all I do.

I do obsess over money, even when I'm comfortable. Even when I had a cushy job I still obsessed over saving money. I'm a big foodie, but I didn't really allow myself to eat out or buy nicer groceries, or much furniture for my apartment.

As for discarding things of little worth, I am not totally sure i have that. I do write lots of notes to myself, mostly on my iPhone, and have a very hard time deleting them. Emails are difficult for me to delete as well. I feel like there is some compulsion there.

I noticed recently playing this survival video game called don't starve, that I would stockpile food obsessively. You have to save up food for the winter season, and, even when I knew I had enough food, I'd devote all my time to getting more. Once more, there are many other dangers in the game other than running out of food, but that's where I put my effort.

I've noticed a lot of parallels between what I deal with and OCD. I've yet to really pursue it, though, so I'll be sure to bring that up with the psychiatrist. Thanks so much for reaching out.

When you'd obsess about past GFs, did you feel like the obsessions had the power to actually make you feel like you've lost feelings, or attraction, to them? Or was it more of an added level of anxiety that made it harder to be present with them?

[MyNameIsTerry]

Definitely the former of the two. I've found myself questioning whether I love a current girlfriend or not. I've noticed that when my anxiety had decreased my thoughts start changing to finding something better. I've never felt it about past relationships though, but i've never been someone who thinks about them anyway as I'm used to moving on quite quickly.

I think you should check out OCPD. Making lots of lists, workaholic, difficulty delegating, hording, saving for rainy days that never come, not wanting to spend money but wanting to save it, etc. Those are some of the criteria.

I have problems with receipts, invoices, old paperwork, statements, even a note to check something online from years ago, etc. I think these could all fit into hording and trouble discarding. I also don't see why it wouldn't extend to electronically held data. Its a "just in case" mentality that's out of control.

Interestingly, its a Cluster C disorder. They are associated with fear and anxiety.

I can understand what you mean about games as well. I'm always reloading guns even if i've hardly fired anything and have loads left in the clip.

I don't think this is so much to do with the relationship issues, but a few of your points seemed to identify with what I have been going through.

Did you feel it was wrong when you were doing that in the games, with money, etc? Personality disorder sufferers don't know they wrong and whilst I felt I might be not needed, I never felt strongly enough to say it was wrong. Once my therapist showed me the criteria, and I think she said you had to have 4+ of them, I felt like I knew they were finally wrong.

[ralroter]

When you say that when the anxiety decreased you found yourself looking for something better, do you mean you started looking at other women as you started to feel better? Or that the anxious thoughts were slowly replaced by more positive, healthy thoughts about your GF?

I definitely fit a lot of that criteria you list. Workaholic, difficulty delegating, saving for rainy days.

I'm not positive my hoarding instincts are that strong, or terribly obtrusive to my life, but they are definitely there. I am writer, and used to be a journalist, and I think I'm constantly afraid that every good idea I have will be my last, so I write them down. Getting rid of them is painful in that way.

I can also sympathize with constant reloading of guns in FPS games. Do that all the time.

I feel bad about all these things. I'm very aware of when I'm doing it and there's a lot of shame, whether it's shame for being disorganized or not allowing myself to buy what I want and can afford, or not being able to stop obsessing over small details.

"I don't think this is so much to do with the relationship issues, but a few of your points seemed to identify with what I have been going through."

What do you mean? What have you been going through? Feel free to message me if you don't want to get into it here. Also, I'm going to sleep in a little bit, so I'll respond in the morning.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I meant I don't think OCPD is related to your relationship issues. That does seem more ROCD.

My hoarding isn't a big deal, I have clear outs eventually. I just find something in my mind saying I should be keeping things but I know they are pointless.

Shame over being disorganised would fit I think because OCPD is largely about control so being out of control would cause negative emotions.

I would find myself looking at other women. Its a sense of my GF not being enough for me, like never being happy with what you have got. This only came when the OCD came.

Its the trouble with GAD it can overlap with other anxiety disorders and phobias so you end up tackling elements of lots of them.

[ralroter]

I think what I was doing was very similar. Worrying she wasn’t good looking enough, that I’d fall out of love with her. It’s really scary to think I might do this again.

You refer to the OCD coming and going. Does that mean you’ll have times where you won’t have these thoughts? Where they’ll go away? If so, does it go away along with the anxiety? Did you notice something change before the OCD goes away, or is it just random?

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think about their looks as well. Its like we are never truly happy.

Maybe it stems from a lack self love and acceptance?


My OCD issues always subside when Im less anxious. The same when I'm depressed. They are still there but not as intense and I can say "oh, who cares" and not do all of them. When the anxiety is less it is a positive statement but its the opposite when depressed, its a negative statement.


So, it doesn't go away. I'm not at that stage yet. It subsides to a less intrusive level.


I've also noticed that in the depressed stage I am more forgiving of the flaws in a partner and feel guilt for wanting more in the other stages.


I found that my OCD is held up by the GAD, like its a baseline. I found I could decrease a lot of the OCD but not the worst forms. To reduce the worst forms and reduce or completely wipe out the lesser forms, I had to do it indirectly by reducing the GAD, hence that baseline shrank. Then I was stronger so found tackling the worst forms a bit easier.


Does that make sense?


A lot of people on here think acceptance is the best thing but it wasn't enough for me. I had to undermine the anxiety and attack it from the flank.


I have periods where OCD rituals I haven't done for ages start to come back. Its demoralising, but you just tackle it again and its easier this time around.