ChilliChocolate
10-04-14, 16:02
Warning! This may be long...
I just want to type this up and press the send button. Hopefully this will cathartic enough for me to deal with today - one of the worst days I've had in such a long time.
Things were going so well. I was slowly gaining confidence, improving in my energy and ability; slowly pushing myself and seeing that small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I just want to go to bed and stay there.
I'm trying to see this as a positive thing. However I'm sure you can appreciate when you feel in the pit of despair and your body aches with exhaustion, it's hard to see the sugar coating on the poo!
Firstly I woke up today feeling rather ok. A bit of a spring in my step, ready to face the day ahead. My youngest son had a hospital review appointment and I anticipated that I should be gentler on myself today so I sat around reading, watched a bit of comedy on the TV, and used the laptop. I think because I've had a couple of ok days, my husband decided to test me. We run a charity and since I have been ill, he has taken things over. He has been working hard catching up and I do understand that he is working blind but this morning the questions and the comments came so thick and fast. Everything was a blur in my mind. It felt like he saw the old 'me' and I asked him to stop as he was pushing me. I wasn't ready to think about it all. Do you know what his response was (in his trying to be jokey way!) "stop being a p@ssy!'". You can imagine... I flipped my lid!
Now I know it's been hard for him. It has for us all. He wants his capable and strong wife back who ran around everywhere and did everything for him and the kids. Truth is, I'm not her. The way I'm feeling, I don't think I'll ever be her again. In some way, I don't want to be her anymore. Taking everything on, being a martyr; the pressure and responsibility of it all is WAY too much. Don't get me wrong - this is not depression or apathy. This is me being rational. I have had enough!
So with me worked up (and him silent after being told how he made me feel) we go to the hospital with our son. The memories of his illness and surgeries were flooding through me. I tried to let it all float through me in the waiting room and I did rather ok. It was when we got into the consultants room that I turned to jelly. I couldn't look at the consultant; I couldn't answer any questions, I just nodded every now and then as she examined my son. The questions were coming again and my brain just completely surrendered. I told her straight 'sorry but I'm having a panic attack. I had a breakdown 6 weeks ago'. Immediately she looked at me and said that she could tell and that considering I was doing really well. I said that it could be the effects of stress over the past few years and she said the most interesting thing " maybe because your son is now doing so well, it is time to relax". Instantly I exclaimed "YES!". That felt so right! As I sit here typing and remembering, I can't help but feel grateful that she saw me struggling and understood, and not only that, she deeply understood 'why'.
I know I'll get over today. In fact now I've typed these words I feel like crying because I have finally seen the reason behind my breakdown. I can't wait to start counselling because I do feel like I'm fumbling through the dark though for the way forward.
Anyway thanks for letting me share. Thank you also if you have read this all and got to the end. I'm off to bed for a snooze. :weep:
CC x
I just want to type this up and press the send button. Hopefully this will cathartic enough for me to deal with today - one of the worst days I've had in such a long time.
Things were going so well. I was slowly gaining confidence, improving in my energy and ability; slowly pushing myself and seeing that small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I just want to go to bed and stay there.
I'm trying to see this as a positive thing. However I'm sure you can appreciate when you feel in the pit of despair and your body aches with exhaustion, it's hard to see the sugar coating on the poo!
Firstly I woke up today feeling rather ok. A bit of a spring in my step, ready to face the day ahead. My youngest son had a hospital review appointment and I anticipated that I should be gentler on myself today so I sat around reading, watched a bit of comedy on the TV, and used the laptop. I think because I've had a couple of ok days, my husband decided to test me. We run a charity and since I have been ill, he has taken things over. He has been working hard catching up and I do understand that he is working blind but this morning the questions and the comments came so thick and fast. Everything was a blur in my mind. It felt like he saw the old 'me' and I asked him to stop as he was pushing me. I wasn't ready to think about it all. Do you know what his response was (in his trying to be jokey way!) "stop being a p@ssy!'". You can imagine... I flipped my lid!
Now I know it's been hard for him. It has for us all. He wants his capable and strong wife back who ran around everywhere and did everything for him and the kids. Truth is, I'm not her. The way I'm feeling, I don't think I'll ever be her again. In some way, I don't want to be her anymore. Taking everything on, being a martyr; the pressure and responsibility of it all is WAY too much. Don't get me wrong - this is not depression or apathy. This is me being rational. I have had enough!
So with me worked up (and him silent after being told how he made me feel) we go to the hospital with our son. The memories of his illness and surgeries were flooding through me. I tried to let it all float through me in the waiting room and I did rather ok. It was when we got into the consultants room that I turned to jelly. I couldn't look at the consultant; I couldn't answer any questions, I just nodded every now and then as she examined my son. The questions were coming again and my brain just completely surrendered. I told her straight 'sorry but I'm having a panic attack. I had a breakdown 6 weeks ago'. Immediately she looked at me and said that she could tell and that considering I was doing really well. I said that it could be the effects of stress over the past few years and she said the most interesting thing " maybe because your son is now doing so well, it is time to relax". Instantly I exclaimed "YES!". That felt so right! As I sit here typing and remembering, I can't help but feel grateful that she saw me struggling and understood, and not only that, she deeply understood 'why'.
I know I'll get over today. In fact now I've typed these words I feel like crying because I have finally seen the reason behind my breakdown. I can't wait to start counselling because I do feel like I'm fumbling through the dark though for the way forward.
Anyway thanks for letting me share. Thank you also if you have read this all and got to the end. I'm off to bed for a snooze. :weep:
CC x