VENT POST - Please ignore if you like. ; )

[ChilliChocolate]

Warning! This may be long...

I just want to type this up and press the send button. Hopefully this will cathartic enough for me to deal with today - one of the worst days I've had in such a long time.

Things were going so well. I was slowly gaining confidence, improving in my energy and ability; slowly pushing myself and seeing that small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I just want to go to bed and stay there.

I'm trying to see this as a positive thing. However I'm sure you can appreciate when you feel in the pit of despair and your body aches with exhaustion, it's hard to see the sugar coating on the poo!

Firstly I woke up today feeling rather ok. A bit of a spring in my step, ready to face the day ahead. My youngest son had a hospital review appointment and I anticipated that I should be gentler on myself today so I sat around reading, watched a bit of comedy on the TV, and used the laptop. I think because I've had a couple of ok days, my husband decided to test me. We run a charity and since I have been ill, he has taken things over. He has been working hard catching up and I do understand that he is working blind but this morning the questions and the comments came so thick and fast. Everything was a blur in my mind. It felt like he saw the old 'me' and I asked him to stop as he was pushing me. I wasn't ready to think about it all. Do you know what his response was (in his trying to be jokey way!) "stop being a p@ssy!'". You can imagine... I flipped my lid!

Now I know it's been hard for him. It has for us all. He wants his capable and strong wife back who ran around everywhere and did everything for him and the kids. Truth is, I'm not her. The way I'm feeling, I don't think I'll ever be her again. In some way, I don't want to be her anymore. Taking everything on, being a martyr; the pressure and responsibility of it all is WAY too much. Don't get me wrong - this is not depression or apathy. This is me being rational. I have had enough!

So with me worked up (and him silent after being told how he made me feel) we go to the hospital with our son. The memories of his illness and surgeries were flooding through me. I tried to let it all float through me in the waiting room and I did rather ok. It was when we got into the consultants room that I turned to jelly. I couldn't look at the consultant; I couldn't answer any questions, I just nodded every now and then as she examined my son. The questions were coming again and my brain just completely surrendered. I told her straight 'sorry but I'm having a panic attack. I had a breakdown 6 weeks ago'. Immediately she looked at me and said that she could tell and that considering I was doing really well. I said that it could be the effects of stress over the past few years and she said the most interesting thing " maybe because your son is now doing so well, it is time to relax". Instantly I exclaimed "YES!". That felt so right! As I sit here typing and remembering, I can't help but feel grateful that she saw me struggling and understood, and not only that, she deeply understood 'why'.

I know I'll get over today. In fact now I've typed these words I feel like crying because I have finally seen the reason behind my breakdown. I can't wait to start counselling because I do feel like I'm fumbling through the dark though for the way forward.

Anyway thanks for letting me share. Thank you also if you have read this all and got to the end. I'm off to bed for a snooze. :weep:

CC x

[SarahH]

Well done for getting through the day.... and yes breakdowns often come after periods of stress.... mine did:hugs:

[ChilliChocolate]

Thanks Sarah! How long did it take to get over your breakdown? X

[nicola1980]

Well done and big hugs for getting through today, i also had my breakdown after a traumatic event in my life happened, i thought id be fine when it was all over but instead i crashed, it is very common x x

[MyNameIsTerry]

Same here, I worked myself into the ground (and my company happily keep shovelling the dirt over me) and the result was me snapping one day. I completely changed. Looking back there were warning signs but that day is when everything changed for me.

I'm not sure I will ever be fullly 'healed'. I used to attend a self help group and one of their key recovery statements was "getting better doesn't mean returning to a previous state" which could mean you aren't as strong or it could mean you are stronger, wiser.

I'm much further on now but I get recurring bouts of anxiety bad days & depression, others seem to suffer this pattern as well. They get shorter & less intense as you recover.

[blue moon]

Hi
I also worked myself to the point of çollapse,working with charity organisation,,I had to stop for my own mental wellbeing,I think it was the suffering I had seen when I went to Japan last year,it had bought back memories of deaths I had witnessed in my old country all those years ago....So now I have deided it is time for me to concentrate getting my health back on track. Today î do things for me I like to get out and about now that I am not committed to work.

Petra x:hugs:

[MyNameIsTerry]

it's hard to see the sugar coating on the poo!




Love it!!! :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

[ChilliChocolate]

Thanks very much guys for your responses. I'm sorry that you all can relate to a breakdown but at the same time it's comforting to know that it is common.

See now I have read your stories, I feel like I want to hear more about your experiences. I just want to get hold of you all, have a herbal tea, hold hands (if you'd let me with my sweaty hands!) and just pick your brains about your road to recovery. It can be such a lonely experience.

I really like the key statement Terry - that shall be my new motto!

[MyNameIsTerry]

CC,

Have you thought about training your husband so he knows what to do because he probably doesn't understand and feels a bit stuck. Whilst he may think it 'jokey' but when feeling anxious it could be interpreted as flippant hence him getting a telling off!

The Time For Change website is useful for some as it's got loads of disorder sufferers stories on there. Perhaps he may understand it more if he sees how all these people are affected by it?

Maybe because he doesn't understand how you can feel overwhelmed you need to use exposure so you sttart with small sessions and keep buiilding up the duration or the complexity of the questioning. Then you can habituate to it. It won't be easy but it's a possible strategy that keeps him involved.

I don't mind sharing my experiences, thats what I joined for as well as getting help of others for my own issues. I believe anxiety & depression are trial & error subjects because what works for one, doesn't for another, so it's important to share experiences.

[ChilliChocolate]

Hey Terry! Yes we had that conversation yesterday. I told him that our charity work reminds me of the 'fight' that we had to do for our son to get the treatment he needed. Problem is I feel a responsibility for the community we have built but rationally, it is in really good hands. I don't have to worry about a thing! He responded with a nod (which could mean anything!) but I start to get anxious at the thought of it so I didn't push the subject forward. Obviously, it's a work in progress.

Typing this makes me feel tight chested. Reminders cause both anxiety and exhaustion. It feels like a double whammy and this is where I am finding myself struggling. I'm confident that time will heal but also I need to start 'glimpsing' at the real problem to truly move forward.

When you guys had your breakdown, how did you balance energy levels? How did you come to accept your real issues? Was it slowly or just faced it all at once? Any advice would be appreciated!

[Annip]

Hi
I worked myself to the point of collapse too. Tablets helped for a while and then I seemed to have much trauma in my life that has carried on for 18months. I have times of calm for a short while and then something else happens and I start again. You need to go slowly. You need to remind yourself that they are memories and they cannot hurt you..but the anxiety exascerbates them. Then you get physical symptoms. Try not to go all out and be the person you were before ..take time for yourself.. there is no quick fix
Hope this helps a bit
Annip and these are for you :flowers:

[Daisy Sue]

I'm typing on only one hour's sleep last night, so if my post isn't as coherent as usual, please forgive me!

I just wanted to say I relate very much to what you said regarding the panic coming after the crisis... this has happened to me more than once. The first time was when I witnessed a car crash when I was a teenager.. I was first on the scene.. grabbed the car keys off the elderly driver who was about to start the engine despite fuel pumping out everywhere, flung the keys across the road, pulled him out of the car and propped him up by a wall, ran inside the house & rang for an ambulance.... only after the police and ambulance arrived did I start to shake, and boy did I shake. It took till the next day before I came down off that one!

Having spoken to many people in the years since, about this coping then meltdown reaction, I've found it really is common. It's like a self-preservation instinct.. we do what we have to do almost on autopilot, and only after the danger is over are our emotions allowed to show the effect it's had on them.

I'd say that you probably needed to reach that point, to get better.. anxiety and panic do go through varying levels of severity, and if yours is directly to do with your son being poorly, then I guess it was always going to hit you hard at some point. You've reached that point now, you know what's behind it - and most importantly that worry is over - so I hope the only way for you now is up, and very soon! :)