My boyfriend's anxiety

[raeking]

Hey all. I was googling some things on how to better deal with the situation I'm in and I came across this forum. I don't often join forums or post to them. It's just not my thing, but I'm living in a new state and I don't know many people here, so I don't have much of anyone to talk to at the moment.

I recently moved to a new state and moved in with my boyfriend. We've been together a bit under a year. Not my longest relationship by any means, but it has been the healthiest and most loving one I've ever had. I love him a lot and I came a long way so we could be close again. Everything with him is great. He's kind, he's compassionate, he's smart and talented. There's really only one issue that we have...and to be completely honest, it's hard for me to deal with sometimes.

He is an incredibly, incredibly anxious person. Sometimes it's to the point of mild paranoia and severe self doubt and self deprecation. There are some things going on in his life that contribute to it. His parents are going through a rough time (possible divorce ahead) and they are very selfish and judgmental people. They play favorite with his older brother and kind of crap on him. He's got one year of college left before he gets his degree and we all know how stressful college can be, but luckily his job is cushy and easy and not too many hours at all.

I'm gonna try to summarize this without rambling. I'm a laid back person. I'm unabashed, accepting, and patient, but I do have a tendency to be very blunt and pushy because I don't believe in beating around the bush or avoiding things. It's not in my nature. I'm an incredibly communicative person and don't like to bs or avoid issues.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, has some serious self doubt to the point where he has admitted to me that 3/4 of the time he doesn't say anything because he second guesses what he's about to say so often that he decides nothing in his head is worth saying due to the fact it could end badly or be taken wrongly. Sometimes when I try to have a serious conversation with him, I won't even get a grunt. He will stare, silently, for a half and hour straight while I end up rambling my brains out due to lack of response--simply because his mind repeatedly convinces him that anything he says will just be terrible.

He overthinks everything in a negative way. Driving with him is the worst. He constantly panics and gets snappy and irritable when he drives because he's convinced we'll get lost or a thousand other things. If he's driving I have to keep on calmly telling him where to go next and if we're driving through a city or anything that's not a straight shot road, it's even worse. If I'm driving he's just convinced we're gonna crash or get lost, so it's like I can't win. If one thing happens, no matter how small (like missing an exit or a turn) he gets unrealistically upset. Not in a road-ragey sort of way but like the world is ending because it was some sort of irreparable mistake.

He also shuts down faster than a light switch if we're in a place with a lot of people. He hates even going to department stores. He'll do it, but he will almost immediately crush any positivity out of the day by walling himself off completely, even if no one talks to us or comes near us. I know it's not his fault and that he does try, but it's also hard for me when I move to a new place and want to go furniture shopping with my boyfriend and enjoy myself and the day just ends up feelings miserable and strained.

Those things I can work on. Sometimes I can calm him down, especially with the public thing, but there's one, the biggest one, that I don't know how to deal with.

He does things like constantly make life more difficult for himself because he's afraid doing simple things will bother me. I'm talking the tiniest, silliest things. Like I said before, I'm very laid back and communicative. If I don't like something, I say so, and there aren't many things that bother me because I just don't get bothered that easily. He knows this and yet no matter how many times I tell him that things are fine with me, I will constantly find him doing things that are 10x more difficult for him so that something won't "inconvenience" or "bother" me.

He won't put his phone on my side of the bed (his side is against the wall) because he might have to reach over me, so he tried to shove it in the corner and kept dropping it. I had to tell him 3 days in a row that I am completely fine with him reaching over me because I knew he wanted to put it on the shelf and just refused to. It's simple things like that with a thousand apologies just thrown in randomly for no reason. He even suggested that if he comes home late from work and I'm asleep, or if he has to get up early before me, that he should sleep on the floor. The floor. So that he won't bother me by moving around when I'm sleeping. I fall right back asleep even if someone wakes me. He's seen me do it.

The car anxiety I understand. The social/group thing I get too. I can deal with those.

But I'm constantly terrified that he's doing things detrimental to his own emotional, physical, and mental wellbeing just to not "bother" me when he knows full well I'm a very "unbothered" person. He's just convinced that he's going to do something I'll suddenly hate him for and just leave. I get that it's an irrational anxiety-based fear. I do understand that. What I don't understand is how to handle this. It's incredibly upsetting for me to keep catching him sacrificing his own comfort so that he doesn't do things that will never even bother me to begin with and I don't know how many ways I can tell him that things are okay.

If anyone knows anything I can try, whether with him or within myself or...anything. I can usually handle most issues with people, but this particular one is getting a bit out of my range of experience. There are moments where he's so happy and comfortable and communicative, but it flips back and forth and is starting to exhaust me. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I just don't know how to help him get there. He is seeing a therapist, by the way, but from what he tells me she just listens and doesn't really...give him much advice.

Thanks for taking the time to read my ramble. :)

[Oosh]

Oh god, tricky one. Erm, maybe just try and teach him to see things a bit more like you.

I mean he's clearly very insecure and has big fears about you rejecting him.
So like exposure therapy show him consistently that if he speaks his mind and reaches over you to get his phone, nothing bad happens.

So instead of saying "go on, do it, it's ok" tell him "I'm gonna help you be more assertive and now I WANT you, no I'm gonna NEED you to reach over me for your phone now AND give your honest opinions." Prize them out of him, give them value, show him the process and that he'll be heard and you both will ultimately decide on something together. Show him how it's done. I'm sure you can do it. You sound intelligent.

I mean if nothing else comes of you and him you've been a positive person in his life by trying to repair his confidence.

So if YOU find these things easy then teach HIM your perspective, get him imitating you, imitating your confidence.

If you can't though then you can't. I've known friends growing up like that. They just want to do everything you want to do and don't have much confidence.

Good luck

[raeking]

I've been trying that tactic--positive reinforcement sort of thing--but sometimes I just get so frustrated and I know I shouldn't be. I had friends like that in the past too. The ones who always want to do what you want and never say anything they desire at all. It drives me insane. I just want to seem him be more confident and get/do things that he wants. I'm just finding the frustration hard to bear. Sometimes it does feel really futile.

I know he wants to be more confident too and he looks to me to be that support system to reassure him while he tries. Sometimes when he starts reverting to that insecurity I feel like I'm just failing.

Thank you for your advice, Oosh.

[shakey1961]

I have one thought about the sleeping arrangements and not wanting to reach over to put his phone on the table. Do you get time when you're alone while he's out? If so, then re-arrange the bedroom so you both can have a bed-side table so he doesn't have to reach over you.

Don't tell him you're thinking of doing this, keep it a secret until you get the chance. Ask a neighbour to help you if things are too heavy. Buy a bed-side table and leave it with the neighbour until you have time on your own. This, of course, if you have the space to move the bed to a better position.

When he sees what you've done, even if he is apologetic, you can be assertive, sit him down and tell him his happiness is important to you and if he won't reach over you, then you've moved the bed so he can get in and put his phone on the bedside table and NO MORE SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR. Slowly, he may get the message that his thoughts, feelings and needs are just as important as yours.

Also, try having a talk to him about everything you mentioned, that there's nothing wrong with missing a turning, that we're human and human's make errors. Don't get into a long conversation, just tell him to stop apologising for whatever error he's made then move the conversation onto a different subject. Don't dwell on the problem as it will not reinforce his feelings.

Try cooking him his favourite meal or take him out to a nice restaurant. Make him feel special. You could also say that all couples have times when they may argue over things or get angry, but that doesn't mean you don't love him any less if you fall out.

Another idea, find a day when he's not working and has a free day. Tell him in advance it is his day to do the things HE wants to do. Build it into a regular schedule that you BOTH have a "Your Day". If you have to, plan a day for him to do his favourite activities. Tell him these days are almost not negotiable. He will have HIS day and you will have YOUR day. That way, he will understand that you are taking "Time-out" for him and he also takes "Time-Out" for you. It's about being mutually respectful of each other.

You could also show him this forum and your post, that may help him understand you care for him.

If you want to, I'll talk to him by email or Skype. Someone he doesn't know might help him understand how other people see the world.

Hope my thoughts help.

[raeking]

Those are all really good ideas, shakey. I'm not sure if there's room to move the bed that way but I'll look at it when he goes to work today and see if I can do that. I worry about showing him this site. I think he'd be upset to know he caused me to worry so much and fear he'd end up shrinking into himself because of it. He's been getting really tense lately and won't tell me why. It's sort of been eggshells the past few days. =/ I just desperately want to try and communicate because I can't help if I don't know what's wrong.

[Edie]

I'm sorry Reaking, we are not always easy to live with!

Although this site is great, it is often not ideal for couples to use the same site, though it might be beneficial to seek another anxiety forum where he could find support.

I think I would tell him frankly that the idea of him sleeping on the floor upsets you more than the idea of losing a few minutes' sleep. Could you maybe sleep his side on those occasions, so he can get in without disturbing you? He obviously cares about you a lot to want to do that though.

I think I would try to move the bed if possible, even if it means replacing the bedside table with two smaller ones. If that won't work, maybe you could get a little shelf or even just a pocket on the wall where he could put his phone. Does he actually need to be contactable for urgent matters in the middle of the night, or could he turn his phone off or put it on silent so it wouldn't disturb you?

A lot of men simply don't like shopping, but it sounds like your boyfriend has a real problem with crowds as well. It would be great if you could support him in overcoming this, but these things need to be done really gradually. If he gets overwhelmed it will only reinforce that this is scary. Could you maybe drop him somewhere quiet-ish nearby while you go to the shops? You could even text him photos and ask which he prefers.

It sounds like his therapist is more of a counsellor. This is great if you just need someone to talk things through with. But a therapist should be more like a teacher, helping you to learn coping skills. He could either talk about this with his therapist, who may be doing what she thinks he wants, or look for a therapist more suited to his needs. It sounds like he has really low self-esteem, and this is something that effective therapy can help with. You might find that once you've dealt with the issue of the phone, and the issue of him offering to sleep on the floor, then something else will crop up. Whereas working on the underlying issues might help him overall to improve the way he sees himself.

[Cheesemonster13]

Like your boyfriend I was on the receiving end of constant criticism and bullying growing up, and it takes its toll. You learn to try and please your parents and avoid punishment (in my case, my mother), by tiptoeing around others and by not rocking the boat, and it becomes engrained like any other behaviour learned as a child. It sounds like your boyfriend really needs professional help to help overcome this, and to become more assertive.

He sounds like a really lovely person though, as do you. You are both lucky to have each other. :)

[raeking]

Thank you both for your replies. I really agree that he needs a therapist who can help him overcome the underlying causes and not just the symptoms. There's not ultimate point in fixing all the little things because if the base cause isn't dealt with, more will just keep appearing. I might ask in a noninvasive way if maybe I could talk to his therapist for me, so maybe I could get a sense from her what I should do in conjunction with her technique. He seems to really like her, so the likelihood of him changing to someone who doesn't just "listen" so much is slim to none.

For those of you that might know, I have to ask: How do I respond to/handle it when he gets snappy from an overload of anxiety? He can say some pretty callous things or be very, very short when he overloads and I don't know how to respond to that without making things worse. Any suggestions?

[shakey1961]

As to how to respond when he gets snappy... well, I'd sit down with him when he's relaxed and NOT snappy and talk it through. Tell him you're willing to take him being snappy as long as he tries to recognise when he's anxious and he must try not to be snappy. Tell him you'll meet him half-way. You'll try and accept a bit of snappiness as long as he tries not to be snappy.

All about compromise!

[sophrbk]

Thank you both for your replies. I really agree that he needs a therapist who can help him overcome the underlying causes and not just the symptoms. There's not ultimate point in fixing all the little things because if the base cause isn't dealt with, more will just keep appearing. I might ask in a noninvasive way if maybe I could talk to his therapist for me, so maybe I could get a sense from her what I should do in conjunction with her technique. He seems to really like her, so the likelihood of him changing to someone who doesn't just "listen" so much is slim to none.

For those of you that might know, I have to ask: How do I respond to/handle it when he gets snappy from an overload of anxiety? He can say some pretty callous things or be very, very short when he overloads and I don't know how to respond to that without making things worse. Any suggestions?

This sounds really difficult, but I agree with what everyone else has said so far! I'm hoping I can help from my experiences the other way around; I know my boyfriend is trying his best but struggling with my anxiety because he doesn't really understand it (though from your posts it sounds like you've done really well to get your head around your boyfriend's difficulties!) and when I'm feeling really panicky or irritable I've found myself snapping at him about stuff he does or says, which I'd usually have no problem with or even things I'd normally find adorable.

I think the best you can do is talk to him about it though I'm guessing it's difficult, as to tell him it hurts when he says horrible things as a result of his anxiety could end up with him holding in even more (I think you mentioned earlier that he struggles with saying things and second-guesses a lot of what he wants to say). I usually feel awful if I've snapped at my boyfriend for something that isn't his fault, and I've made a real effort recently to apologise to him for acting that way - your boyfriend might not even realise he's doing it, or could be saying those things because he's frustrated that he can't communicate with you how he'd like and doesn't know how to deal with his anxiety.

The idea of asking if you can talk to his therapist sounds good - when I first told my boyfriend I was signing up for therapy, he asked to just let him know if there was a session he could come to with him or any way he could talk to my therapist about how to support me.

Sorry if this doesn't really help, just offering a few thoughts!