raeking
12-04-14, 20:26
Hey all. I was googling some things on how to better deal with the situation I'm in and I came across this forum. I don't often join forums or post to them. It's just not my thing, but I'm living in a new state and I don't know many people here, so I don't have much of anyone to talk to at the moment.
I recently moved to a new state and moved in with my boyfriend. We've been together a bit under a year. Not my longest relationship by any means, but it has been the healthiest and most loving one I've ever had. I love him a lot and I came a long way so we could be close again. Everything with him is great. He's kind, he's compassionate, he's smart and talented. There's really only one issue that we have...and to be completely honest, it's hard for me to deal with sometimes.
He is an incredibly, incredibly anxious person. Sometimes it's to the point of mild paranoia and severe self doubt and self deprecation. There are some things going on in his life that contribute to it. His parents are going through a rough time (possible divorce ahead) and they are very selfish and judgmental people. They play favorite with his older brother and kind of crap on him. He's got one year of college left before he gets his degree and we all know how stressful college can be, but luckily his job is cushy and easy and not too many hours at all.
I'm gonna try to summarize this without rambling. I'm a laid back person. I'm unabashed, accepting, and patient, but I do have a tendency to be very blunt and pushy because I don't believe in beating around the bush or avoiding things. It's not in my nature. I'm an incredibly communicative person and don't like to bs or avoid issues.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, has some serious self doubt to the point where he has admitted to me that 3/4 of the time he doesn't say anything because he second guesses what he's about to say so often that he decides nothing in his head is worth saying due to the fact it could end badly or be taken wrongly. Sometimes when I try to have a serious conversation with him, I won't even get a grunt. He will stare, silently, for a half and hour straight while I end up rambling my brains out due to lack of response--simply because his mind repeatedly convinces him that anything he says will just be terrible.
He overthinks everything in a negative way. Driving with him is the worst. He constantly panics and gets snappy and irritable when he drives because he's convinced we'll get lost or a thousand other things. If he's driving I have to keep on calmly telling him where to go next and if we're driving through a city or anything that's not a straight shot road, it's even worse. If I'm driving he's just convinced we're gonna crash or get lost, so it's like I can't win. If one thing happens, no matter how small (like missing an exit or a turn) he gets unrealistically upset. Not in a road-ragey sort of way but like the world is ending because it was some sort of irreparable mistake.
He also shuts down faster than a light switch if we're in a place with a lot of people. He hates even going to department stores. He'll do it, but he will almost immediately crush any positivity out of the day by walling himself off completely, even if no one talks to us or comes near us. I know it's not his fault and that he does try, but it's also hard for me when I move to a new place and want to go furniture shopping with my boyfriend and enjoy myself and the day just ends up feelings miserable and strained.
Those things I can work on. Sometimes I can calm him down, especially with the public thing, but there's one, the biggest one, that I don't know how to deal with.
He does things like constantly make life more difficult for himself because he's afraid doing simple things will bother me. I'm talking the tiniest, silliest things. Like I said before, I'm very laid back and communicative. If I don't like something, I say so, and there aren't many things that bother me because I just don't get bothered that easily. He knows this and yet no matter how many times I tell him that things are fine with me, I will constantly find him doing things that are 10x more difficult for him so that something won't "inconvenience" or "bother" me.
He won't put his phone on my side of the bed (his side is against the wall) because he might have to reach over me, so he tried to shove it in the corner and kept dropping it. I had to tell him 3 days in a row that I am completely fine with him reaching over me because I knew he wanted to put it on the shelf and just refused to. It's simple things like that with a thousand apologies just thrown in randomly for no reason. He even suggested that if he comes home late from work and I'm asleep, or if he has to get up early before me, that he should sleep on the floor. The floor. So that he won't bother me by moving around when I'm sleeping. I fall right back asleep even if someone wakes me. He's seen me do it.
The car anxiety I understand. The social/group thing I get too. I can deal with those.
But I'm constantly terrified that he's doing things detrimental to his own emotional, physical, and mental wellbeing just to not "bother" me when he knows full well I'm a very "unbothered" person. He's just convinced that he's going to do something I'll suddenly hate him for and just leave. I get that it's an irrational anxiety-based fear. I do understand that. What I don't understand is how to handle this. It's incredibly upsetting for me to keep catching him sacrificing his own comfort so that he doesn't do things that will never even bother me to begin with and I don't know how many ways I can tell him that things are okay.
If anyone knows anything I can try, whether with him or within myself or...anything. I can usually handle most issues with people, but this particular one is getting a bit out of my range of experience. There are moments where he's so happy and comfortable and communicative, but it flips back and forth and is starting to exhaust me. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I just don't know how to help him get there. He is seeing a therapist, by the way, but from what he tells me she just listens and doesn't really...give him much advice.
Thanks for taking the time to read my ramble. :)
I recently moved to a new state and moved in with my boyfriend. We've been together a bit under a year. Not my longest relationship by any means, but it has been the healthiest and most loving one I've ever had. I love him a lot and I came a long way so we could be close again. Everything with him is great. He's kind, he's compassionate, he's smart and talented. There's really only one issue that we have...and to be completely honest, it's hard for me to deal with sometimes.
He is an incredibly, incredibly anxious person. Sometimes it's to the point of mild paranoia and severe self doubt and self deprecation. There are some things going on in his life that contribute to it. His parents are going through a rough time (possible divorce ahead) and they are very selfish and judgmental people. They play favorite with his older brother and kind of crap on him. He's got one year of college left before he gets his degree and we all know how stressful college can be, but luckily his job is cushy and easy and not too many hours at all.
I'm gonna try to summarize this without rambling. I'm a laid back person. I'm unabashed, accepting, and patient, but I do have a tendency to be very blunt and pushy because I don't believe in beating around the bush or avoiding things. It's not in my nature. I'm an incredibly communicative person and don't like to bs or avoid issues.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, has some serious self doubt to the point where he has admitted to me that 3/4 of the time he doesn't say anything because he second guesses what he's about to say so often that he decides nothing in his head is worth saying due to the fact it could end badly or be taken wrongly. Sometimes when I try to have a serious conversation with him, I won't even get a grunt. He will stare, silently, for a half and hour straight while I end up rambling my brains out due to lack of response--simply because his mind repeatedly convinces him that anything he says will just be terrible.
He overthinks everything in a negative way. Driving with him is the worst. He constantly panics and gets snappy and irritable when he drives because he's convinced we'll get lost or a thousand other things. If he's driving I have to keep on calmly telling him where to go next and if we're driving through a city or anything that's not a straight shot road, it's even worse. If I'm driving he's just convinced we're gonna crash or get lost, so it's like I can't win. If one thing happens, no matter how small (like missing an exit or a turn) he gets unrealistically upset. Not in a road-ragey sort of way but like the world is ending because it was some sort of irreparable mistake.
He also shuts down faster than a light switch if we're in a place with a lot of people. He hates even going to department stores. He'll do it, but he will almost immediately crush any positivity out of the day by walling himself off completely, even if no one talks to us or comes near us. I know it's not his fault and that he does try, but it's also hard for me when I move to a new place and want to go furniture shopping with my boyfriend and enjoy myself and the day just ends up feelings miserable and strained.
Those things I can work on. Sometimes I can calm him down, especially with the public thing, but there's one, the biggest one, that I don't know how to deal with.
He does things like constantly make life more difficult for himself because he's afraid doing simple things will bother me. I'm talking the tiniest, silliest things. Like I said before, I'm very laid back and communicative. If I don't like something, I say so, and there aren't many things that bother me because I just don't get bothered that easily. He knows this and yet no matter how many times I tell him that things are fine with me, I will constantly find him doing things that are 10x more difficult for him so that something won't "inconvenience" or "bother" me.
He won't put his phone on my side of the bed (his side is against the wall) because he might have to reach over me, so he tried to shove it in the corner and kept dropping it. I had to tell him 3 days in a row that I am completely fine with him reaching over me because I knew he wanted to put it on the shelf and just refused to. It's simple things like that with a thousand apologies just thrown in randomly for no reason. He even suggested that if he comes home late from work and I'm asleep, or if he has to get up early before me, that he should sleep on the floor. The floor. So that he won't bother me by moving around when I'm sleeping. I fall right back asleep even if someone wakes me. He's seen me do it.
The car anxiety I understand. The social/group thing I get too. I can deal with those.
But I'm constantly terrified that he's doing things detrimental to his own emotional, physical, and mental wellbeing just to not "bother" me when he knows full well I'm a very "unbothered" person. He's just convinced that he's going to do something I'll suddenly hate him for and just leave. I get that it's an irrational anxiety-based fear. I do understand that. What I don't understand is how to handle this. It's incredibly upsetting for me to keep catching him sacrificing his own comfort so that he doesn't do things that will never even bother me to begin with and I don't know how many ways I can tell him that things are okay.
If anyone knows anything I can try, whether with him or within myself or...anything. I can usually handle most issues with people, but this particular one is getting a bit out of my range of experience. There are moments where he's so happy and comfortable and communicative, but it flips back and forth and is starting to exhaust me. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I just don't know how to help him get there. He is seeing a therapist, by the way, but from what he tells me she just listens and doesn't really...give him much advice.
Thanks for taking the time to read my ramble. :)