only 18 years old...panic attacks ruining my life

[hazmatz]

My anxiety all started in the fall when I had my first unexpected panic attack. It came out of the clear blue. Since then I've tried it all. Therapy, which worked for a while but now makes me extremely anxious to walk into the therapists office and not to mention is extremely expensive. Medication: They put me on Lexapro but on day 3 I had the worst panic attack of my life (which im pretty sure was actually serotonin syndrome because I was taking 5htp with it) and I take Clonazepam (klonopin) pretty frequently to settle my nerves.

I have panic attacks at least once a week. Sometimes much more. For the first time ever, I had one at work yesterday. I always take a small dose of clonazepam before going in, just to prevent an attack but yesterday I wanted to be a man and fight my anxiety without medication at work for once. It resulted in me leaving without even telling my supervisor. (Although I called once I got home) So now I can only assume I'm gonna be in a lot of trouble next time I go back. How can I sustain a job as an adult if panic attacks are going to cause me to leave?

I feel SO helpless. I want to cry but for some reason I cant - I never do. I have very supportive friends and family but theres nothing they can do for me. Therapy makes me anxious. Medication makes me anxious. Lately I've had this notion that the fear of dying (which is what causes most of my panic attacks) may be more painful than actual death itself. I'm not normally a suicidal person but I'm at such a low point in my life...I just want this agony to be gone. I'm so young and I know I have so many skills and talents but I cannot go on much longer with this pain.

To make matters worse, I have a suspected case of IBS or GERD or something. I'm always constipated (tmi, sorry) which makes me feel very panicky, and any time I eat I instantly become EXTREMELY nauseous and anxious and it has resulted in me starving myself, literally. I'm 6'2" and weigh 120 pounds and it shows. I'm very skinny looking (albeit I always have been)

What can I do? I'm literally on my knees begging for help at this point. I'm so miserable and I'm at risk of getting fired from my job now. When the Clonazepam kicks in and my anxiety goes away, I become really depressed. I'd rather be depressed than anxious but if it were up to me I WOULD GET RID OF BOTH.

I need a course of action. Please help. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[ankietyjoe]

Sorry for the awful situation you're in.

First thing you need to do is address your eating I think. Try and get into the idea that whilst IBS etc is uncomfortable, without proper nutrition it'll be difficult to focus properly on what you need to do to fight the anxiety. IBS isn't really something you need to worry about in the short term as it's possibly a side effect of the anxiety.

I would start reading up and researching meditation and mindfulness. I won't go into details here, but it fundamentally a way to accept and cope with anxious thoughts (or any unpleasant thoughts for that matter) and over time it trains your brain to just not react to the initial feelings of anxiety. It's not the trigger that's the problem, it's your conscious minds reaction to it.

It's allowed me to go from the most horrendous anxiety to pretty much leading a normal life in a matter of months. And it's helped many other people as well.

[hazmatz]

Hi Joe,

Thanks for the response. Many people have suggested meditation but I am unsure of where to start. Is there a guided meditation you can possibly suggest to me? I have read that there are many different techniques of meditating, but which one do you think would be the best for me?

[ankietyjoe]

Try starting with this Youtube channel, there are explanations and guided meditations :-

https://www.youtube.com/user/MingyurRinpoche/videos

My advice would be to start with Vipassana meditation, which is simply breathing, and concentrating on breathing. It sounds absurd, but there are myriad reasons why it works. It's not spiritual (although it can be), it's just an application of conscious over sub conscious thought.

Give it time as well, it's surprisingly hard to do, but gets better with practice. It really does work, there is an answer out there.

And good luck.

[hazmatz]

Thanks. I've subscribed to the channel and will definitely begin practicing very soon. I've meditated before and found it difficult to quiet my thoughts while meditating, but like you said, it takes practice.