lisbeth
14-04-14, 08:51
So I've had a hellish few days. Waves upoin waves of panic rolling in, unstoppable, sometimes thought-induced,(you know the kind, those sneaky, pervasive thoughts that wriggle in despite your detirmination to ignore then, despite those ever-so-clever thought-redicrection and cocrrection techhniques that make oh so much sense and fil us with a sense of power ...WHEN WE'RE FEELING GOOD (what bloody help is that in the eye of the shitstorm i ask you. when ur at the end of your tether, no idea how you got there, wondering the best way to off yourself witn minial hassle) ...and suddenly these horrific truths are at the foremost of your mind....not so much a thought as a concept of truth, like "I will not get better from this. This is what its like from now on". "this was in my control and I've failed. It's too strong. Too smart. It knows me better that i know myself and it will always get it be in the end. It's really hard to accuratley depict these feelings fromthis clonazepam haze I'm working through (might also explain the typos)... i hope this makes sense.
Anyway about me, I've been diagnosed with chocnic/acute panic and generalised anxiety disorder (basically means I'm like 4 diffrent flavours of crazy with some mental sprinkles on top) And i'm realy keen to get to the root of the problem. The panic seems to strike with no rhyme or reason, what helps and what doesnt is variable, obvioulsy takinf 2mg of clonazepam is currently doing the trick, as I can't find the keys and am relitively happy to babble on about the darkest parts of my demons to a bunch of strangers no problems. No tears at this point, which have been flowing pretty much non stop all day so guess thats good sign. Like a bloody tap lol. Recently found out i'm anaemic from my blood texts, might go get some tabs for that cause that can apparrently present in panic-like symptoms. Couldn't hurt, after all. Ive been under general stress but now have sort of "emptied my bucket" as my flatmate would call it, taken a weeks leave from course and explained the situation (item number in my bucket), Also I should mention I'm bullemic and horrendiously underweight, 163cm and 49 kg, had been making myself sick a couple times a day on and off for the past few months, which will mean by citalopram (which has a relitively short half-life anyway) wont have been absorbed properly, if at all so...withdrawls...probaly totally understandable, but you know panic, always got this voice inside me that say its nothing chemical and nothing I do wll help and I'm just crazy, doomed to have these episodes indefinitely, raa dee raa dee raa. Anyway I should get to th chemist before they close for some iron tabs
Anyway about me, I've been diagnosed with chocnic/acute panic and generalised anxiety disorder (basically means I'm like 4 diffrent flavours of crazy with some mental sprinkles on top) And i'm realy keen to get to the root of the problem. The panic seems to strike with no rhyme or reason, what helps and what doesnt is variable, obvioulsy takinf 2mg of clonazepam is currently doing the trick, as I can't find the keys and am relitively happy to babble on about the darkest parts of my demons to a bunch of strangers no problems. No tears at this point, which have been flowing pretty much non stop all day so guess thats good sign. Like a bloody tap lol. Recently found out i'm anaemic from my blood texts, might go get some tabs for that cause that can apparrently present in panic-like symptoms. Couldn't hurt, after all. Ive been under general stress but now have sort of "emptied my bucket" as my flatmate would call it, taken a weeks leave from course and explained the situation (item number in my bucket), Also I should mention I'm bullemic and horrendiously underweight, 163cm and 49 kg, had been making myself sick a couple times a day on and off for the past few months, which will mean by citalopram (which has a relitively short half-life anyway) wont have been absorbed properly, if at all so...withdrawls...probaly totally understandable, but you know panic, always got this voice inside me that say its nothing chemical and nothing I do wll help and I'm just crazy, doomed to have these episodes indefinitely, raa dee raa dee raa. Anyway I should get to th chemist before they close for some iron tabs