chunli
14-04-14, 18:09
Hi my name is Xavier, im 19 and ive been diagnosed with ocd recently and i feel like i dont know myself. growing up i was always a smart kid and a shy one too.
I was able to make friends and be social most of my life and i was able to do well and decent in school ( i was lazy). But towards the end of highschool i was suffering from these bouts of derealization(thats what i think it was) and dissociation with the world around me. Ever since i was very little i saw the world through a solipsistic view. It was weird, i was watching the Saw movie and i felt this strange back of my mind back of my head feeling of what i felt the universe was and it was weird and apathetic i guess. Ive been taking my time the past almost two years to self actualize and it took a very potent and nasty effect. I had a suspicion that this was in part by the few times i smoked weed because i used to think i was dying and i would be hyper aware of my heartbeat and think in catastrophe. One day i was just out of it, it was my birthday, i was out with my family and my brother told me to talk to this girl i knew and i noticed i was holding my head alot(icepick tension headache) and was getting nervous and i felt my body not only from that day but from porbably weeks earlier when i was trying to do meditation i freaked out and my body felt REALLY weird like i was not in myself like a robot. That day i was trying to meditate as i was doing it i felt a mind bending effect that i guess artificially severed me from my emotions. I dont know what im doing ive seen alot of doctors got an mri and been admitted to the hospital multiple times. I think about death but i never attempt anything. I just exist here in an apathetic haze that paradoxically charges me up because i dont want to have this problem anymore i want to know who i am.
I was able to make friends and be social most of my life and i was able to do well and decent in school ( i was lazy). But towards the end of highschool i was suffering from these bouts of derealization(thats what i think it was) and dissociation with the world around me. Ever since i was very little i saw the world through a solipsistic view. It was weird, i was watching the Saw movie and i felt this strange back of my mind back of my head feeling of what i felt the universe was and it was weird and apathetic i guess. Ive been taking my time the past almost two years to self actualize and it took a very potent and nasty effect. I had a suspicion that this was in part by the few times i smoked weed because i used to think i was dying and i would be hyper aware of my heartbeat and think in catastrophe. One day i was just out of it, it was my birthday, i was out with my family and my brother told me to talk to this girl i knew and i noticed i was holding my head alot(icepick tension headache) and was getting nervous and i felt my body not only from that day but from porbably weeks earlier when i was trying to do meditation i freaked out and my body felt REALLY weird like i was not in myself like a robot. That day i was trying to meditate as i was doing it i felt a mind bending effect that i guess artificially severed me from my emotions. I dont know what im doing ive seen alot of doctors got an mri and been admitted to the hospital multiple times. I think about death but i never attempt anything. I just exist here in an apathetic haze that paradoxically charges me up because i dont want to have this problem anymore i want to know who i am.