Chloe34517
14-04-14, 18:41
I'm sorry that I keep posting on here pretty much everyday. I'm pretty need here and guess it's my only way of feeling less alone right now. I'm so sorry that it's so long, it's just everything from when this flare up started.
This all started about 2 months ago when I kept getting a weird spasm under my left breast whenever I laughed or strained. Then, my Mum didn't think and told me about this lady who she'd spoken to at the doctors who had just had a sudden cardiac arrest/heart attack. She'd apparently not felt right for a while and then one night she felt so bad and nobody would listen to her, so eventually she called an ambulance herself. The doctors said that if she left it any longer she wouldn't have made it. Since I heard that, I've literally gone crazy. One night about 2 months ago I was sure I had a heart attack, but nobody would listen. I was just sat texting when this sudden feeling travelled down my head and then down my body, my hands and feet got soaking wet with sweat, I threw up, my legs felt numb to walk on, my whole body was weak and I couldn't breathe at all or stop my chest from shaking. I just remember I was shivering so much that my whole body was trembling, like a fit almost. The next day I went to the doctors and he listened to my heart, took my blood pressure and said I was find and that it sounded like a panic attack and to go see my consultant psychiatrist. However, since then I've had so many different symptoms and I'm at my wits end because nobody ever listens to me or takes me seriously when I say that I know something's not right and that I'm dying. Sleeping is the hardest because every night feels like my last and every time I eventually close my eyes, in my head and my heart it feels like it's for the last time. I used to worry about death when I was younger due to my ocd, but I could always eventually let go and accept reassurance from my family. Back then it was never so real like this, I never had actual symptoms and I never genuinely 'knew' like I know now. People say 'Chloe you know deep down you're not going to die' and it's scary because this time I genuinely don't. I can't put in to words how definite it feels to me. I had blood tests almost 2 months ago which came back fine and then I had an esr one to check for infection/inflammation and the dr said it came back slightly elevated but apparently nothing concerning. I've had 2 ECG's in the past few weeks as it was discovered when I was in hospital for an endoscopy that my pulse was high at rest. All was fine with them except my pulse. When I had the first ECG it was at about 130 and the last one was at 100. The dr thinks it's due to my venlafaxine that I've been on for 8 months, so it has been reduced from 300mg and I'm now on 75mg until I can be taken off of it completely. However, my pulse still goes really high and I forgot to tell the dr that sometimes it dips really low too. It fluctuates so much and sometimes I'll just walk up a tiny set of stairs and I get to the top and my heart is literally going so fast and feels like it's going to come out of my chest. The other day I was out shopping and that happened and I had to steady myself because I honestly felt like I was about to faint. I have to go for a blood pressure/pulse check again next weeks but I don't even know how I'll live until tomorrow let alone next week.
The symptoms I have been getting are terrifying and they started before this flare up in anxiety. To me I feel like my family aren't taking me seriously when I tell them how ill I keep feeling, because I'm the one actually experiencing the symptoms and feeling them, so maybe they're not realising that it's serious because they haven't actually felt it....If that makes sense. The symptoms I've been getting are:
- Pain in both sides of my chest and the centre that mostly hurts when I move around, breathe really deeply, laugh, sneeze or cough etc.
- Spasms/twitching in my chest every couple of seconds where I can't see it moving but can actually feel it twitching under both of my breasts and up towards my shoulders.
- Instsntly holding my chest whenever I laugh, bend etc because of this strange feeling I get with twitching etc and feels like my chest is falling out or something.
- Breathlessness all of the time, even sometimes resting, and literally feeling like I'm never going to catch my breath when I walk up even a few stairs.
- Tickly feeling in my throat that makes me cough when I breathe in (especially bad today)
- Feeling like I can never get a full breath, like I can't breathe in deep enough and it's all shakey and makes me cough.
- Sudden hot/cold flushes....One seconds I'm trembling with shivers and the next I'm burning up all over.
- Constantly sweaty palms (can't even hold my phone without it getting all wet).
- Feeling exhausted no matter what I do. Sudden waves of extreme tiredness that are really hard to fight and sometimes I really struggle to stop my eyes from closing.
- Whole body aches when I move etc (brushing teeth or holding arm up kills and sometimes I get half way up the stairs and feel like I'm not going to make it to the top because my legs hurt so much).
- Random aches even when I'm sitting that go from my head down my shoulders and arms that honestly hurt so much and make me feel sick. (One times I got pins and needles down the arm too and it was so unbearable and felt so, so static and electric shock like in my fingers).
- Feeling like somebody is sitting on shoulders and pushing my arms in to my body all of the time
- Back ache and random pins and needles/tingles in then centre top and bottom of my back. Sometimes burning too.
- Feeling weird all over on any kind of exertion, especially in my chest and breathing.
- Sudden waves of this sick feeling that travel down my body from my head, make me suddenly out of breath and in my head all I can think is 'god, what if this feeling doesn't pass, I'm going to die, I'm losing control.' Makes me feel so faint and light headed and I wonder if I'll ever be able to slow my breathing down and catch my breath again. In those moments it feels like I get stuck and am literally slipping away in to death.
- Static looking vision, like tiny little dots, especially in the dark. It goes blurry too and is hard to regain focus when I move my eyes from one place to another. (Today it's bad and feels like there's so much pressure in my eyes and I have to blink loads when I look at anything and rub my eyes).
- So much mucus constantly that's really thick and occasionally has blood in it when I cough it up.
- Keep forgetting basic things and messing my words up etc. (Today I washed my hair in the bath, washed my body then went to wash my face and instead washed my hair again. Feel like I'm losing it.
So convinced that I've got something wrong with my heart that hasn't been detected because my pulse isn't right, all of the symptoms and they only did an ecg at rest. Also, worried that it could be my lungs because of the pains, mucus, breathing problems, cough and liquidy Tickly feeling at the bottom of my throat. Feels like they're full of liquid/mucus and I'm drowning or something. My vision and that concerns me too because the optician recently said my eyesight is fine except for a tiny prescription that I probably won't need unless I drive far etc. Its like I have to rub my eyes so I can see better and focus. Worried that if it's not my heart or lungs then it could be something in my brain or a neurological disease. So scared to sleep incase it's any of these things and I slip away and die, or incase I have sleep apnoea as I snore loud, occasionally wake up with a headache and am constantly tired. In my head I just feel like I definitely know I'm going to die in my sleep tonight and not make it to tomorrow. I'm on the waiting list for psych therapy and have my first hypnotherapy appointment tomorrow. I'm so convinced I'm not going to make it to then. My Dad just said to me "Tomorrow is the first day of your life" and I just know I'm going to die and not make it. I just want to live and I'm not ready to say goodbye to my family yet :(.
This all started about 2 months ago when I kept getting a weird spasm under my left breast whenever I laughed or strained. Then, my Mum didn't think and told me about this lady who she'd spoken to at the doctors who had just had a sudden cardiac arrest/heart attack. She'd apparently not felt right for a while and then one night she felt so bad and nobody would listen to her, so eventually she called an ambulance herself. The doctors said that if she left it any longer she wouldn't have made it. Since I heard that, I've literally gone crazy. One night about 2 months ago I was sure I had a heart attack, but nobody would listen. I was just sat texting when this sudden feeling travelled down my head and then down my body, my hands and feet got soaking wet with sweat, I threw up, my legs felt numb to walk on, my whole body was weak and I couldn't breathe at all or stop my chest from shaking. I just remember I was shivering so much that my whole body was trembling, like a fit almost. The next day I went to the doctors and he listened to my heart, took my blood pressure and said I was find and that it sounded like a panic attack and to go see my consultant psychiatrist. However, since then I've had so many different symptoms and I'm at my wits end because nobody ever listens to me or takes me seriously when I say that I know something's not right and that I'm dying. Sleeping is the hardest because every night feels like my last and every time I eventually close my eyes, in my head and my heart it feels like it's for the last time. I used to worry about death when I was younger due to my ocd, but I could always eventually let go and accept reassurance from my family. Back then it was never so real like this, I never had actual symptoms and I never genuinely 'knew' like I know now. People say 'Chloe you know deep down you're not going to die' and it's scary because this time I genuinely don't. I can't put in to words how definite it feels to me. I had blood tests almost 2 months ago which came back fine and then I had an esr one to check for infection/inflammation and the dr said it came back slightly elevated but apparently nothing concerning. I've had 2 ECG's in the past few weeks as it was discovered when I was in hospital for an endoscopy that my pulse was high at rest. All was fine with them except my pulse. When I had the first ECG it was at about 130 and the last one was at 100. The dr thinks it's due to my venlafaxine that I've been on for 8 months, so it has been reduced from 300mg and I'm now on 75mg until I can be taken off of it completely. However, my pulse still goes really high and I forgot to tell the dr that sometimes it dips really low too. It fluctuates so much and sometimes I'll just walk up a tiny set of stairs and I get to the top and my heart is literally going so fast and feels like it's going to come out of my chest. The other day I was out shopping and that happened and I had to steady myself because I honestly felt like I was about to faint. I have to go for a blood pressure/pulse check again next weeks but I don't even know how I'll live until tomorrow let alone next week.
The symptoms I have been getting are terrifying and they started before this flare up in anxiety. To me I feel like my family aren't taking me seriously when I tell them how ill I keep feeling, because I'm the one actually experiencing the symptoms and feeling them, so maybe they're not realising that it's serious because they haven't actually felt it....If that makes sense. The symptoms I've been getting are:
- Pain in both sides of my chest and the centre that mostly hurts when I move around, breathe really deeply, laugh, sneeze or cough etc.
- Spasms/twitching in my chest every couple of seconds where I can't see it moving but can actually feel it twitching under both of my breasts and up towards my shoulders.
- Instsntly holding my chest whenever I laugh, bend etc because of this strange feeling I get with twitching etc and feels like my chest is falling out or something.
- Breathlessness all of the time, even sometimes resting, and literally feeling like I'm never going to catch my breath when I walk up even a few stairs.
- Tickly feeling in my throat that makes me cough when I breathe in (especially bad today)
- Feeling like I can never get a full breath, like I can't breathe in deep enough and it's all shakey and makes me cough.
- Sudden hot/cold flushes....One seconds I'm trembling with shivers and the next I'm burning up all over.
- Constantly sweaty palms (can't even hold my phone without it getting all wet).
- Feeling exhausted no matter what I do. Sudden waves of extreme tiredness that are really hard to fight and sometimes I really struggle to stop my eyes from closing.
- Whole body aches when I move etc (brushing teeth or holding arm up kills and sometimes I get half way up the stairs and feel like I'm not going to make it to the top because my legs hurt so much).
- Random aches even when I'm sitting that go from my head down my shoulders and arms that honestly hurt so much and make me feel sick. (One times I got pins and needles down the arm too and it was so unbearable and felt so, so static and electric shock like in my fingers).
- Feeling like somebody is sitting on shoulders and pushing my arms in to my body all of the time
- Back ache and random pins and needles/tingles in then centre top and bottom of my back. Sometimes burning too.
- Feeling weird all over on any kind of exertion, especially in my chest and breathing.
- Sudden waves of this sick feeling that travel down my body from my head, make me suddenly out of breath and in my head all I can think is 'god, what if this feeling doesn't pass, I'm going to die, I'm losing control.' Makes me feel so faint and light headed and I wonder if I'll ever be able to slow my breathing down and catch my breath again. In those moments it feels like I get stuck and am literally slipping away in to death.
- Static looking vision, like tiny little dots, especially in the dark. It goes blurry too and is hard to regain focus when I move my eyes from one place to another. (Today it's bad and feels like there's so much pressure in my eyes and I have to blink loads when I look at anything and rub my eyes).
- So much mucus constantly that's really thick and occasionally has blood in it when I cough it up.
- Keep forgetting basic things and messing my words up etc. (Today I washed my hair in the bath, washed my body then went to wash my face and instead washed my hair again. Feel like I'm losing it.
So convinced that I've got something wrong with my heart that hasn't been detected because my pulse isn't right, all of the symptoms and they only did an ecg at rest. Also, worried that it could be my lungs because of the pains, mucus, breathing problems, cough and liquidy Tickly feeling at the bottom of my throat. Feels like they're full of liquid/mucus and I'm drowning or something. My vision and that concerns me too because the optician recently said my eyesight is fine except for a tiny prescription that I probably won't need unless I drive far etc. Its like I have to rub my eyes so I can see better and focus. Worried that if it's not my heart or lungs then it could be something in my brain or a neurological disease. So scared to sleep incase it's any of these things and I slip away and die, or incase I have sleep apnoea as I snore loud, occasionally wake up with a headache and am constantly tired. In my head I just feel like I definitely know I'm going to die in my sleep tonight and not make it to tomorrow. I'm on the waiting list for psych therapy and have my first hypnotherapy appointment tomorrow. I'm so convinced I'm not going to make it to then. My Dad just said to me "Tomorrow is the first day of your life" and I just know I'm going to die and not make it. I just want to live and I'm not ready to say goodbye to my family yet :(.