My beloved has anxiety...

[Martyna25]

Hi everyone,
i need to get some advices how to deal with partners anxiety. How pass this hard time and the most important: HOW HELP HIM.

I have met brilliant, intelligent man. Love of my life. Very soon it turned up that he is anxious.
He was completely light-hearted, he was joking still - now i know that his attitude was some kind of creation to hide extremally sad feelings..But those days I didnt realize what anxiety really is.
Everything was going smoothly till we kissed each other (and it wasnt our the very first time - it was our 4th date in real - mostly we spent time together in web cause of distance). He broke up with me after that act. He told me that beside of anxiety he is suffering for phobia. He is still worrying that he get HIV..thats why kissing me was something disgusting for him...
I felt like all my life is going to be ruin. I wanted to calm him down and i was trying to make him sure that I am completely healthy. Of course i wanted show him proof in order to make him relaxed. First of all he said "alright, u are reliable, lets try" but then he broke up with me one more time, said that he dont love me anymore.

After 1,5 week he told me that he is really in love with me and he is missing. He gave me propose : lets avoid typical kisses (when our salivas are mixing) for some time. I agreed cause i start understanding this painful disorder, i wanted (and still want) face it with him and be next to whenever he needs. We prepared weekend on seaside in order to spend some time together. It was looking like he is really in love, that he care. Chemistry which were present between us exploded. We didnt kiss each other in lips, we hadnt real sex, but there was some intimate situation between us. After that, when we have finished, he went to bathroom and start washing himself very strictly and properly. I felt like I would be a dirty whore for him (maybe this is true at least - he is Saudi so everybody knows that they can have special opinion about Europeans). So i forgot about his anxiety that day and i have started shouting and blame him and we broke up again.
He said he dont wanna hurt me more while living without him is hurting me the most. I want face this anxiety with him as i mentioned before, i want help him somehow but really...i dont know how.
Finally...I know that his treatment can remain such a long time but even though - i love him and my decision is clear, i feel that i am prepared.
Advices are so welcomed...

[cloudbusting]

Hi Martyna

You sound so sad in your post but you also sound like a very loving and understanding person.

Have you tried writing to your man and telling him how you feel and that you want to support him ?

Unfortunately, it is his decision if he decides to get help for his anxiety. A lot of us here battled with it for a long time before seeking help, sometimes in the form of counselling and therapy, sometimes using medication plus other ways. Maybe he isn't at that stage yet. Maybe you could tell him about this forum ?

I hope that you both find some peace soon.

Lisa x

[Martyna25]

Hi Lisa :)
Thank for your respond.. I am sending him often to make him sure that I really love him truly and that I want help him..support him. I was describing how i feel as well. Unfortunately - he just stopped respond (he told me in advance that he will do something like that in order to dissapear from my life).
I just dont know how to manage it.. I start thinking that maybe anxiety is just excuse. That maybe he dont love me anymore and thats why he left me.
I really dont know how to deal with him. Hope that therapy approach him to normal attitude..

[cloudbusting]

Yeah, I hope so too ... he knows where you are if he wants to try again.

You have done all that you can and it's up to him now.

Do you have friends or family that can support you with this, Martyna ?

Lisa x

[xrachykinsx]

Hey Martyna,

It is a very loyal and kind thing to do by supporting someone with anxiety. My husband has found it very difficult when I've been really bad but it is understandable that unless you have had anxiety yourself, you just really have no idea how awful it is.

You are a very kind, caring person to want to support him so much, but as Lisa has said, you have made it clear to him that you're there for him and it is perhaps a battle he wants to fight on his own. At least he knows that you are there for him should he want some help or support. I think you've done all you can possibly do for now :) x

[Martyna25]

Ammm...No. I have nobody to talk about it cause i promissed that I will keep this kind of secret for myself..
You have a right girls - I did everything but all i regret is that i made this quarrell when we were together last time..I should be more patient and more calm.