View Full Version : Don't think I'm going to get better
mummyanxious
17-04-14, 17:02
You've read my posts over the last year. I've been going back through them and see how irrational I was. Some things were legitimate worries, well they all were legitimate but I was placing too much significance on some things.
I just honestly now don't know how I'm going to recover from feeling so unwell.
I'm so utterly weak every day.,I've lost weight and my muscles and fat are minimal. I'm still in healthy weight range by the way but just look wasted.
My body is constantly buzzing and twitching and trembling. Just walking round the house scares me now. I'm in really bad shape.
I'm waiting for cbt and counselling but as we all know there's a massive wait for this.
I'm regularly seeing my gp. I've had some blood tests recently. CBC, thyroid, fasting glucose, something else I can't remember and they were all normal. So they've concluded there's nothing wrong with me.
Yet I feel so physically unwell. As I say I have little energy. My legs are constantly cramping and tight. I'm worried my heart is wasting away as my leg muscles have (yes always my heart worries).
I've reluctantly agreed to try another anti depressant. This time its a sedating one which is apparently good for sleep and muscle relaxing.
I've been trying to do some walkingcrfhilsrlh to build up my strength but this is tiring me out massively.
I really don't know where else to turn. I want to spend happy time with my kids, I love them so desperately I want to see them grow up. I'm a shadow if my former self. I want to break out of all if this.
Not sure what use this post will be but maybe someone has some tips I may have missed.
Ive been doing headspace as well and have read my Clare weekes book cover to cover.
My mind is a bit clearer but my body massively lags behind. Feel like an 80 year old in my thirties!
AlexandriaUK
17-04-14, 18:14
Hi Sorry to hear your mind and body are being bombarded with Anxiety, not sure if I can be of help because we all have different ways of dealing with our symptoms, I know that at the age of 13 when I first experienced a panic attack I thought I was on my way out, as I got older and had children I convinced myself that I would not live past the age of 32, hence spending nearly every day in blind panic, I am now 61, so got that part a bit wrong didn't I.
I still suffer with anxiety sometimes worse than others, but I truly believe that I will never be 100% cured, sad isn't it.
I think that if we did a pol we would find that the majority of sufferers have a heart phobia, simply because we see that as the organ that keeps us alive, all the symptoms you describe are "normal" if normal is the correct description, I used to have to lay on the floor too weak to get up, I put it down now to the massive surges of adrenalin.
Have you nobody near you that could maybe give you some support, I hope you can get some quality back in your life very soon.
I wish it was a disease that you could take a tablet for but its not, medication can only deaden the bodies responses it cannot cure them, I look back now and wish that I could have had more faith and trust in my Dr, who I hasten to say was great.
Take care and if you need to talk then I am about a bit now as retired.
mummyanxious
17-04-14, 18:44
Thank you for your response its been really helpful. My gp has been great. She knows me very well and is as frustrated as me to the replace after doing so well for so long.
Physically I think this is the worst I've been. I feel old. I'm not a you g twenty something anymore and I am starting to feel my age. No I'm not old but I am starting to feel it catching up with me.
I really want to turn my life around. I've been through so many changes the past year or two and I'm struggling to get my head round them. I want a quality life for myself and my children. They're only young. I want to do everything with them. I'm so weak at the moment I drift from chair to chair (like Claire weeks describes in her book) as I feel my legs aren't going to carry me. My legs do hold me so part of it is kind over matter but I am getting weaker.
I have great support from my parents but I don't like to rely too much in them as it makes me feel like a failure and I also don't like then to worry.
AlexandriaUK
17-04-14, 19:04
Seriously that's what Mums and Dads are for, CBT is great so long as its available when you need it, like NOW, have you tried any of the help lines, they can be fantastic for helping you get past some bad times, I believe that what you are suffering from is Anxiety based, I know that that doesn't help you feel any better at this moment but at least you need to start to believe it to get to a better place x:bighug1:
mummyanxious
17-04-14, 19:08
Thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.
I know I would do the same for my own children if they ever needed it, I hope they don't, but I don't like being a burdon. I've been moved out long enough to be able to look after myself and my children yet I'm struggling to do so. And don't want my ex to know what a failure I am either as he would thrive on it.
While its not nice you've been there its nice to know you've felt so weak at times too and it was just anxiety.
I've got a follow up with my gp next week. I go regularly just got a chat while I'm awaiting the therapy.
I don't know of any helplines to be honest.
As a father of two kids under seven I don't think you should ever feel a failure for relying on your parents, especially if you are a single mum. When I think back to being horribly anxious, I was utterly useless to anyone and was lucky I had my wife who held the load - but even then I knew it affected everyone but just couldn't snap out of it.
The only sensible advice I can give is that the only way out is to force it. By that I mean do things anyway (even if you feel eighty and even if you think you will drop dead by doing it). A life ruled by fear isn't a life and when you can convince yourself of that then somehow the risk of dropping dead doesn't seem so significant.
At first pushing through will be agony (I didn't even want to get out of bed for three months), but then there will be fleeting moments you enjoy, then they will get longer and closer together. Then they will start joining together into great long stretches.
Happiness needs to become a habit, it can't be forced but you can try and create the situations where it might be possible, even in fleeting moments. What is certain is that it isn't possible to be happy if you find yourself wallowing.
I believe it can be done, I have too otherwise there isn't much point, but actually the evidence from people is pretty good and that is what keeps me motivated.
Sounds to me like you have hit a bit of a cul de sac (which I didn't realise until recently means the arse of the bag!!) which is time to turn around and try a different approach but go for it and don't fear it. You can get there - you have better evidence than most as you say you have got through it before, and there is no greater motivation than your wonderful children who will enjoy you even more if you can delete the 'anxious' from your screen name.
AlexandriaUK
17-04-14, 19:16
http://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/ This is a great Help line and I am sure that it will help you to talk to some one who will relate to how you are feeling, going out but will be back later hope you feel better.
It is an 0844 number so check on cost, its a local rate though x:hugs:
mummyanxious
17-04-14, 20:47
Thanks all of you, excellent words of wisdom x
CPE I'm desperately trying to push through! I'm trying to come out from myself, ie not focusing on every single thing going on in my body, but I still catch myself worrying my heart is going too slow etc. still worrying about my last ECG even though they said it was normal. I had a recent pelvic ultrasound which I haven't got the results of yet as well so that's on my mind.
Everything is such a mess at the moment.
It's lovely you've all taken the time to reply and help thank you.
The thing that has helped me is diet and meditation. I was in a very dark place last year with multiple symptoms and have been diagnosed with chronic fatigue as exercise became impossible. I also see a naturopath who helps me with supplements. I believe there is a way out because I've experienced it. The key for me was to ditch conventional doctors and try something different.
mummyanxious
17-04-14, 22:12
That sounds really interesting. It's great you've managed to do it the natural way. I'm not sure really what changes I could make to my diet, I don't particularly eat unhealthily nowadays. Exercise is something I'm going to have to work at because I seem to tire quickly. Ditched all supplements for the time being after getting a bad stomach. Going to start reintroducing slowly.
Mummy, what about the free online CBT course, while you're waiting. It has helped me so much. Take the bull by the horns and give it a go. It can only help if you go inti it with an open mind.
You will get better mummy . Believe in yourself :)
mummyanxious
18-04-14, 10:11
I'm so lacking in confidence at the moment RE. I find it hard to enjoy anything because I feel for some stupid reason that I don't deserve to be happy. Or if I relax and be happy something bad will happen as my happiness has always been short lived in the past.
On the waiting list for cbt Tanner but I have joined up for the online cbt. I just haven't got round to it yet as I've been trying so many different approaches to try and rid myself that I think my mind has become overwhelmed!
I understand mummy I used to feel that way too. I know it's hard and it's really hard being a single mom. Especially because you always put our kids first and we feel like we have to do it all and be the perfect mom. But you do deserve to be happy.
mummyanxious
18-04-14, 11:44
Thanks RE. It's hard trying to measure up to the life they enjoy with their dad. Constantly buying them stuff, taking then places, having quality time to spend with them.
But there's probably where I'm going wrong. Need to change my way of thinking and start enjoying the time with them as its ticking by.
I deserve some happiness as the rough stuff I've had lately, but it feels like its forever coming.
I do the same thing. Buying them things, overcompensating. They don't see their father at the moment so I feel guilty that they don't have a father.
mummyanxious
18-04-14, 22:19
Well I've had a fairly good day today in the end compared to how I have been this week. Reading 'at last a life' at the moment and wow. Completely common sense but makes so much more sense reading it. Hoping to move on away from the fear. Here's hoping!
xrachykinsx
18-04-14, 22:22
I have the 'At last a life' book too mummy, but I started reading it when I was really in the depth of my anxiety and I have to say it actually made me feel worse for some reason which has put me off..maybe I need to give it another read as I know it's supposed to be really helpful..perhaps I wasn't ready to accept my challenges when I read it.
MyNameIsTerry
19-04-14, 05:05
Hi MA,
Having no energy is a stage with anxiety & depression. I've been getting better for a while now yet I had 3 months recently where I was constantly tired and suffered headaches but it's lifted now. Just keep plodding along, it won't be fun & you might not feel good about it, but all stages end and new ones begin. I found at my worst point it would help to have a routine, even if it was a mindnumbingly boring one because at least it gave some structure to a day that would otherwise be spent ruminating.
From an exercise point of view, it is hard at first. Walking may take it out of you for a couple of weeks but it will change. Our bodies physically adjust to workload by 3-4 weeks, it's a well proven fact in the sports world. So, give it some time and use those micro goals...remember, no 'All or Nothing' thinking because that will get you down.
Why don't you try yoga or pilates? Stretching based exercise is low intensity but it has a load of benefits e.g. better posture, better breathing (which is also partly due to better posture), flushes toxins out more efficiently, transportation of nutrients around the body, better balance, flexibility & coordination.
These 2 forms of exercise can also be combined with Mindfulness since they are slower.
There is also QiGong & Tai Chi. There are even other forms aimed at increasing energy such as Kum Nye.
mummyanxious
19-04-14, 09:21
Rachy I started reading it yesterday and I found it amazing and I'm at a bad point. I did have some room in my head to take it in yesterday though so that helped.
MNIT thanks for the ever helpful advice :) I have a routine usually as I have to be at school to pick and stop off but as its holidays I'm all over the place atm. Don't know what day it is! Plus when the kids are with their father I find it hard to keep a routine. The break is nice but I struggle to occupy myself. Do I relax or do housework and then I usually end up getting anxious and doing neither and that gets me diwn as the house is still untidy and I've not relaxed either :(
Did a few simple stretches yesterday and enjoyed it. Going to do some more and get out in the fresh air again today. I like being outside.
mummyanxious you just need to keep it up. Forgive me, I have not read the entire thread, so I'm not sure if you tried all these things that I'm going to suggest now, but bear with me.
First of all, it's vital for your recovery to learn to use all the classical tools for battling anxiety (and depression) first. That includes regular (!) exercise, do something for your body every day, develop a routine - I bet that if you stick by it for 1 week, you'll see how you'll start automatically thinking about it more and more, and missing it, noticing it makes you feel good after you come home from a jog, or a walk, or a swim (whatever you like to do, physically). You need to keep at it, and beat the initial fear and kill the person inside of you that is telling you to "just stay home, because exercise can hurt you". Murder that person, she/he will lose all power once you push yourself through that initial barrier. Your lungs will hurt, and your heart will beat fast, but that is a normal part of it. Start slow though, build up your stamina over time.
Next, balanced diet, regular sleep (if possible with no major shifts in your schedule, try to keep it consistent), meditation (there are TONS of guides for newbies on the internet, just explore it), finding a hobby (playing an instrument, sports, reading, knitting, building models, whatever makes you happy), keeping yourself busy as much as possible. I don't have much experience with different therapies such as CBT and such, but people are saying they can be really effective, so it doesn't hurt to try that out as well.
As I said, you just need to break that initial barrier and keep at it. Good luck.
MyNameIsTerry
20-04-14, 00:59
MA, if the stretches are helping - keep at them. Perhaps you may benefit from pilates given it's similiar? You can always do that outside as well.
mummyanxious
20-04-14, 09:24
Thanks guys Ive had a quick read but today my brain is taking nothing in at all so I will go back over this when its functioning again. I'm not ignoring anyone.
Today I am having probably the worst day of my life ever.
I feel absolutely like there is no getting out if this.
I did some gardening yesterday and my body just couldn't lift stuff. My legs were weak, my arms were weak, my heart was racing and racing away.
This morning I am so physically broken its untrue. I feel like I'm dying. Honestly I really do.
My heart is racing again today at the slightest move. I feel drowsy and I've woken up with a million bruises all over my legs. I've list more weight again overnight:
My question is could they be missing leukaemia or similar even if my blood tests have come back normal?
Please I don't know what is wrong with me. My body can handle no exercise at all. All I can think is till bedtime. I'm so wrung out.
I've read 'at last a life' and it all makes sense. My brain has taken it in but my body is broken. I don't want to leave my children. This can't just be anxiety.
I have just read your thread and can really sympathise with how you are feeling. I am 39 and feel 89. For the last week I have woken up with really bad aches and pains in my back, stomach, chest, legs and arms. It takes me ages to get out of bed but once I'm up I do feel a bit more normal, but the tiredness never goes away. I am sure it is anxiety and have really vivid anxious dreams every night. I think that maybe the dreams are affecting my body to tense during sleep which is causing the aches that I wake up with.
I am sure all the physical symptoms you are experiencing are caused by anxiety.
mummyanxious
20-04-14, 17:12
Thanks for the reply. Feeling a bit clearer headed this evening.
I started on an AD a couple of nights ago and I know that this is in part contributing to how I'm feeling. However the fact remains I am exhausted and aching today from a small bit if gardening and where these bruises have come from I just don't know. I just have at least a dozen on my legs.
I just want to know what's wrong so I can fix it. I'm sure I'm either iron deficient or something. I know you can have symptoms of iron deficiency without anaemia but the go says this isn't possible you would have to be anaemic.
Same for magnesium. Even if there is nothing wrong with my recent blood tests the fact remains that I'm not a well person.
Been doing a couple if stretches again today MNIT just to keep going but its hard work. I'm trying to build up my leg muscles.
Notcool thanks for the suggestions. I am doing pretty much most of them but I appreciate your lengthy reply.
My brain is saying to me now, come on let's beat this and get going but my body is not playing ball at all.
As we know I have a heart phobia and the racing heart is bothering me. Like walking up the stairs with a basket of washing yesterday, when I got to the top and put the basket down my heart started racing. I was ok while holding it walking up?? Why is my heart semi ok doing the task but when I stop it races faster???
OCD-Greyback
20-04-14, 17:27
You factually will succeed and such Miss. Of this fact there is no doubt and I would not state such a fact if there was any factual doubt. I do not state without it being a fact.
I am sorry for your suffering and the factual anxiety in which you have factually endured. My own has no factual direct cause. It simply is my best friend indirectly, in that she factually is not at fault and does nothing, however my OCD centres around herself.
I factually do hope I have not stated or implied she is at fault or factually blamed herself and such.
Best of wishes to yourself and such Miss. If factually required and it can be of factual assistance, if you factually require someone to listen and I can myself oblige and such facts, I shall do so.
Ooh not sure I get this last post. Am I being dim?
mummyanxious
20-04-14, 20:11
Me neither. Glad it's not just me. Maybe a spammer?
---------- Post added at 20:11 ---------- Previous post was at 20:09 ----------
I have got a massive batch of bruises on the side if my leg near the back of my knee. I have absolutely no idea where they came from. I have smaller ones dotted all over my legs. But my blood tests were ok??? What could this be??
Spammer, spanner - god knows! thought it was somebody being really cryptic, and I was out of the loop ha.
mummyanxious
20-04-14, 20:20
Too cryptic for a small brain frazzled by stress that's for sure!
MyNameIsTerry
20-04-14, 20:26
Spammer, spanner - god knows! thought it was somebody being really cryptic, and I was out of the loop ha.
He joined a couple of days ago. He explains his use of language differs between strangers and those he trusts in the welcome section and has mental health problems that extend beyond anxiety & depression.
Perhaps consider that.
mummyanxious
20-04-14, 20:44
Thanks for clearing that up MNIT. Can you shed any light on what he means? I'm baffled.
MyNameIsTerry
20-04-14, 21:03
I think he just means you will get through it and is there if you need a chat.
The rest is about his love for his friend and how he is struggling with his own doubts, which he says are not due to her, but his own thoughts.
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=152943
mummyanxious
20-04-14, 21:15
Ah ok. Will take a look cheers!
Welcome OCD, no offense meant here!
Thanks for the reply. Feeling a bit clearer headed this evening.
I started on an AD a couple of nights ago and I know that this is in part contributing to how I'm feeling. However the fact remains I am exhausted and aching today from a small bit if gardening and where these bruises have come from I just don't know. I just have at least a dozen on my legs.
I just want to know what's wrong so I can fix it. I'm sure I'm either iron deficient or something. I know you can have symptoms of iron deficiency without anaemia but the go says this isn't possible you would have to be anaemic.
Same for magnesium. Even if there is nothing wrong with my recent blood tests the fact remains that I'm not a well person.
Been doing a couple if stretches again today MNIT just to keep going but its hard work. I'm trying to build up my leg muscles.
Notcool thanks for the suggestions. I am doing pretty much most of them but I appreciate your lengthy reply.
My brain is saying to me now, come on let's beat this and get going but my body is not playing ball at all.
As we know I have a heart phobia and the racing heart is bothering me. Like walking up the stairs with a basket of washing yesterday, when I got to the top and put the basket down my heart started racing. I was ok while holding it walking up?? Why is my heart semi ok doing the task but when I stop it races faster???
You're out of shape, therefore there is absolutely NO chance of a scenario where you'd exercise and your heart not beating fast. It's a muscle, you can strain in it. People are spending hours and hours doing things on drugs, staying at consistent 150+BPM, so you WON'T die if your heart beats a little faster. It's supposed to. A human body is not meant to be static, sedentary and passive, it's designed to run, jump, crouch, strain. You'll never feel better if you don't murder the part of your mentality that is commanding your body not to cooperate.
mummyanxious
21-04-14, 07:41
Yes I suppose you're right there. I saw some unsavoury looking drunks the other day and thought to myself how are these people still alive dossing about and yet I 'have a heart condition'. It's illogical. Though not when you get symptoms I suppose. The puzzling thing is yes I expect my heart to go fast while doing the task. But why would it go faster still in that initial period of stopping and calming down? You're stood still and trying to slow it didn so why would it speed up more?
MyNameIsTerry
21-04-14, 08:00
That's an interesting question MA. I have an example of my own.
If I carry something heavy downstairs, when I put the object down at the bottom of the stairs my breathing starts to increase which is because I was holding my breath or taking partial breaths whilst holding the air in. So, when I let go of that, my body needs to recover from the exertion and to do this it makes me breath faster, which will make my heart beat faster to pump the blood to the muscles to give them the oxygen they need to recover and reduce the lactic acid that had built up.
Its common to get this when lifting weights because you naturally control your breathing to be able to control the weight.
mummyanxious
21-04-14, 08:03
Ah interesting, thanks for that! See this forum is so interesting and can help answers questions you don't know the answer to!
---------- Post added at 08:03 ---------- Previous post was at 08:03 ----------
Well this morning is just as awful. Feel drained and frail. Struggling to move I'm so tired. Can't carry on like this at all. Snapped at the kids again for nothing in particular other than I'm exhausted. I know this is in part due to the sedating AD I'm on.
Worse still took my bp when I sat up and it was 131/124! Freaked out totally and took it again immediately and it was 113/86. Odd and very frightening. Plus as soon as I stretched my arms and chest to wake me up my pulse shot up??? Would like to add for those who will jump on my machine straight away that I hardly take my bp anymore but the gp asked me to take it on occasion when I was relaxed. All I had done was sat up on the side of the bed :/
Spammer, spanner - god knows! thought it was somebody being really cryptic, and I was out of the loop ha.
I am spinning from that post still trying to make srnce of it wat the helll xx
mummyanxious
21-04-14, 16:31
Well I've managed a walk again today. All good in the war to keep active every day. But it's been a struggle. As soon as I started my chest was tight and my heart was racing and I felt frail. These tablets really have added to my fatigue. Not sure what benefit I'm gaining from them as I went on them to partially help with sleep and they've not helped me at all like others have benefitted on the sleep front
MyNameIsTerry
22-04-14, 01:58
I am spinning from that post still trying to make srnce of it wat the helll xx
Trish, please read the thread I posted in the previous page where he explains why. It's important.
MyNameIsTerry
22-04-14, 08:22
Hi MA,
Until you get past the side effect period, maybe they won't. I know with the ones I've been on, Citalopram & Duloxetine on separate occasions, they don't do much until after a month, so just keep am eye on the situation and see what happens.
You already had a lot of fatigue before and with this one being a relaxant, its possible it would make the fatigue worse. The Duloxetine I'm on now is dual use and it affects adrenaline and my side effect period was filled with adrenaline surges.
Don't push yourself too hard right now, just do enough to keep you active and get out of the house. Once these side effects wear off, you will be able to concentrate on making the progress you want.
mummyanxious
22-04-14, 13:33
Thanks for the reply MNIT.
I didn't have a tablet yesterday night. I really did agonise over what to do but the rage they made me feel was pretty awful. So I decided to do a test and see if the tablets were contributing to the tiredness and they were as this nothing I had no grogginess and got out if bed ok. I slept almost the same as I did taking the tablets. I feel positive today. While I have had anxious moments today I've let them be there and accepted that I was anxious. I even had a wave of panic coming on earlier. I let it come and it wasn't as bad as usual.
Been to have my back done today and my left shoulder was almost frozen! That's what tension can do to you!
mummyanxious
23-04-14, 14:01
So update for today. Saw my gp again who agreed I'm not a medication person. So I'm back to square one again. I was doing really well with my positive thinking and trying to change my lifestyle etc but today I have felt dreadful. Maybe withdrawal SE after four days on the meds but go said that wasn't possible??
I showed her my muscle wasting and bruises and she said I had little muscle but felt it was because I was inactive. Didn't say anything about the bruises but she is going to check my clotting now and my muscle function through bloods.
One positive was my recent pelvic scan was normal :)
Still feeling completely exhausted but I'm determined to build up my stamina and get on my feet more.
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