Know that I'm dying

[Chloe34517]

I know that there's something seriously wrong with me, and it's upsetting me so much. I have constant symptoms that make me feel ridiculously ill and my pulse is constantly ranging from 55 to 130 at rest. Walking upstairs, laughing, getting angry/shouting make me so breathless, exhausted etc and make the feeling in my chest so bad that I have to clutch it. Right now I can feel my heart beating in my back and I have such a bad ache down my left arm from my neck/shoulder and head. I'm exhausted constantly, even though I get 8 hours sleep a night. It's like this constant lethargic, sleepiness that makes it so hard to keep myself awake. The waves of tiredness come over me suddenly and I can physically feel them come over me. Most of the time my breathing feels really weird, like there's not enough breath when I'm talking etc, as if my lungs aren't working properly. I am so detached today and feel barely with it. It's taking me so long o do anything - last night it took me 3 hours to plug my phone in to charge as every time is picked it up from next to me, I got distracted and forgot about it. It's like I'm so sleepy that I'm not with it and don't know what I'm doing half of the time. I feel so dazed and spaced out, like I can genuinely feel myself slipping away. I'm only 19 and I'm so young and all I want to do is live. I don't understand why I have to die young when I don't want to :(

[Rainboww]

I'm really sorry that you are feeling this way. There is nothing worse than feeling you are going to die, as many of us on here are familiar.
If it helps, pretty much all of the symptoms you have described can be associated with anxiety. Have you spoken to your GP about the way you are feeling? Maybe ask for a blood test - your lethargy could be due to a simple vitamin deficiency..
Try to stay calm xx

[Katie_cupcakes]

If you really think you're going to die then you should phone nhs24 and tell them what you're feeling.
Have you spoken to family members about how you feel? What have they said?
Worrying makes the symptoms worse, and all your symptoms can be linked to anxiety, as hard as it is to believe that. I'm in the same position myself right now!
Try and distract your mind away from the feelings. Do some puzzles or watch TV.
Book and emergency appointment with your gp on Tuesday, tell them how you feel and they can do a pulse check, blood pressure etc there and then and take it from there. If you can wait that long phone nhs24 and get an out of hours appointment

[Catherine S]

Good advice from Katie there Chloe...if you really think you're dying as you have ben thinking for a while now, why not call the emergency services?

[Chloe34517]

I'm too afraid to call the emergency services or 111 as I know they'll just think I'm wasting their time and I get really anxious doing things on my own :(

[ankietyjoe]

If I genuinely thought I was dying I wouldn't be worried about wasting anybodys time.

I've experienced exactly what you're feeling multiple times as have a lot of the other members here.

Get yourself down to a&e or your GP wjen they're open, get yourself checked out and put your mind at rest.

[Katie_cupcakes]

If it helps, with your age its highly highly unlikely to be anything wrong with your heart. Iv had chest pain and agnosing arm before, but its all anxiety - I imagine that every single person on this forum has had heart/arm pain related problems, and there are thiusands of people signed up here! But its such a classic symptom of anxiety. Also this has been going on for a while now, and I would have thought that if it was that serious that death was imminent... It would have happened by now.
You're obviously very worried and that worry does exactly that to your heart. Causes palpitations etc. Adrenaline from fear causes rapid heart beating. It can also be quite difficult to get an accurate pulse reading by yourself.

But you really need to be properly checked out as we can't diagnose anything on here so its important you see somebody.

[mummyanxious]

But you're not getting 8 hours sleep are you? You've said that you don't go to sleep till the early hours as you're too scared to go to sleep? I asked how you were getting on the other day and you ignored me and started a new post. That's quite upsetting as I have spent a lot of time trying to help you. I gave you tips for the last time you visited the gp and you ignored them too :(

[SarahH]

Mummy you are right....I thought the same.

Chloe, I am assuming you are alive this morning. Please take the advice Mummy gave you in the other thread.

Sarah

[mummyanxious]

I know people are going to think I'm a hypocrit as I've been accused of not listening but I know deep down I've been trying a lot of different things to try and get myself well. I know I've done this. I am now again trying a different med, reading a self help book, am down for cbt and counselling on the list. I am trying.

Another thing I do is I also try and help others. I read through other posts and if I can contribute I do do.

Only the other day you were saying you couldn't sleep. You were too scared to sleep because you would die. You can't just have one nights good sleep and expect to feel better from all those other nights of no sleep, not even someone as young as yourself.

Thing I have come to understand is whether you lie in bed or go outside if you're going to die you're going to die. So would it be better to be wallowing inside and die or go outside and smell some flowers and feel the warmth of the sun on your face and die?

[SarahH]

Mummy - you are doing well:)

Chloe- the thing is those of us who are further down the line of recovery can see that you are suffering from "anxiety" and will not believe us when we tell you that every symptom you have is down to just that...." anxiety"..... so please take the advice that is given to you on NMP. Get up! Stop taking your pulse! Do some deep breathing exercises! Try Mindfulness, talk to your GP, try medication if you need it. If you have had loads of tests, then trust the results that you are not dying and start "living".:D

[mummyanxious]

Getting up is very hard when you feel frail. I know, I'm living it. But I've felt so much better about myself and life since I've been moving about the past few days.

[Chloe34517]

Mummyanxious, I haven't purposely ignored anything you've said to me or any of your posts. I didn't ever see that you'd reply because I don't get notifications or anything and forget to check. I do listen to everything you say and I do appreciate you taking the time to respond to my posts. The reason I didn't do as you suggested with writing down symptoms for my doctor is because my doctor isn't very understanding, and I know if I walked in with a list he'd take me even less seriously than he does already and straight away put it down to anxiety. I don't sleep until around 3/4/5am but I do sleep in most of the time, so I do get sleep.

[mummyanxious]

There's no need to get so defensive. We're not having a go, just want you to get better. But what's the point in making a post and then not going back and checking on it? Why create another post? You can update on your old one and check for replies at the same time.
How are you this evening?

[Jonesle]

I'm seeing my dr tomorrow and I'd love to send a list in of seemingly unrelated things, although she is somewhat understanding I'm certain she hints it's all just anxiety. Then I leave and I get cross at myself for not saying everything, I'm actually getting quite anxious about going in the first place :doh:

[Chloe34517]

There's no need to get so defensive. We're not having a go, just want you to get better. But what's the point in making a post and then not going back and checking on it? Why create another post? You can update on your old one and check for replies at the same time.
How are you this evening?

I'm not getting defensive, honestly, I just don't want you to be annoyed at me when I'm honestly trying my best and am genuinely thankful for anybody that replies. I do usually go back to check, I don't know why I missed it. I'm not very good but going to try and get a doctors appointment tomorrow for this week to be checked out properly. I don't know why but often it's not I can't take a deep enough breath and if I talk a lot, laugh, bend down, get stressed, shout or go upstairs I get this weird feeling in my chest and get out of breath. I just don't want to die in my sleep tonight x

[mummyanxious]

But you haven't died in your sleep yet have you? So why would tonight be any different? How about trying some relaxation? How about just giving it a go and seeing what happens? I bet you're scared to be relaxed? I know how that feels. I'm scared to be happy as well in case something bad happens because I've taken my eye off the ball...
I keep bleating on about this but I've read a book this week that has opened my eyes about how anxiety gets us. It really is all common sense but it makes perfect sense.

[Chloe34517]

But you haven't died in your sleep yet have you? So why would tonight be any different? How about trying some relaxation? How about just giving it a go and seeing what happens? I bet you're scared to be relaxed? I know how that feels. I'm scared to be happy as well in case something bad happens because I've taken my eye off the ball...
I keep bleating on about this but I've read a book this week that has opened my eyes about how anxiety gets us. It really is all common sense but it makes perfect sense.

I always think "well it didn't happen last night so it will definitely happen tonight". I don't know why but every night it's more real the one before. I'm scared to be relaxed because I can't accept that it's anxiety, so I feel like by relaxing and ignoring it I'm just welcoming death.

[Marie36]

Hey Chloe..sorry things are still tough for you. I think going to the doctors tomorrow is a good idea, if you are struggling with one you could change gp..it should be somebody who makes you feel comfortable. In respects of thinking you will die, I won't you to think about the previous posts where you were very sure you would die that night and you didn't...the same as you will not tonight. This is panic and anxiety and you have real physical symptoms that just exacerbate this. The gp has ruled out serious illness..try to trust this.
You are having a very tough time as are many on this site, my experience of feeling like this makess it difficult for me to take on advice..that's ok..this site wil be many things to many people..you will give back when you are able to...until this passes..it will..deep breathes, take as much support from gp as possible , rest when you can and most importantly be kind to yourself.
Xx

[mummyanxious]

No you see that's where you're going wrong. Until you accept and feel the fear you won't get better. That's a fact. Remember all anxiety is is a normal feeling everyone feels. But it's the way you perceive the feelings that make it what it is. You are frightened if the feelings so its like an open invite to them to keep coming.

[cpe1978]

Hi Chloe

I am no expert but let me share a few things that helped me and also make a few observations.

Firstly you are overwhelmingly unlikely to drop dead in your sleep. Firstly it doesn't happen half as often as the media would lead you to believe (after all just walking the streets happily is hardly newsworthy is it). Also statistically speaking you are far more likely to get hit by a car but funnily that isn't a messy end that people with HA worry about.

Life is full of uncertainty and the first step in recovery in my experience is to accept that you can't control everything. Mindfulness is a good tool to support this.

The second thing that I found useful in making progress (you will note that idont use the word recovery) is to not view getting better in absolute terms, it is about positive progress over time and that will have peaks and troughs. That allows you not to beat yourself up every time things go wrong - and they will.

Thirdly - make a plan. Being successful at anything requires a strategy and I believe that recovering from an anxiety disorder is no different. My plan was to find a GP that I trusted and could get on with (you are allowe to choose you know), visit them on a six weekly basis which was long enough to push myself, but short enough that I could save my symptoms. Then I insisted that they didn't refer me for tests for reassurance, only if they objectively thought that it would be helpful.

Then I paid for a course of CBT. It wasn't the golden bullet but it helped me intellectualise what I was feeling and think about it differently.

Finally I cut myself some slack. I am a highly strung person by nature and needed to learn to chill out.

I am sure there is more, but I have had to reply quickly before sleep as I am on an early train to London in the morning, but I wanted to reply to your post.

Above all remember one thing. The chances of you suffering from something sinister is overwhelmingly low. You are absolutely suffering from anxiety, so spend at least as much time tackling that as worrying about physical symptoms, or my thoughts are that you are on a hiding to nothing.

Everyone is different, and critically you will find that everyone on here has slightly different views as to what it takes to get better. Equally everyone here is at different stages in their journey towards recovery. I think you need to take the wealth of input that you will get on here and pick and choose what works for you. A big point thought is that people don't typically recover from anxiety by doing nothing.

Good luck and any questions just ask.

[Fishmanpa]

Chloe,

Just to add to what CP is saying. Where you are in your journey or your current state of mind will dictate how you accept advice or rationalize your symptoms. Sometimes, and I do feel that may be the case here, a person is in a state where nothing anyone says, be it a medical professional or a forum post, can alleviate the fear.

As logical and rational as the fact that you're still here despite being convinced you're going to pass in your sleep, as much as someone says "read the symptoms link" or "check out CBT", nothing anyone says can reassure you or push you further along the path toward healing unless you're in the right state to accept it. All we can do is say it and hope you follow through. No one here is a medical or psychological expert and cannot advise you outside of their own experience.

There's been some great advice given on your threads. I truly hope you take it to heart and find a way to feel better soon.

Positive thoughts

[Chloe34517]

Thank you to everyone who replied. I'm trying my best to fight back and keep going, but 9 times out of 10 it feels like way more than anxiety and trying to rationalise everything in my brain and the symptoms is so hard. Hopefully I will live to tell the tale and feel better soon. I just don't want to die and leave everybody I love behind and be without them - just the thought destroys me. Thank you again to everyone for taking the time to reply x

[Worried 24/7]

The feeling like you can't breath is a major anxiety symptom, and one I hate the most. Even after months of feeling like I had things under control, a panic attack would sneak up out of nowhere to the point where I thought for sure I was dying. The more time goes by, the more you'll learn to recognize the anxiety attack symptoms and calm yourself down easier

[mummyanxious]

So how are you this morning?
You don't to fight it just need to accept you're tired and try to get on day to day.

[Chloe34517]

I'm not great today but I had an hours hypnotherapy session so at least I got a little break from my head for a while. Feel ill and exhausted but it's just the same as always x

[mummyanxious]

Hypnotherapy sounds interesting and I bet that's tiring. When I go to have my back done at the chiropractors he says i could feel tired afterwards and I think how can that make you tired, but it does. Hope you're feeling a bit relaxed.

[Catherine S]

Probably because it relaxes all the tense muscles, which would make you feel like you want to sleep...same as a massage I suppose.

[j2]

Chloe,

Being so young and dealing with anxiety has got be terrible. You so much life in front of you but anxiety is taking away your youthful optimism for the future. I was older and established in life when mine started. I like to think that I am able to handle mine in large part due to the experiences I have in life and the confidence that comes with age. I certainly have times when I am freaking out and I have had my share of trips to the Dr and lots of tests but so far so good. Regarding your symptoms, I think you are just overwhelmed with anxiety. We have all been there. I have had that chronic breathlessness and frayed nerve feeling more times than I can count. For me, I keep a journal of symptoms and look it over if I think I am having something new. Almost always I will find that I have had this feeling in the past and it amounted to nothing but anxiety. Exercise like running and yoga help me. I also take the occasional xanax when I get to where you are now. A good movie that makes me laugh also helps.

We care about you and we understand where you are. Don't give up, get some help and post as much as you need.

J2

[Chloe34517]

Thank you so much J2. I think anxiety is hard whatever age but the fact I'm so young makes me so sad because I've spent the majority of my life so far worrying obsessively, depressed and in hospitals. All I really want to do is live and I just feel like I know I'm near my death and that makes me so, so sad.