Anxiety - my struggle

[Ollie28]

Good Evening to you all,
Im new to the forum & this is my first post on here. After reading a couple of threads and seeing some positive friendly replies i feel confident that it would personally help me with the struggle im going through if i was to share my story & experience so for with anxiety and depression. It may be a long post as i feel i have a lot to get off my chest...hope you all dont mind 8-)

Im a 30 year old male, i have 2 beautiful happy children a girl aged 7 & a little boy almost 2 that i love and adore to bits, i work full time as a gas engineer, well up until 2 month ago when i was hit with really terrible anxiety & depression. Ive always been a quiet person not one for to much fuss or going out partying as i enjoy the more quiet settled life & time with my children, family holidays and then just a few quiet drinks of a weekend, ive been married 4 years and been with my wife for 14 years from school so we are very very close & i love her and my kids more than life itself! Anyway to cut a long story short i found out one evening out of no where that she had be cheating with a lad she worked with, although still till this day i don't know any of the details other than what she told me which is "it was nothing" at the time i found out we was going through what i thought was a "rough patch" which was very very odd because in the 14 years weve been together we have never ever had a rough patch or even a full blown argument.
The upset started for me when i found out about this other lad, i was angry and upset, secret messaging & phone calls out of working hours as you would expect i went crazy a hell of lot happend!!..... & then even though i had done nothin wrong a few days later i moved out away from my children which for me was very hard & heart breaking to take, not only did i have the stress of what was happening to my marriage and family i was also having the stress of having to find somewhere to stay, so for a week i stayed with a relative. To make matters worse It was 4 weeks until christmas so for the sake of the children i moved back home just for the festive period - as you can imagine it was emotionally hard to be thinking it was possibly my last christmas with my children & wife as a family but i did my best to make it a happy one for them,
since the day after i found out & all along i was begging my wife to forget the past and try again, infact i done this for 5 month solid! So Over the christmas period i was very emotional and i found out a few more details ect that i wont go in to but one night why i was sat with the kids i found out my wife was emailing this other guy why we was at home lying to me that there was no more contact! I went crazy and again lot of stress, anger & upset happened, again i went crazy & i ended up outside this lads house to which the police were called!

Once the christmas period was over so much had happened i was drained - my brothers partner ended up getting sacked from her position in work as she works in the same place as my wife & this lad, i wont go in to why but my family had already fell out with my wife but this was just another to add to the list of stressed as also this was fault of my wife's so this made the situation a hole lot worse and coursed me a lot more stress! In the end i ended up moving away again from my wife & children & found myself a new place to live, everyday to start off with was torture! Going From being with my kids & kissing my children every night before they went to bed and sleeping next to my wife for 14 years to being alone was very hard to take if it wasn't enough what ild been through yet again added upset, I was still working full time through all of this still, my jobs very stressful and physical and i was still trying to get back with my wife! I was getting more and more down as the days went on but tried to stay strong!
A lot more stress and upset come and i was still everyday asking my wife not to throw away the 14 years going deep i to the past bringing a lot off Memories up and making me more & more upset and the rejection come as the days passed! One thing i couldn't get at the time was she still wanted to be in my company and spend time together basically this give me false hope only to get rejected and knocked down again Every time i asked for another try, i couldn't put my finger on why she was doing this, the only thing i could think of is using me for emotional purpose because she didn't ask for anything materialistic like money or anything.

At this point i was an emotional wreck! Going day to day upset feeling Lonley feeling like a lost soul! I missed my kids dearly and wanted my family and wife back and wanted to move on and forget all what was happening!
Thats when i decided to try pick myself up! Enough was enough of sulking around and i started going boxing and the gym every morning and sometimes evening, my diet had already changed dramatically! I wasnt eating much and only drank water, i was pretty much living on water & protien as in eggs and chicken! - all this i had never done before i was always never confident enough to go a gym never mind walk in to a mixed martial art studio and start to do boxing, i enjoyed it that much i went every day! I was working still and i was still asking my wife to try again and let's move on! I lost 3 stone and become really fit & in shape. I started to feel good about myself and even treated myself to a new sports car, this is where it started going down hill even more.....

My wife come to me not long after (she says its because she realised she had made a mistake & loved me not because i was looking fit ang good 8-) )

IShe asked me for another chance and i love her so much stil snd wanted my family again l i said ok, only i had already met another girl not long before that & i had had a one night stand with her that i regret only days before i got back with my wife! - i hated the experience that much as soon as this girl left i rang my sister explaining i had made the biggest mistake of my life as i still love my wife dearly'!!!
....
So that all behind us we decided to both try again which ment again the stress of moving house and arranging for the other 2 properties we had to be "given back"
I carried on going boxing and pretty much kept to my not eating much diet!
Heres were it gets really bad for me....

We was only in our new home a week - i was happiest ive been for months!! I had my kids, wife , a new car, a holiday booked & we had both agreed to put the past behind us, i know she is honestly sorry for what she done and still to this day she tells me they were nothing but work friends, , i honestly ont care no more as im just happy to have what i wanted back ...but just So much upset, emotion, stress, rejection and heart ache i thought i had coped well with it when out of no where i had a panick attack!
I went all that week feeling like my memory was short term, i had no awareness , no emotion other than worry what was wrong with me! I had everything there was! I even went to the extent of telling my wife about this girl and she might of given me a STD!!! 8-(
She didn't take it lightly but i guess i cant blame her for that,
I had blood tests i was in and out if the Drs every day & sometimes night! In the end i was diagnosed with major anxiety!! I was given diazepam to witch i took for 4 days and it seem to settle down and went away. for 2.5 weeks, i felt 100% again then for some reason my dr gave me some anti depressants. As soon as i took them within 4 days my anxiety was back but back worse! Ive had suicidal moments, ive had to battle my own thoughts and mind! Ive told my wife to leave me & take the kids as im afraid im not good enough for them and my life is over! Ive had to be signed off work and i feel like my career is at risk! Its hard financially! Every day is like living in a nightmare!! My memory is pretty much no existent, i feel like im missing out on my kids lives and i just feel stuck!
Hopeless! And my life is falling apart infront of me. Im worried im stuck like this im worried il never enjoy another holiday with my children and im worried my wife will get fed up with me crying, being upset, and leave me again. I honestly dont blame her if she did! I love her and my kids so much i dont want them to live with me the way i feel. 8-(

I have days where i feel ok, i have days where i find the things i usually get excited about and do i cant even think about, i have days where all i wona do is cry, i have days where my memory , reactions, awareness isnt as bad then i have days where i feel like everythin is going 1000 miles an hour! Im trying to stay positive! Im fighting it every day as i feel like im only living per day rather than tomorrow or the weekend. Its torture! It feels like ive left my body and ive gone and i feel soulless. I feel i have no love feelings towards my wife although in my mind i know i love her with all my heart!
Im managing to get up and out the house and im trying to carry on the best i can i just want to feel normal and get that happy feeling back in my stomach again and enjoy life with my children! Ive worked so hard to get to where i was at, i had everything anyone could ask for and now it feels like its all washing away in front of me!

Im awaiting an appointment to see a Councilor, im not currently taking no medication other than the odd diazepam although i try not to i try to fight it and stay positive just sometimes it gets to much for me and i feel im losing it!

....i said it would be long! 8-)
This is the first time ive spoke about it all i already feel a little better just sharing my story and the daily struggle.

Thanks for reading it and i appreciate any help and advice.

[xrachykinsx]

Hey, sounds like one hell of a ride! If the antidepressants you were given were SSRI type then it's not uncommon for them to of increased anxiety in first few weeks- which is cruel considering you try them to make you better. It sounds asthough you will benefit from some kind of talking therapy. You've had a lot of recent stress and everyone has their limit for how much they can take.

Welcome to the forum though :) This place has been so helpful for me when I've not been feeling great. Fab support from members. I hope you'll find it as useful as I have xx

[Jebdog]

Hi Ollie,

You've been through a roller coaster recently by the sounds of it. Anxiety is a beast that we fuel. The more you give it fuel the more it'll hang around.

Given the tough time you've been through recently, don't beat yourself up about not feeling right some days. But don't over-analyse it either. You've been through a tough time, it's OK to feel off. Just focus on doing something whether that be DIY, reading with kids, going for a jog, reading the news, etc.

Take some time to read this thread - http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=146296 and this which I think is excellent - http://nothingworks.weebly.com (written by someone on this board) hopefully both will be very helpful.

Therapy is a good route to seek, if you decide to re-explore medication just remember the initial weeks of an anti-depressant can be tough. Diazepam is no long term solution unfortunately (can be additive).

Take care,
Jeb.

[Ollie28]

Many thanks for your replies. Its been a very tough time indeed. I was told by my doctor that basically my anxiety would of set in early but because what i was going through and putting my body through i was pretty much running on adrenaline for a good while which would explain that some mornings altho i was was not happy i woke up bouncing & excited. Once we got back together and things settled my adrenaline wore off and then i was the anxiety.
I do feel ive come a long way since considering where i was at a few week ago - it was scary to think i was considering suicide something i would never even think about. The anti depressants i was given was sertraline 50mg. I just wish i hadnt started taking them i could still be getting on with my life.
I wanted to return to work tomorrow as the financial worry is adding to the pressure but altho i feel a lot better my dr has refused to let me go back.

Im really looking forward to seeing the Councilor & talking to someone, ive always been a open person.

[xrachykinsx]

You really do have to look at progress as a whole. I have days where I feel awful and on them days its easy to get panicked that I'm going backwards or not getting better but its only when I compare myself to a few months ago that I see the progress. I too am on the list for talking therapies, heaven knows how long the list is though. I'm a very chatty person and I think I thrive on social environments xx

[Oosh]

Good god mate, that sounds horrendous.

Good move going off and getting in shape. I recommended that to a mate a while back. He`d been dumped by a gf he was into. I told him, go and get on with it, look good, do well and let her see you have value. Its paradoxically the best chance of getting her back. If she sees you`re doing well, she may decide she`s made a mistake and want you back. If she doesnt, you`ve got on with your life.

You cant train on just chicken and eggs and water though lol !
Your brain needs some carbs to make serotonin.
Serotonin keeps you calm.
Low serotonin may have made you vulnerable to your episode.

Thats what it was, an episode.
Its over now, now look forward.
Think about that value you gave yourself when you left.
List again daily why you have value NOT why you dont.
Youre a gas engineer, you have a great career.
Youre fit and in shape.
You must be reasonably attractive to have attracted your wife and that other girl.
Youre clearly intelligent, i can see that by your post.
and so on ...

Youve got value mate, youre a catch.
If your mrs loses interest, its her loss, its you who`s the catch.
Relax, all the negative chatters not real. Just let it pass through and say "oh get stuffed".

Youre a great dad, your kids will always love you.
Youre a great bloke and have a bright future in front of you.

Only look forward now.

Like your doctor says, rest for now. Fill your head with positive thoughts and plans.

Get your nutrition right. Things might be depleted.

Get a change of scenery if you can.

You changed from a normal state to an anxious state. You can therefore change from an anxious state to a normal state again. As long as you dont grab hold of it and give it more meaning than it deserves. Forget it. Look forward.

I envy you mate. My dad was a gas fitter. Great business to be in.

[Ollie28]

Oosh - a massive thanks for your positive and kind post, when i read your post it almost instantly made me smile & feel a whole lot better. Ive struggled to think positive but after reading your reply mate it made me feel great if only for a while but it just goes to show how positive thinking helps. Ive actually taken a picture of your post & put it on my screen saver on my phone! Anything that helps!

Hi Rach, my progress from the start to now has been a real struggle but im getting there. Im feel im still lacking my awareness and my memory seems to off still i find myself thinking hard about things to remember rather than just being aware of it, my awareness and memory is usually very very good i can often remember places or things by things as simple as what trees look like or what the roads look like! Strange i know! 8-)
But now just For example If i was to take my children to school im usually relaxed and automatically aware of them without any having to think, altho i know there at school i find myself having to think harder, im told this is Normal stress related symptoms. Im finding that i have one or two set backs but my thoughts seem a bit more forward thinking. Having the children dosnt help because im kind of panicking to get my life on track quick also for them - which really just adds more pressure i suppose. My wait for the Councilor/therapy could be a long one altho my doctor is chasing it up as he isn't happy - he personally picked this company after a big seminar and on the fact they rate themselves very highly - im the first person he has sent to them and there making me wait! Haha, hes not happy.

[xrachykinsx]

It just takes time :) When we've suffered so much stress and upset...it can't be fixed instantly...but we will all get there sometime! Its funny I mentioned waiting lists...literally just had a letter asking me to book my first appointment with the wellbeing team....better not get too excited...I've probably got to book my appointment for sometime next year! Haha xx

[Ollie28]

One thing also i am finding is im really really tired, ive just woken from a 2 hour sleep because my children were due home otherwise i could of slept for the rest of the day, this isnt normal for me. Im worried - is this just my bodies way of catching up after all the stress and upset and its way to heal or its way of hiding myself away from the world, i was reluctant to sleep at first encase its down to depression but was so tired i had to go sleep.
Ive all this week off so I'm basically going to relax and if i need sleep just sleep (if thats a good idea?) ive stopped going the gym the last month too im maybe thinking as i lost interest in everything so im thinking of trying again to see if that helps lift my mood.
Ive never been one to sit around as my job is very active so when im off work im still usualy doing something. Now i feel like everything is hard work but im trying to get out of that frame of mind because personally thats not me nor how i usually think.

[xrachykinsx]

Deffo start the gym again. Exercise helps. I have a cross trainer at home and I do a workout when I feel a bit anxious. As for sleeping, don't anaylse it too much. You were just tired and that's fine.Only concern yourself if you start doing it constantly! Its okay to be tired n worn down from stress. Be kind to yourself xx

[Ollie28]

...Thats great news! Please if you dont mind let me know how you get on!! - when my chance cds Ive a lot to get off my chest, i just hope they have a comfy chair and some tissues to hand! Haha.

[aprilmoon]

Can I book a comfy chair and some tissues as well please? :D
I think they've lost my application years ago:shrug:

[xrachykinsx]

Aww April...chase it up hun! That's ridiculous! Ollie...I've got loads I could rant about too.. The counsellor will be sick of me quite quickly! :p xx

[Oosh]

haha brilliant, thanks Ollie28.

Dont over do it at the gym. Do 10 or 20% under what you feel you can do so you leave feeling you could do more instead of leaving fatigued and feeling tired in the hours/days following. Getting tired can lead you to have a negative outlook again.

[Ollie28]

Il be letting it all out me i dont care! Lol, ive always been open about my emotions & feelings and always feel better if theres something bothering me to open up and let it out,
Keep us posted Rach. Have a nice evening x

[Ollie28]

Cheers mate i definitely will do for now & again honestly thanks again fts helped me through today and is still continuing to i cant thank you enough tbh!

Just wanted to add Ive been trying to analyse and understand and try to work out my anxiety the best way i can and how my anxiety is coming about. I now know theres is so many routes ive been looking down to figure out why i am the way i am, of course ive gone through mental hell in terms of a lot of emotional stress, a lot of feeling down & upset, a lot of tension & anger, ive felt rejection, i felt not good enough for my kids & my wife at the time, i think i went through every emotion there is for a few month solid physically & emotionally & i know the brain and body can only take so much.

Im now thinking that my anxiety is coming from worrying about my partner going back to work (shes herself been off since this all started) or is it in the back of my mind possibly the worrying thought iof maybe one day going through all that upset again? - even tho i know i would never put myself in that situation again its still a worry,
or is it the thought of her returning to work working in the same place as this lad again, even tho i do trust her & he knows to stay away from her. (He would be silly to even try again)
One that worries me is if its the any of the above how do i get around this? I know ive been hurt so much but i do still love her and want to be with her to the extent i feel i cant live without her in general as we've been together for so long, yet i cant carry on feeling like i do! Lol, ive herd the phrase - woman cant live with them but you cant live without them. Ha.

I know only i can decide the above.

Or is it non of them, im just ill, im i just anxious about the worry of getting anxious. I find the least you know about anxiety the least you worry & the least you will get anxious.

When i was treated the first time i didnt understand anxiety at all, so i was given diazepam and because i didnt understand it i took the diazepam and in my mind the "illness" had been treated and was gone and with me thinking like that i forgot all about it and just carried on without a single thought about it that was that 3 weeks i felt 100% me, it wasnt until the start of the 4th week i started anti depressants that i honestly didnt think i needed as i felt great, then the side effects brought back major anxiety. Then as the week went on and the more i looked in to anxiety the more i learnt & the more i thought about it the more i get anxious, the hard part of anxiety is not getting anxious about anxious. Ive had one day in the lasts 2 month where all day i didnt think about my anxiety i took my kids out for a day and all day without even trying ii was forward concentrated thinking, at the end of the day without even noticing i felt great back to normal as i felt - it wasnt until i realised i wasnt thinkin about being anxious the anxiousness started to set back in and down i then went.
Im naturally a worrier anyway. I hope that all makes sense. Im still coming to terms with anxiety and my feelings change day to day. I feel stronger now more positive and a little more under control with my thoughts.

Just wanted to share that. You prob already all know this but its good to share thoughts. 8-)

[aprilmoon]

Hi Ollie,
Its true about keeping yourself busy and distracted,it really helps.
Trouble is I can exhaust myself keeping busy and distracted!
Its better than that alternative though