Trying hard to end my cycle of anxiety

[chuchu]

I think I have been anxious all my life but not realised it. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs shouting goodnight to my parents and them replying, going to bed and then repeating. As a child I panicked if left alone in the car thinking I was being left or something had happened. After divorcing 13years ago I began to have severe attacks of panic. My ex had informed my two daughters that it wouldnt be long before I was put into a psychiatric ward like my mother. He had abused me both mentally and physically for 22 years I thought I was worthless and no good to anyone.

Without going into too long a story my eldest daughter recently announced her engagement and I went into an anxiety attack thinking about how I was going to deal with everything. Nobody had done anything to me to make me think I was going to be overlooked but I started to get anxious and my doctor put me on 20mg citalopram (I had had 5 yrs of no attacks using citalopram and like an idiot I took myself slowly off and until the announcement of the engagement had done well) this worked well and I started to come back to normal me and then I invited my ex and his partner, my daughter and her fiance and the inlaws to be for dinner.

Everything went well on the evening everybody got on but my ex did mention his vast wealth, religion and politics.

I received lovely texts thanking me for making a wonderful dinner.

The next day I was exhausted slept all day and THEN I woke up on the Sunday trembling, retching, crying, not being able to sit still the anxiety was horrendous.

I have now had the citalopram increased to 30mg and am waiting for CBT via NHS. It is four weeks now since upping the dose of citalopram, I am now able to walk my dogs, cook, do the laundry but I still have worrying thoughts but not as strong.

I have tried to get private CBT as I am still waiting for the NHS but as yet have had no luck, it appears that the whole world is getting help but me :weep:

[Oosh]

welcome to the site :]

Im glad to hear the citalopram is working again.

Contact MIND in your area. They should be able to offer you counselling.

Onwards and upwards. Your best years are ahead of you.

[Tanner40]

Chu Chu, sounds as if you are starting to do better. Good job on recognizing some of the triggers for your anxiety. There is a free online CBT course that you could use while you're waiting for the NHS. I use it and it has helped me a lot.
I also find that doing some sort of meditation/ breathing relaxation ode a day helps to calm me down and to center me.
Good luck and keep moving forward.

[xrachykinsx]

Hey, unfortunately, CBT is very high in demand...and is it any wonder? So many more people are suffering from anxiety and depression due to all the life stresses we all have. I have just been put on the list for talking therapies but my mum has been on that very list for 4months so far and still waiting. Xx

[chuchu]

thank you all for your words of encouragement I am not sure I would be able to handle the CBT online as I find it better to talk to someone it always makes me feel that bit better. Tomorrow I have to go to a seminar on anxiety and am actually dreading it but apparently it helps so I am willing to push myself to go.

What worries me (here we go) is that people are diagnosed with anxiety and then are left hanging around with all the stuff that goes with it and no help is provided in the interim period.

[xrachykinsx]

I get what you mean about having someone to talk to for support. I'm the same, I have read a couple of books on anxiety- and I think it helped me to see it from a logical viewpoint rather than just 'ahhh I'm scared, I don't like it' but think I will really benefit from talking therapy.

I am quite a chatty person so I really do enjoy other peoples company. I hate being lonely! The problem with anxiety is...it's all down to you to actually sort it, you can have all the support in the world but until you accept that it's not just like turning a switch then you remain frightened. It's taken me ages to get to where I am now, and I've done it on my own with a little help from mirtazapine. I fell into a cycle of thoughts surrounding the fact that 'I'm never going to get better', 'I'm going mad', 'I've got something other than anxiety' and just all these thoughts clouded my ability to see I was fine and was panicking about the future for no reason what so ever! I still have my down days, but I'm just starting to come out the other side now. I think the real breakthrough part to recovery was arranging things I would have normally done before I got anxiety, forcing myself to meet up with friends and putting myself in the situations that I was fearful of just because I thought I didn't deserve to do them, or that I wouldn't enjoy them because I was so anxious. It's no overnight success, but gradually I think my anxiety is residing because smiles or no smiles..I'm forcing myself to carry on xx

[chuchu]

It's strange really because all of us with anxiety worry about the outcome of things. We try to see so very far into the future and panic about an outcome that we don't even know about. I know the triggers to my anxiety and they are my two daughters who I feel I have failed and my ex who wanted me to disappear completely and when I came into contact with him because of my eldest daughter getting engaged the trigger clicked and now I am battling with what ifs!!!!