Everything is ruined

[MidnightCalm]

I don't seem to be getting any better.
I can do things but only when I've had a lot to drink, otherwise I can't leave the house, everyone says you can't use drink as it hinders recovery, but am I supposed to just never go out?
My partner is beginning to despise me, it all got too much for him living with me with me like this and he moved back into his parents, but we decided to work on us. But things keep happening that keep making us argue and it's driving me insane, it's always to do with my condition.
I stupidly got on a bus drunk (for the first time in 4 years) on sunday and went to the club he was at so surprise him. He didn't like the surprise, I'd "invaded his time with friends" and his friends don't like me either because of arguements we'd had in the past (me and him)
I'm trying to show I can do things, to show him I am committed and that I want to accept his friends and be a part of his life but now he's ignoring me.
it sounds petty but with my condition I'm just sat here in my house with nothing to look forward to, the days are so long and I must have text him about 20 times. I can't seem to stop. I hate having arguements over my head, it makes my anxiety terrible so I keep trying to make it stop. But I know people need space to breathe and think about things.
I have no friends, nobody i can vent to, and I obviously can't go out. It's terrible. I feel so trapped and insecure and like I'll never be good enough.
I worry that I'm just going to end up trapped here and alone after he has enough of my problems, but at the same time i knwo it's not healthy to be so needy, I just haven't had anybodhy else in my life for years :/ I am very reliant x

[flossie]

Have you contacted your GP yet and explained about your anxiety problems? This really is the first step to taking back control of your life. Your boyfriend cannot fix this for you. He can support and help you but you need the help of a professional who will be in a better position to understand what you are feeling. It is very difficult for our loved ones to begin to understand if they haven't experienced anything similar and we put a fairly hefty burden on their shoulders at times.
You know that alcohol isn't the answer and that it just makes your problems a whole lot worse.
If you need to talk and let out some of those intrusive thoughts then try phoning the Samaritans. It has already been suggested on your other thread to call Mind to ask if they have any help available to you. You need to take those first steps. We all know how scary it is to do so but you can do it, you can move forward from this. Recovery is a long hard road but so worth it. Take it one step at a time, that first step is to make a call or write a letter to your GP and ask for help.

[MidnightCalm]

I have contacted GP's, none of them will offer me a home visit or anything like that. I used to have a lot of contact with a gp at my previous address, but it got to the point where I was just on meds and they were checking on me and wasn't getting any better.
Right now I can't really contact anybody and I can't go anywhere. I don't see a way forward if the options are not there for me to take. I don't know what my gp could suggest, it's basically my personal life influencing my feelings. Obviously the agrophobia is belittling but I know all I need is someone to support me and help me because I find it impossibly hard to do on my own. Thank you for your advice.

[flossie]

I might appear to be hard on you now. Please bear in mind that I have been in your position and know how scary things are for you at the moment. It is not my intention to upset you but to try and help you look at things from a different angle.
Any meds that the GP gave you will not have made you better. They are a tool to help you manage your anxiety and help you to work on recovery. You have to do the work. You do have plenty of support, right here on this forum. That is why we are all here, to support each other. We know how difficult it is to face those things that trouble us the most, the triumph of just getting out the front door and coming back in, to go to the local shop or the post box.

I don't understand what you mean when you say that the agoraphobia is belittling. If you mean that you feel belittled because of agoraphobia then that is in your hands to change your way of thinking. Agoraphobia does not mean that you are weak or inadequate or have to be needy, whatever the labels you are putting on yourself. Being agoraphobic means that you are having difficulties. You can work through it to become a much better, stronger and powerful person. By powerful I mean taking control of your own life. Support to help you through it would be helpful but is not totally necessary. Ultimately there is only one person needed for recovery and that is the agoraphobic themselves. Remember that the anxiety and agoraphobia is only a small part of who you are. You are giving it your total attention at the moment so are feeling overwhelmed.

I am sure you already know that the only way to do this is to face your fears. This does not mean going straight to the supermarket or a ten mile hike. It means moving forward in tiny steps. How far can you go at the moment? Can you go out the front door at all? Without alcohol - you need to do this totally sober.

There are options for you to take. The real question is are you at a point yet when you are ready to take them? When that time does come then you have already been given suggestions on this forum.
Decide the help you want from your GP. Forget what has happened before. You can ask for a telephone consultation. Tell your GP that you are ready to work on your recovery and ask if there is any support available to you. CBT with a CPN visiting you at home might be suggested as might medication to help you whilst in recovery. Beta blockers can be helpful.
Contact your local Mind. They might offer a scheme where a 'buddy' comes to help you with getting out and about.
Contact No Panic, a charity that helps people like me and you to understand what we are going through and help us with recovery. Their office no. is 01952 680 460. The membership is £12 a year which will give you access to one to one therapy or group help over the phone. The helpline is 0800 138 8889. Most there are fellow sufferers so will not judge you. They give their time voluntarily as they know just how tough it is sometimes.
A good start is to get yourself a relaxation recording. No Panic sell a good CD at about £7. Others can be downloaded from here http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/help-information/podcasts/
Don't expect it to work straight away. Your body will be so tense and your mind racing that you will feel you are gaining no benefit. Stick with it and with time you will slowly give yourself permission to relax and slow your breathing.
Have you read through this?
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=91696
Many members have had great success following the programme.
So, several ways to help you are out there if you want to take them.

I stayed at home for well over 20 years because of agoraphobia so I really do know how it feels. However, my light bulb moment came when I realised that after all the years of saying that 'I can't go out.' I recognised that I could go out. The door hadn't been bricked up keeping me in. The difference was that I was choosing not to go out because I was frightened of how I would feel. I was responsible for the choices I made. I made choices how I reacted to others and situations around me. No-one else was responsible for me. I am responsible for me, my recovery and my own happiness.
Recovery is not easy, it means facing the things that you fear most but it can be done. Accept that going out the door will make you feel uncomfortable but do it anyway. You can do it but you have to give yourself the chance in the first place. Don't fear it, recovery is an adventure.

[MidnightCalm]

Thank you, it's nice to know that people here are there for me.
I'm going to try, but start small. I've got to points where I've gone out in the past but I've never felt comfortable about it, it always feels horrible. I'm glad I'm out but all the time I'm telling myself I just want to be at home. I always seem to go out and have a while where I manage and then I have a massive panic attack and find myself fighting for air with my heart racing and everything going a blur and I'm walking home as fast as I can barely able to make it.
I'm going to try and start small, I just wish I had somebody to give me a pat on the back or somebody to talk to about it afterwards or to empower me. i know that's probably still relying but I don't want to get better just to spend all of my time alone, I've never been one for just going out alone I find it so unenjoyable, but I want to get better so I can have friends and have amazing times.
I feel genuinely ill 90% of the time even at home, I'm exhausted, headachey, sore, appetite gone, so before I've even gone out I already feel too terrible to do it.
I have a lot of challenges but I'm going to try fighting with it and getting through it.