Feeling so scared! Anybody online right now?

[PITITA]

I feel so scared right now, I don't even know how to start explaining my feelings. I am sitting here by myself and for the last 3 or so hours I am struggling with the battle of thoughts going on in my head.
here is how it goes: I have a HUGE, no ENORMOUS fear that my anxiety is just the door to Schizophrenia. Im thinking right now, I have waited too long to left the anxiety untreated and engaged in this vicious cycle of constant worry that terrifies me, its sheer horror to me and I battle with it day by day. I understand that everybody feels like this from time to time, but I just don;t think I can ever convince myself that I am not seriously mentally ill. I feel extremely weak, because so many people are able to overcome this fear, I cannot shake it off:( I keep thinking that I am about to go through a psychosis and will be left with a mentall illness for the rest of my life like schizophrenia. I am so young and I wish I had the strength to not feel like this. I have a clear picture in my mind me talking back to the voices that will be talking to me, people avoiding me like the plauge, being doomed for the rest of my life!!! I feel like this is bad enough I don't want to go through more trials, if I turn into schizophrenic there will be no way out for me:( I am so startled right now that anything makes me jump. Im listening out to the voices although I DONT WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING, and I am not hearing them, but just that terrifying fear that I might just start hearing, or in fact its my impending doom.
I keep thinking I am so seriously mentally ill and I feel that Im left on my own to cope and I don't know how. I keep seeing a counsellor, but I just feel that she almost blames me for having this condition, apparently I AM the one that is not allowing myself to be happy...etc. so it almost feels like I am to blame, like as if there is no mercy :( Why is it soo hard to understand that I am not doing this on purpose , that its not me punishing myself and that I am so desperate.
I also feel so unlucky that I have got THIS kind of anxiety with all the mental symptoms rather then physical, because it just reinforces it deep down in me that schizophrenia is inevitable for me. I just feel that I am THE ONLY one anxiety sufferer who WILL actually turn schizophrenic from anxiety. I feel its in my genes and my way of thinking is soo faulty and confused, I feel everything, but balanced :(
How did I end up such a mess!!!!!!!
Is it worth asking I wonder if anybody can relate?:( It seems so much to me, that its only just me like this :(

"If you magnify your imperfections and minimize your good points, you're guaranteed to feel inferior. But the problem isn't YOU its- its the crazy lenses you are wearing! " Feeling Good handbook

[airwolf451]

hey check your inbox, im here for you and i have and do feel everything you are going through, your ok huni really i promise, many of us feel these things, and we so desperately dont want them,
your not going mad, though you are angry now, and want this to end, yet cantseem to find away out, but there i s i promise you that, and im here for you every step of the way, so check your inbox and lets get chatting

[stevie boy]

hi sorry you feel so bad and down but i dont think you can make yourself schizophrenic just by worrying its something your born with

stevie boy

[Alexocelix]

Hi there, you're not alone at the present moment at all. It's also my one worst fear and has manifested itself in lots of ways for me. I'm jumpy, constantly concentrating on everything I say or hear just to make sure it doesn't sound mad, if you get me. I sometimes sit there just listening to the world almost daring voices to come. It's horrible. The trouble is, I'm so agitated by it that I don't feel confident in my ability to recognize 'normal' stuff. Like I keep getting stupid songs stuck in my head and I wonder if that's Schizophrenia. I don't even know what the condtion actually is and how I would recognize it, that's what scares me.

[999madmax]

Hey there Hun,
Youre not alone on this site! were all friends and here to help if we can!
Everyday is another day and It will get better. I know you are feeling low at the moment but we can help you get through it and someday you will look back at the worse days and understand it is just a blip! LOL
Anxiety is a major thing and very hard to understand and cope with, but you will get better!!! LOOK at your better days and think I CAN GET THROUGH THIS!!!

Take Care

LOL
Madmax
-*-

[Piglet]

Well you were all having quite a late night last night - I should have got up and joined you!! I had the crappest night sleep ever, due to anxious dreams about not being able to protect my kids from perverts:(.

I still felt like it this morning and didn't want my youngest to walk to school alone - she's 15 and school is a 5 min walk away. Eventually I had to be really firm with myself and say 'enough' in the very sternest inner voice I possess.

Anita the reason I am telling you this little story is because everybody's outlet for anxiety is perculiar to them. Yours is the fear of schizophrenia (had to scoll down to see how to spell it - you should have seen my version [:I]) mine is embarassing myself in public, although my main one when I first had anxiety was that I may be a danger to my kids and the public!! (I told my ex this once and he said the only danger to the piglets and the public was my cooking [}:)]).

For anxiety to truly get a grip on us it has to be about what we fear most or it wouldn't be able to scare us so completely would it.

In time you will come to accept that anxiety does not lead to schizophrenia and once you have really begun to believe this you can find some new things to worry about - I have a very comprehensive list that I am gradually working through [Sigh...] Although I am on a firm mission to stop this sort of thinking because I think it may be giving me wrinkles [:O] and that would never do!!!

We will keep reassuring you mate everytime you need to hear it!!!

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[PITITA]

Thanks everyone for all the replies. I was exceptionally lucky that airwolf was online yesterday so he kept reassuring me last night witch was so comforting as I was feeling so crap, boo..
We talked about finding nemo and we figured we both love that cartoon sooo much :)
I went to sleep last night and woke up this morning feeling totally disconnected and wierd so although I know its bad I went straight back to sleep with the TV on to keep my company. I only have just woken recently...oops.

Nigel...Im sure you must have thought, oh its the histerical woman again...lol I know you have given me tons of advices I hope Im not letting you down by posting about feeling crap again.

Stevie boy and 999madmax...thanks for both of your replies. Stevie boy I wish I could believe you...sigh...according to the specialists its something that happens subconsciously in your mind when the real world around you is so horrible and unearable that your mind creates a new/different reality for you because you can't cope with the real problems...or something like that anyway. thats why I keep thinking that perhaps anxiety and the wierd symptoms will become so overwhelming to me, that my mind is just going to escape into "madness".

999madmax...I do hope its just a blip and one day i can look back and feel no anxiety creeping up on me on the thought of schziophrenia...thats like my dream.

Piglet...I soo understand your worries about perverts. Also I do understand how anxiety is different for each and every sufferer and manifests itself in various ways.
" In time you will come to accept that anxiety does not lead to schizohrenia and once you have really begun to believe this you can find some new things to worry about" - it has been 2 years that I constantly worry about the SAME thing over and over again, it does not seem to shift...lol But I agree with you that the answer to my problem lies in believing that I won't become schizophrenic, which is the hardest thing for me to do...sigh

Alexocelix....I understand copletely what you mean thats how I feel too, the only difference that I know schizophrenia too well, but find it hard to convince myself Im not schizophrenic. Its the constant battle in my head that really gets to me.

Thank you all so much for being so patient with me:)

Love and Peace Anitaxxx

"If you magnify your imperfections and minimize your good points, you're guaranteed to feel inferior. But the problem isn't YOU its- its the crazy lenses you are wearing! " Feeling Good handbook

[Piglet]

Don't worry about the 2 years part - I spent much longer than that focusing my terror on a mole on the back of my leg - eventually I had it removed (which I think my GP did solely for my reassurance) it was all fine and nothing funny - I wasted 2 years feel hot and faint with fear over that mole.

I am now figuring that this has got to stop - so I am trying!!!!

Big hugs hun - the going mad one is one of themost common fears - are you ready to choose another fear yet, then you're not being so common!!!

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[mili]

sorry your having a bad day i also have had a worrying day my fears are of being alone in the house on my own my husband is a shift worker and is on 12hour nights at the moment i am afraid like you feelings as though i am going mad been to counceller today, he says i have got to try and think positive that is why the feelings dont go away but its easy for them to talk i dont think they have experienced what we are going through.keep your chin up tomorrow is a new day.yesterday is history.tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift thats why its called the present.hope any of my rabble makes you feel better[8D]

l.m.bell

[mili]

sorry your having a bad day i also have had a worrying day my fears are of being alone in the house on my own my husband is a shift worker and is on 12hour nights at the moment i am afraid like you feelings as though i am going mad been to counceller today, he says i have got to try and think positive that is why the feelings dont go away but its easy for them to talk i dont think they have experienced what we are going through.keep your chin up tomorrow is a new day.yesterday is history.tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift thats why its called the present.hope any of my rabble makes you feel better[8D]

l.m.bell