hi to all members, from a newbie.

[DAREDEVIL78]

hi everyone, i am posting this thread as an intro about myself.

I am a 35 yr old male, married with 3 children(all girls), i have had depression and anxiety more so in the last 10 yrs of my life although when i was a child i remember doing repetitive things constantly which i now understand to be ocd, and i still have ocd.

My mother has had a life long history of depression and anxiety so i suppose i could have inherited a similar condition from her ???

After contending with the issues for so long i suppose the only positive of feeling like this is i have got to know myself and how this condition effects me on a daily basis, therefore i have learnt to try to self help myself.

The problem is one day i can have severe anxiety , the next depression then for some reason a positive clear day but the downside is i know the cycle will start again, these conditions cycle in an erratic sort of pattern.

I struggle to function to do anything ie work / homelife and have no energy although i sleep well ??

I cannot understand why at nearly 36 i feel like i do, the last 3-4 years have been the worst up to now, i have been on mirtazapine in the past and had cbt, i only take propranolol beta blockers to mask the anxiety effects but even at 160mgs a day i get some symptoms.

I recently went to my gp to explain that i am still struggling with this disorder and was prescribed citalopram but i am reluctant to use medication again (due to side effects), i have this thing at the back of my mind about being dependant on drugs to right my condition and would rather manage without but some days are too hard and i want to try this medication but feel utterly frustrated because id rather not.

I have family but no one knows about me living like this except my wife, i feel crap most of the time like i am a burden, i sometimes feel like the only way to cease this mental condition is if i wasn't alive, it seems the only thing that will stop it but i love my wife/kids and family too much and couldn't do that to them.

I will leave it here for now but thanks for any response.

[chuchu]

hi everyone, i am posting this thread as an intro about myself.

I am a 35 yr old male, married with 3 children(all girls), i have had depression and anxiety more so in the last 10 yrs of my life although when i was a child i remember doing repetitive things constantly which i now understand to be ocd, and i still have ocd.

My mother has had a life long history of depression and anxiety so i suppose i could have inherited a similar condition from her ???

After contending with the issues for so long i suppose the only positive of feeling like this is i have got to know myself and how this condition effects me on a daily basis, therefore i have learnt to try to self help myself.

The problem is one day i can have severe anxiety , the next depression then for some reason a positive clear day but the downside is i know the cycle will start again, these conditions cycle in an erratic sort of pattern.

I struggle to function to do anything ie work / homelife and have no energy although i sleep well ??

I cannot understand why at nearly 36 i feel like i do, the last 3-4 years have been the worst up to now, i have been on mirtazapine in the past and had cbt, i only take propranolol beta blockers to mask the anxiety effects but even at 160mgs a day i get some symptoms.

I recently went to my gp to explain that i am still struggling with this disorder and was prescribed citalopram but i am reluctant to use medication again (due to side effects), i have this thing at the back of my mind about being dependant on drugs to right my condition and would rather manage without but some days are too hard and i want to try this medication but feel utterly frustrated because id rather not.

I have family but no one knows about me living like this except my wife, i feel crap most of the time like i am a burden, i sometimes feel like the only way to cease this mental condition is if i wasn't alive, it seems the only thing that will stop it but i love my wife/kids and family too much and couldn't do that to them.

I will leave it here for now but thanks for any response.

Hi there

I have suffered from anxiety for most of my life if I think back and like you my mother suffered from depression and anxiety so I am beginning to think that there is a genetic tendency towards these things.

Stupidly I stopped taking citalopram last year but weaned myself off extremely slowly and I had 8 months with no problem whatsoever but then a trigger came into my life and oh boy I have never felt as anxious on any other occassion.

I started with 20mg and was upped 4 weeks ago to 30mg and this is what I want to say and it is only my feeling.

When a person needs tablets for high blood pressure they have those tablets for life.

When a person has a kidney transplant they take medications for life, knowing that to come off the many tablets means a very quick expiry date on their life.

Why is it that we who are suffering from anxiety seem to think that the worst thing to happen to us is to take a tablet maybe for life? If the citalopram helps with the symptoms of anxiety and I know it does and it helps keep the serotonin bobbing around then lets not be frightened of it maybe it is better to embrace it like other people embrace their meds.

Its only my own thought after having to go back on and thinking if I had stayed with the citalopram I wouldnt be as bad as I am now.

Citalopram is used for depression and anxiety it is okay to use it, it is not a sign of weakness it is there to help.

I hope this helped

[xrachykinsx]

Hey, Totally understand some of your struggles. I have the very same cycles you have been through. Its catch 22 sometime as my anxiety lifts but my mood is low or vice versa. I'm on 45mg mirtazapine and have to say I'm starting to feel 'normal' again. I've found this forum a godsend! Its really helped me; I hope it will be the same for you :) xx

[aprilmoon]

I totally agree chu chu,and hi daredevil
I think we do ourselves a great disservice by treating our meds like this
So much of what you say I can empathize with daredevil,you're not on your own with this,its awful,and I often wish that I had a different type of illness.
But it is exactly that,an illness,and I thank goodness that I have been born into a time in which these meds are available.
In an ideal world we wouldn't have to take them,but there it is,and when I see my husbands diabetic meds in the cupboard and in the fridge,I see them as no different to mine alongside,both meeting needs that our bodies naturally can't.
I hope sharing with others helps a bit daredevil, there's some lovely people on here.
I'm on a combo of mirtazapine and venlafaxine at the moment,after having one of the most persistent depressive episodes of my entire life.
There were times I didn't know if I'd make it,and I'm still struggling with the dosages,but I'll get there.
Please know you're not alone,however awful it seems,I tell myself that nothing lasts forever,even horrible things,and as you say,you've gained a lot of knowledge about yourself,so you can add that to your suit of armour.
I hope that some tiny bit of this helps.

[Sarahandduck]

I'm struggling like you daredevil I seem to just have the same thoughts of ending my life but it's more for what's going on in my head to stop and sleeping is great as it all goes away then. This morning was such a struggle for me I tried to jump out the window twice but my fiancé stopped me thank god he's here for me I'm just finding it so hard. I have someone from the crisis team coming to chat soon so that would be good.