What options do I have left? I see no way forward!

[Gotagetthroughthis]

I see no options left in this anxiety, depression clogged life. I cant think straight. I cant do anything anymore.

Where do I go from here, I have been on nearly every anti depressant, anti anxiety medication etc, I have had CBT, I have seen various counselors/therapists, I have read books, changed my diet, cut out gluten, cut out dairy, (I always eat healthily anyway) I have gone down the method of not doing anything at all about anxiety and accepting all symptoms and all anxiety and not reacting to it, this helped a tiny bit but even that does nothing now. I rarely if ever even come on here anymore as I've been trying to keep all anxiety reminders out of my life but it doesn't make 1 bit of difference anyway.

I spend 90% of my life in a daze, light headed, foggy headed feeling strange, the other 10% I spend feeling so physically and mentally ill I really wonder how I am alive, I feel so drained and weak, so disorientated, I cant think or function properly.

I don't even bother going to the doctors anymore, I don't see any point, I don't appear to be dying right now so they don't do anything and I don't think there's much they can do for me now anyway.

I have no goals, no ambition, no purpose, just a dark, grey tinted, gloomy world filled with dread.

Then sometimes I think, you know what, I have come a long way from a year ago, I have made progress, I have a job, I am back working just about, I am driving again, I am back going to the gym and playing football, I can manage to go out now and then with friends, im doing well, this is good.........But you know what, no it isnt fking good, I force myself to all of these things instead of being at home doing nothing but still my time is spent feeling like utter death, symptoms after symptoms, anxiety after anxiety but I continue and accept all of this as this is hopefully a way to get better, but no, nothing improves, month by month, year by year goes by and I do not feel any better.

So then you come to the stage where you think what is the point anymore, my options are continue with this struggle and get nowhere or kill myself. But then you remember that half the reason why your in this situation is because of health anxiety and a fear of death, so the killing yourself option is out the window. There is no escape from it.

This probably sounds like the most depressing thread ever so if you are in a bad way do not pay any attention to me because we are all different, you can get better and I wont give up Im just struggling badly.

I mean right now I don't feel very anxious, its kind of gone past that to not caring at all about anything, and for sure this feels better than doomy, dread, intense anxiety and feeling like your going to die.

Anyway just needed to offload as I have nothing else to do with my pathetic useless waste of oxygen life.

My brain is on the verge of giving in as it cannot cope anymore.

I guess im just looking for one ounce of hope or 1 suggestion that could trigger me to start going in the right direction and getting better. Right now I don't know where to go or what to do. I just feel as though I am forcing myself to do things and getting nowhere and it is pointless. Why am I even working or going to the gym, when I could just be lying in bed as neither make 1 bit of difference to my outlook on life, the first option just means my anxiety is a little higher.

I am one of the most selfish, nasty, angry people around so please don't feel sorry for me, clearly im doing enough of that myself even though I probably deserve all of this.

If you managed to read all of that gibberish then well done and thank you. Any suggestions and feedback would be appreciated.

[Worriedwellornot]

Hi there . I'm a fellow HA sufferer and can relate to your state of mind. However this week one inspirational story has been dominating the news and has really brought things home to me. The young 19 year old with terminal bowel cancer. However gloomy the prognosis for him has been he has remained uplifted and putting others first. I assume you are a young man. I have let my HA dominate my life for 30 years and for what? Excellent advice I have received from others on this forum has been unless you have been told you have cancer etc you haven't got it. It's Saturday evening so go and have a great evening with your mates and enjoy your life. I'm going out this evening and making the most of the fact I have NOT been given the awful diagnosis that Stephen has. Take care

[bulan]

Hi there . I'm a fellow HA sufferer and can relate to your state of mind. However this week one inspirational story has been dominating the news and has really brought things home to me. The young 19 year old with terminal bowel cancer. However gloomy the prognosis for him has been he has remained uplifted and putting others first. I assume you are a young man. I have let my HA dominate my life for 30 years and for what? Excellent advice I have received from others on this forum has been unless you have been told you have cancer etc you haven't got it. It's Saturday evening so go and have a great evening with your mates and enjoy your life. I'm going out this evening and making the most of the fact I have NOT been given the awful diagnosis that Stephen has. Take care

This reminds me of another story I saw in the news. It was of a young woman (in her 20s) with a cancerous brain tumor. She seemed to be in full command of herself and her emotions. Very level-headed, and--this is the part that surprised me--able to pick up a new post-diagnosis hobby: Painting.

They showed some of her paintings, which were beautiful, and I wondered how on earth she had the presence of mind to focus on her task, rather than fall apart with anxiety, as I would probably do.

So that, along with some of the same tips shared by Worriedwellornot, has given me the tiniest bit of courage to begin new projects that make me feel alive, that remind me what it was like to experience the joy of living.

Not sure if this helps at all, but I do hope you soon find the direction you're looking for.

[cattia]

I understand how you feel. I have felt this way myself. It sounds as though you are suffering from depression triggered by anxiety. When I have been depressed I found medication really worked for me but you do say you have tried that. I was lucky as I was prescribe Prozac and after taking it for four weeks my mood changed dramatically and I started to feel normal again. The other things that has helped me massively with my anxiety is self hypnosis and meditation. I use downloads from kindle store and you can also get them on iTunes. They have by no means cured my anxiety, but at the very least they give me half an hour a day while I am listening to them when I feel anxiety free and at peace. I wish you all the best Xx

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Thanks for the replys guys, not that they make any bit of difference.

Worriedwellornot - The guy with Bowel cancer, yes it is a very sad story and I feel for him and he has great courage and strength to be putting a brave face on and raising all this money for charity and good for him I don't think I could do what hes doing. I get what your trying to say and things could be worse for me but it is irrelevant to my situation.

I dont have what you would call typical "health anxiety" anymore, I dont spend all day worrying about my health, googling symptoms, checking everything about myself etc etc. I just spend my whole time with symptoms that make me feel so ill and make it hard to function normally. I don't even think what are these symptoms anymore, im just like oh its anxiety but that doesn't make a difference, they are still consistent and as strong as ever.

Cattia - Thanks, yea I have tried meditation etc, I forgot to add that to the list lol. It can help sometimes though so I will try get back at it again, its just lot of the time meditation is tuning in to your own body and mind while trying clear you mind and relax so its quite difficult if your feeling strange and ill as you don't want to focus on yourself even more.

Anyway there I go again throwing any advice back saying ive tried it, it wont work etc and being rude. Thanks anyway though guys.

[cattia]

That's how I felt too when I had depression. I actually stopped worrying about my symptoms because I didn't even really care any more what was wrong with me, I just hated that I felt so crap and ill every day. With the meditation I would go for guided visualizations rather than the ones that focus on the body. I have some great ones that take you on a journey to a beach or a relaxing place.

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Went to the doctors today, thought its worth a try as these episodes of feeling so unwell are so intense. For once the doctor didn't dismiss it all as anxiety. I showed her my Blood pressure readings which are very low and explained my symptoms.

She said she thinks there may be in issue with my brain not getting enough blood/oxygen due to slow heart rate and low blood pressure etc or she said she thinks I may be having some sort of high electrical activity in my brain, like a fit but not as severe.

So not really what I wanted to hear but at the same time I had suspicions about my low BP and heart rate causing my head symptoms and head pressure. I am to go back on Wednesday for her to properly examine me and the she will decide if she refers me to a cardiologist or neurologist.

[bulan]

I'm glad you're seeing progress! Feeling unwell is bad, but feeling that way and getting nowhere with the doctor is worse.

So, I'm glad to hear your news, and I hope this is the beginning of your road to recovery. :)

[Lilharry]

The Perfect Health Diet book was teh turning point for me if you're wanting to look at trying something different. You probably think you're eating healthy, as did I, but you're probably undernourished. Check out the book, it was the best move I ever made.

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Head feel extremely strange today, it does every day but today is worse. Its just never ending. My head feels like it needs a load of air let out of it and it would feel better at times.

Doc has referred me to cardiologist, but have to wait months for that and dont think it will have anything to do with that anyway.

I don't even get anxious about these symptoms anymore. I am just utterly fed up and depressed about not being able to live my life because of this.

[rtpu2004]

Hmmmm.

You sound like you've given it a red hot go regarding trying to overcome this.

I have a few thought provoking questions which sometimes help me get out of moments like these.

1. Have you really learned how to accept your anxiety?

Take me for example. I find myself answering "yes" to this question very often, yet I am bothered by the presence of anxiety in my life. I often don't fear the symptoms, but I do get really frustrated when they do not go away. So most of the time, I am yet to accept it. I believe without acceptance, I can't seem to move past it.

2. Are you just so used to being in such a state that you have become "comfortable" with it?

I know that when I am having a bad day, I often automatically slip into the thoughts you are having. It is just too easy to focus on everything that is going wrong in our lives. For me, this state just becomes the most comfortable thing in the world - because recovery can just be incredibly hard, it's easier to sit there and feel defeated.

My advice is to take small steps. I was watching Prozac Nation the other day (based on Elizabeth Wurtzel's book - a recommended read) and this particular quote really struck me and gave me some hope - "the same way i went down i came back up, gradually... and then suddenly". The road to recovery is a lengthy one. It's human nature to want an overnight fix. I encourage you to keep trying. Don't give up. We really do only get one chance at life, so give it your all. One day you will wake up feeling like your true self and reflect upon these days and think that at the time, they absolutely sucked, but all they did was make you stronger.

Best of luck! We are all in this together, while we may feel it, we are not alone.

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Thank you rtpu2004, I just woke up at 5am feeling extremely anxious an strange again and have just being trying to keep myself distracted and decided to look on here. Your post makes a lot of sense and is exactly what I needed right now. Thank you.

[rtpu2004]

No problem! I'm glad I could provide something for you. If you ever need a chat, feel free to inbox me :)

[Gotagetthroughthis]

:)

[ReneV]

Went to the doctors today, thought its worth a try as these episodes of feeling so unwell are so intense. For once the doctor didn't dismiss it all as anxiety. I showed her my Blood pressure readings which are very low and explained my symptoms.

She said she thinks there may be in issue with my brain not getting enough blood/oxygen due to slow heart rate and low blood pressure etc or she said she thinks I may be having some sort of high electrical activity in my brain, like a fit but not as severe.

So not really what I wanted to hear but at the same time I had suspicions about my low BP and heart rate causing my head symptoms and head pressure. I am to go back on Wednesday for her to properly examine me and the she will decide if she refers me to a cardiologist or neurologist.

Im interested in knowing some of the details of this, as i too have noticed for a few years that i have a slow heart rate and blood pressure readings which causes head symptoms like dizzyness, brain fog.
Is your pulse and bp low whilst being active ( in movement ) or whilst relaxing ( like sitting/lying down. )
Have you ever been diagnosed with high blood pressure and if so do you control it via medication.
Any ectopic heart beats or palpatations ( heavy lead heart beating ) whilst having low heart beats or low blood pressure?

Mine 80% of the time usually occur when lying down or sitting and ive noticed my symptoms appear when my blood pressure varies around 115/66 to 128/75 range, and my pulse can go down to 54-58bpm on those occasions.

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Im interested in knowing some of the details of this, as i too have noticed for a few years that i have a slow heart rate and blood pressure readings which causes head symptoms like dizzyness, brain fog.
Is your pulse and bp low whilst being active ( in movement ) or whilst relaxing ( like sitting/lying down. )
Have you ever been diagnosed with high blood pressure and if so do you control it via medication.
Any ectopic heart beats or palpatations ( heavy lead heart beating ) whilst having low heart beats or low blood pressure?

Mine 80% of the time usually occur when lying down or sitting and ive noticed my symptoms appear when my blood pressure varies around 115/66 to 128/75 range, and my pulse can go down to 54-58bpm on those occasions.

Hi, No I have never been diagnosed with high BP. And I dont think I really get ectopics or palps. I think my BP is low pretty much all of the time, I thinks its lower when lying down but its always low.

My heart rate often goes down to 40 - 42 BPM with BP usually around 100/50 and sometimes lower.

[tracieann]

Gotogetthroughthis I know where you are coming from its the constant fighting to get well or improve a bit that leaves you feeling like there's no hope I often get to feeling what you're feeling now where I couldn't give a shit about fighting anymore but also I can't kill myself either so what do I do I carry on not always because I want to but because there's bugger all else we can do honey when life gives you no other option just carry on because one time maybe one miraculous freakin time the answer maybe just round the corner we never know try to keep the faith even though it's the hardest thing ever sometimes people like me need people like you to keep us going xxxx