I can't fricking take this anymore

[Jonesle]

I'm sorry for the following rant, if anybody replies I'd be greatful although I'm not even sure what I need to hear.
If anybody follows or remembers any of my posts but I have severe anxiety over cancer, skin cancer in particular.
I just had an itch and on scratching realised it was a mole I was itching, I really can't remember if this one used to be raised or not as it wasn't one I originally worried about. On closer (close as possible as it's in an awkward place) perhaps I should have worried more about it. Or not. I'm seeing a costly dermatologist again Tuesday. I can't go on like this. My gp has put me on tablets for my anxiety, seeing her again in fortnight, and she's going to try get me into cbt but there's not much provision for it where I live.
I'm beside myself, I saw this stupid mole and now I can't stop crying. I've had enough of my moles, enough of my anxiety, enough of it ruining my life, enough of it constantly sat on my shoulder like one of them little devils you see in the cartoons, enough of being sat in this stupid chair shaking and worrying and crying.

[bulan]

This sounds exactly like what I'm going through, Jonesle.

A couple months ago I saw a distressing story in the news about melanoma, and that was enough to send me nearly into a panic. I felt terrified, I was trembling with fear, and asking my poor family members what I should do. And of course, they could only give me the usual answer. Go see a dermatologist.

That night I even asked my husband to photograph each of the moles that troubled me, with a ruler beside it so I could track any growth in them over the next little while. My heart raced the whole time he was doing this for me. He was incredibly supportive!

Anyway, I saw a dermatologist who told me that none of my moles caused her concern. But I wasn't satisfied with that, so I went back and told her I'd like them removed and tested anyway.

So she referred me to a general surgeon. During my consultation with him, he also checked the moles that worried me most, and said matter of factly that none were cancerous.

Both the dermatologist and general surgeon clarified that they couldn't guarantee 100% that no cancer was present, but they both felt there was no cause to worry.

And yet, given the way health anxiety makes the mind work, I can't help but wonder if I'm in the minority of individuals who's been misdiagnosed. You know how that is, right?

Then, just today, I saw a Naturopath about other issues, and just in passing she asked me if I've had my moles checked by a dermatologist.

And of course, I felt alarmed. Just the fact that she asked me this has caused an anxiety relapse. I'm trying to focus on other things, trying not to let my fear descend into that trembling, panicky phase again.

Somehow I'll have to collect myself and try to be functional and productive between now and my appointment this Wednesday when I get my moles removed, and then again especially until I hear the test results.

But it isn't easy. One thing I'm trying, in order to distract myself, is to remember what my passions and interests were before this anxiety overtook me. I've always enjoyed things like gardening in the spring, writing and connecting with other like-minded writers, chatting with my Grandparents and recording their memories, recording videos and making memories with my 21-month-old son who's also one of the brightest things in my life. :)

Maybe you could do the same... You know, make whatever doctor's appointments are necessary, and then focus the rest of the time on whatever makes you feel alive. Do you think it might work?

[Jonesle]

Thank you so much for your in depth reply.
I do try and get on with my usual joys, i was already worried about some other marks which is how I came to have this dermatology appointment anyway, my gp wouldn't refer me to one on the nhs (I'm in the uk) so I thought I'd just go ahead and go private which comes with a nice price tag.
Today I was feeling ok, went shopping with my friend and was feeling ok, the. Had the stupid itch and completely freaked out about it!
I definitely always see myself as the minority of the minority, ie, it's unlikely il have skin cancer anyway, and even more unlikely that even if I did have it, it would be misdiagnosed. But that's what anxiety does to you huh?
I guess at least I'm in a position where I can afford to see this private dermatologist, well, I can put it on my card which hasn't quite been maxed out by my anxiety yet lol.
I wish I could be rid of the anxiety, my mum keeps saying how she's tired, and all she thinks is "I'm tired which is normal given my age" if it were me I'd have diagnosed myself with weeks to live!