Hikaru
26-04-14, 23:55
So hi, you don't know me yet, but I can probably claim title as the worst Hypochondriac in the world. I've been to the hospital hundreds of times and called 911 more than that, I can't even count anymore. Medicaid probably hates me and it's a wonder they haven't kicked me off the insurance yet.
Normally I TRY to deal with it, go to the hospital, get reassurance, have that reassurance for a while, and just, yeah. But it never works for long. Logic? Doesn't work. I can't shut that looped thought process in the brain up that says "What if this is the one time you're right? What if? What if? You could die!" It NEVER shuts up. Medications of the past have not worked. Taking myself off caffeine 3 years ago helped a bit, I was a ticking time bomb then, and after I stopped drinking any or eating any, I got less of a ticking time bomb. But these passed two weeks, it's like EVERYTHING has regressed.
I can't do ANYTHING to calm myself down. And of course it's my number one health fear. Cerebral Aneurysms. The silent, and normally hard to detect killer.
I fear aneurysms so much I've probably had over 15 cat scans (my 16th I THINK was yesterday). Maybe more.. Yeah I'm in for brain cancer due to that probably.
So what happened this and last week?
It started on the 14th, the day of the Passover or for Jehovah's Witnesses, the Memorial. Early in the day I had dizziness and felt faintish like usual. So I of course called 911, they got there, checked my vitals, said its most likely not an aneurysm and I opted not to go to the hospital. Once I managed to calm down we went to the Memorial. While sitting there I was still kind of anxiety ridden, and kept moving my head and changing positions during the talk. All of a sudden I heard a loud pop in the left side of my head near my ear. Instantly panic flooded through me and I got up, went to the door and had one of the Elder Brothers call 911. Got taken to the hospital. They did nothing, said it was a panic attack, if it was an aneurysm I'd be dead already, the usual, sent me home.
Still freaked out, I demanded Dan (my boyfriend) to take me to the hospital in another town over to get a CT Scan since this one was now bias against me. After a fight about it he finally did. Went, got my CT Scan, everything normal, no aneurysm, thought I was reassured. This was the 15th. Thought everything was normal, hahaha, no >.<
Night of the 16th! We were going over to Dan's parents. Everything seemed fine, we were talking in the car. Suddenly it was like someone submerged my head into water, my ears blocked, Dan's talking became further and further away and it was hard to hear him, my head was on fire and in pressure, etc. It didn't go away till I opened the door while he was still driving and let the pressure out of the car. Ran into his parents house, freaked out and begged them to call 911, Went to the hospital. They of course again did NOTHING, said it wasn't an aneurysm, sent me home, told me to get a Neurologist.
Finally scheduled a Neurologist appointment on the 17th. But they won't have an opening till May 5th. Yeah, a long time to wait, either way I scheduled it. Thought that day would be normal. Near 10pm, I had an episode where I couldn't breathe, I was reading and suddenly it was like someone knocked the wind out of me and made me light headed, there was pressure in my chest, and I couldn't breathe to read the next word. Then had pain in chest to back region. Called 911, went to the hospital. Demanded a blood test even after the EKG was normal to rule out heart attack completely, and was finally diagnosed with GERD (Heartburn can cause breathlessness? News to me.)
Night of 18th Normal? Thought it was. We were near Dan's Grandparents in the car, just got Burger King and I was eating. Suddenly had weakness in the head, couldn't hold it up, and a headache. Went in, called 911, got taken to yet ANOTHER hospital. In the waiting room waiting to be seen, had an electrical shock sensation in my neck near the base of my head. Doctor gave me a Muscle Relaxer prescription and said it might be due to the Trapezius in my neck. (I have bad posture, to the point my C1 disc is pushing against my brains tem at times, and my neck is ALWAYS in pain and out of whack.)
Got through the 19th without a hospital visit. 20th - present, more headaches, more hospital trips. About 4 more added to that. PLUS two more CT scans. One regular, everything normal of course. OF COURSE you can't convince me because I've heard unruptured aneurysms don't show up on a regular non-contrast CT Scan. So my thinking is that okay, I was fine THAT day and it wasn't a stroke, but I could have had an unruptured aneurysm that ruptured TODAY that wasn't seen.
FINALLY a hospital took me seriously yesterday. They didn't give me the MRI I want, but they did a CT Angiogram. They said this could rule out small unruptured aneurysms and finally give me the reassurance I wanted. I was fine after that, thought I'd be great. Till I went to the internet.
I google imaged CTA scan images and saw that the images are hardly clearer than that of the regular non-contrast CT Scan images. It's the MRI/MRA images that are clearest. And I also googled if it could detect them, it says CT Scans miss aneurysms all the time, even CTA ones. So I'm back to where I started, no reassurance, panicked.
I got a closer Neurologist appointment from my PCP for Tuesday (29th) But I feel like any minute now I could have the worst headache of my life and bleed out and die, or silently bleed out and die, not survive, etc. I'm sitting here panicked in fear and will probably spend another night or few nights in the hospital.
Oh and before you say to stop reading the internet, I don't have to, I've memorized it all. And unlike other Hypochondriacs, I didn't just read symptoms. I read survival stories, how people went through aneurysms, how they felt, the symptoms they had, their entire journey, so I would know more and more of what to look for. The fact some lived days with one bleeding proving you don't always just die like the hospital loves to say when I say I think I have one.
....I'm going insane. What do I do? Is there a way to 100% rule this out or will I be like this forever?
Normally I TRY to deal with it, go to the hospital, get reassurance, have that reassurance for a while, and just, yeah. But it never works for long. Logic? Doesn't work. I can't shut that looped thought process in the brain up that says "What if this is the one time you're right? What if? What if? You could die!" It NEVER shuts up. Medications of the past have not worked. Taking myself off caffeine 3 years ago helped a bit, I was a ticking time bomb then, and after I stopped drinking any or eating any, I got less of a ticking time bomb. But these passed two weeks, it's like EVERYTHING has regressed.
I can't do ANYTHING to calm myself down. And of course it's my number one health fear. Cerebral Aneurysms. The silent, and normally hard to detect killer.
I fear aneurysms so much I've probably had over 15 cat scans (my 16th I THINK was yesterday). Maybe more.. Yeah I'm in for brain cancer due to that probably.
So what happened this and last week?
It started on the 14th, the day of the Passover or for Jehovah's Witnesses, the Memorial. Early in the day I had dizziness and felt faintish like usual. So I of course called 911, they got there, checked my vitals, said its most likely not an aneurysm and I opted not to go to the hospital. Once I managed to calm down we went to the Memorial. While sitting there I was still kind of anxiety ridden, and kept moving my head and changing positions during the talk. All of a sudden I heard a loud pop in the left side of my head near my ear. Instantly panic flooded through me and I got up, went to the door and had one of the Elder Brothers call 911. Got taken to the hospital. They did nothing, said it was a panic attack, if it was an aneurysm I'd be dead already, the usual, sent me home.
Still freaked out, I demanded Dan (my boyfriend) to take me to the hospital in another town over to get a CT Scan since this one was now bias against me. After a fight about it he finally did. Went, got my CT Scan, everything normal, no aneurysm, thought I was reassured. This was the 15th. Thought everything was normal, hahaha, no >.<
Night of the 16th! We were going over to Dan's parents. Everything seemed fine, we were talking in the car. Suddenly it was like someone submerged my head into water, my ears blocked, Dan's talking became further and further away and it was hard to hear him, my head was on fire and in pressure, etc. It didn't go away till I opened the door while he was still driving and let the pressure out of the car. Ran into his parents house, freaked out and begged them to call 911, Went to the hospital. They of course again did NOTHING, said it wasn't an aneurysm, sent me home, told me to get a Neurologist.
Finally scheduled a Neurologist appointment on the 17th. But they won't have an opening till May 5th. Yeah, a long time to wait, either way I scheduled it. Thought that day would be normal. Near 10pm, I had an episode where I couldn't breathe, I was reading and suddenly it was like someone knocked the wind out of me and made me light headed, there was pressure in my chest, and I couldn't breathe to read the next word. Then had pain in chest to back region. Called 911, went to the hospital. Demanded a blood test even after the EKG was normal to rule out heart attack completely, and was finally diagnosed with GERD (Heartburn can cause breathlessness? News to me.)
Night of 18th Normal? Thought it was. We were near Dan's Grandparents in the car, just got Burger King and I was eating. Suddenly had weakness in the head, couldn't hold it up, and a headache. Went in, called 911, got taken to yet ANOTHER hospital. In the waiting room waiting to be seen, had an electrical shock sensation in my neck near the base of my head. Doctor gave me a Muscle Relaxer prescription and said it might be due to the Trapezius in my neck. (I have bad posture, to the point my C1 disc is pushing against my brains tem at times, and my neck is ALWAYS in pain and out of whack.)
Got through the 19th without a hospital visit. 20th - present, more headaches, more hospital trips. About 4 more added to that. PLUS two more CT scans. One regular, everything normal of course. OF COURSE you can't convince me because I've heard unruptured aneurysms don't show up on a regular non-contrast CT Scan. So my thinking is that okay, I was fine THAT day and it wasn't a stroke, but I could have had an unruptured aneurysm that ruptured TODAY that wasn't seen.
FINALLY a hospital took me seriously yesterday. They didn't give me the MRI I want, but they did a CT Angiogram. They said this could rule out small unruptured aneurysms and finally give me the reassurance I wanted. I was fine after that, thought I'd be great. Till I went to the internet.
I google imaged CTA scan images and saw that the images are hardly clearer than that of the regular non-contrast CT Scan images. It's the MRI/MRA images that are clearest. And I also googled if it could detect them, it says CT Scans miss aneurysms all the time, even CTA ones. So I'm back to where I started, no reassurance, panicked.
I got a closer Neurologist appointment from my PCP for Tuesday (29th) But I feel like any minute now I could have the worst headache of my life and bleed out and die, or silently bleed out and die, not survive, etc. I'm sitting here panicked in fear and will probably spend another night or few nights in the hospital.
Oh and before you say to stop reading the internet, I don't have to, I've memorized it all. And unlike other Hypochondriacs, I didn't just read symptoms. I read survival stories, how people went through aneurysms, how they felt, the symptoms they had, their entire journey, so I would know more and more of what to look for. The fact some lived days with one bleeding proving you don't always just die like the hospital loves to say when I say I think I have one.
....I'm going insane. What do I do? Is there a way to 100% rule this out or will I be like this forever?