my intro

[stu31]

Hi everybody, I'm Stu.

I have probably lived with depression from a young age and not realised that what i'm going through all my life has been depression and anxiety. I have spent many years especially as I grow older feeling more and more of an outsider in social situations.

My story is a long one and don't particularly fancy writing up everything that has happened to me over 31 years, I hope that out of this I will be able to talk with other people about their experiences and what people have done to get out of a rut that destroys peoples lives.

At the tender age of three I lost my mother to cancer so I haven't exactly experienced happiness as a child, this in itself is very deceiving as I was experiencing depression but not realising that you have this problem for so long and having it embedded into your personality growing up I fear that I cannot be any other way and trying too hard to be accepted by people also results in an epic fail.

So without explaining everything that's happened to me will you fully understand the problems I face everyday now but I would rather just talk to anyone that wants to listen and hopefully create friends via this forum as I feel that although I have told my family I suffer with depression it is very often that I don't have anybody that truly understands me and can talk deeply about my troubles.

So thankyou for taking the time to read my intro and would very much like to talk soon

[ms lonely]

Hi im der if u need me

[caroline-j]

Hi Stu31, So sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum when you were such a young age. Like you I have suffered Anxiety since a child. Didnt realise this till I was diagnosed in my early 30's. Living with Anxiety is a living hell. How do you cope with your Depression/Anxiety? I try to exercise daily but really have to push myself some days. Especially after a bad night sleep. Hope to chat more. Take care x

[stu31]

Thank you both for your replies, I really find this quite hard because for so long I have been a very private person yet I know that this has done me no favours over the years.

Hi Caroline I have not dealt with my anxiety for so long, I really have to push myself to do things, just about 6 weeks ago I was at my lowest I had lost my job and had a relationship breakdown as well as a mental breakdown. My relationship had been a broken one for some time and was inevitable in the end but leaving my two little girls has been a very traumatic time ( I have moved about 260 miles away from them)

Since moving to Southampton things are changing for the better and it took me just over a week to get a job, the problems I have at the moment are being able to make new friends, being able to make small talk and hold a conversation with people I very often have anxiety attacks in social situations to the point that I will disappear in order to calm down, unfortunately my job as do most entails me to talk to people. I really struggle every day with these problems.

What sort of things bring on you're anxiety Caroline? x

[MRS STRESS ED]

Hello and welcome stu sorry to hear all that you have been threw ,its not supprising how your feeling thats the awful thing with this illness it isolates us as we simply cant cope with normal daily life ,I try my best everyday to put on my face and inside its like being in hell ,but I wont give in to stupid anxiety I going to beat it not the other way round hope you can to stu ,and your sure to meet lovely like minded people here xx

[caroline-j]

Hi Stu, as MRS STRESS ED has mentioned you have been through alot. Anxiety gets us in so many ways. I suffer from GAD and OCD. My anxiety can be a whole range of stuff. Its the physical symptoms of anxiety that I have trouble dealing with. Then that will start my HA off. What physical symptoms do you get if any? Ive just started taking a new med. Hopefully when it starts to kick in I will be feeling alot better. Are you on any meds? By the way well done in getting your new job. t.c x

[charmian]

Hi stu.

I have been suffering with depression since i was young too, although my family do not recognise it as depression. they tell me i will be ok. I recently moved back to Southampton to live with my mum after my partner who suffers with bipolar, threw me out of the house we shared in south wales. I have been here just over a month now. its not home to me, and i really stuggle to settle here. I managed to get transfered with my current company, so was only out of work for 2 weeks.

I did go and get registered at my drs, and she gave me a leaflet on counselling, it might not be what you want, but in case you want some information, its called steps 2 wellbeing, its a free service. You can even self refer if you want to. i have my first telephone appointment next week, and i'm a bit nervous.

I am here if you want a chat ok. I understand what you are going through. i had a terrible day yesterday and my depression really kicked in. i forgot to take my tablets, it was just a very bad day yesterday. xx

[stu31]

Hi charmian, its really hard moving away and it takes me quite a long time to make friends who I connect well with. I am living back with my dad and it is quite strange for me as I have been quite independent for around 9 years so feels a bit like taking a step backwards but I am happier here as I was in a very unhappy relationship to the point where I was completely trapped. I started the day yesterday probably more positive and energetically than I can remember and it continued well but towards the end of the day my depression also kicked in and I was only thinking negatively and also how much I am missing my kids and friends from Hull, when im not working I am generally in my own company and usually that's when things start getting worse for me, I have known for quite a while that a lot of what I think and do can make things worse.
I have had counselling in the past and in a way it helped me for a short period of time but didn't solve any underlying issues, I often think that I wouldn't know where to start sometimes as I have issues with social anxiety, depression from pretty much being a toddler and panic attacks, to be fair I thought I was fairly normal growing up but I really wasn't.

I'm here as well if you need me and its also helpful to know that you have similar circumstances. I hope today wasn't bad for you x

[charmian]

we are so similar. I left home at 25 to live with a partner and his daughter in Melton Mowbray, he promised me the world, and for a while i got everything i wanted, But he grew bored of me, and cheated on me, with one of his staff. Then i met this partner, and he is fantastic, but just going through a very bad time, and it hurts me that i cant be there to support him. i am 35 now, and back living at home with my mum and her husband, but i left 10 years ago, and have outgrown all the people i knew here, and dont actually want to be around them anymore.
I dont want be living here either, because i dont really get on with my mums husband, we havent spoken in 3 days. I think though when you do spend alott of time on your own, you do think things that maybe you shouldnt, and it is so lonely being by yourself. I spend all my evenings in my room. I have nowhere to go where i feel safe by myself. so i stay in. Its a very lonely existance. I have tried to have a positive day today, as it being a new day and the 1st of month, but i manager spoke to me today about things that happened, and it brought tears to my eyes. i think he knew that, but i tried to hold the tears back. Think it worked.
I cant begin to understand how much you must miss you kids, as i dont have any of my own. It must be very hard for you.
We can chat anytime you need to. I am always on here so dont worry. :)