hiv anxiety :'(

[mary12]

Hi, I'm a 25 year old female who (please don't judge) has 2 children and have been very very stupid and had unprotected sex with 4 men in the last 5 months every time I have been under the influence of alcohol and quite alot of it, I know this is not an excuse but being a single parent of 2 kids I find very hard and end up making the most stupid and selfish decisions when there dad has them I have finally thought enough is enough I'm a mum and I need to respect myself and them and stop being stupid and immature, I was last tester for hiv in December but everything came back fine yet I still didn't learn from my mistakes.. Then just found out the last man I slept with unprotected has been sleeping with sex workers he swears to me he has always worn protection with them but the last time he was tested was last year... I'm sick with worry, I hide my fear from my babies because I have to but its so hard and I find myself having to go to the bathroom and have a cry it's to overwhelming, I'm such an idiot, when Im sober I always make the right decisions, i.e. Not sleep with anyone without protection ect but when I'm stressed I find myself having a drink then boom I make the wrong decisions, I have stopped drinking now (never drink when have the kids) I suffer with health anxiety have done for years this is my latest worry yet for some reason I never learn!!! I'm getting tested again for the last 4 months because I'm afraid the last test back in December was to early to detect a positive and now I'm freaking out if it comes out positive I could have potentially infected 4 men with hiv and all because I wasn't mature enough to use protection!! And even if It comes back negative I still have to do another one after 6 weeks because of the man who slept with the sex workers.. My mind is in overdrive, can't sleep properly keep looking things up on Google and that isn't helping but I lliterally can't help it... They say the main symptoms if any are short flu like symptoms and it scares me beccause back in March I had a 2 day flu/bug and im scared that was the hiv given off a symptom because all my family had the bug but not the flu which I had with mine... Has anyone had the same worry?? I know ppl are probably going to judge me for my actions but right now I need help with this not nastiness whether they are right or not I know I have made mistakes I can't change them but definitely learn from them... Any helpful replies would be very much appreciated.. Thanks x

[Worried 24/7]

No judging here! I also have two little ones and understand how overwhelming it can be. And alcohol definitely has a big impact on that little voice in your head that tells you the right thing to do. Ihave had hiv worries lately but mine are from a closed mouth kiss which I know there has been no case of transmission that was documented, but I still can't shake it...I understand why you're worried under the circumstances. I can't tell you not to be, but the flu bug might have just hit you harder. I wouldn't worry because the rest of your family got sick too. And know that hiv is actually hard to catch. You can actually have sex with someone who has it and not get it! And there's a good chance none of those men even have it! But definitely get tested just in case. But know also that even IF you do have it, it's not necessarily a death sentence anymore. Life would go on. But my gut feeling is that you're probably fine.

[mary12]

Thankyou so much for replying, didn't think I would get a rreply because people probably think I only have myself yo blame which is true but I am so scared :( I constantly think about it and it's so hard not to but I have to get on with my mummy duties, the man who slept with the sex workers said that he had oral sex with them and so did we and I just can't shake the fact that I was so stupid.. The adviser at my local clinic said I can get tested 6 weeks after sexual contact with the man in question for it to a decent percentage to determine whether I have it or not...

[Worried 24/7]

Well just know that sex workers aren't even necessary diseased. They could sleep with tons of people but none of them had hiv, and then one person could sleep with another regular person who just happens to have it, and they might n ot even contact it! But in your case, just try to keep in mind that hiv isn't a highly contagious disease. You'd be more likely to catch something treatable.

[mary12]

I hope I haven't my babies mean the world to me and to know that I could have potentially given myself an early death sentence has really hit me and made me think no more of this immature behaviour, no more drinking and certainly no more degrading myself and I need to respect myself and my kids because they are the ones I worry most about with this, and also this is a bit selfish I know but who would want a relationship with me if I turned out to be positive.. Sorry to drag on jist so scared, it doesn't help that I have health anxiety and can't get an appointment with my therapist till the end of this month

[Worried 24/7]

Yeah, I understand. I hope you can find a way to relax until you can get your answers. I'm struggling today as well

[mary12]

Do you have any friends to talk to? Any family? Always here if you need to talk you have been very helpful :) and for bout 15 mins I didn't think about it because my daughter done her first wee on the potty.. Very proud mummy.. Thank god I have them x

[googler192]

Hey! Sorry to jump in on your conversation but i just wanted to say that, although im very sorry to hear that you are also struggling with HIV phobia/health anxiety it is reassuring to know that i'm not alone. I'm a student and i just broke it off with a guy that ive been with for 3 years and so i went on a bit of a bender weekend and slept with a friend of mine unprotected. I'm so so cross at myself and i don't know why i did it. It's been on my mind ever since and i can't help but have the feeling that he has HIV. I asked him and he said that if i thought that he's sleep with me knowing that he wasn't clear then i shouldnt be in his company which is totally true. He's given me no reason to believe that he has it but im still so scared. It's the thought of telling my parents that makes me feel sick. So much so that i consider what i'd have to do if i did test positive. It's totally my own fault because i shouldnt have slept with him unprotected but it just happened. I'm so scared and ive got a beautiful two week holiday coming up with my parents and im so mad that im going to be worrying the whole time. So i can completely sympathize with your situation. We're not alone in this!