New work position - expected to presentations & public speaking

[ItHurtsWhenIPvP]

I have temporarily taken over a new role at work whilst the Officer I am covering is taking on another project.

Part of this post is dealing with volunteers who live in the local area who volunteer their time to work alongside us in cleaning up the local environment, interacting with them and being their main point of contact which I was fretting about when I was first appointed in to the role, I got on with my work, albeit very awkwardly, and I am quite proud of my progress, as we know something that seems to come so easily to many is a mammoth task for those with anxiety. I still panic when the phone rings and I have been working here for nearly 7 years, also going in to other offices within the building scare me and I always come in early to carry out any tasks I need to in those offices without anyone around, like leaving an invoice on someone’s desk rather than walking in when everyone else is in the room.

I attended an evening reception for the volunteers which was held as a thank you for all their hard work, a few people spoke, I was there just to familiarise myself with the volunteers, I nearly has my first panic attack in 8 years, I had to go to the bathroom and hide away to calm myself down, it was hell for me, I struggled to near those that spoke to me and burned red and just felt I looked like an idiot.

The newest part of my temporary role is a schools programme, primarily standing up in front of a class of children and interacting with them over environmental issues. This is going to be launched at a large event where over 60 schools will be present, with multiple staff members from each, so an audience of well over 100.

I just know I will not be able to do it, I have not had a panic attack in nearly 8 years but still have severe anxiety issues, when my manager was just talking to me about the presentation I started getting teary eyes (so embarrassing) and my heart was thumping, I just know through and through I will not be able to stand up and address all these people, I can see myself getting up there shaking uncontrollably, going bright red, having a panic attack and bursting in to tears running off the stage, an embarrassment I really really do not wish to experience.

I get nervous and fluff up my words, burn red and get shaky when I have to raise an agenda item at our fortnightly team managers meeting and that is just in front of 8 people of all whom I have known for 5 years.

I just don’t know what to do, I know if I call my manager in for a private meeting and try to explain this to him I will start getting teary eyed straight away which will lead to full on crying which I do not what as I do not want to look weak and childish.

I do know all my colleagues must have an idea of my past issues as I have old self injury scars up my arms, I haven’t done that for 9 years and will never do it again, the thought makes me sick, I do not cover my scars as it is all part of who I am, so they have seen them.

I thought about visiting my doctors and discussing and maybe getting a note but I recently changed doctors a few years ago, my previous doctor I had been going to my whole life knows my history with mental illness, however my new doctor is an A-hole, I have seen him twice, each time he has been rude and dismissive to me, once I needed antibiotics as I had an infection after a tooth extraction he shouted at me for coming to him instead of the dentist, the second time I cricked my neck while getting ready for work, the pain was so bad I could not move my neck at all, again he shouted at me for coming to the doctors for such a thing and that I should just lay on the floor, then he answered a personal call whilst I was still in the examination them he just flung me some diazepam.

I just do not know what to do.

Any advice would really be welcome.

[Oosh]

Hiya

Number 1 LOSE THAT DOCTOR !

As soon as physically possible change doctors to a practice with a few doctors in so you are ensured of finding a sympathetic doctor.

Do you really think you are not going to be able to do it , even if your new doctor was to give you a one off anti anxiety med to calm you on the day ?
You really do need to have this discussion with a good sympathetic doctor.

If I was you and really had to do this I'd be straight to my doc asking for some temporary help in calming me down. It seems you can manage the other things you have to do. From what I know these ant anxiety meds are ok as long as they're not taken longterm.

If you really REALLY do not want to do this then you're may have to come clean and just say you can do this this and this but think this is going to be a bit beyond you.

And stop visualising failure ! :)
Not doing you any good !
If you're gonna do this you have got to create positive movies in your mind of it all going well. See a confident you, a you who people respect because it appears you don't care, you seem to find it so easy. They wish they could stand up there like you. Find that confidence in yourself to be that.
Visualise it.
Picture you've done it two thousand times and are so prepared and confident now.
Picture it going great. What does it look like ?

[ItHurtsWhenIPvP]

Hi Oosh,

Thank you for replying. I am going to change my Doctor after thank bank holiday, hopefully a will be able to find an understanding one.

I have been on a lot if different meds when I was younger, they didn't really help me plus I get nervous taking them because of the effect they may have, I get worried if I take diazepam for a work event I may go the other way and become too relaxed and saying something offensive or very inappropriate and mess up.

I read your reply yesterday and what you said about coming clean made sense as I would have to sooner or later, I pulled aside my line manger this morning and said to her I was going to send her a long email about issues I am having and to let her know I found it easier to write it all down, I sent it.

She was utterly understanding and said she has seen me progress with my social skills a lot since I took on my new role, she said not to worry and she will be speaking to our team manager next week to reevaluate this particular part if my work.

I felt so awkward, embarrassed and uncomfortable straight after hitting send but as soon as she replied with the above I felt such a huge release like a weight has been lifted!.

When I visualise myself at the moment unfortunately I just pictured things going bad, I find it comical to picture it going well as it just seems so ludicrous to me that I will ever be able to do it but I am not writing it off and know eventually if I want to progress further it will be something I have to conquer but for the moment I need to take things at my own pace.

Thank you very much for your advice.

[Oosh]

Hiya

Fantastic ! :D

Wow, you don't hang about do you ! I think it's brilliant that you've taken action so quickly. A lot of people would have dithered in agony for ages.

Many people would just feint at the thought of standing in front of an audience, it's not just you.

I can understand you not wanting to chance anxiety meds to get through it. Unfortunately I don't have any experience with them but I know people here do and could offer advice if you ever need it.

Now get rid of that Scrooge-like doctor you've got !
I think it sounds like you're achieving a lot despite your anxiety and having a good doctor to support you is certainly better than having that idiot.

I once heard a top athlete, think he was a rugby international, say "we never put our bodies were our minds haven't already been"
If you DO want to be able to stand in front of others like that in the future practice visualising it beforehand.
If you can't even visualise it going well it's unlikely to go well in reality.
Visualise it from start to finish and anticipate every event, thought, doubt etc and how you'll deal with it.

Or visualise turning around and running in the other direction like me :yesyes: