ItHurtsWhenIPvP
01-05-14, 16:13
I have temporarily taken over a new role at work whilst the Officer I am covering is taking on another project.
Part of this post is dealing with volunteers who live in the local area who volunteer their time to work alongside us in cleaning up the local environment, interacting with them and being their main point of contact which I was fretting about when I was first appointed in to the role, I got on with my work, albeit very awkwardly, and I am quite proud of my progress, as we know something that seems to come so easily to many is a mammoth task for those with anxiety. I still panic when the phone rings and I have been working here for nearly 7 years, also going in to other offices within the building scare me and I always come in early to carry out any tasks I need to in those offices without anyone around, like leaving an invoice on someone’s desk rather than walking in when everyone else is in the room.
I attended an evening reception for the volunteers which was held as a thank you for all their hard work, a few people spoke, I was there just to familiarise myself with the volunteers, I nearly has my first panic attack in 8 years, I had to go to the bathroom and hide away to calm myself down, it was hell for me, I struggled to near those that spoke to me and burned red and just felt I looked like an idiot.
The newest part of my temporary role is a schools programme, primarily standing up in front of a class of children and interacting with them over environmental issues. This is going to be launched at a large event where over 60 schools will be present, with multiple staff members from each, so an audience of well over 100.
I just know I will not be able to do it, I have not had a panic attack in nearly 8 years but still have severe anxiety issues, when my manager was just talking to me about the presentation I started getting teary eyes (so embarrassing) and my heart was thumping, I just know through and through I will not be able to stand up and address all these people, I can see myself getting up there shaking uncontrollably, going bright red, having a panic attack and bursting in to tears running off the stage, an embarrassment I really really do not wish to experience.
I get nervous and fluff up my words, burn red and get shaky when I have to raise an agenda item at our fortnightly team managers meeting and that is just in front of 8 people of all whom I have known for 5 years.
I just don’t know what to do, I know if I call my manager in for a private meeting and try to explain this to him I will start getting teary eyed straight away which will lead to full on crying which I do not what as I do not want to look weak and childish.
I do know all my colleagues must have an idea of my past issues as I have old self injury scars up my arms, I haven’t done that for 9 years and will never do it again, the thought makes me sick, I do not cover my scars as it is all part of who I am, so they have seen them.
I thought about visiting my doctors and discussing and maybe getting a note but I recently changed doctors a few years ago, my previous doctor I had been going to my whole life knows my history with mental illness, however my new doctor is an A-hole, I have seen him twice, each time he has been rude and dismissive to me, once I needed antibiotics as I had an infection after a tooth extraction he shouted at me for coming to him instead of the dentist, the second time I cricked my neck while getting ready for work, the pain was so bad I could not move my neck at all, again he shouted at me for coming to the doctors for such a thing and that I should just lay on the floor, then he answered a personal call whilst I was still in the examination them he just flung me some diazepam.
I just do not know what to do.
Any advice would really be welcome.
Part of this post is dealing with volunteers who live in the local area who volunteer their time to work alongside us in cleaning up the local environment, interacting with them and being their main point of contact which I was fretting about when I was first appointed in to the role, I got on with my work, albeit very awkwardly, and I am quite proud of my progress, as we know something that seems to come so easily to many is a mammoth task for those with anxiety. I still panic when the phone rings and I have been working here for nearly 7 years, also going in to other offices within the building scare me and I always come in early to carry out any tasks I need to in those offices without anyone around, like leaving an invoice on someone’s desk rather than walking in when everyone else is in the room.
I attended an evening reception for the volunteers which was held as a thank you for all their hard work, a few people spoke, I was there just to familiarise myself with the volunteers, I nearly has my first panic attack in 8 years, I had to go to the bathroom and hide away to calm myself down, it was hell for me, I struggled to near those that spoke to me and burned red and just felt I looked like an idiot.
The newest part of my temporary role is a schools programme, primarily standing up in front of a class of children and interacting with them over environmental issues. This is going to be launched at a large event where over 60 schools will be present, with multiple staff members from each, so an audience of well over 100.
I just know I will not be able to do it, I have not had a panic attack in nearly 8 years but still have severe anxiety issues, when my manager was just talking to me about the presentation I started getting teary eyes (so embarrassing) and my heart was thumping, I just know through and through I will not be able to stand up and address all these people, I can see myself getting up there shaking uncontrollably, going bright red, having a panic attack and bursting in to tears running off the stage, an embarrassment I really really do not wish to experience.
I get nervous and fluff up my words, burn red and get shaky when I have to raise an agenda item at our fortnightly team managers meeting and that is just in front of 8 people of all whom I have known for 5 years.
I just don’t know what to do, I know if I call my manager in for a private meeting and try to explain this to him I will start getting teary eyed straight away which will lead to full on crying which I do not what as I do not want to look weak and childish.
I do know all my colleagues must have an idea of my past issues as I have old self injury scars up my arms, I haven’t done that for 9 years and will never do it again, the thought makes me sick, I do not cover my scars as it is all part of who I am, so they have seen them.
I thought about visiting my doctors and discussing and maybe getting a note but I recently changed doctors a few years ago, my previous doctor I had been going to my whole life knows my history with mental illness, however my new doctor is an A-hole, I have seen him twice, each time he has been rude and dismissive to me, once I needed antibiotics as I had an infection after a tooth extraction he shouted at me for coming to him instead of the dentist, the second time I cricked my neck while getting ready for work, the pain was so bad I could not move my neck at all, again he shouted at me for coming to the doctors for such a thing and that I should just lay on the floor, then he answered a personal call whilst I was still in the examination them he just flung me some diazepam.
I just do not know what to do.
Any advice would really be welcome.