Is GAD fully responsible for all of this?

[emsk94]

I moved away to university in September last year and although I was repeatedly warned and advised against it, I decided to pursue a relationship with my flatmate. Although I feel things are awful at the moment, I do not regret it in the slightest and truly believe that things will improve in the future. However, he is a mature student studying Social Work, which I know in itself is a very demanding course and suffers from GAD. Previously, I had no experience with anxiety and was naive, simply believing he was just being overdramatic and overly sensitive but things have seemed to have spiralled out of control.

His lowest point was just before Christmas where he had been given antidepressants and was especially distant and closed, I felt that I did everything I could to help him through it and after a lovely christmas and new year spent with him and his family, I thought things were finally on the up and we had managed to get through the worst of it. Once we returned to uni in mid January, he split up with me and still to this day I don't have a specific reason or justification for it which leaves me angry and just simply bewildered that we had gone from happiness with everything seeming perfect with him even suggesting that we get our own place for the following year to what felt like my whole world crashing around me.

The problem is that it is now May and I am still absolutely besotted with him, I would do anything for him and as I have learnt more about GAD I truly want to help him get through it but at the same time I feel so much anger and pain towards him from what still feels like to me as a betrayal as he doesn't approve of my friends as they are "bad influences" and if I am so much seen as speaking to another male it is completely wrong of me as well (I brought my male friend back to my shared flat for a glass of water and rang him a taxi as he was drunk and I was called dirty).

I have started feeling like I am now the one with the issues as I am drinking more excessively with more severe consequences, I feel more reckless and self destructive in myself and just really impulsive all the time and I really have no idea why as it isn't through enjoyment. But I am aware, as I am going down this path it is heightening his anxiety because he still cares and "has hopes for us" but I just feel so lost and unsure of what to do. I feel so guilty as he accuses me of making him ill and stressed due to my lack of awareness and choices and me worrying him but I don't know how to stop or what to change or simply where to begin to get us out of this rut. Is it really me with the issues here? I'm honestly not sure any more but I am so in love with him and as much as I have tried to move on, there is just still a big part of me wanting/needing to hang in there.

Sorry that it is slightly long winded, but if anyone is in this situation or has any advice please feel free to share, I think an outside opinion is what I need right now.

[Oosh]

Hiya

I think it's important you can be yourself. It's all rose tinted glasses in the early stages. You overlook things you don't like about your partner because you are still feeling infatuated or for lots of other reasons.

But over time those things you have problems with become very important.

Now let's see if you have any of those things present in the early stages.

He doesn't like your friends.
He doesn't approve of the way you conduct yourself.
He calls you dirty if you bring a male friend home for a taxi.

Picture those things in ten years time, because he's unlikely to change.

Do NOT trick yourself into believing you will change him, you won't.

You are also you. And so you should be. The way you conduct yourself is you, it's what you want. You can't and shouldn't have to change. Who you are and what you're doing is fine. You're young and that's what you do.

I struggle to see what you find attractive about him if he's this disapproving of you.

Everyone can be nice for a while, but the real him is the one who has the issues about you. That's how he DOES feel.

I hope you're not becoming destructive to get his attention.
There's no point in going off the rails just for some scraps of sympathy from him.

The harsh truth about relationships is you DO genuinely have to be suitable, or they WILL break.

What is it you love about him ?
Do you want him for the right reasons ?
You don't sound lonely if you're going out with friends.
Or are you having trouble letting go because he is still in your life everyday.
Maybe you should put him out of your life so it's not in your face everyday.

Maybe put him down as a bit of relationship experience, nothing serious, accept it's not going to be forever and don't take it too seriously.

I think you need to look inside yourself for the real reasons you're infatuated with him.
Are those reasons forever or probably just for this situation ?

Have value for yourself. If he wants you he should be chasing you. If he's showing disapproval and rejecting you you should be saying he's not what YOU deserve and kicking him to the kerb.

Having value for yourself is what attracts.
I say go and have a good time. Feel good about yourself. If he misses you and comes creeping, MAYBE you'll listen.

Hard to give an opinion from here :]
Apologies if I've gotten it completely wrong.

[emsk94]

Thank you for your reply, I think you've hit the nail on the head, I think the reason I am struggling to move on is down to the fact I do have to see him almost every day and when things are going well, I suppose it gives me a glimmer of hope that we can get back to where we once were. Once my tenancy is over in July, I plan to move out and live with a relative so if he attempts to stay in touch I will have more control of letting him in and out of my life.

I think I have just become too bogged down in helping him with his issues and problems that I have forgotten to prioritise myself and my own thoughts and feelings which probably explains my self destructiveness.

As nice as it would be and as much as it hurts, expecting him to overcome his anxiety and potential jealousy is probably a bit of a fantasy.

[Oosh]

I think you might be right.

Cya blah blah. You know where I am if you ever need to get in touch.

Be nice, be friendly. Don't leave him thinking you are upset with him.
Then get on with your life. And it'll be a pleasant surprise if he makes the effort to get in touch one day won't it.