Is This A Anxiety/Depression Related Break Up‏?

[gtiboy]

Hi all, Just joined the forum not sure if this is the right place to post but would like advice on a relationship situation with someone suffering from anxiety.

I have dated this girl for a year. Everything was good, the perfect relationship. Never argued and always got on well. Tell me she loved me, misses me when I wasn't around, Say's she would be devastated if I ever left her, and always said she felt lucky to have me. She is 26 and I am 31.

Generally this girl is a big worrier, she worries and obsesses over everything. Over the past 2/3 months I noticed she began to increasingly feel down and depressed about a work situation, getting stressed out by work, not being able to get a new job due failed interviews and seeing her friends get promotions, also getting upset about her grandfather's failing health and being moved into an old peoples home. At the same time assuring me that it was nothing to do with me and the relationship was fine and she would never leave me. All this coincided with her leaving her family home outside London to move into London so she could be nearer to work/friends etc, in which she cried about leaving her mum.

About 1 and 1/2 months ago she suffered a anxiety/panic attack.. showing all the signs and symptoms.. breaking down instantly crying when meeting up with people. Feels down, feels worthless, doesn't feel like doing anything, loss of interest doing things she loved, loss of appetite, sitting in bed all day and having the feeling of anxiety. Acting very out of character. (Her family have a history of depression problems)

She went to the doctors where she was prescribed anti-anxiety tablets. While she went home to recover for a couple days , there began a two week period where although she rejoined work and started to hang out with people again, she became more distant with me didn't text me much at all, became cold towards me in her texts, very quiet. She told me did it to everyone not just me.

As the two weeks rolled by I asked her three times "Have I done something wrong, isit something to do with me or the relationship? she replied "no its nothing to do with you or the relationship and don't worry, it's to do with me".

The confusing part is that when we finally met up 2 weeks after she suffered the anxiety/panic attack, she told me she was unhappy with me and began to list things that quite frankly were very trivial and would not constitute a reason to breakup. She would question if we had things in common saying we were different, questioning the future of our relationship and silly things that annoyed her that would normally not bother her when she was happy. She told me to promise her 1 week of space and time to think about things. I said it's over isn't it, she said no it’s not over but needs space and time to think.

That same night after the talk she deleted our relationship status on Facebook and changed her profile picture of me and her together to just her - couldn't understand the reason for this if she said it wasn't over.

Two weeks later she finally got back to me and told me i'll always be important to her but she feels its best if she stays single for the moment and wants to be on her own, she said breaking up with me was nothing to do with her anxiety, just hasn't been happy for a while. I'm left very perplexed by this. None of this makes any of sense at all.

What i'm having trouble deciphering is, was anxiety/depression the cause for her to act like this or does this sound like someone that was just unhappy?

She denies ever having suffered from depression, but all her symptoms point to this. So are depression sufferers sometimes in denial that they may even suffer from this at all?

[wilsano]

This happened to me. I suffer with anxiety and depression and it honestly kicks the living s**t out you. I broke it twice with my girlfriend because I was so confused about how I felt. I felt like I could feel nothing. When I'm depressed or worried it's like my brain tells me to get rid of everything that means anything to me to try and stop it.

Not the best I know. My girlfriend broke up with me a couple of days ago and I realise now I have ruined it for myself. Give her space maybe she'll miss you and when she's out of the depression she will realise it. I suffered this when I'm depressed which I still am it's hard to notice any feeling and everything just seems to be terrible. I know one day I will break down in realisation if what's happened but for now all I can do is get better.

If you love her and show her that you're always here then no matter what she will see that you care and are not just another relationship that's failed. She will realise what has happened maybe soon maybe later.

When depressed I feel like I just want to be myself which in turn ruined my relationship because I started to blame her and it made me feel nothing when I know I love her so much.

[gtiboy]

Thanks for the reply. When you broke up with your girlfriend, how long was you apart in both instances before getting back together?

As I got in contact with my now ex girlfriend after 4 weeks apart (not sure if this was to soon), she told me that she's moved on, and that she's happier being on her own. That I have to accept that it's over between us.

Is this something that people say when under the influence of depression? As their thoughts and feelings are mixed up?

[wilsano]

For the first around a week and the second was around a month. I can say when i am really depressed i say things i don't mean and do things i wouldn't usually do. I turn into a totally different person. With my depression it's like i know what i want but my brain doesn't let me feel the feeling i should towards it which makes me run away.

It is hard and if the case is that she has moved on. Life goes on maybe one day she will come back to you if the break up wasn't hard and you never done anything to hurt her maybe she will realize that she should be with you.

I'm only 21 and i know that relationships come and go but getting over one is hard i'm dealing with it just now that's the only plus side with depression and anxiety, i feel nothing it's like i don't care but i know when i finally beat this i will probably have a massive break down. I have ruined and quit so many things in my life due to depression and whatever you do don't blame the depressed person for what they say or do because i can say from experience that it isn't really them speaking.

[Fishmanpa]

Depression is an ugly disease. I've dealt with it myself on a couple of occasions after bouts with serious illness but was able to walk out of the valley with treatment. Depression was a big contributing factor in the failing of my 1st marriage. My ex suffered from SSD that manifested into hoarding. It's very difficult to see someone you love go down in the spiral of depression. We tried counseling but she refused meds and eventually stopped going to therapy. That was the final straw.

In the years that followed I met and dated a few ladies that suffered from mental issues. I knew because I could see the signs and eventually the subject came up and things went South after that. Much the same as you experienced was a mirror of what I saw too. Eventually, my mental health radar was fine tuned enough to pick up the red flags early on and it stopped me from pursuing a relationship. I personally couldn't deal with it.

What you describe sounds like depression and anxiety. It would be best to let a sleeping dog lie and move on IMO. Allow her to have her space and hopefully she'll work on herself. In the mean time, heal yourself and learn from the experience.

I hope your heart mends quickly.

Positive thoughts

[gtiboy]

Thanks for the advice. So when people have a anxiety/panic attacks, is this the form of depression that's manifesting to the point where they can't hold all this in anymore?

Having never suffered from depression, I find it hard to comprehend why someone who suffers from it focuses on their loved ones, and why they look at their flaws and faults and why they want to get out of relationships?

What actually goes through the mind of a sufferer?

[aprilmoon]

Hi, I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy.
Its also an illness,just like anything else that can go wrong with your body,but because people can't see it,it makes it even harder.
The reason why those closest often get the backlash is a complex one.
It could be that they are seen as having unconditional love for you,so you don't have to hold back.Or the sufferer may feel guilt at what they're going through and take the frustration out on them. Lots of reasons.

[wilsano]

For me i tried to figure out why i felt this way and in doing so i started to blame my girlfriend. I knew it wasn't her but couldn't help but blame her which then made all my feelings for her vanish. I know i still love her but trying to feel these feeling when im always down and feeling hopeless about everything it is hard.

I also lost all my drive in my college work and in turn left due to it. Oh i was also a pro-youth football player since i was 13 and through out that time i battled with anxiety and depression which i didn't realize until this year. I was in the professional football scene up until my depression and anxiety totally ruined it for me and i found myself running away from that.

I find that when i feel this way i try and get rid of everything to see if it will ease my depression and anxiety. A kind of elimination process that i don't realize what's happening until i've lost it and i always then realize it wasn't the cause of my depression . To this day i still don't know the cause of my anxiety and depression.

It is also the hardest most weird sounding illness to try and explain to a non-sufferer what happens in your mind and the way it makes you feel emotionally, mentally and physically.

[gtiboy]

I find that when i feel this way i try and get rid of everything to see if it will ease my depression and anxiety. A kind of elimination process that i don't realize what's happening until i've lost it and i always then realize it wasn't the cause of my depression .

When you left your girlfriend due to this how did you feel initially? did you feel happier or relief thinking this will make you feel better?

As my ex say's she happier on her own, so wondering if this how someone with depression feels initially when trying to eliminate things from your life to make you feel better.

[wilsano]

In a sense i feel relief. I am totally indifferent. I feel like i have one less thing to worry about but i my mood is totally indifferent. Maybe she is experiencing relief. With depression i feel like i just need to be alone.

I think she felt she had to be alone which i also confused with having to leave the relationship to feel this way.

I also notice that i feel like i'm happy for a little while not because i'm out of the relationship but just because i have 1 less thing to worry about. It eventually hits you when you have time to think about it again.

I met up with my girlfriend for the first time in a week last night and she balled her eyes out and i found myself sitting there feeling empty and not able to shed one tear, Not one. When you feel like that you start to think 'Why?, why can't i cry or feel the love i once had?' That is what spirals into other doubts and questions and often causes you to destroy everything you had.

I think she is probably thinking she needs to be alone and now that she is alone she is probably feeling relief rather than happiness. I can honestly say i can't remember that last time i felt genuine happiness or enjoyment. Unless she has suddenly snapped out of her depression i can only imagine she may feel similar to me.

[gtiboy]

So really it's the indifference that makes you feel like you've moved on, but that's due to your state of mind.

Question is are your feelings for this girl still there just buried deep down? As your overwhelmed by depression and negative feelings?

What would you have done or said if you're girlfriend came back before you came back to her?

[wilsano]

It feels that way, it's being going in for so long you can't tell what is true and what's not. I had 2 chances and making it better and both time my depression killed it.

I want to be with this girl but the way my mind goes it makes me confuse myself between wanting to be with her and not.

I don't know what would say I've told her that it is not me it's my depression, it's very hard to understand if you've never experienced it, I know she doesn't understand and I know that she is scarred that it will happen again. I can't blame her.

I feel like I am in total shock after this break up I don't know what to do I feel like I'm in a dream state. That's what my depression does I can't make any decisions because I'm confused to what is true. I know that eventually I will realise but for now I just feel nothing at all.

[gtiboy]

What happens if the sufferer is in denial or lack of awareness about about being in depression?

Is this also common amongst sufferers?

[wilsano]

Well i never realized it was depression until i looked back and everything that has happened in my life since my early teens all started to add up. It is hard to notice if you have been feeling like that for such a long time. Look up some symptoms and maybe you will be able to spot some tell tell signs and if you come in contact with her let her know and just let her know you're there for her.