Please bear with me, I am so low/anxious

[happyone]

Hi,
Anyone who’s seen my posts before will know I go on a bit, so I apologize beforehand ( I apologize a lot too, I’m supposed to be trying to cut it down)
Like many others, I have been having ups and downs, and trying to get to grips with my anxiety/ depression.
For about the past week I have been going over and over and over the same stuff in my head but not getting anywhere. I have two days to doc appointment and I am worked up into a real state.

I don’t have a specific phobia, anxiety or one reason that I know of to be as I am.(too many blooming issues undealt with) My doc is understanding but CBT woman, I think, (supposed to be stopping the mind reading too- but that’s too difficult yet) reckons there is nothing wrong with me apart from a little stress. Every week, fortnight, three weeks (no regularity to appointments) she asks some questions, I give different answers. Last time we reckoned I had a problem with performance anxiety, time before with anger, time before with death etc etc. I am not lying to her, it is just that what freaks me out this week might not be what freaks me out next week. I just get scared of everything sometimes or I feel scared and I don’t know why, so because I’m scared without knowing, I avoid everything.
Then when I feel ok, I am ok with lots of things- but not all.

Are you lost yet? Cos I am. Sometimes I just want to run away and reinvent myself.
I call it ‘My Cape Wrath fantasy’ as I fantasize going there, alone, leaving worries and cares behind. Sounds like as remote a place as you can get.

I am so so tired as when I sleep I waken several times panicking then I end up getting up and pacing floor.

I’m not relating to my kids, hubby and I are living in the same house but poles apart, I’ve lost my friends bar one, my previous life seems to be slipping away. I want to cry but I feel it is all stuck inside. Sorry, I could go on forever (well, I kinda have haven’t I?????)

What am I asking? I don’t know. Kindred spirits? A bit of sense drummed into me? Just someone to listen I think. I’m just on tenterhooks waiting for hubby to get back from shops so I can escape. But I don’t know where to.

I’ve probably said this all before. To anyone who has given me advice before, I’m sorry, I tend to retain things for a short time. I do know I’m tired and need sleep. I just wish I could go to bed and tomorrow everything would be alright, not just for a day or so, but forever.

Sorry for going on.
Happyone

[Lizzie1975]

Hi Happyone,

Firstly please don't apologise for going on! Nothing to be sorry for!

I can relate to so much of what you're saying, i'm not good myself right now so have no great pearls of wisdom, but what I do know is that these feelings DO pass!

I soo know what you mean about being scared of everything but at times able to do a lot, it's really hard i know, but we have to keep at it. And as for wanting to run but not knowing where too, i emapathise totally, i'm well aquainted with this feeling but it's bloody useless cos, for me at least, there's no-where to run to?

Do you only see a CBT? I find my psychologist (or any talking therapy) really useful, infact i would go as far as saying i think he may have saved my life - certainly saved my mental health! I found CBT very usefull too but not for everything, not for the feelings that can't be explained without searching for and working through.

You're looking for a kindred spirit? - look no further;),

Lizzie X

[happyone]

Thanks so much Lizzie,
it helps just knowing that someone knows what you are talking about and to remind me that it does pass.
This morning I feel better, caught up on vital sleep, although had a cracker of a panic in the night...dreamt that this person that I know and don't care for much was sitting on my chest crushing my ribs with her knees and I couldn't escape....woke up to a panic attack! Don't think I'll ever be able to look this person in the same way again! lol!
anyway, doc offered me counselling which I turned down , so I got this CBT instead. CBT on the first week opened up a can of worms and I have had no further opportunity to discuuss/explore it as the meetings are so short and it seems to me that I am not supposed to be talking about the past anyway.
The maddening thing is, now I feel fine. later today I might feel as though my life as I know it has ended, then feel ok again!
Thank you so much Lizzie. It was nice to know someone could read my ramblings without switching off.
Any time I can do the same for you, I will!
happyone
x

[mooks]

happyone
i can so relate...sposed to be going back to wrok next week...but seem ok one day and not the other...im the same with cbt...i cant pin point my anxiety...it seems everything scares me...its like a roadrunner running through my head...anything goes...the state of fear consumes me and cant seem to stop it even though im really trying....
isaw my doc who wants to change my meds which has sent my anxiety in to overdrive...
i can so relate..its horrible...its like reality doesnt exist...i feel like im treading water most of the time...but we all know its our heads and negative thoughts doing this...but stopping them is v. hard coz for me i cant pinpoint them xxx