Scared of everybody. Am I destined to be a spinster? I already have the cat.

[xfilme]

Hello everyone,

thought Id write a quick post because Im feeling a little flat to be honest.

Ive suffered with social anxiety all my life but lately its worried me Im destined to spend my life alone. Im a 36 years old woman (though I feel more like a girl) and I havent even been on a date for 7 years now. Even then, my last relationship was only four months long so apart from that, ive been single for 12 years. Its getting a little depressing.

Im not unattractive and I dont have a horrible personality, Im just too fearful of meeting people. I have had three relationship. The first was for three years, the second for two years and the third for a year. I dont count the four month one because I dont think he ever really considered me his girlfriend. None of the relationships were all that great and they kinda bruised myself esteem. After my last short relationship in 2007, my mum passed away. I lost my confidence, and nothing has happened since.

I think because of all that, plus the fact I suffered from debilitating health anxiety for four years as a bereavement complication, I developed a chronic fear of failure. Due to my social anxiety, I have no close friends. I cannot meet a potential partner because Ive nobody to go out with. Even if I did see someone, I naturally presume they wouldnt want me so I dont even bother trying. Somethings got to give. I really am tired of being alone. I have tried using dating sites, but I am too scared messaging men because I believe Im not good enough and they wouldnt like me because Im an introvert, I dont drink and Im socially awkward, especially in new situations. Even if I do pluck up the courage to messsage someone and we seem to get on, Im too afraid to meet them because the idea fills me with dread, fear of rejection, and a fear on intimacy.

I didnt realise all of this was happening to me until it had already happened. Im at a loss knowing what to do. Ive tried therapy but that didnt help. Im not depressed, Im not even lonely (which is even more worrying), Im just tired of being by myself when Id like to have someone to be around.

Im concerned that I no longer see anyone Im attracted to? Whats that about? And no, its not confusion over my sexuality as I dont find men or women Im attracted to. I want to meet my prince charming, but where I live (in portsmouth) there only appears to be the opposite.... and I cant get out there to look in places where youd find differnt groups of men, because I feel to uncomfortable braving it alone.

Theres got to be someone else out there in the same boat that I can talk to. Its driving me nuts only having myself to help me find a solution.

Can anyone else relate?

[littlemrs]

:welcome:

Hi, I'm 35 and I can relate in many ways. I also suffer horribly with social anxiety and have no friends anymore. I am happily married and met my husband online ten years ago. I don't think I would have ever have met someone otherwise:blush:

Feel free to send me a private message if you want to chat some more :)

[xfilme]

I think I could have still met someone ten years ago, but at 36 with these problems? Im not so sure.

[captcha]

hi
Im male and a bit older but can definately relate, circumstances are similar, it can become a catch 22, talk if you feel the need!

[Fishmanpa]

I have to say I love the title...

"Scared of everybody. Am I destined to be a spinster? I already have the cat."

I read your post and there are some aspects that are quite encouraging actually. First off, you have only one cat. Spinsters and crazy cat ladies are closely related and typically have quite a few felines ;) 36 years old and one cat bodes well for you :) You're not pushing a shopping cart around and muttering to yourself so you're doing well in the crazy part too ;)

You state you're not depressed or lonely. Those are the most prevalent and common complaints/issues of people who've been single for any length of time. If I'm correct, you live in a fairly large city so that's a positive. Social aversion aside, if you really wanted to meet someone, you could, and as you're attractive and have a nice personality, it doesn't appear that would be an issue. I hear what you're saying but other than sounding a bit bored, you seem to be at peace with yourself. You've overcome some anxiety issues as well and quite honestly, you come across as quite aware of who you are. Your communication skills, more specifically your writing, indicates you possess the social skills if you wanted to use them.

Prior to meeting my fiance' I had been single for 10 years (I was 51 when I met her). I had 1 serious relationship during that time. I dated a bit for a few years after my divorce but wasn't really interested in anyone enough to get involved on a serious level. I had, like you, become quite content with myself and the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life. I too had a cat and to be honest, he was better company than most people I knew ~lol~ I don't have an issue socially and meeting people has never really been an issue. I'm a musician and quite comfortable in that aspect. Outside of that, I like my solitude. I certainly didn't expect what happened when I met my fiance' (we met on-line). It was just one of those things that worked from the first time we communicated and when I set eyes on her in person for the first time? I was quite smitten to say the least. I'm very blessed and she's the best thing that has ever happened to me :)

One way to overcome the social awkwardness you speak of is to consider joining a group that caters to your interests. A book club if you like reading, an outdoors group if you like hiking etc. There will be like minded individuals that share a common interest. No pressure and conversation would not be a struggle as you mostly speak about that interest.... just a thought.

Anyway... just wanted to let you know that what you speak of is not all that unusual. Don't let it get you down. Going into social situations without any expectations opens you up to being quite pleasantly surprised :)

Positive thoughts

[Cheesemonster13]

Hi xfilme

Check out the website for The Conservation Volunteers (TCV) and for The Hampshire & Isle of Wight Wildlife Trust - I didn't include links because I couldn't remember if you are allowed to on this site, sorry.

[shannabanna]

Hi xfilme,

I totally understand where you are coming from, Im in my early thirties too but certainly don't feel that old. In the past I have had a string of unhealthy relationships that have chipped away at my confidence. My trouble is that I go from one car crash situation to another almost in a desperate attempt to solve whatever issues I have going on.

Its difficult at this age when everyone else seems to be settling down with ' the one'...I don't know if you get the annoying comments from family as I do pretty much insinuating that there must be something wrong with you for not being attached.

Anyway from time to time I am terrified that I will become a spinster, I also own a cat! Lately I have made a conscious decision not to worry about that side of my life anymore...yes I do get lonely but I figure its better than settling for or putting myself through another horrible situation! Instead I am concentrating on looking after myself and it is starting to help me not to be fearful of the future.

You come across as a lovely person and I am certain that you wont remain a spinster, and being introvert is an attractive quality, not everyone wants someone overly confident.

Anyway I'm off to feed my cat:)

[HalfJack]

My mum didn't have a boyfriend for 20 years after leaving my dad, she never thought she'd meet anyone but she got married for the first time at the age of 43 to a lovely man who makes her crazy happy.

Having issues like these can make it seem harder but no matter who you are you need to find someone right for you. For people with anxiety etc that includes someone who will be supportive of your health. It's not too much to ask, it's what you deserve.

p.s cats are awesome!

[xfilme]

Youre all making me feel so much better. I really want to get out there, but I wont let myself for fear of it being horrible, and chipping away further at my self esteem.

[Cheesemonster13]

"I really want to get out there, but I wont let myself for fear of it being horrible, and chipping away further at my self esteem."

Don't worry, when you feel it's right time for you to do it, you will. :)

[Eamon]

Hi
I feel much the same. Worried i'll never be with someone and will never have a family. I even think the neighbours consider me odd for this now. At least there's a single girl upstairs so i am not alone in a street of couples. I want to go on dates but unless its outside in a park or outside i feel worried. At least its summertime now.
Its hard i know, hope helps maybe.

Best wishes

[Meewah]

You know what, Your situation makes you more attractive to Men not the opposite. It sounds to me you need someone who compliments your personalities. A man who really cares but can lead and build your confidence. What you see is very endearing to most men. I really don't feel you will have problems finding Mr Right if you just go out and mix.

Mee

[fduop]

I read your posts and I understand where you are coming from, I have a cat myself. I'm 51 and the social anxiety sorta crept in with the panic attacks. I discovered if I stayed at home the attacks lessoned. Even on medication I became more and more of a home body. My problem, which is really my solution, is that I have a wife and family.

Here's where I guess our situations differ, in that one of the things that "forces" me out is my family. But that wasn't always the case. It still takes a great deal of discomfort on my part to function socially. So maybe that's my story for you, try and take does doses of discomfort in small easy does, instead of great big ones.

As I go through my second battle with panic and anxiety, that causes me to hide. Try that and see how it goes. Move outside the comfort zone, if just for a short time. Allow yourself to discover it's not too bad out in the world. Best to you!