FESTIVE ADVICE NEEDED!!!

[kazzie]

Hi Everyone

Dont know whether I need advice or someone to tell me Im not a horrible person!!! Right here goes......

I have a cousin who lives a few miles from me, he is a chronic alchoholic, he admits this is the case but refuses to have any help stating he does not want to give up booze.

Over this last year he has been rude and abusive to my family, passed out in the street, been sick everywhere and peed himself at my house and even slept in the gutter outside my house one night.

He was taken to hospital in the summer and he has end stage liver disease but still he drinks, we decided that we would give him a choice to try and cut down his drinking or we would not take him out etc any more. He said he would rather have the booze than his family.

Since then we have stayed in touch with him but we no longer socialise with him or invite him to partys get togethers etc.

Well now xmas is here he has started going on about his cold turkey slices and frozen roast spuds etc to make me feel bad, and this morning he asked if he can spend xmas here!!! I said no because of his drinking and the nasty abusive person he becomes when he is plastered.

I just want to know if anyone has any ideas as I feel so guilty about it but I know he will spoil xmas if he comes here.

I have got him pressies which I will give him to open xmas day but I feel really bad now as I dont want him spoiling our xmas but hate the thought of him sat alone but dont see i have any choice

luv kaz x x x

[Ammeg]

heya kaz,
u r def not a horrible person hun!! This cousin put u through hell by the sound of it!! Wot would xmas day be like if he came to urs? thats wot u need to ask uself!!! U deserve a nice xmas.. with no worries accept that the turkey burns!!! lol!!!
Gemxxxx

[kazzie]

Thanks gem

luv kaz x x x

[Sue K with 5]

Hi Kazzie

My brother in law has done this to us for five years now, he too is an alcoholic, and also does various prescrived medication. Each year his family, thats my inlaws avoid him ( even though he is the older brother and son, and each year he comes to us requesting us to have him for christmas. Each year I have given in and allowed him to come for the day with strict rules that he is not to drink when he is in my house.

This he abides to only it means he is even more deppresive and oh god is it hard work.

This year i have said nooooooooo way. My children are now much older and i wont allow them to see that, but I dont feel like i am being horrid.

Cruel to be kind has to be used in this case, you are a wonderful caring person and it is that caring approach that is making you feel guilty. Please dont. he has to realise that he cannot expect people to accept his willingness to end his life like this and must see the damage it is doing to his family as well.

Hugs Kazzie AND dont worry he will be fine. Maybe a christmas alone might make him see things differently

Sue
xx

scknight

[yorkylover]

Hi Kazzie,you are not a horrible person.Alcoholics are very selfish,although it is an illness like anxiety.You gave him a choice and he chose the booze.Alcoholics have a way of making you feel very guilty.You will have an awful christmas if he comes to you drunk pet.
He is very ill and has still chosen the drink.No one can help him unless he wants to get of the drink.

Ellen XX

[jo61]

Kazzie, you have to look after yourself here - if he wants to drink let him do it at home with his frozen turkey breast. I know it sounds harsh but you're not doing him any favours by allowing him to ruin your day.



Jo

[kazzie]

Thanks Sue Ellen and Jo

You are all so right I know but I still feel bad but I have decided that I am not having another ruined xmas because of him.

Perhaps Xmas alone is the wake up call the bugger needs.

I really am not a nasty person I am having my sons mate here over Xmas (who I have never met) because he has no family.

Thank you all again

luv kaz x x x

[yorkylover]

That is so kind Kazzie,having someone for christmas who you have never met.You are a very special person,with a heart of gold.:)

Ellen XX

[ksmith]

Hi Kaz

'fraid if it was me I'd have to have him round!!! If he's in the end stages of liver disease it might be his last christmas and I couldn't stand the thought of that. But, I would make sure that he left pretty soon after lunch before he becomes too plastered and abusive.

In reality tho' Kaz, only you can answer the question of whether he should come round or not as only you know how you truly feel about the situation.

Kay x

[LockedShut]

I think you did well by turning him down... You have a family to protect, to care for, and to be blunt, no, he may not be around next Christmas but you have to think about the rest of your family, not just focus on one person.

Well done, love. Merry Christmas :)
xo

[kazzie]

Thanks guys

K he is pissed at 9am in the morning getting rid of him after lunch wont work!!! A ctually he drinks to top up!!!

Locked shut thanks for the advice and merry xmas to u too

luv kaz x x x

[jill]

Hi Kassie,

Ohh hun, please don't be to hard on yourself.

If you choose not to have him round this christmas, then stick to it, be firm with yourself, you are doing nothing wrong. I have dealt with a family memeber who was, yes was an chronic alchahokic and it can be soooooooooooo hard.. Your family member IS an adult, he is responsible for his own actions, if he does not want to help himself, all you can do, is try and get help for him, the rest is up to him. THEY HAVE TO WANT TO HELP THEN SELF.

The hardest thing with this is, I would say, is, your kdis, this was my problem, do you want your kids seeing things like this and my answer was NO, but, without going to much into detail, I had no choice, the family member was close, it was there nan, so I felt I had no choice.

Kaz, you are protecting your family,your kids, this IS a human instinct, nohting wrong with that.

The fact that you are posting it on here, tells me you are a kind and caring person, you want to help him, but want to protect your family at the same time.

Ohhhh hun, you can't do both, you are doing all you can for your family member, the fact you want to help says it all to me, but sometimes, you just can't. help, because the person does not want it.

Being addicted to the booze, I would say to people, you have to try and deal with someone, try and help, it is dame hard and my heart goes out to you. As a mother you go into a protective mode, you do not want your kids seeing things like this, they can be soooooooo horrible when high on booze and sooo many different personalitys. ( ohhh spell check)

You are doing the right thing Kaz, you are NOT a horrible person at all, in fact, the oppisite, kind and caring.

I know its hard for you hun, but there are no fast hard rules for dealing with this type of thing. Go with your gut, YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG.

LOVE JILLXX

[kazzie]

Hi its me again just having another whinge!!!:(:(

Having resolved not to see him at xmas i went over to see him today to drop his pressies off. His face is battered and bruised where he fell over pissed and he has gashed his hand open on a knife while pissed he was also pissed when i saw him. His flat stinks and is filthy.

Now i feel bad all over again but he wont let me help him GGGGRRRRRR......

luv kaz x x x:(

[Piglet]

<center>(((Kaz)))</center>

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[Dave777]

Kaz, you are a Saint mate, I lack the forgiving Christmas spirit I'm afraid. No drunkards in my house, shape up or ship out are my rules !

Miserable bu**er ain't I? ho ho ho

Dave :)

[groovygranny]

Hi kazzie!

You have offered, and kept, the peace as far as it depends on you. And you can do no more than that which you have already done. I was going to suggest that you go and see him, but you have already done that also. I think that, heartbreaking though it is, you have to let this go and release him to his own decisions foolish as they are. I believe it is then that your own peace will return.

I hope you and your family have a happy and peaceful Christmas, and that your cousin will come to see 'the light' as it were before it is too late.

lots of love

GG

xxx

[:P]

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

[kazzie]

Hi again

GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...........

Well his hamster died today!!! Had him on phone in floods of tears and telling me all about his birds eye turkey dinner he is having on xmas day!!
Now I feel bad all over again!!!

Anyone want a cousin???

Luv Kaz x x x

[Peru83]

Hi Kazzie,

I have to agree with the others and say that you are doing the right thing by not letting him come from christmas. But it's not enough saying that you are you have to believe you are. What exactly is it thats making you feel guilty? is it the fact he'll be on his own? Cause if thats the case I would say thats not a good enough reason to feel bad for him. He's going to be on his own because of the way he is, the only person he can blame is himself. He said that he would pick drink over his family!! You have to tell him to get his priority's straight! Has he been to seek any kind of help?? If he's in the last stages of liver desease he's going to have to do something!! If the guilt for xmas is that bad, do what sue suggested and tell him he's not allowed even a drop of alcohol, and no arguments, suppose you'll soon see what matters most to him.

My Partner lost both his parents through alcohol abuse, his mum was 39 and buried on her 40th birthday and his dad died 2 years later! They too were selfish and they made my man feel guilty and bad for soo many things that they shouldn't of but my man was always there for them at a drop of a hat ie his dad would phone at 6am to say he'd run out of tobacco and cider so would he get the shop at 7 and come up with it and take the the dog out for him! Even when we moved 20miles away the phone calls would come that he'd nothing in or needed help OR the best ones were that he wasn't well (when all that was wrong was he was too pissed) so ray would run to the rescue, or what he thought was the rescue and go to be with him. But despite ray's efforts to be there, his parents kept drinking and died! My man carry's this heavy guilt with him every day and it pains me to see him this way. Sometimes I wish more than anything for a time machine to go back then and give his parents a damn hard shake and say 'wake the **** up and help yourselfs', harsh I know but if only they had realised what they were doing, maybe if they had the right guidance, maybe we all failed them by letting them drink. It's all whatif's and coulda/shoulda's, you still have time to help you cousin.

Suppose what I'm trying to say in this rather long winded post is, Christmas aside, look at the bigger picture. Don't be faced with an ever bigger guilt of him not being here in a year or two. You quite clearly love him and are close with him, don't you have any influence with him? Would he not listen to you if you were to offer to get him help? He's got bruises from falling over in the street, he's even fell asleep in the street, now that one worries me as there were 3 cases here in dundee last xmas of people falling alseep outside drunk and died of hypothermia, one of which was an 18 year old girl, very sad [V].

I don't mean to upset you by this post or offend you and I appologise if I have. I suppose having seen what my partner has gone through I just wouldn't want anyone else to feel even a small percentage of what he does.

I really hope your cousin wakens up soon, for his sake and even yours.

Take Carexx

Claire




onwards and upwards

[kazzie]

Thank you claire xxx

It was kind of you to send such a long reply. I have tried to get him help and organised AA etc but he just wont follow it thru!! Both his parents and his grandfather died from alchohol abuse and he just wants to go the same way. I dont know why i feel guilty really cos im letting him live his life how he wants too. I cant do anymore for him

Thanks again luv kaz x x x