Do you like your therapist?

[monty]

Hello everyone, I've been away from NMP for a long time but would really appreciate some advice.

Brief history of me- I'm 24 and have suffered with panic attacks and agoraphobia for just over 10 years.

I've recently started seeing a new psychotherapist (privately, the NHS couldn't offer me what I needed), I've had 4 sessions so far. I've previously had bad experience with CBT so was relieved to find she doesn't use it and am interested in trying the other approaches she suggests- sensorimotor psychotherapy and EMDR. However, I don't really find the therapist herself very easy to get on with. She seems quite cold and insincere. I don't expect a friendship, I understand it must be a professional relationship but at the moment I feel that she's not someone I can open up to.

So I'm wondering, how important is it that you like and get on with your therapist? In my case she is very well respected by her peers and seems to know her field, so I'm reluctant to give up. On the other hand I wanted someone who I was able to talk to and trust, and it doesn't feel like she will be that person.

Any opinions or advice are very welcome. Thank you :-)

[swgrl09]

Being in school to become a therapist, the biggest thing we are taught is that the therapeutic relationship is THE most important factor in the success of therapy. So if you feel the fit isn't right with her, it isn't a bad idea to find somebody else. I'm not saying she won't be affective, but therapy with somebody who you feel you can open up and really be vulnerable with is much more affective.

[monty]

Thanks for your reply swgrl09 :-) I think I'm worried I won't find anyone better and because she's so highly thought of by other doctors it must just be me not trying hard enough... Has anyone had similar problems with present or past therapists? Thank you again, I really appreciate the input!

[blue moon]

I love my therapist,he is my husband :hugs:

[Edie]

Don't blame yourself for this, it's not your fault. She's probably an excellent therapist, but maybe just not quite the right fit for you. Like you say, you should not be looking for a friendship, but you do need to be able to work together on learning new skills to manage your illness. The relationship and ability to open up is vital, but really depends on the personality of both therapist and patient. In my opinion 4 sessions is probably enough to work out whether it's going to work for you, and sadly your search might still be on.

The best therapist I ever had was actually a student, so had not yet had the time to become a highly skilled or regarded therapist. But we just "clicked" and things have really turned around since then due to the skills she taught me.

[Moley]

Hi Monty,

I see a private therapist too. I think that you need to click with them for it to be able to work if you cannot talk to her and be open about everything then there is the possibility even if she is the best there is that she will not be able to help you put things right.
I personally feel that your therapist is someone who you can tell all too for them to be able to help you correctly. bare in mind tho that this is just my opinion and you need to do what feels right for yourself.

[monty]

Thank you blue moon, Edie and Moley.

I'm glad you found someone who helped you Edie. I've only ever found one therapist who I really clicked with- he practised EFT, and although I didn't find the tapping particuarly effective, just having someone to talk to who was understanding and could also make me laugh occasionally, made it much easier for me to cope during a dark time.

Having someone impartial, who is paid to listen to me complain, is hopefully going to help me, but I do need to find the right person to be able to be completely open and honest.

If anyone else would like to share their experience too I'd be very grateful :)

[Tessar]

I most certainly do. My counsellor is lovely. I spent alot of time going over the websites of counsellor's before choosing her. Also she does a sort of introductory session where you meet and can both decide if you want to go forward & work together.

Decades ago I had therapy & my therapist was recommended to me. As it happened, we "clicked" straight away. I considered myself lucky that we liked each other...... But perhaps looking back, she was recommended to me by a health professional who knew her well & therefore chose well on my behalf.

I suggest thinking about how you relate to other important people in your life & perhaps comparing this relationship to them. For instance, do you find it easy to relate to and trust others quickly?
Consider if your initial "gut feelings" about people right as a rule? is it variable?
can you recall occasions where you met someone that you really didn't gel with but then later you changed you opinion as you got to know them? Perhaps over time they did become a trusted friend or colleague & gradually you were able to lean on them or open up to them?

Also though think about people you trusted & opened up to easily right from the off... Is that the way the relationship stayed?

I find in my every day friendships or professional relationships.... things fluctuate. I was advised once by my therapist to remember that friendships don't go from A to Z overnight, it takes time to build them. I sometimes needed to exercise patience, to allow things to happen gradually.

It's a difficult one really. But also I would say that with my counsellor, who i am still seeing now, right from the off I found her lovely and charming & easy to talk to. after a few sessions though I began to wonder if she was being too nice. Unavoidably I found myself making comparisons in their styles.

My therapist was around my mother's age group. I instantly really liked her. she pushed me to challenge my fears. It was hard but she "re-mothered" me. I really wished she was my mother. i was so grateful for the attention, like it was a lifetime of emotional starvation suddenly being righted. If anything I liked her too much. I wondered if I was doing my homework and facing fears to "please her" rather than do it for myself.

Well, one day I told her I was in awe of her. I expected her to think that was wonderful ... instead she told me it made her uncomfortable. I was disappointed as I thought it was a huge compliment to her but I guess I was crossing the line. She was becoming too important to me. Anyway, we sorted it. I was able to rein myself in & adjust the balance of my feelings.

This experience helped me deal with my habit of being drawn to mother figures & getting too attached to people for my own good at times. This doesn't mean I can't have nice close friends because I do, i just need to keep a healthy a balance.

Anyway, I ramble. .... Back to the present day & my lovely counsellor. she is a similar age to me so more of a peer than a mother figure. At the outset I said I knew what to do to get better but I needed some support. She let me guide where I was going (as I kinda knew what to do).

After a few sessions I wondered why she wasnt challenging me? Pushing me? I though maybe she wasn't strong enough. a huge turning point came when I sensed she was really frustrated with me. As if I didn't know what I wanted & it was time to make my mind up. I didn't mention my observation but it set me thinking. Worst case scenario I thought she might ditch me so I decided to get my act together.

In the next session i explained how scared i was of showing my feelings (because I was laughed at & ridiculed as a child). Her words were "i would never laugh at you". At the time I had expected more from her, a lengthy overture perhaps which would make me feel "rescued". Often she reminded me we will go at my pace but I'd sit there thinking I want to deal with all this now, right now.

Looking back, I see that her style is different to that of my therapist. By instinct, she delivers a few, well chosen, words that plant the seeds of thought in my mind. In my earlier sessions I sat there expecting or hoping for more from her but those few, well chosen words have had a habit of coming back to me.

In my therapy I didn't cry a single tear. I was too scared even though I desperately wanted to. But now.... for my sanity I knew I needed to "let it all out". my counsellor ......who i had doubted was strong enough to help me..... coaxed me along & kept me focused enough (when my mind inevitably wandered) so I could explore my feelings & fears.

You see, I thought I needed more prodding & poking. That I needed a strong hand to get me back on the rails. Instead, her more reserved & gentle approach has reaped dividends. So there I was questioning her abilities at the outset but in fact she had the measure of me all along.

Something she observed early on is how I steer conversations away from my feelings. Mid-sentence, I inadvertently change the subject. I hadn't picked up on this at all but she is very adept at keeping me on track now. She makes me finish my sentences. She doesn't let me "get away" with it.

She has also helped me grow in stature. One week I mentioned how I am "just little old me" but she is important & i admire her. she said that this made her feel uncomfortable (just like the situation I had with my therapist). I said it was a compliment & I respect her skills. She suggested I think of myself as "bigger" & equal to others. Something else that had never occurred to me before.

I think what I am trying to express is that each therapist works differently.
The way we feel about them differs too & our feelings can fluctuate during therapy.

Perhaps the bond you need will develop over time, monty?
It's really hard to tell isn't it?

I will say though that for me, the bond has been crucial to my therapy working although at times.... I have been way too "into" my therapists for my own good. But in time I have been able to sort that out as well.

Hopefully my words will be useful in helping to resolve your quandary. You could bring the subject up with your therapist if you like? Were it to prove mutual, well its better to sort it now but don't think of this as a done deal..... perhaps they are busy trying to get the measure of you & you them?

Well.... Bye for now & I'd be interested to hear what you think of my experiences too :-)

---------- Post added at 18:33 ---------- Previous post was at 18:26 ----------

Oh, I meant to say that perhaps it's early days...
If you get to know them better, perhaps u will open up. Meanwhile.....

what do you feel stops you opening up?
Have they perhaps not asked the right questions?
Is there something in particular stopping you opening up?
is it that you need to feel attached to them for you to open your sole, to allow your sensitive side to be seen?
Perhaps like me, you fear rejection?
And again like me, you might be in awe of this wondrously skilful & highly recommended therapist?

My original therapist was highly revered. I have to say I wondered why on earth they'd bothered with lowly me? I told them I felt like a nuisance to them.
They said "nuisance is the last word I would use to describe you...... & I find your case intriguing & challenging".
I was amazed when they said that because I considered myself pretty darned dull really but there you go. She was busy fathoming it all out for me & I'd seen her as being bored by my situation.

Right, I ' m really off this time!!