In a bad place (again) - panic at guest in the house

[Elle-Kay]

As usual, I haven't been here for a while, because I've been doing really well at keeping on an even keel. I've even been doing things in my professional life that two years about would have been utterly unthinkable.

Unfortunately I've reached another busy period in my working life, which is upsetting my balance (there are a lot of events I need to do this month, which involve a lot of preparation, all on top of one another). I'm mid way through the first event today, and after a shaky start yesterday I actually had quite a calm and relaxed day (comparatively) today. However, we have a friend staying in the house with us tonight and tomorrow night, and I've just had to come through and shut myself in my bedroom because I could feel the panic rising, and once I got into bed (and found out that I can't get the channel I "need" to watch on my bedroom TV) it started peaking.

I've used the CBT4Panic programme in the past, and so I'm trying to tell myself that it's ok for this to happen - it's a one-off, it's a mistake, and it can't hurt me. It doesn't matter if I have to distract myself this time, as long as I don't stir the thoughts/feelings in my head. I feel so guilty though :( I feel guilty for being a bad host and leaving my friend alone (and even for wishing her not here!), I feel guilty for coming this far and letting myself down, and I feel guilty for being back on NMP when I'm feeling rough, but my husband is out, and I have no-one else to talk to.

I can't seem to stop the negative thoughts telling me that if I have a full-on panic attack in the night, I either won't be able to come down from it unless my friend leaves the house (even though I know this isn't true - this is still my home, and I'm still safe here no matter who is here), or I'll make a total fool of myself and embarrass everyone here by panicking with others around me. I just want to sleep through it, but if I lay down I'm afraid I'll panic.

My friend is staying tomorrow night too (going home on Friday lunchtime). I can't go through another evening like this :(

[robinhall]

Hi Elle Kay
You say you used CBT4PANIC in the past - so you may be just recalling the steps to take that will bring the panic down

Can I suggest that you open up the programme - or if you have printed it out or have the small booklet

and read through it - you know it's easy to read through quite quickly and the cartoons will remind you of the various principles and techniques

It is much wiser to do that than go over and over your fear of what 'might' happen

Focus on something that will give you a stronger sense of the reality of what panic is, what is escalating it, and how to bring it down in a less fearful way than total distraction

We spend so many years rehearsing the negative in our mind we often have to go over and over the CBT practice to counteract that. Old habits die hard as they say.

With regards your guilt - imagine what you would say to a friend of yours who was going through the same terrifying feelings - you would sympathise and empathise and tell her she has no need to feel guilty and that it's not her fault and so on

then tell yourself that in the same caring way - give yourself a mental 'hug' like you would to a friend who is feeling so low - you deserve some compassion right now - so you can give it to yourself! :-)

You didn't deliberately decide to feel panic - it is NOT your fault - you have done nothing wrong - it just happens - you are not to blame - nor are you to blame for finding it hard to deal with - ANYONE would feel the same way

Let up on yourself

then quickly read through books 1 and 2 and remind yourself what you can do to bring the level of anxiety down

You can do it - and sometimes you learn more from these situations so it can be a positive experience.

[swgrl09]

Remember, panic cannot hurt you. So what if you panic in your room? It will then pass and you will feel better. You can get through this :bighug1:

[Annie0904]

Oh I am sorry you are not feeling good :( How are you this morning? I have just posted because I am having a 'blip' and have got myself in a right state. What are we to do with ourselves? I guess we have to remind ourselves that it is just a blip (hard when you are feeling so bad). :hugs::hugs:

[Elle-Kay]

Thank-you everyone for your thoughts and support. My Internet has been down until just a few minutes ago (not exactly helpful for someone wanting to distract!), so I'm sorry I couldn't reply earlier.

I've not been too bad today - work has been a distraction, and a really nice cup of chamomile tea this afternoon has helped me relax. The thoughts about bedtime tonight have still been intrusive in 'quiet' periods during the day though, and I hope I can get off to sleep ok.

I'm sure this is just a blip for us Annie, and I'm going to re-read books 1 & 2 tonight as Robin suggested (thank-you Robin), which will both distract me and hopefully help me to rationalise how I'm feeling - I'm not in any real danger, it's just a mistake in response to how busy things are for me at the moment, and if I leave it alone, it will go away. It always has in the past, and it will this time too. Now... rinse and repeat!! :D

[Annie0904]

That is what I like so much about you..you can always see the positives even when there is a big blip :) You have been such an inspiration to me seeing how much you have achieved in this past year :)

[Elle-Kay]

Aww, what a kind thing to say, thank-you so much! :blush: :hugs:
I think we've both come a long way in the past year. In fact, instead of worrying about how bad we feel in this last few hours/days we should remember how great we've felt in all the other 300+ days in the last 12 months, and give ourselves a nice big pat on the back (and a bar of chocolate?) for it!

[Annie0904]

Good idea :) Especially the chocolate :)

[Elle-Kay]

So far, so good(ish) this evening - I had some tea (only a little, but it's something), sat down at the computer to do some more work (the joys of working for yourself), and had a chat with my friend about our days. She went in the shower, I worked a bit more, and now we're all in bed. I feel a bit edgy, but not too bad. I'm going to put a film on shortly and try to sleep.

[Annie0904]

I am pleased that last night was not so bad for you. Hopefully not having someone to stay tonight will help you to have a better day today.