View Full Version : I thought I could cope again but I can't :(
I thought I had learnt to deal with this and now feel such a fraud. I have been telling others it does get better, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Well I am stuck back in that tunnel again. I have been awake since 2 am panicking and can not stop shaking and crying. I can't go on like this any more. I can't control it any more and don't want to live like this.
Annie. I was in a similar position to you 2 months ago...I was back in the depths of depression unlike I've had for over 10 years.....today I'm going on holiday and am happy and excited....and I'm not even putting on a front!
Have a think, is there anything happening or happened recently that could have triggered this? What did you do in the past to climb out the hole? Do not feel shame or that you are a failure...I have seen how much support you offer on this forum to those in pain....maybe now its time we help you.
Set a time now that you will go to the doctor if you are still suffering...I said 2 weeks to myself and even though I didn't go to the doc I did pick up my cbt book and helped myself...you are not alone, and it isn't like last time because you have experience and support from here.
Do something nice for yourself today, and everyday...so you can look back on the positives rather than the negative
xx
Thank you Jacsta, I think maybe worrying about my hrt has triggered it and now worried that they are sending me for tests to rule out Ovarian Cancer. I have never considered myself as having health anxiety before though. I just feel like I can't cope with anything at all and have to somehow get myself to the doctors this morning (4 miles away) for blood tests.
Something I have learned to do is work through my worries....if there is something I can do about it, then do it...if there isn't then force the worry out..its hard, but worth working at.
Sorry to hear you are going through health worries....to be honest, most people cope better than they think when things like this happen, you have the strength, and it is extremely rarely that worse case scenario that we think its going to be.
I had to have some blood tests last week that take 2 weeks for results to come back....so I'll be away abroad when they return. I went through my worry process and have come to acceptance over the fact that there is nothing I can do about it for now so put it to the back of my mind until I come back.
Think of something right now, that you can do today to be kind to yourself....1 thing you enjoy...I think you deserve it
xx
I have had to phone the doctors and say I can't get there for the blood test. There is no way I can drive myself there in this state :( My rational head is saying all of this is down to hormones but my irrational one is winning at the moment :(
Aww bless you I am feeling yr pain I to am suffering I have been goi g down this dark tunnel for about four years now and I am at the worst of it right now I will pm you xxxx
NE21 worrier
08-05-14, 09:39
Hello Annie,
Sorry to hear you're in a bad way at the moment - but please take some advice from an online friend who you have helped greatly in the past.
The first thing I want to say is that you must realise that this is not an identical situation to last time. As Jacsta says, there is a good community on here who will support you during the bad days. More importantly, though, there is your own experience of having come out the depths of a tunnel not so long ago.
Remember some of the things you will have learned - that feelings of anxiety when there is uncertainty is normal - and that, if you do panic, it will come in a horrible wave but it will die down.
Finally, don't feel guilty of beat yourself up that this happened. And don't worry about the doctor's appointment. These things get rearranged all of the time and it would be better that you go when you are feeling more certain of yourself.
I'm sure you'll get back to where you have been soon enough. Regards,
Peter :hugs:
Hang in there Annie.
Its all about making that rational side more dominant and youre not a fraud because youve proved, with all your supportive posts, that your rational, calming, winning side is very dominant and very loud.
Youre going through hrt stuff, youve been ill and on antibiotics, so physiologically there are lots of reasons why anxiety might be able to win a bit more easily now. So now is the time to step back, just observe what you feel physiologically and keep that rational side loud and dominant and know that its temporary and everythings going to be ok.
Keep your doc updated all the way on how you feel. Get those hormones right. Get over that illness. Get back to normality.
Antibiotics destroy all the good gut flora in your stomach as well as everything else so get on a good probiotic after the course of antibiotics has finished)
bernie1977
08-05-14, 09:46
It's hard to think rationally when emotions take over. Remember this just a blip, you will get back to where you were before. You've done if before and you'll do it again because you're
SUPER ANNIE :D:yahoo:
I hope you can get to the doctors soon for your bloods taking. Maybe you could see if the district nurse could come out and take your bloods.
Lots of hugs :bighug1:
Thank you all so much, just knowing you are all there for me is helping me.
One of my coping strategies is to keep busy and sometimes I take that a bit too far and I feel I have been keeping so busy that I have really exhausted myself. Maybe I just need a few days of rest to pick myself up again. I don't think I can even move from my bed today I am just so exhausted.
You can do this Annie... you have helped so many here... think about what you have said to others and try and put it into practice... can someone drive you to the Drs or could you manage a taxi?
Thinking of you annie:hugs:
Sarah
Bernie I asked if the nurse could come out but she said no because I am not housebound or elderly. I said I would try to get there but got so worked up about I had to phone back and say I couldn't do it. The receptionist heard how distressed I was on the phone and said she would see what she could and call me back. That was at 8:15. It is now 9:55 and I have not heard back.
---------- Post added at 09:58 ---------- Previous post was at 09:54 ----------
Sarah, that i the worst part, knowing what I have said to others and now struggling to apply it to myself. The fact I have not slept has exhausted me so much that I can't think rationally though :(.
We are supposed to be going away for the weekend but it is a 4 hour train journey. Not sure if we can change the tickets to another week but I don't think it would be a good idea for me to be way from home until I get myself settled again.
bernie1977
08-05-14, 10:05
I hope they sort something out for you Annie. The district nurse comes out to me when I need bloods taking as I've explained I'm agoraphobic, I hope your Docs can do this for you as the sooner you get the tests done it will be less to worry about :hugs:
I am hoping she will be able to come out.
bernie1977
08-05-14, 10:13
Fingers crossed she does Annie as the sooner you get the tests done the better
I have now given myself a horrendous headache with crying so much :(
---------- Post added at 11:39 ---------- Previous post was at 11:11 ----------
I have another appointment for a blood test tomorrow at 11:45 when I can get someone to go with me.
My hubby has gone to see if he can change the train tickets to another date. I really hope so as they were quite expensive.
Annie, I'm so sorry to hear all of what you're going through at the moment. We all endure setbacks and blips. That certainly doesn't make you a fraud. That makes you a caring, human being who has tried to help many others and is now having a temporary setback.
Who not go back and read some of your wonderful posts to others. Look at some of the ideas and advice that you've given to them. You will come out of this and be just find. Be gentle with yourself for the moment and know that it will all be okay.
Thank you Tanner, I have cancelled all plans for today and the weekend as I know I have totally exhausted myself and need to rest. I have thought about the advice I have given others (and know I am right! lol) I am thinking more positive. Early morning after no sleep I just could not get my rational head on.
I felt bad posting this morning because I didn't want others thinking that after me saying it does get better I have got worse! Yes we do get blips but that is all it is right? A blip and in a few days I will fine again.
My husband has managed to reschedule our weekend away for July 11th. It cost 40 to change the tickets but at least I am not worried about not feeling up to it tomorrow. Knowing it has been changed is actually a weight off my mind at the moment.
caroline-j
08-05-14, 12:31
Hi Annie, Just wanted to say that I hope you feel much better soon. t,c x
I was about to say that once the worry of the weekend away was sorted it will be a weight off you mind and the you posted:D
Annie, you KNOW that sometimes we overdo things, make ourselves tired and then the anxiety gets worse as we cannot control it... it is a pattern that you MAY now have for life ( I know I will have mine for life as I have had numerous setbacks over the years).
But that's ok!!! Be kind to yourself over the next few days and you will feel better. Please try not to worry about the "return" of your feelings.... it sometimes happens and recognising the early warning signs will mean that in the future the "blip" will nit be so bad and will pass more quickly.
sarah
Thank you Sarah, I am hoping that after a good nights sleep tonight (Ihope!) I will feel much better tomorrow :)
Love to Auntie Annie!!
Annie you know it can't hurt you - you are in control of it. You can choose to react to it how you want, even if it doesn't feel like it. Put yourself ontop and assert your authority over it. xxx
Aww thank you Pancho :) I am getting my positive head back on :) and I will give the anxiety a good old kick in the butt :buttkick::buttkick::buttkick::buttkick::buttkick: :buttkick::buttkick::buttkick::buttkick::buttkick:
Oh Annie, I've been wanting to write this for a while but have felt whatim going to say would get adverse comments but as your a friend I think you'll understand.
My conclusion - this applies to those whove experienced a long period of severe or simply severe panic or GAD - panic attacks, anxiety disorder, never ever go. There is no cure, when your in that black hole NO one can pull you out. What does happen is over time due to experience you learn how to cope but there will always be times it flares up again. It's like wear and tear, you can make the pain better but it will never return to the way it was before.
It's like a switch but for us panic gad sufferers it's more like a dimmer.
Annie you might always go back to the tunnel but you will always get out & you can be confidant of that.
Xxxxxxxxxx:hugs:
I do understand Col, totally. It is always going to be there lurking in the background but at least having overcome it we can realise that the anxiety is just paying us a little visit, like a guest (an unwanted one!) and we can send it on its way again when it out stays its welcome :)
Annie pulled me out of the black hole last year with a simple little fable.
Annie pulled me out of the black hole last year with a simple little fable.
was that the one about the Frog?
You have come out of this before and you will come out of it again :bighug1: Just remember that. Sometimes we relapse, but at least this is familiar territory for us. Try to go easy on yourself.
Annie I think you're doing better than you believe! Look how you're handling it, in the past you might have not recognised the anxiety for what it is and gone down deeper into it. This time you can see what it is and are taking steps to deal with it, that's great progress.
I know it doesn't always seem that way, but you're definitely stronger than you think :)
Thank you Honeylove, you are right over a year ago I would have let how I was feeling today drag me deeper down into the dark tunnel.
:) I will keep swimming :)
Still not brilliant this morning but at least I am not crying and shaking, just feeling 'on edge' I go for my blood test at 11:45 but my husband is home to go with me.
Hope the blood tests went well Annie.... and that you are feeling a bit better today:)
Hi
What's the frog fable please?
A little frog was hopping around the farmyard. He was looking for good things to eat. He found wonderfully juicy flies buzzing around the pig pen. "Gulp! Gulp!" Gone.
Then, he ate some delicious crunchy spiders that hung from webs behind the feed trough. "Gulp! Gulp!" Gone.
He saw a mosquito flying by and reached out with his long sticky tongue and grabbed it. "Slurp," went his tongue. "Gulp! Gulp!" Gone.
As the little frog ate he explored new places. He saw a cricket hop into the milk shed. The cricket hopped through the door. So, the frog hopped through the door.
The cricket hopped up onto the milk stool. So, the frog hopped up on the milk stool. The cricket hopped up to the table top, and the frog hopped up to the table top. The cricket hopped to the window ledge, and the frog hopped to the window ledge. The cricket hopped out the window. But the frog fell, "SPLASH!" right into the milk pail.
The pail was filled half way with fresh milk. The level of the milk was too low for him to reach the top of the pail. The sides of the pail were high, and he could not climb out. The frog kicked, and he swam in circles until he became tired. He tried to close his eyes just to rest for a few seconds, but he sank to the bottom of the pail where his nostrils filled with milk. He could not breathe.
He used his legs to push off the bottom and kicked with all his might until he came to the surface again. He was so afraid, and he was so tired. He just wanted to rest. But every time, he quit kicking, he sank into the milk again and started to drown.
The frog did not give in to his fear or his tired legs. He kicked and he kicked and he kicked and he kicked.
Then, something strange happened. The milk began to turn thicker around him. At first, this make kicking even harder. The thickened milk tried to suck him to the bottom of the pail. It was harder than even to swim and to kick. But, still the frog would not give up.
Finally, the milk turned thick enough that the frog could stand on top of it instead of sinking in. The milk had been turned into butter through all the kicking and turning and churning of the frog. The frog was able to climb out to safety and to return to his family.
When your life gets really tough.
When you think you've had enough
When the world works you to death
Just try to take a big deep breath
Try so hard before you rest
Keep on working, do your best
Don't give until you're done.
Don't give up until you've won.
~Annie, March 2013
:D
I have been to the doctors and had my blood test. Gutted I didn't get a sticker for being brave :)
I told the nurse that I didn't want any letters through my door telling me that the doctor wants to see me and to make an appointment or for them to phone me saying I need to make an appointment. I said they will have to phone me and give me an appointment on that same day if the doctor wants to see me. She has written thi in my notes.
Sorry to hear what you're going through. Maybe you need some quiet time to just relax and meditate/pray. hope your tests go OK. :)
Thank you Simon, I have nothing planned for the weekend so will hopefully be able to relax :)
bernie1977
09-05-14, 14:06
Glad to hear you got to the Doctors and had your bloods done. Now try and relax and enjoy your weekend :hugs:
Thank you Bernie, I hope you are okay? xx
bernie1977
09-05-14, 14:13
I'm a bit nervy as I'm on my own until Sunday. I've coped before so I'm sure I'll manage again. :D
I'm a bit nervy as I'm on my own until Sunday. I've coped before so I'm sure I'll manage again. :D
Lots of cuddles from your lovely pets, call me if you need a chat :)
bernie1977
09-05-14, 14:21
Lots of cuddles from your lovely pets, call me if you need a chat :)
Thank you Annie you're a star :bighug1:
Aw Annie :hugs:. I haven't logged on in a while and this isn't what I expected to see on my return visit. You've given me so much wonderful advice since I've been a member here & I hate to hear you're having such a rough time. You will get through it. I've had a minor glitch of my own recently but I'm fighting it and seeing light at the end of the tunnel. You will too. Stay strong. Sending lots of love & hugs. xx
Hi Meche, lovely to hear from you. I am feeling much better today thank you but I have exhausted myself with all my panicking yesterday. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel again. Lets just make a run for it and get there quickly :) xx
Hi Meche, lovely to hear from you. I am feeling much better today thank you but I have exhausted myself with all my panicking yesterday. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel again. Lets just make a run for it and get there quickly :) xx
Hi Annie just seen you thread, sorry to hear the tunnel got dark again for a moment, but glad to hear you can see light again, you know you will reach it, you did before and you can do it again, you will have the strength after a restful few days, all though it seems to constantly linger in the back ground each time we are a bit stronger to fight it.
Take care xx:bighug1::bighug1:
Kayleigh100
09-05-14, 20:14
Hi Annie. I can't help but I can feel your pain as that is where I am now too. You think you have cracked it then suddenly, woooooosh....and no you bleedin' haven't.
Aww Kayleigh I am sorry you are feeling worse again :( I managed to get to the doctors and to pick up a prescription today. I have done a few jobs in the house but starting to feel more anxious again now as I am getting more tired. Going up to hide in my bed with my laptop. Will probably end up with 2 cats and hubby following me!!
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How right I was...they are here already! :D
Kayleigh100
09-05-14, 20:38
:)
Just popping in before bed ... glad to see you have had some progress today! Take it easy this weekend. Don't push yourself too hard. :hugs::hugs:
Hi all,
I haven't posted on this site for a fortnight.. I seemed to be able to calm my mind by understanding that my feelings are simply the result of some automatic thoughts whether I recognise them or not. Most of what follows is just the body's reaction and not under our conscious control. The thing was, this allowed me to reduce the working out, and rumination. As a result I have had a settled period of nearly 2 weeks and my body seems to be settling down. So much so that even waking in the night or early morning is calm.
I am posting this because I find myself in a similar position to many. I tell my family that I think I am at last recovering. I am positive, booking a holiday etc etc. Then yesterday I fall into a setback. I think I thought something like "what if I become anxious again" and there you go. The anxiety returns and I start to wonder if things that I thought worked for me were no longer effective and the anxiety starts to build.
Setbacks do this. They knock our confidence and try and make us believe we have to start all over again. In addition there is a shocking return of all the dreaded feelings and we feel foolish and weak to have to admit we are struggling again to our disappointed family. We start analysing and worrying again about all the old worries, that were not worries only a few days ago.
I am steeped in anxiety again, but I do believe that this has happened because of some silly thoughts that crept in and I believed them. It's the same old problem and nothing new. The practice is to understand that this has happened because of a few "what if" thoughts and we need to treat this as understandable and not as a result of something gone terribly wrong. I am trying not to worry and analyse about the way I feel again. Let's not fall back into the same old trap. Setbacks happen to everyone.
Phil
Thank you Phil, that is exactly how it is for me at the moment. As soon as I feel a little anxious about a 'what if' I think "Oh No it is coming back again!" I have to get it into my head that it is just a normal little worry that will pass and not let it escalate to bigger things.
---------- Post added at 09:35 ---------- Previous post was at 09:33 ----------
I have the morning anxiety again this morning but going to try to overcome it.
Good luck Annie,
It is all about memory and habit. You and I have been here before but a lot has changed since earlier episodes. Memory tricks us all the time. It's natural to get scared again, but we should understand that this is the same old bluff. What if, oh no! How many times have these thoughts got us back to worrying. It will pass... There is no need to worry.
That's what I am saying to myself now.... My body will calm again when it gets the message.
Phil
I have to listen to what I say to others...the negative what ifs, change them to positive ones :) I do keep reminding myself of this. A little bit of anxiety is normal for everyone but when we feel it, it is oh no I am going back to how I was. We need to think this is normal it is just because I am worrying about.....it will pass :)
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