View Full Version : Health Anxiety - Ending my life
I have made the decision to soon end my life because of this pain.
I have suffered with health anxiety for the last 5 years. It started in bed, suddenly with my partner. I was chatting to him calmly and he remarked that I'd gone very white. Immediately after that, I had a huge bump in my chest, fell over and gasped for air. I had another and gasped for more air, begging for an ambulance. The doctor said 'panic attack' when she came.
At the age of 21 now, it's reaching its limits. I've tried medication which has calmed me, but the symptoms and issues remain, and my daily life has become so severely impeded. Whenever I seek an actual diagnosis I'm met with brash and uncaring behaviour, where in describing trademark heart failure, they will write on my official medical reports "she has scared herself.".
I've been to A&E too many times. I've had severe panic attacks in class, on the street, in bed, during workout.
I've now got to the point where I can't exercise, I can barely eat, and moving from bed is something nearly impossible.
To give you an idea of my condition, I will tell you about my day:
I started off by waking up with great amounts of chest pressure. I was too tired and brushed it off. I then got up, felt dizzy, laid back down again. I got up, managed to get myself to a chair. Finally I managed to feed myself some cereal, at which point I felt sick. Every time I stood up, I couldn't breathe, I fell straight back down, and still struggled. I would shake, I could not concentrate on my work, and I felt like all hell. Palpitations set in.
I eventually got up and moved to the sofa, where I calmed down enough to read through some notes for my work. After 20 minutes, I stood up, felt like someone had taken the life out of me, and then shuffled to the bedroom, begging my partner for help as he woke up. I fell on the floor, gasping for air, as my heart rate elevated to 180bpm. I cried and screamed.
'Just anxiety'.
I took some sleeping tablets to calm me down (they never put me to sleep anyway) and they managed to calm me down. I was able to stand up again. So I went to university. I had a relatively calm drive.
I got to university. I sat in class. My ear started aching horribly. I became dizzy, the room became gigantic and my senses were overloaded.
I tried to relax at school with earphones in and sunglasses on. It helped slightly.
I start walking around at an incredibly slow pace. Heart rate 140bpm. Every time I walk up hills, 150-160bpm. And so by the end of the day I was having to lean on whatever I could find just to keep me up.
I got to my motorbike, still 130bpm, and drove home, afraid.
I lay in bed, 85bpm. Some relief. And yet I sit here shaking, with back and stomach pain all over.
I have no desire to live through this anymore. My dreams have become nightmares and my days have become nightmares. I no longer wish to live.
I am posting this because I want help. I want self help because I'm too unreliable to be able to get a therapist. Really. I just can't bring myself to leave the house and see someone. That is the nature of this.
No medical professional takes me seriously.
I require intervention, and I am happy to work for it, within my somewhat narrow limits of being able to do it within the confines of my own home (in which even here I still feel unsafe.). And I don't have any desire to live a life of this quality for any longer.
Please look at this and make a phone call.
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
Positive thoughts
Hello there
Please carry on and get some help I know it don't feel like it but there is light at the end
I really do wish you all the best
Xx
I would like suggestions on how to deal with this.
The decision to end my life will only come if I'm not provided with a solution to my extreme level of suffering that is leaving me bedbound, and in extreme pain. Not some out of control emotion that can be solved with a phone call.
I really don't want sympathy on this. I would like an empathetic response. One where I can be given a list of tasks I can do in order to improve my mental condition.
Vanilla Sky
09-05-14, 15:32
First of all getting your breathing right during a panic is crucial,
No matter how bad you feel get your senses straight to your breath , breath deep breaths in and deep breaths out and you will become calmer. Do not listen to the clutter ie im dying right now , I cant get my breath , im having a heart attack etc etc. Once you feel yourself calming ( and you will ) continue telling yourself that it is a panic attack. Then relax all your muscels even if it means flopping into a chair or on to the bed , just relax, what is to gain from being tensed up... you continue to feel on edge.
it is hard work dealing with panic, but you have too . And I can assure you the more you do the breathing the easier it will become
Fishmanpa was giving you a number to ring and perhaps the person on the end of the phone will have techniques for you also.
I found CBT helped me a lot and Citalopram, which I was on for a few years .
I am presuming the doctor has given you medication ?
I wish you well and trust me , you will come out of this
Paige :)
Brittany,
1) Call your physician and schedule an appointment.
2) Call the Suicide Prevention Hot Line
3) Call and schedule and appointment with a therapist.
4) Go online to MoodGym and sign up for the free CBT course.
5) Find meditation, deep breathing tapes on YouTube and try them on a daily basis.
6) Find someone that you can talk with about the way that you feel.
7) Know that if you kill yourself, none of the above really matters.
nomorepanic
09-05-14, 15:45
Have you read the First Steps and Coping website pages on the left for practical things to do.
I would like suggestions on how to deal with this.
The decision to end my life will only come if I'm not provided with a solution to my extreme level of suffering that is leaving me bedbound, and in extreme pain. Not some out of control emotion that can be solved with a phone call.
I really don't want sympathy on this. I would like an empathetic response. One where I can be given a list of tasks I can do in order to improve my mental condition.
Brittany,
You said in the first line of your post:
"I have made the decision to soon end my life because of this pain."
No one here are trained professionals. You said you require intervention. You also stated in your OP that you're limited due to your situation. The hotline has trained individuals that know how to deal with such thoughts. They can help, decide if in fact intervention is immediately necessary and/or point you in the right direction in getting the help you need. Self help is great if indeed you're in the proper state of mind to do it. Since you mentioned several times about ending your life in your post, I believe professional help would be an avenue to pursue.
I believe I speak for everyone when I say, suicide is never an option. There's just so much an internet forum and words on a screen can do when someone is in a mental state where they're contemplating suicide :(
I don't know how much more empathetic one can be in a situation like you describe but I hope you know no one wants you to take your life.
Positive thoughts
ankietyjoe
09-05-14, 16:47
If it helps, you're describing the life of a great percentage of the people here.
Learn to accept it and half the battle is over.
anxietyoverload
09-05-14, 17:08
It really upsets me to read this and see how much this is affecting your life.
I think you should print your post off and take it to a doctor. I understand how hard it can be when you feel like you spend your life there and that they just do not understand. Your anxiety has lead you to feel so depressed that you want to take your own life and your only 21 years old.
Life has so much more to offer you, you just have to get past this xx
Serenity1990
09-05-14, 17:16
Brittany, please try and accept that you do in fact have a real illness. It's called anxiety. Perhaps it's the worst named illness in history, as the actual "anxiety" is only one symptom of many in this illness, which does have very real physical symptoms.
The good news is it's an illness that is transient in nature: you will get better. Once you've accepted that all your symptoms are caused by this illness and it cannot harm you that is the first stage, and it's only uphill from there. I'm not saying that's easy - it isn't. And you can't force yourself to accept it either, it has to be heartfelt. But that will happen, maybe you just need to find the right help. It is out there. :)
sleepy_lady
09-05-14, 22:56
I'm in your exact same situatuon, except I can't even leave my house. Taking a few steps to use the bathroom in the morning makes me feel faint and hot rushes and makes my heart race like I ran a marathon. I don't know what's wrong with us, and I'm sorry.
If you really feel that you can't speak to someone in person, Anxiety UK offers over the phone counselling and cbt. You really must get help. You are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. With the right treatment/medication you WILL get better. There are lots of tips on here for coping with our symptoms and lots on the internet too. I have posted about something I found on YouTube about turning anxiety into calm. It is a lecturer talking to students and I found it very interesting, learning how your mind/brain works. You will find my post in tips, I think. If you can't find it, pm me. I know you feel overwhelmed but I promise you it will pass. X
Just looked and it is posted under Links on the forum page. Please watch it and it will really give you an insight into how we think and why. X
I agree with everything everyone above has said. Call the hotline. Talking to people who will understand you and know how you're feeling, what you can do right away, will help so much.
Some other hotlines for you:
Samaritains, 24 hours, for distress and despair: 08457 90 90 90
NoPanic: 10am-10pm, for panic attack suffers: 0800 138 8889
One thing that is difficult, but might help is to putting every waking effort into helping someone else. Regardless of your situation, how awful you feel, concentrating on someone else and their problems and how you can ease them will make it impossible for you to be scared.
That is difficult though, so do not be disheartened if you can't. Here are some links that might help or at least keep you distracted.
1. Quick breathing guide. The tongue tip really works.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Apkg1cKDyyA
2. Guided Meditation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fz57mdSPgMI
3. Meditation talk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5L08y0lVJs
4.Inspirational talk- YOU CAN DO THIS if she can, you can
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bX32U_hfri4
5.How to heal your body using your mind
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NkplQu240Q
6.Change your mind, change your brain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peA6vy0D5Bg
7.Relaxation music-really works
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOEvKulq2sY
8.Tunring anxiety into calmness-how your mind is amazing. Lecture.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYJdekjiAog
9.Stephens story-when life gives you cancer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvG3ifEd0t0
10. Managing stress and expectations
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gm0KHIsncmM
11. Uncertainty
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pswsVGVdISY
12. Health anxiety/panic etc CBT booklets-click on resources for other courses
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=53
Please take care, you'll be ok, I promise. Just keep going. It'll be worth it.
krystal1982
10-05-14, 20:58
Keep trying because you can overcome this terrible part of your life.
Please don't end your life, when you recover you'll wonder why you ever thought to do such a thing!
Dont forget you are not alone, look at us here, we all have some crazy stuff in our mindes that bother us to live normally, byt we hope, please, lets hope all together and pray for each other! Love
Catherine S
12-05-14, 18:30
You say in your OP that after you'd taken sleeping pills you felt calm enough to be able to go into Uni, so that tells you that what you are experiencing is a heightened state of anxiety. It sounds as if what you're living with are the highs and lows of medication. The original panic attack has faded obviously, but the effects of some meds can go on long after, in particular the benzos...the pills that tranquilise us. It sounds like you take the sleeping pills, feel calm then a couple of hours later your body is in withdrawal from them when their calming effect begins to wear off. A vicious circle.
I know you are suffering and the symptoms are very real but you won't die, and despite what you say I know you really want to live or you wouldn't have posted about it. You are living in fear of the symptoms killing you anyway. They won't, but they are extremely uncomfortable. You do need help, but with sorting out the right medication. You seem to be living with withdrawal symptoms from my experience, and your fear of them is creating the cycle...you just need to find a way to break it.
ISB x
We are all in the same boat and together we can all beat this or at least learn to deal with it so it doesn't distrupt our lives....im new to no more panic, and im so glad i found it, im 45 you are 21 you have the rest of your life ahead of you, dont let health anxiety take your life away, together we can beat this with the help of people like ourselves, good luck Brittany xx:hugs: If ever you need to talk just message me!
Littlemisssunshine10
12-05-14, 20:26
Brittany I have days where I feel like this please email me and we cnan help each other! I'm 23 years old and I say to my partner why do I feel like this and it can't just be anxiety , but I actually think it is. You need to
Think how long is gone on if it was somthing younthinkyou would of known 5 years later this is defiantly a health anxiety problem please contact me, your help proffesional and have you tried Iapts? Telephone therapy?
If you truly want actual tools you can practice Google Abraham A. Low and order his book "Mental Health Through Will Training". It is an older book but I have been using this method to overcome my anxiety, health anxiety, and depression for almost twenty years. It has changed my life, it is not a quick fix and it takes work but if you really work at it and stick it out it WILL help you. Give it a try, good luck. There is a web site and phone meetings as well as in person weekly meetings too.
Ivy
There is a wonderful website called nothingworks.weebly . It truly puts things in perspective. What you need to understand is that your body is frantically searching for a cause of anxiety when really there is none. its tryong to help you feel better not hurt you. anxiety isnt an illness its a mind state. once you accept that your thoughts are just thoughts and your symptoms cannot hurt you they will stop. i know it sounds easiersaid thandonebut its true, your body is trying to help not hinder you looking for a reason. if you take away the fear you take away the searching and with that the symptoms. besides, if you have health anxiety you fear symptoms killing you. i do not think you would want to hurry the process.you are perfectly healthy. what a wadte of a your life it would be. we all must die evemtuallu so why wste the time we have now. you only get one life please dont waste it. with love xx
Every symptom you have stated is what anxiety brings on. My anxiety has been out of control since december after 7 years of normal life. It is a viscous circle. 7 years ago I had anxiety about my heart and I was CONVINCED that I had something terrible with it. This went on for months. It was only after having my first daughter that I managed to get over it because i was thinking about something other than myself. I had all the symptoms you describe, the more you think about them, the more panicked you will get and the worse they will get. You should always think to yourself when you are in a state that you do have a mental illness, this is why you are the way you are. Your treatment for your problems does not lie in some sort of heart surgery, it lies in treating your hypochondria, you need to speak to someone, that is exactly what i am currently doing. If you dont do nothing about it, nothing is about to change. You can get through this, you just have to start believing. Talking to a medical professional about it does help. I was assessed last friday and i cant wait to start my therapy because it is going to help me.
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