Just more rambling :) [Archive]

Charlotteee89

10-05-14, 19:37

Hi, how's everyone doing?

When I type how I'm feeling it makes me feel better, like I've released something, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

My week has been so-so, just pretty blah to be honest. Good days & semi-good days but fortunately no real bad days. I'm struggling with a lot of anticipatory anxiety & a lot of random obsessive thinking. I get anxious over what to think about a lot too... :unsure: I'm constantly thinking to myself "Right, okay, what to think about now?" "Lets try & not think anything anxiety provoking.." "How am I feeling, any anxious thoughts?" Etc etc. I'm very sensitized at the moment it seems. A certain type of anxious/obsessive thought comes into my head then another type after.. It's almost like my mind is doing it on purpose, like I'm trying to challenge myself or something. :shrug:

If anyone read my last 'rambling' thread you might remember me talking about a guy at work, well, that didn't turn out well in the end (it wasn't his fault, more like us wanting different things) & I'm trying to figure how I actually feel about it.. I'm very unsure, it's the first time I've been in this situation, which is a very normal situation (a lot of females can relate to it!) but my anxiety is making me feel a bit scared of feeling a bit low/annoyed about it. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm so 'in-tune' to my feelings. I almost don't want anything to make my anxiety worse, as I'll end up exaggerating everything by obsessive thinking. It's a difficult one.

My mind is in over-drive at the moment, several different obsessive thoughts going through my head that's making me feel a bit overwhelmed but I'm trying to 'not get on the train' with them, trying to be 'mindful' - it's not easy!

Oosh

11-05-14, 18:08

Sounds like you're doing a lot of self monitoring and are fearing and looking out for triggers.
The goal is to forget yourself. Sitting self monitoring your thoughts is not really good for anything. Your thoughts should be on constructive external things. You should be wrapped up in relationships, friends, interests, fun, self improvement, life improvement, goals, work. If you have time to sit and watch your own thoughts intently like that there must be an absence of those things. Look outward. Self awareness can be crippling. I know because crippling self consciousness is one of the biggest problems I've had. It's responsible for a lot.
How are you supposed to feel yourself, be yourself, flow, enjoy yourself if you're watching yourself, what you are or aren't doing or watching what you're thinking ?

Forget about watching your thoughts. They'll take care of themselves when you give your mind the above things to chew on.
It's like a computer and if you don't give it something to do it'll just be left to contemplate itself. It needs things to do. That's what it's there for.

I've read your previous posts about the lad at work but couldn't work out what's happened this time from that paragraph. Is it all off now then ? Are you upset by the whole thing ? Did you two ever get together at all ?

Charlotteee89

11-05-14, 23:42

Oh yes I'm definitely self monitoring, wasn't even aware of it until your post! I'm constantly aware of my own self & thoughts. Feeling very conscious of myself.

It's something I need to stop doing, but I know it won't happen overnight, I need to allow myself to phase it out, so to speak. The more I try & shut it off the more it will come.

I need to allow myself to be 'normal' & feel whatever comes with that without freaking out wondering how it's going to affect my anxiety.

Well with the guy at work we've been talking for a good 6-7 weeks & yes we've done 'stuff' suppose you could call it 'friends with benefits', he did clearly say when we first started talking that he didn't want a girlfriend but he still classes me as a mate not just a girl. But since we first started talking neither of us have really 'gone there' with how the situation is now, as in, is it more than just friendship, does he like me? & my mind has been consumed with the thoughts of it. & There's been little things he's done & said that's made me think so & in the meantime I've kinda started to like him but I'm still unsure how much, what I do know is that I'm very attracted to him & I feel very comfortable around him. It all came to a head this week when I went round his house & questioned him before we slept together for the first time & basically said he see's me as a mate (I told him I liked him), he was quite nice about it but then I ummed & arred about whether I should go the 'whole way' with him as he still wanted too but I didn't come to a conclusion & he just took me home. He then texted me saying he thinks we should just be mates as anything else just seems too complicated & that he doesn't want to upset me & that he's been completely honest with me from the start & he hopes we can still be mates. I basically said that we can be mates still & he seemed surprised by this as girls don't normally want to be just his mate. We've talked since & it all seem's fine. So blah. Not sure how to feel about this situation. :shrug: I think I've become attached to him though (so typical!) & when he texts me I cheer up instantly, when we don't talk I feel down. Blaaaaaah. :wacko:

I know for a fact I DO NOT want to be one of those girls who will carry on with a guy in hope he falls for her... That's just crazy & very unfair on the guy. I'm not stupid & I respect myself too much.

Oosh

12-05-14, 10:56

We'll re self monitoring, look at kids, they're about as unaware of themselves as you can be. Everything just pours out of them unchecked, unfiltered, unscrutinsed (not a word lol) , it flows out. They don't think about it they just "be".

Now look at us watching our every move and thought, analysing it and ultimately putting ourselves in a straight jacket for fear of this that and the other.

Remember a time when you were enjoying yourself and were just lost in the moment.
Remember a time when you were so engrossed in a task that time flew by.
This has got to be the goal.

Lose yourself.
Forget yourself.
So you can BE yourself.
So you can FEEL yourself.

It's easier to do this when you don't care, so don't care.

The goal is blissful forgetting yourself, thinking outside yourself about external things, think about other people, the other side of the world, your dreams, goals, plans, future boyfriends, future career path, anything, just not you and what you think ! It's mental chatter, it means nothing, don't fear it just let it go. Put your mind back on external subjects.

I really feel for you over this lad at work. You obviously really like him. He obviously is showing no commitment to you.
As nice as he's being right now, you can't be sure that after you've done "it" together that he's not all of a sudden going to become too busy to "be friends" sometimes. Then occasionally seeing him with someone else. That's not going to feel good.

It's a shame you like him so much.
Will it hurt less to get out now or hurt less doing it with him and seeing him show no commitment to you afterwards ?
You may well have done the right thing in getting out when you did.

In an ideal world he sees YOU play the field, looking secure in yourself, leading him to have more respect/value for you and maybe deciding to pursue you.

I'm just not sure that particular bloke plays any meaningful part in your future.

Or you could use him like he'd be using you. F*** buddy's. If it serves a purpose for you. Gives you some relationship experience. But you've got to be looking for a proper boyfriend at the same time if you're going to do that. Otherwise, your gonna be fooling yourself into thinking he's your bf.

Damn, tricky one.
I think I'd get out now.

Hopefully some females can give you their opinions.

Good luck !

Charlotteee89

12-05-14, 19:45

Deffo need to start 'losing myself' rather than analyzing myself!

I think I'm fearful of thinking of other more normal things because of my low self confidence & because of what's causing my anxiety in the first place.

Well whatever it was with this guy it's not no more, he basically told me he thinks we should be just friends because anything else would just be too complicated because "I'm a lovely girl and he doesn't want to end up upsetting me"! But even if he didn't say that & carried on pursuing me even though he knows I have feelings for him (I don't think he would, he's actually a nice guy) I don't think I could allow myself to do anything with him anymore as I know he just see's me as a mate. It was the fact I didn't actually know if he liked me in the end which was messing with my mind! But when I really think about it I think the idea of what we/he could've been is not actually what it/he is, I fantasized about him too much & the real him isn't the him I was dreaming about. We only met a few times in person. & I don't know if my feelings for him are as strong as I thought they were... I'm just really attracted to him! Attraction & actual real romantic feelings are two different things. However I think if it was the case of he doesn't like me in that way but he still wanted a girlfriend I'd be pretty gutted & would be thinking all sorts like "What's wrong with me? Why couldn't he fall for me?" That's a more horrible situation. He basically doesn't want a girlfriend what so ever right now, he wants friends with benefits (but not just any girl, he's very chosy who he has 'benefits' with it seems). & Some nights I'm wondering whether he's with another girl & I feel pretty 'meh' about that, but because I know it's nothing serious that makes me feel better. I think it's a girl thing - we don't like it when a guy is giving another girl attention! I think I'm feeling a bit like 'another notch in his belt' at times, which is a crappy feeling, no girl wants that! & Then when he seemed surprised that I said we can still be friends I'm thinking "Well maybe he doesn't actually want to be my friend!" "Maybe he wanted me to be like "Er no.."". I hate being all over the place! Haha.

Argh all so very complicated, but I'm glad I went through it - I know now how it feels to be in that situation! :shades:

Charlotteee89

14-05-14, 23:55

Just need to let some stuff off my chest again... This is like a diary!

So my anxiety has calmed down quite a bit but now I'm getting more & more frustrated over the guy-at-work-situation.

We've talked a bit since last week when he made the decision to just be friends etc etc but out of the blue on Monday night he tried it on with me whilst we were texting (in his lovely, matter of fact way)... I was a bit stunned as normally if a guy makes that decision he would normally stick to it right? I told him it's not a good idea as I'm not into friends with benefits & it'll probably mess everything up & he told me I think too much... :unsure: I'M SO CONFUSED! I don't understand how he can go from that to that in a matter of 4-5 days! He's been at work over the last few days & he's ignored me (which isn't that unusual) & I just feel really crappy tonight. :shrug: I think he's talking to other girls too which makes me feel even more rubbish - Is it normal to hate the idea of him talking to other girls in the way he has talked me over the past month? & Potentially hooking up with them? Nevermind the fact he probably has slept with other girls whilst talking to me anyway, as he made it clear he wants friendship with benefits! :wacko: I just can't figure myself out.. I'm trying so hard to convince myself that I don't like him that much but I think I'm just in denial... ARGH!

Anyways, rant over. :blush:

Oosh

15-05-14, 10:28

So my anxiety has calmed down quite a bit but now I'm getting more & more frustrated over the guy-at-work-situation.

I thought you might :)
You like him, he`s in your face everyday. Makes it hard to forget him and move on.

out of the blue on Monday night he tried it on with me whilst we were texting (in his lovely, matter of fact way)... I was a bit stunned as normally if a guy makes that decision he would normally stick to it right?

Nope.
I think he was playing it cool to lure you into bed. It didnt happen so he`s continued to play it cool. BUT he`s a man and cannot help himself wanting to get you into bed so now comes the flirting again.
It would still be just sleeping with you and there probably would still be no commitment. He just cant help himself.
Dont get confused. He nearly slept with you. He still wants to sleep with you.

he told me I think too much...

:/
Yeh well he would wouldnt he.
"Dont think, just sleep with me."

Sounds like youre still in the same predicament im afraid.

Once youve slept with him you probably wouldnt see him for dust.

Only an outside view of course.

What would annoy him is if you found yourself a different bf so if i were you the positive way forward is to look elsewhere and stay away from the workplace player :winks:

Charlotteee89

15-05-14, 17:45

I've had every thought go through my head as to why he texted me what he texted me then decided to try it on with me again on Monday! :wacko:

I really have no clue whether it was genuine, a load of crap, him just being spontaneous or a bit of everything! :shrug:

Blommin' men! I wouldn't of thought he was really that manipulative but who knows! I've been talking to him for nearly 2 months now & I would say I know him pretty well... If it's all one massive game then I would be surprised to be honest. He hasn't done anything with hardly any girls from work (maybe 1 or 2 over the 2 years he's been there so far) unlike A LOT of the guys who work with me.. They're awful! Ewwwww. :lac: (I work in a large supermarket with 350+ staff)

He wants friends with benefits, I don't particularly as I'll just end up hurting myself... All one big complicated mess.

Oosh

15-05-14, 22:04

350+ colleagues !

Find one who wants you back !
Skip the eeeeeew lot.
Skip the "let me have sex with you without commitment" lot.
Find the one who wants to be your boyfriend !

Find the one who's got a crush on you, make him buy you stuff and be nice to you. :yesyes:

Charlotteee89

15-05-14, 22:26

Hahahahaa! Most of the good looking, boyfriend material guys at work are already loved up! :weep: Didn't get in there quick enough!

I deffo need to stop stressing about him, I can honestly just be his friend but he obviously has a different agenda which makes that hard. I don't like him enough to make that too awkward. It's just all these mixed signals are making me go "What if?" & that plays on my mind. I was doing fine up until Monday! Seeing him at work is hard though cause as soon as I see him about I'm thinking "Ugh, he's so good looking!" :doh: But saying that there's a few guys at work (already spoken for unfortunately) who I think the same off when I see them but because they're taken I just breeze across those thoughts lol.

Anyways, I'll get myself a decent guy eventually! :D

shannabanna

16-05-14, 15:12

Hi Charlottee89,

I had a similar experience with a guy from work, wanted the friends with benefits thing, when it was clear that I wasn't up for it he changed tactics and properly wooed me. I had known him for years and considered him a mate but was so flattered when he seemed genuinely interested and ended up falling for him. There was nothing he wouldn't do for me.

He was obsessed with keeping our relationship a secret, which was fine with me because I wasn't ready to go public with our relationship but I didn't see this was a warning sign. Anyway to cut a long story short he was very possessive in a scary way so I worried about that. Then he kept saying he felt guilty about our relationship, which I thought was odd, so I suggested that we just be friends. A few weeks down the line a mutual friend mentioned him and his girlfriend???!!! It turned out he had been seeing his flatmate all the while hence the guilt.

When I questioned him about it he just said I knew the score 'friends with benefits'. Its sad because I trusted him, told him all my problems with anxiety and low self esteem and still he manipulated the situation.

I walked out on my job, a job I loved because I couldn't stand seeing him and being unemployed has caused me so much stress and more anxiety.

So anyway be careful, in my experience it just leads to getting hurt but I am sure you will meet a decent guy :D

Charlotteee89

16-05-14, 23:12

Oh no, that's horrible! Poor you. :hugs:

We haven't really spoke much since Monday, I saw him as I was leaving work on Wed & I ignored him so he ignored me (seems to be a pattern that) & it was a bit awkward as he was happily chatting away to my friends at work who finished at the same time as me. I felt a bit disheartened but then I told myself "Look, if you're going out of your way to ignore him, he's going to do the same isn't he?".
I instigated a text to him which he replied really friendly too on Wed night & that's been it, so far. I saw him tonight with his friend as I was leaving work & he clearly saw me too.

He's the absolute king of playing it cool so I never know what he's really thinking.

I do genuinely want to be his friend but if he's just pretending to be my friend so he can sleep with me then obviously I'm not going to bother. He doesn't talk to me first much these days, that has fizzled out. I'm just going to get on with my life & stop stressing about him! :) Well try too anyways haha!

Men eh! Blaaaaaah. :lac:

shannabanna

18-05-14, 11:50

Its a shame when you genuinely want to be friends with someone, especially if you have spent so much time talking and texting and then it just fizzles out. I hate that when that happens! Maybe he will drop his cool act soon and realise that he is missing out on a friendship.:)

Charlotteee89

19-05-14, 02:10

OCD-Greyback

19-05-14, 02:41

HAHA WELL! My worst fear I suppose you could say has come true with this guy from work! :scared15: I jinxed myself with my earlier postings me thinks!

He went on a date with some girl on Sat who he 'really likes spending time with' after everything he's said to me about not wanting a girlfriend etc etc. He basically just saw me & him as friends who have a little fun every now & then but it didn't go the way he thought apparently... He said 'he can't help the way he feels' and that he's really sorry if he upset me etc etc he didn't expect this to happen. I'm so mad at myself for falling for him thinking (stupidly) it could maybe lead to something but then of course he made it clear he just wanted to be friends etc which I was fine with but now I know he's fallen for another girl I just feel like crap! :weep: Why couldn't he see me in that way, what's wrong with me? So when we first met why didn't he think I could be girlfriend material? Is he just not attracted to me? Is all the horrible thoughts that are rushing through my head at the moment! UGH.

It has factually nothing to do with yourself lacking any facts Miss Charlotteee. The factual mistake is his own for simply misplacing such a factual opportunity to be a partner to a DPG and lady like yourself.

Your factual thoughts of self doubting are factually and naturally occurring, I factually experience such self doubting upon a daily basis as concerns my factual thoughts towards the one I love more than words can factually state, my best friend.

I would not alter our bond for any factual offer within this solar system or factual galaxy. I simply doubt myself as concerns such facts and she constantly provides myself with support, love, and other such facts I am undeserving of. She does not factually in any fact or form cause my self doubt, nor the fact of intrusive thoughts which escalate also are a factual interference, and while they simply are indirectly because of herself by fact she is the object of stated thoughts and such, I do not doubt nor blame herself as she has stated and I am aware of, as I believe her without fault.

I simply state the facts Miss. While is apology is warranted it does factually little to assuage the facts of upset and negative feelings you experience.

Hence I will simply state this fact:

You are a factual DPG and lady, as is Miss Shanna, and the both of yourselves will locate members of my gender whom are worthy of yourselves.

Those who have come factually within close distance are clearly and as stated, unworthy as is the majority of my factual gender.

However you have no factual incorrect-ness Miss Charlotteee and there is nothing factually incorrect towards the fact of 'girlfriend material'. There is no factual set for such a fact. The one whom is worthy will view the facts as I do myself and state there is nothing factually incorrect within yourselves.

If a member of my gender as factually imperfect as myself and unworthy as myself, which my best friend factually disagrees with and I believe her without fault, however if I can factually view such facts, those more worthy and such will also.

Best of factual wishes and such Miss Charlotteee and Miss Shanna, if I can be of any factual use or assistance with conversation or other such facts, I am as per the usual glad to be of such factual usage.

Apologies if my factual comment is of no factual assistance

Oosh

19-05-14, 10:16

It's just life I'm afraid. We can't always guarantee the people we fancy fancy us back. They might like us, even sleep with us, but you usually pick someone to be in a relationship with because they're a bit special to you. And that can be complex. Just because you didn't match up perfectly for him it doesn't mean there is anything "wrong" with you.

You fancy him so he sounds fanciable. He plays it cool. He's probably liked by lots of girls then and would reject lots of them too.

In your posts you sound like a very normal down to earth girl. You were able to be friends with him. He would even have slept with you so he obviously found you attractive. So I really don't think you should get too hung up on what's "wrong" with you.

Play it cool ;-)

It's all part of the game.
Have value for yourself. Don't let him see you upset and insecure about this.

In a previous thread you said you were very underweight. How are you getting on with that ? Have you managed to get your weight back into a healthy weight range ?

The best way to get their attention back is to let them see you have value for yourself, look your best, play it cool, get on with your life and be seen enjoying yourself with and being valued by other people.

I know it hurts. I might sound like a total know it all but I've been there whingeing in private going "yeh, but they were the one" like we all have.

Put a brave face on, play it cool. Be your best. You may have lost this battle but you may yet win the war.

I'd get on the dating sites for fanciable bf material in the local area.
Damn, that come out wrong !
YOU go on dating sites for bf material.
Go on some dates.
Get to your healthy body weight, get fit. Get on with your life.
And maybe one day, after, gods gift to women at work, sees you looking good, playing it cool and getting on with things, you might get a message from him saying "er hi, remember me, wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime. Me and gf broke up and bit bored" aka "damn you look good ! I made a mistake didn't i !"

It's certainly better than sitting alone crying thinking "what's wrong with me" isn't it !

Remember to get them back you have to be seen to have value.
Show him he made a mistake !
And on that path you'll probably end up with somebody better anyway !

Charlotteee89

19-05-14, 14:37

What fantastic advice! :yesyes:

I'm more positive about the situation today, I'm just going to get on with my life & not be bitter, cause as you said that's going to make me look like an idiot as I don't want him thinking he's got me 'strung' or whatever, don't want him having that over me. He was all like "You can find better guys than me, and I'm sure you will!" so yeah he probs loving this - such a good boost for his ego! (I replied to that very bluntly "Well thanks, but I'm not into you that much... etc etc") When I really think about it he's not really the type of guy I think I'd want as a boyfriend, he's younger than me, living at home, not very independent & obviously a bit immature. He's a good enough mate but anything more than that I think would in the long run, not be good enough. It's just a massive slap in the face when he made such a point of saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship as he finds it boring then suddenly BAM. Ah well! :D His loss. :yesyes:

Well I'm not getting very far with the weight thing! Struggling to put it on... I think I will find it difficult as my natural build is very slim.. I think it's going to take some time! I am very insecure about my weight so that doesn't help this whole guy-at-work situation.

shannabanna

20-05-14, 10:22

I know its easy to say, but its his loss and you are better off out of it. Its good that you are being positive about the situation and seeing things for what they are. I am always so naïve and give people a thousand chances then regret it when they turn out to be users.

I reckon it is all a huge ego boost for this guy which obviously suggest that he has low self esteem and makes himself feel better by stringing women along which is a bit sad really:sad:

I am sure you will fine a fantastic person and when you do this guy will be a distant memory and you will think 'thank god I didn't go there!!!!'
Good Luck!!!:yesyes:

Charlotteee89

24-05-14, 02:53

Deffo struggling to deal with this situation! I can feel really good & generally non anxious & then suddenly BAM it hits me like a tonne of bricks! :wacko:

I keep re-reading the text argument we had last Sunday & I'm thinking that it was genuine & that everything he said I think he meant, he was very sincere & it does make sense from him, I've spent time with him in real life & he's is actually lovely & doesn't have a malicious or sneaky bone in his body, I don't think he intentionally meant to hurt me, like he said he didn't. But who truly knows eh? He's so different at work, arrogant & aloof. You wouldn't think he's the same guy in work & outside of work.

It was awkward at work earlier on in the week but then I smiled at him which he seemed a bit chuffed with & then said hello to me later on in the shift. He also said hello the next day. I didn't want to get him any satisfaction, just in case.

I do miss the fact we used to talk all the time, I hate the fact that at work I can't help but look out for him though, I think it's because I've been so used to doing that, that it's become a habit, I'm always interested in his reaction to me when he see's me. My friend from work said she has an awkward exchange with him last Mon, he saw her, looked a bit shocked, had to rejust himself & walked off. She was thinking it was because either he thought she'd say something or because he thought she was me for a few seconds as we look a like. :shrug:

I can deffo do so much better though! I'm getting more & more annoyed with myself that I like him, he's so attractive! I just want him gone out of my mind. I'll get there eventually! :)

Oosh

24-05-14, 08:55

I'mdave27

24-05-14, 09:12

Not all thinking about internal things are an absence of the things you think about. I'm not having a go or meaning to be confrontational but some people can't help but obsess over certain things it could be the way they are made or it could be some disorder only a professional will know , especially a therapist. I've known people who have had everything but they couldn't help think about internal things so as is the norm people would say , 'get out of yourself' which made it even worse because this person would eventually try to kill himself by walking on a train track waiting for a train. All because he felt guilty for not getting out himself , focusing on life improvement etc. Turns out he is schizophrenic which explained a lot but still he has extremely bad day's where he gets like that.

Charlotteee89

24-05-14, 23:00

You sound like you're doing quite well considering :)
You can't help fancying people at work. Especially if they're in your face every day. Hard to forget them.

I don't think he intentionally meant to hurt you either. I just think people were generally advising to stay out of a relationship with him if he was saying friends with benefits as it's gonna then be a bit painful seeing him having OTHER friends with benefits in front of you !

I think you dodged a bullet because it's only been a few weeks since his offer of friends with benefits and he's already got a gf. That wouldn't have felt nice.

Horrible relationships aren't they, never mind.

I think I am doing okay, I think I just hate feeling like this! But I think it's more to do with my anxiety than anything, I'm constantly thinking things like "Oh god, how will my anxiety deal with this?" "Will my anxiety make my feelings 10x more dramatic?" I think because I have anxiety it's almost like I don't trust myself or my thoughts to make everything worse. I'm constantly anticipating anxiety & when it doesn't come I'm like "Oh, where is it?" "Why am I not anxious?!" :wacko:

Also, because this is the first time in a very long time that I've had male problems/drama I'm just not sure what is anxiety-based thoughts or normal thoughts? :unsure:

I've still no idea what changed his mind so much, it was literally not even 2 weeks he went on this date after telling me he didn't want a girlfriend, at all! But he had been 'talking' to her aswell as me, well he said after me & him 'stopped talking so much' they started talking so that kinda hurts, that for some reason, he chose her as girlfriend material, even though he didn't want a girlfriend? It's baffling me. Maybe she's a girl he's been trying to get with for a while? He's not really been open about her so who knows. He probably had a few girls on the go, so to speak, but I can't be mad at him for that, as he made it clear (at the very beginning) that he didn't want a girlfriend etc. So yeah, all very complicated! Blah.

I'm going to see him for 4 days straight now - god help me! :scared15:

Charlotteee89

25-05-14, 20:32

Just more rambling, excuse me. :)

I don't normally work Sunday's but today I did as a shift swap as I want to go out next weekend. I was feeling pretty anxious over getting up early & seeing the guy from work as it's been a week today since we properly spoke last (via text, in person this week we've exchanged "Alright?" "Heeeeya!" at work) & I didn't know whether he'd even care that I was in.

I'm not sure whether he saw me whilst I was serving a customer as I wasn't looking in his direction too much but I was very aware he was near by. If it wasn't then, then he saw me first whilst on my break, he walked right infront of where I was sitting to go sit with his mate & we exchanged awkward looks but no smiles or anything, I always feel awkward smiling at him first incase he doesn't smile back! But I think that makes him feel a bit awkward as in the past when I have smiled first (or at least looked friendly) he's then been pleasant to me so I reckon I don't help matters with my very blank semi-moody facial expressions - oops! Then when I walked past him to go back down to the shop floor we both looked at eachother but again nothing, just looks. Then I kept seeing him near me & we again kept exchanging glances & catching eachother glancing at eachother... Kinda awkward! My friend at work said that it is significant that he even does look/glance at me in the first place as he's arrogant at work, he wouldn't do that with everyone! Hmmmm.

I miss talking to him, I'm not going to lie! I don't want to text him first but I just don't think he will... I don't know whether my unintentional un-friendly looks today would put him off. :wacko:

My anxiety has been playing up aswell, I've had quite a few obsessive thoughts, probably brought on by the stress of my guy-at-work-situation! :doh:

Ah wellllllll!

Oosh

26-05-14, 12:52

Aw I really feel for you. I know how hard it is.

A long time ago when I was trapped in my bedroom as a teen about as lonely as anyone can be, reeling from my first panic attack, thinking I was going crazy I was barely getting through the day. I'd sit on my bed in my room.
One day I noticed in the bedroom of the house across the street there would be a girl looking at me. I'd gone from hiding under a rock to someone noticing I existed and showing me attention.
I had a sort of thing with her and it turned into nothing.
I cannot describe to you how painful it was after that went away.

You go from living alone in the dark to someone shining a light on you and giving you positive attention.
If the light turns out, if they shine it on someone else it's devastating.

She lived in the house across the road ! I had to hear/see her going out every day.

Part of you looks for signs that the attention will come back, looking for any glimpse, a signal. "I wonder did that mean she misses me" "is that song because of me". Agony.

I lived in that agony for at least a year.

After that I actively took steps to meet other females.
I found one and moved in with her.

Now that I look back at that girl, I didn't like her, I didn't fancy her, I didn't want to sleep with her. And I'd be horrified if I ended up settling down with and having children etc
It was just attention when I was deprived of any.

You say you have not had man problems to worry about for a long time. This nice lad comes along and gives you positive attention. All of your bodies reward systems fire up and you feel like youre alive again. When it's gone it's greatly missed because it's some welcome positive attention where before there was none.

The lesson this should teach you is you need attention from someone like this.
You can keep your eye on him if you like, be your best and see if his interest comes back. But don't put your life on hold for him. Don't spend your days living in hope and watching for signals like it's the only source of positive attention for you in the world.

You actively need to start looking for other interest from males (or females if you're that way inclined) like him. You need to know who else is out there to shift your focus off him and onto them.

When you find one and your attention in him is reciprocated you'll light up like a light bulb again and you'll understand what I've been saying. You won't believe it until you see him and think "wow he's gorgeous" and see he's replying and liking you back.

It may be hard, you might be scared, you might want Zac Efron at work there, but if you go through the motions you'll see there are three or four more Zac Efrons there in your town or the next town who are a bit shy and ARE looking for charlotte1989 to worship and spoil and all the rest of it.

Just go on the sites, just set up the profiles, just search through potential matches and I'm sure you'll start to find other lads who will take your attention off Zac there. (Apologies if you don't fancy Zac Efron)

Got to get your mind off him or everyday will be spent saying "I wonder if he walked through because I'm there. I wonder if he dropped his pencil so I'd look" etc etc

I know you like him. You're obsessing over him. But you really do have to focus elsewhere.

Other than that you sound ok. Lots of self monitoring going on. Little bit of fearing anxiety taking over and losing control. But more than anything I just hear normal "boys" stuff and that's normal for your situation.

An absence of anything else special going on in your life is causing you to obsess over him.

Maybe he'll come calling one day, great, but meanwhile, be your best and look at what else is around.

I know its hard and you're obsessing over him and it's going round and round in your head so if you need to keep rambling, ramble away.

Take action ! All new good things happen because at some point you get tired of the same old sh** and take action !

How cr** is your life going to be if you don't ?

Charlotteee89

26-05-14, 20:49

Veeeeery interesting post!

I've had male attention from guys at work before but they weren't my type & omg it was & still is very awkward with them! I feel so bad for them but I have to try & not think about it.

I think this time, because it was actually a guy I thought was good-looking & in my opinion could be 'something' I got on the bandwagon. It's not a bad thing liking male attention from a guy you're attracted too. & Of course it doesn't help that for so long I didn't really know what was going on with us. I think that in itself can be so frustrating - all those mixed messages!

At the moment I'm just frustrated with it all, I do want us to be friends but because I'm so naturally analytical & observant I can't help but delve into it more wondering what on earth is going on & what he's thinking. We used to talk all the time, that I miss. I hate not knowing where I stand with someone.

I'm not particularly 'looking' for another guy's attention, I don't think that's a good idea, don't want to be dependent on it or needy. It will happen when it happens. I need to spread my wings a bit, I can't just rely on work to give me a lovely guy!

My anxiety with loneliness & having no friends is doing my head in a bit today! For some reason my anxiety is not happy about me 'sharing' other friends of mine, I think I'm just being sensitive. My close friend from work's best friend who lives away is coming to hers this weekend & I've been invited to my friends before town & I was hoping to invite her, so I have, but I feel awkward as her friend who I've never met might be coming too, I'm feeling a bit second best & awkward. I kinda had this whole plan in my head before I knew her friend was definitely coming. I'm feeling a bit like I'd be a third wheel or something. It's so ridiculous. I'm annoyed with these thoughts! Why can't I be happy that I'm going to be meeting a new person rather than feel jealous? :wacko:

Oosh

26-05-14, 21:38

That's weird because I used to always be like that growing up. I'd be with a mate and he'd see some friends he knew and I never liked it and would always want to drag him off so he was just with me. While they were around I'd feel less comfortable.

I'd do it with their parents too when round at their house.
"Nooo don't sit in there with them, come in the other roommmm!"

That was all just shyness though. Shyness with strangers.

Charlotteee89

26-05-14, 21:55

'Shyness with strangers' that's probably it!

I don't want to feel too attached to my friend at work but with my anxiety playing up I feel more happy & relaxed around people who make me feel that way, I almost latch on to them for comfort & happiness. I've always been very independent so it annoys me that I can't feel happy when I'm alone or that I'm constantly craving company with people who make me feel 'less stressed' :wacko: I suppose the idea of meeting her friend who's she's obviously close to is making me feel uncomfortable as I don't want to feel 'less important' or really anxious & nervous. I want to feel relaxed & content.

Another friend at work uploaded a pic of them both on FB & when I saw it I felt really jealous & thought "Uh no, she's mine!" which annoyed me, she's not 'mine' oh my gosh! :doh: Bloomin' obsessional thinking! :mad:

Because of my obsessive thinking about loneliness & having no friends I suppose I would feel like that wouldn't I? It's all linked. It's almost like I'm constantly trying to prove to myself that I do have friends & people do care about me! & As soon as something happens that makes me think oh maybe not that makes me feel really crappy.

Oosh

26-05-14, 22:23

"it annoys me that I can't feel happy when I'm alone or that I'm constantly craving company with people who make me feel 'less stressed' "

I don't think that's a bad thing. That's what company's for. You enjoy company. That's good.

I don't think there's anything obsessional about valuing your mates friendship either. Last thing you want to see is your good friend running off with a new friend and forgetting about your friendship. So seeing them with another good friend bothers you a bit. Teeny bit of insecurity, normal.

"Because of my obsessive thinking about loneliness & having no friends I suppose I would feel like that wouldn't I? "

Yes :]

It's completely normal to feel liked and valued by others. And normal for it to bother you if you're worrying they don't. We all need people.

But you sound like you have a lot going for you.
You enjoy company of friends and people that you like. You clearly do have friends there. Even Zac Efron there was friends with you.
Everything sounds in the right place to me.

Instead of being jealous of this mates mate, try making her into another mate by looking for things about her you like. It's weird, all of a sudden you start seeing the friend in them and liking them.
I thnk my default is to be a bit cynical about people so when I do this I end up thinking "do you know what, I think I quite like him. I'd like him as a mate" all because I looked at what I could like about him.

Go out with them both and have a great time. Find some more Zac Efronnns :]