clevername
13-05-14, 16:00
I have had generalized anxiety since middle school. I worried about everything I couldn't control. Mostly about people. I would be paranoid about what people could do. Almost a year ago, I developed a new anxiety: health anxiety :( This one is a monster I can't control at all.
I volunteered before for two years at a wildlife rehab center. It was the happiest/best anxiety distractor of my life. Until I got bit by a squirrel that wouldn't let go, he eventually did and he was released, he had been with us for months. My dad mentioned rabies, and I was a bit started but let it go. Months later I was accidentally scratched by a baby bobcat that was brought in. I found out it wasn't rabies vaccinated, and thus my obsession began. I didn't go to the doctor because I didn't want them to put down the baby bobcat. This was a year ago. He is still alive and happy, and rabies free (vaccinated now in fact). But I can't stop obsessing over rabies. My mind goes back to all the other wildlife I encountered, and how the ones I could handle (ones that weren't rabies vector) could still in rare cases have rabies (heck, even horses can have rabies). I stopped volunteering and working with animals, which was the one thing I loved doing.
I obsess and obsess over how I feel, I go back and think about the day I encountered the cat and how another one came in after I left that did die of malnutrition -they say most likely- and think what if they got the one that died and the one I handled mixed up and it actually died of rabies. Looking it up, there has only been one bobcat with rabies in my area and that was years ago. It is mostly skunks here. I think back to when I worked in vet clinics, I was bitten by feral cats and the doctors just shrugged it off and said rabies is rare in cats. So I worry I could get it from that, since some sources I read say rabies can take years to surface. I wake up every day wondering what will happen today to remind me of rabies. A year later and I still obsess over it. I go weeks where it is mild, but then I get a symptom of something or hear on the radio about a rabies clinic and I start obsessing worse again and make myself physically sick.
Read about how itching or a sore arm was a symptom in one rabies case? My arm starts itching and hurting. I obsess over everything I feel. I have talked to my doctor about it and she laughed it off saying I don't have rabies. It was hard for me to tell her about it, because I don't want to get anyone in trouble. I just have this belief that I will die of something awful, and rabies would be ironic.
So I think to the future, will I never ever let this go? I have thought about going and getting the shot, even though I can't afford it, but I know I will still worry I waited too late and it will hit me later.
This intense worry session started when I got a very sore throat two weeks ago, I was immensely tired and weak, and my lymph node on my neck was swollen (this after I was obsessing about my arm itching after reading about it). My whole body hurt and my neck was stiff. My doctor said it was probably mono or strep. I expressed my rabies concerns again and they said they could run some blood work to see if I was fighting off something major... she called me and said my neutrophils were high so it was probably bacterial, so strep...and gave me antibiotics. I took them as directed. Today, weeks later, my throat still hurts. I am not weak or tired or sore anymore, my tonsils are just swollen and it is hard to swallow (which worries me about rabies). My appetite is dwindling to nothing, and my depression is getting worse. It interferes with my daily life. I just want to crawl into bed with a bottle of wine and drink until I don't feel worry anymore. Drinking has become my way of coping, especially in the beginning. Head hurts? I will prove it is all in my head! Have a couple of drinks and the headache is gone, see? Thanks alcohol! until the morning when I am hungover worrying those are symptoms of something else and my anxiety comes back.
So in my head, I have rationalized it as allergies...thrush from the antibiotics...or mono....or anxiety. I wish I had a new doctor who understood better. I don't feel like I can talk to her without feeling judged. I know I am crazy, I don't need you to look at me like I am. She did help me start taking zoloft again, which helped a ton... but it caused twitching. She switched me to Lexapro, but that caused me to be angry all of the time and I ended up giving up on meds all together. Now she wants me to take Prozac, but I don't know. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to be worrying about this until the day I die and look back and realize I missed my entire life because of my anxiety.
I just want to be normal. I want to have a cold without thinking it is rabies. I want to itch my arm without thinking it is lymphoma or rabies. I want to fall in love, be happy with my life, and accomplish things. I am so tired of obsessing about death. I obsess about washing my hands to not pass along rabies if I have it to people I love.
I don't really know what the point of this post is. I am not really asking a question, I guess my state of mind right now is a panic attack so I am just pouring out my feelings. My mind tends to race during these times so this may not be the most coherent post. I am most afraid if I stop worrying, then the 'bad' thing will happen. The moment I 'let it go', it will happen. So it almost becomes an OCD ritual of worry to prevent it from happening.
So... if you are reading this because you found it searching for 'obsessed with rabies' sorry if this triggered anything.
I volunteered before for two years at a wildlife rehab center. It was the happiest/best anxiety distractor of my life. Until I got bit by a squirrel that wouldn't let go, he eventually did and he was released, he had been with us for months. My dad mentioned rabies, and I was a bit started but let it go. Months later I was accidentally scratched by a baby bobcat that was brought in. I found out it wasn't rabies vaccinated, and thus my obsession began. I didn't go to the doctor because I didn't want them to put down the baby bobcat. This was a year ago. He is still alive and happy, and rabies free (vaccinated now in fact). But I can't stop obsessing over rabies. My mind goes back to all the other wildlife I encountered, and how the ones I could handle (ones that weren't rabies vector) could still in rare cases have rabies (heck, even horses can have rabies). I stopped volunteering and working with animals, which was the one thing I loved doing.
I obsess and obsess over how I feel, I go back and think about the day I encountered the cat and how another one came in after I left that did die of malnutrition -they say most likely- and think what if they got the one that died and the one I handled mixed up and it actually died of rabies. Looking it up, there has only been one bobcat with rabies in my area and that was years ago. It is mostly skunks here. I think back to when I worked in vet clinics, I was bitten by feral cats and the doctors just shrugged it off and said rabies is rare in cats. So I worry I could get it from that, since some sources I read say rabies can take years to surface. I wake up every day wondering what will happen today to remind me of rabies. A year later and I still obsess over it. I go weeks where it is mild, but then I get a symptom of something or hear on the radio about a rabies clinic and I start obsessing worse again and make myself physically sick.
Read about how itching or a sore arm was a symptom in one rabies case? My arm starts itching and hurting. I obsess over everything I feel. I have talked to my doctor about it and she laughed it off saying I don't have rabies. It was hard for me to tell her about it, because I don't want to get anyone in trouble. I just have this belief that I will die of something awful, and rabies would be ironic.
So I think to the future, will I never ever let this go? I have thought about going and getting the shot, even though I can't afford it, but I know I will still worry I waited too late and it will hit me later.
This intense worry session started when I got a very sore throat two weeks ago, I was immensely tired and weak, and my lymph node on my neck was swollen (this after I was obsessing about my arm itching after reading about it). My whole body hurt and my neck was stiff. My doctor said it was probably mono or strep. I expressed my rabies concerns again and they said they could run some blood work to see if I was fighting off something major... she called me and said my neutrophils were high so it was probably bacterial, so strep...and gave me antibiotics. I took them as directed. Today, weeks later, my throat still hurts. I am not weak or tired or sore anymore, my tonsils are just swollen and it is hard to swallow (which worries me about rabies). My appetite is dwindling to nothing, and my depression is getting worse. It interferes with my daily life. I just want to crawl into bed with a bottle of wine and drink until I don't feel worry anymore. Drinking has become my way of coping, especially in the beginning. Head hurts? I will prove it is all in my head! Have a couple of drinks and the headache is gone, see? Thanks alcohol! until the morning when I am hungover worrying those are symptoms of something else and my anxiety comes back.
So in my head, I have rationalized it as allergies...thrush from the antibiotics...or mono....or anxiety. I wish I had a new doctor who understood better. I don't feel like I can talk to her without feeling judged. I know I am crazy, I don't need you to look at me like I am. She did help me start taking zoloft again, which helped a ton... but it caused twitching. She switched me to Lexapro, but that caused me to be angry all of the time and I ended up giving up on meds all together. Now she wants me to take Prozac, but I don't know. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to be worrying about this until the day I die and look back and realize I missed my entire life because of my anxiety.
I just want to be normal. I want to have a cold without thinking it is rabies. I want to itch my arm without thinking it is lymphoma or rabies. I want to fall in love, be happy with my life, and accomplish things. I am so tired of obsessing about death. I obsess about washing my hands to not pass along rabies if I have it to people I love.
I don't really know what the point of this post is. I am not really asking a question, I guess my state of mind right now is a panic attack so I am just pouring out my feelings. My mind tends to race during these times so this may not be the most coherent post. I am most afraid if I stop worrying, then the 'bad' thing will happen. The moment I 'let it go', it will happen. So it almost becomes an OCD ritual of worry to prevent it from happening.
So... if you are reading this because you found it searching for 'obsessed with rabies' sorry if this triggered anything.