NicoletteCB
14-05-14, 19:44
I want to sincerely apologize if this is a long post, it's my first time posting on this website and I am (forgive me) but a bit of a mess. I want to start of by just including some basic information: I am a 16 year old girl and I have had an obsessive thought problem/OCD problems for the past 4-6 years of my life. I have another fear I cannot control, the fear of health problems and vomiting. But, I am not posting here about that.
I want to start off by acknowledging that my sexuality is a big part of my life, it's my favorite thing about myself and very important to me because I struggled to accept myself for so long. You guessed it, I'm gay. Until two months ago I was so confident and filled with energy and happiness regarding my sexuality, I had a girlfriend and very high libido (tmi, sorry) and everything in my life was amazing. And then...this "demon" attacked me. For some weird reason I developed the fear that I did not love my gf enough or that since we were in a long distance relationship I was afraid that if we ever met then perhaps our "chemistry" wouldn't be compatible in real life and this was one of my greatest fears, I loved her so much. I started to lowkey obsess over these fears until suddenly I got the thought in my head, " Oh my god what if I'm not even gay!" and that was pretty much the first seed of this poisonous plant planted in my brain. My gf broke up with me and I was depressed and unhappy but I sprung up from my feet quickly and began flirting with other girls online and for a few weeks I was actually very happy and lighthearted again, the fear was gone! And then I began to seriously chat with another girl who I really, really liked and suddenly this thing came back to haunt me. " What if you don't really like her enough," and other intrusive thoughts racked my brain but for the first few weeks I was very confident and fought them off.
Overtime though they've added up and up and I'm going to therapy now but in between therapy I feel dead. I want to add that I wasn't always sure of my sexuality or had no idea I was gay till a year ago, I fell in love with a friend of mine who was a girl, and I mean DEEPLY in love and it was euphoric and amazing and felt "right" to me, so since her I've been so interested in girls you wouldn't believe. Before that though at 13 I had a sorta sexual experience with two lesbians online that I fondly remember enjoying. Anyway, I didn't "always" know my sexuality, it sort of bloomed in me overtime. I used to be really interested in boys sexually and romantically but I just don't care anymore because it seems as I've accepted myself more and more I don't care about boys. If you're spiking reading this right now though I'll say that if you're fighting against the attraction for months chances are you do have HOCD and not really gay since when I fell in love with my friend it was euphoric and romantic and sexual and I was never afraid, so please don't let reading this spike you.
Anyway, I did have a weird bisexual or hetero past, I never even started analyzing my childhood or past feelings for boys in such depth until this OCD attacked me and now I can't stop worrying that those few crushes I had on boys are "signs" that I'm actually bisexual or straight. I can't be either of those things because I know I am not. I would much rather kill myself or remain celibate for life than be straight, I have nothing against straight people but this is not me.
I've been obsessing so badly when I leave the house I "check" to make sure I'm attracted or unattractive to people, constantly question myself, I get uncomfortable when I see images of straight couples kissing or being intimate, constantly looking for reassurance online, I get crazy intrusive thoughts in my head that I can't control, I feel so depressed and sick, watching straight porn to see if I am aroused and getting massive spikes, and googling pictures of attractive men to see if I like them.
I don't know what to do, I f*** hate this I am so mad and upset at myself. I have the most intense fear that this past year of my liking girls has been fake or some hormone crazy phase and now I'm being forced to change back to just liking guys and I want to die because I don't want to.
When I'm not anxious or obsessing, I feel calm and happy and pretty gay but once I get these intrusive thoughts in my mind all I can do is worry that maybe I'm bi or straight in denial or something or that maybe I'm straight and I can't change my sexuality and it drives me bananas.
I want to start off by acknowledging that my sexuality is a big part of my life, it's my favorite thing about myself and very important to me because I struggled to accept myself for so long. You guessed it, I'm gay. Until two months ago I was so confident and filled with energy and happiness regarding my sexuality, I had a girlfriend and very high libido (tmi, sorry) and everything in my life was amazing. And then...this "demon" attacked me. For some weird reason I developed the fear that I did not love my gf enough or that since we were in a long distance relationship I was afraid that if we ever met then perhaps our "chemistry" wouldn't be compatible in real life and this was one of my greatest fears, I loved her so much. I started to lowkey obsess over these fears until suddenly I got the thought in my head, " Oh my god what if I'm not even gay!" and that was pretty much the first seed of this poisonous plant planted in my brain. My gf broke up with me and I was depressed and unhappy but I sprung up from my feet quickly and began flirting with other girls online and for a few weeks I was actually very happy and lighthearted again, the fear was gone! And then I began to seriously chat with another girl who I really, really liked and suddenly this thing came back to haunt me. " What if you don't really like her enough," and other intrusive thoughts racked my brain but for the first few weeks I was very confident and fought them off.
Overtime though they've added up and up and I'm going to therapy now but in between therapy I feel dead. I want to add that I wasn't always sure of my sexuality or had no idea I was gay till a year ago, I fell in love with a friend of mine who was a girl, and I mean DEEPLY in love and it was euphoric and amazing and felt "right" to me, so since her I've been so interested in girls you wouldn't believe. Before that though at 13 I had a sorta sexual experience with two lesbians online that I fondly remember enjoying. Anyway, I didn't "always" know my sexuality, it sort of bloomed in me overtime. I used to be really interested in boys sexually and romantically but I just don't care anymore because it seems as I've accepted myself more and more I don't care about boys. If you're spiking reading this right now though I'll say that if you're fighting against the attraction for months chances are you do have HOCD and not really gay since when I fell in love with my friend it was euphoric and romantic and sexual and I was never afraid, so please don't let reading this spike you.
Anyway, I did have a weird bisexual or hetero past, I never even started analyzing my childhood or past feelings for boys in such depth until this OCD attacked me and now I can't stop worrying that those few crushes I had on boys are "signs" that I'm actually bisexual or straight. I can't be either of those things because I know I am not. I would much rather kill myself or remain celibate for life than be straight, I have nothing against straight people but this is not me.
I've been obsessing so badly when I leave the house I "check" to make sure I'm attracted or unattractive to people, constantly question myself, I get uncomfortable when I see images of straight couples kissing or being intimate, constantly looking for reassurance online, I get crazy intrusive thoughts in my head that I can't control, I feel so depressed and sick, watching straight porn to see if I am aroused and getting massive spikes, and googling pictures of attractive men to see if I like them.
I don't know what to do, I f*** hate this I am so mad and upset at myself. I have the most intense fear that this past year of my liking girls has been fake or some hormone crazy phase and now I'm being forced to change back to just liking guys and I want to die because I don't want to.
When I'm not anxious or obsessing, I feel calm and happy and pretty gay but once I get these intrusive thoughts in my mind all I can do is worry that maybe I'm bi or straight in denial or something or that maybe I'm straight and I can't change my sexuality and it drives me bananas.