Dissociation

[squirreltrees]

I've never written on a forum like this before... I suppose I wanted to feel like someone was listening. Possibly even someone who actually understands what this feels like.

For the past two months I have been in a constant state of derealisation (dissociation). I feel like every moment of my life is a dream, and that I am merely observing it through a TV screen. I struggle to recognise myself in a mirror, and memories don't feel like they are mine. They belong to someone else. I am not living my life, but someone else is living it for me.

At first I was sure that I was going insane. The voices in my head were building and I felt totally out of control, with visual distortions and dizziness making it even worse. Then I was diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder. The worry in my brain had caused a defence to come into play, and in trying to protect itself it ended up putting me in a constant state of dissociation. Even having studied anxiety disorders as part of my uni degree, I had never known that this was a possible symptom.

I am coming to the end of an extremely stressful PGCE course... the fact that I have made it into school every day since this started still baffles me. The end is in sight and I'm hoping that once I have time, I will be able to put more focus on relaxation and trying to get better. At the moment though, imagining the feeling of being connected with the world again is impossible. I'm so scared that it will never go away, and I will never get to live my life again.

I hate what this anxiety is doing to me. I feel totally depressed and exhausted all the time. Why can't there be a quick fix?!

[crystal17]

I feel for you, that is not easy to deal with. You sound intelligent and like you have good self awareness, hopefully one day you can take all this and use it to help others, and then it will all have been worth something. That is the only fix I know of.

[Worrier13]

I'm exactly the same:(

[DavidJames]

Hi I feel the same sometimes and sometimes it lasts for days, sometimes weeks and rarely months.

It's a horrible bleak feeling I know.

What I can tell you with reassurance is that it *will* go away. So hopefully that is one less worry.

My worst one was brought on by extreme stress and I, like you was terrified of never feeling normal again. Maybe yours are brought on by your studies?

You'll start to notice the symptoms subsiding and coming back to Earth more and more each day after a while. Then one day you'll wake and remember half way through a morning shower or something that you had a detachment disorder but it's not there any more!

It's slow but you will come back to Earth I promise :-)

In the mean time has the doctor put you on any medication to help? Have you tried Quetiapine along with antidepressants and diazipam to help at the worst times?

I take for my personality disorder; Sertaline, Quetiapine, Lorazipam, Beta Blockers and Pregabalin and it seems to be working for the best part along with the knowledge that when I feel 'detached' it won't last forever and I'll soon be back to normal.

Hope that's offered some reassurance for you.
Dave

[squirreltrees]

Hi all, thank you so much for your responses. I've been off the radar a bit recently as I've been really busy with work, but it's been so nice to see your reassuring comments.
Dave, I think that it is definitely possible that it's my studies that have brought it all on. I have less than a month now till they are over so I'm hoping that after that I might start to get back to normal. It's really made me feel better to hear that it does go away.
The doctor has given me beta-blockers which do help me relax a bit. I'm hesitant to try anti-depressants as I know that they can take some time to work... and by that time the course will be over! I think I will see how I go without them and then if I'm still no back to Earth a while after the stress is gone, I will think about next steps there.
Thanks again guys, really!