skeeterbug
04-08-04, 05:04
I am 23 years old, have been married for 5 years, and have a 13 month old baby boy. I guess it started in school when I hit about 7th-8th grade. I started to get really nervous about going to classes. I would almost die when I had to get up and do a speech or read something. I started getting these weird kind of attacks just sitting in class. I would always try and sit by the door incase I needed to get out of there. The thing was I always thought I was going to throw-up. I would get so nervous that I was going to puke that I would start sweating, shaking, blurred vision, very hot feeling, and then when I could not take it anymore I would get up and ask the teachers if I could go to the office to go home. As soon as I left the class I would feel fine. Also my stomach would always hurt because of the high anxiety I was feeling. My mom took me from doctor to doctor about my stomach problems but they never gave us a answer on what was wrong. I never admitted that I was scared that I would throw-up in class. 9th grade was the same and then the next year 10th grade I decided I would be homeschooled. I wanted to get married as soon as possible and my parents said I had to graduate first. I did the next 3 years of school in one year. I got married when I was 17. I can't believe that I was so young now. The feeling of being scared of throwing up continued when we would go on a trip with friends in there car and I would actually bring a cup in the car with me incase I had to throw-up. What is funny though I never once one time threw-up all of the times I was for sure I would. I never felt that sickness if I was just with my husband. After a couple of years the feeling of puking kind of went away. I was not scared anymore. Now I am to the part of my huge fear I feel now. I am so so scared to drive a car. I never got my license in school because I got homeschooled and then got married right away. I guess I could have got it the last year I was in school but I was not to interested in it. I drove a little bit with my parents but it was always on private dirt back roads at the camp they live at. Not much traffic of any kind there. When I got married we did not have a car for about 8 months. After that we got a van but my husband just tuned 18 and went to get his license and he just drove all of the time. That was more than fine with me. When I even ride in the car and we are going through heavy traffic or close to another car I feel like I can't breath and I want to just get out of the town. So I put off getting a drivers permit till now at the age of 23 I have just gotten my permit. I have only driven 2 times on the real road and I was so unbelievably shaken and scared. I actually passed a cop but nothing happened. There was no cars in front or in back of me either time. I do not know what to do. I am scared that I will hit someone, kill myself, baby, husband, or someone else if I am behind the driver seat. I really want to drive. I feel like such a loser that I can't drive. I cry all of the time because of it and it seems like all I think about. I do not have a job so I feel like a loser for that to that I never went to college or tried to pursue a career in anything. Actually I have never had a job. You kind of have to drive to work. Ha Ha. My husband said that it is fine that I do not work excpesially that we have a baby now. I just stay home and take care of him. My driving situation is my worst situation but I also feel very depressed about my life. I feel very bad that I have to depend on my husband to drive everywhere, I feel very bad about my body after having my son, and I think I am ugly and am not sure why my husband would want to be with me. I have never been to the doctor for my problems or have been on any meds. I think about suicide a lot but could never do that to my baby. I love him so much and on the other hand he stresses me out so bad everyday I don't know what to do. I could have had the chance to drive on the road again when there was not a lot of traffic but for 3 days in a row when my husband asked if I wante