HIV hysteria. Please help me.

[googler192]

I don't know what else to do. I'm so anxious and scared and basically just completely at a loss. No judgement please, what's done is done and i can't undo it as much as i would love to. I'm aware that i've made a stupid mistake and i hate myself.

I'm a 21 year old single female student in my final year of studying psychology.

A week ago i slept with a white british man (22 years old) that i've slept with about 4 times before but this time it was unprotected. I know that this was such a stupid thing to do but he told me that i needed to trust him. he said that he was clear and he wouldn't sleep with me if he knew he wasn't.

I have health anxiety and it focuses on a severe phobia of contracting HIV. I've had two tests before and i've always had clear results but now i am absolutely terrified and convinced that because i slept with him unprotected that i will have caught HIV.

My fear goes as far as planning what i'm going to do when i get the positive test result. I have taken the time to plan what i'm going to say to my parents when i get my positive result. I'm so scared. My cousin and my housemates offer me reassurance and sometimes i can look at it completely objectively and rationally but when im being irrational its crippling. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't even get out of bed because i know that i have to face it again.


I don't have any symptoms but i got a sore throat the other day and now i think that it could be some kind of symptom (i've done enough googling to last me a lifetime)

I have previously had person centred counselling to try and combat my fear and I have googled every possible outcome. I'm so mad that ive got myself in this position two weeks before i go on the holiday of a lifetime with my family. I know that this is going to be on my mind for the duration of the trip but i can't tell my family what is really worrying me because my parents don't know that i'm not a virgin so they will be severely disappointed at my lack of care and consideration. I can't get tested until mid holiday because it wont be a month since possible exposure until then.

I know i shouldnt have done it but i wanted to show him that i trust him. I thought i'd gotten over this. Obviously not.

Any advice or others experience would be greatly appreciated. I am terrified. Please someone just help me.

[Katie_cupcakes]

Been there, got the T-shirt. I was so convinced I had it that I had loads of symptoms of it, right up until I got my negative result, then the symptoms disappeared.
Although possible, its unlikely..especially from someone as young as 22 that you would have contracted it. Even if he has got it, its still not that easy to catch.
Also remember, hiv is no longer the death sentence it used to be. It can be very well managed these days and most live long, normal lives.
Having said that, its unlikely you have it, so try not to worry

[Fishmanpa]

You've been intimate several times already and it appears to me that he cares for you. A guy doesn't say something like that unless he has feelings for you. It wasn't just because he didn't want to use a condom it was because he wanted to feel closer to you. At least that's my take on it as a man.

That and he was reassuring you that he was clean. He wouldn't have done that just to not wear a condom. What would that say about this man's character? If you like this man, I would keep this fear to yourself as him knowing you're freaking about him giving you HIV will throw a wrench into the gears.

Positive thoughts

[googler192]

Thank you so much for the replies. I was honestly beginning to think that people thought that i had no hope.

I have a doctors appointment in the morning and i plan on going to GUM to see what they can do for me. I've also arranged an introductory CBT session on Friday afternoon - i really am doing everything in my power to help myself. I can't carry on like this. I'm making myself poorly now with worry. I'm having quite a rational day today and I can look at things more objectively. Although theres always the nagging voice in my head that says "what if you're being too relaxed today.. after all, someone somewhere has to have HIV so it could be you". Then its a vicious circle.

I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply to me. It means a lot knowing that im not on my own and this seems to be the only way i can get things off my chest.

Ive mentioned it to him in the past about my anxiety and he was very supportive and got me involved in the counselling in the first place.

Thank you again, both you you.

Many many best wishes!

[AlexandriaUK]

From the womans point of view I would agree with fish, he has worn protection on previous occassions so he is not a bad person and obviously cares for you and I agree at 22 It woudnt be unheard of but I think that if he uses protection with you then he has probably used protection with any other close partners.
Try not to worry chances are very very slim that you would catch It any way,you woudnt be sleeping with him if you didn't care so enjoy while you are young

[googler192]

I am praying that that is the case, everytime i think about it all i can see is my mums face after i tell her. I know how devastated she would be. But i am hoping for some kind of miracle that it will not come to that.

Thank you so much for your kind words of support. It is appreciated more than you know.

[Worried 24/7]

I understand your worries. I recently had an hiv test done and it was negative but part of me worries it could be wrong still.... I have a really bad std fear and I'm also somewhat germaphobic. But it's true that even if he did have it it would be highly unlikely you contacted it

[googler192]

It is so reassuring to know that i'm not alone, i have a major STD fear too. So much so that i don't want to have sex again for fear of this happening again. Hopefully the counselling should help. I hope you find relief and reassurance in your test results. You're not alone.

[googler192]

Currently sat in the clinic waiting for my appointment. Don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm not even in the window period for testing so I don't know why I'm even here. Hopefully they will provide me with some advice. Hope everyone is doing okay today.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.