Death phobia is ruining my life! Help!

[UnknownUser]

I have a huge fear of death and not existing anymore. I have suffered from this before, when I was about 12, and then it went away for many years. Now I am 25 and it's come back full swing :(

Every morning I wake up and I imagine my own death. I imagine myself old, with no time left, nobody can help me, and everyone is just waiting for me to die...then I'm gone, switched off like a light, nothingness. It horrifies me to the point where I am shaking and nauseous. Then I think that this new day means I am one day closer to the end of my life. It's also one day closer to the end of my loved ones' lives. I have to keep checking Facebook to see that my grandparents are still ok because I live abroad. It's absolutely horrifying to go through this every single day. I break down crying to my boyfriend begging him not to die and not to stop existing, he's amazing for putting up with this. I am struggling to function like this, it's been going on for over a month. Whenever I am alone without any distractions the death thoughts come back, like they're intrusive, it's resulted in me being afraid of being in the shower for example...for the past few days I have had my boyfriend come with me and that helped a lot, but when he is at work I am alone :(. I haven't worked for a month because of my anxiety.

I'm on medication (20mg citalopram for four weeks now, and I have some benzo pills). Therapy is not an option for me because I simply cannot afford it :( there are not many free options, especially for a foreigner as I live abroad. Because I can't afford therapy I have looked up advice online but that only makes me worse. I see things like "don't dwell on death, it happens to everyone"...great, if I could stop dwelling on it then I wouldn't be in this mess! And "Oh it'll be just like before you were born...was that so bad?"...yes! It would be awful to go back to not existing, that is exactly what I am scared of!

This is getting longer than I intended. Ï wonder if anyone has ever overcome severe death anxiety? Because I feel like it's an unsolvable fear and I feel doomed. All the "advice" just gives me panic attacks. I hope science can make me live longer so I can make up for the days I am wasting over this fear. Often I wish I had never been born purely so that I would never have to know death, because if we just die and that's it then everything is utterly pointless. I feel like the only reason I am not totally insane is because I am agnostic rather than atheist, if I knew with 100% certainty that there was nothing after death I think I would completely break. I'm really scared! Am I a lost cause? :(

[sophrbk]

Hey, just seen your post and think I might be able to help!

I absolutely know how you feel, and you're not a lost cause - I promise. Sure, it's an unsolvable problem but it's definitely not an unsolvable fear. I've been through a similar thing and thought I'd never look forward to or enjoy anything again, but now I'm super excited for the future and am enjoying loads of things :)

I've been struggling with the exact same thing since about the beginning of March, and similarly to you it's something that's popped up really frequently since I was a kid. Recently it reappeared and took over because I had so much change in my life - I graduated from University, moved home, got a new job etc. I've been on Sertraline and have been having therapy since then and I can't even tell you how much better I'm feeling.

Therapy has helped massively, but I'd be happy to pass on what my counsellor has shared with me if you think it will help! I know how difficult all this is. I'd find a new scary way of thinking about death every day to the point where, like you, I'd just be crying at my boyfriend! I'm lucky though as, even though he's an atheist, he isn't bothered at all - I'm always firing questions at him about why he sees it as something not to worry about haha.

A good thing to start with is this thought exercise. Every time you think a negative thought about death, counter it with a 'yes but...' and a reason why you can see that thing in a different light. It'll feel really artificial at first but really helps. I also found it useful to write these down in a journal so that I could look back on them when I had similar thoughts.

For example, I'd think 'It breaks my heart that one day I have to lose my boyfriend,' but say to myself 'yes but I'm extremely lucky to have found someone like him, so should make the most of our time together'.

If you want some more bits of advice drop me a message or reply - I've got loads! Would love to be able to help because I know how horribly painful this is, especially the way that half the time the advice people give you that ought to be comforting can make things feel more scary!

SUMMARY (because I've rambled on): I've been through (and am continuing to go through) this and I'm happy to help :)

---------- Post added at 12:58 ---------- Previous post was at 12:56 ----------

Also, the bit where you say 'yes! It would be awful to go back to not existing, that is exactly what I am scared of!'

I thought it'd be comforting for you to know that's exactly how I feel - but I'm totally working with it and am turning things around. Something I found scary when I was searching for answers was the way that people seemed to think differently about it than I did, so I thought that the only reason they weren't scared is because they 'didn't understand'!

[natperez89]

I know exactly how you feel I've been like this since late January and everyday I am so scared I even started feeling like I was in a dream horrible horrible... But its getting better people tell me I just gave to find things that make me happy BT its so hard cause I can't enjoy much I'm scared to look forward to anything because I'm like what if I'm not here to enjoy... I have waisted to much time being scared it sucks but it is slowly getting better I pray all the time and ask god to help me to give me peace to take all fear away to help me enjoy life like I used to.

[Rach29]

I have this phobia too its so horrible to live with ive had it on off since I was 8 when my Grandad died ive been scared of death since its gotten worse tge last few years thinking about it can send me in a bad panic attack its scary thinking we just wont exsist no nore its a scary thought I try focusing on the good things in my life kids, health that makes me feel better

[Catherine S]

Well at least the fear you have is about dying in old age! So you reckon you're going to spend the next 50 odd years worrying about this? I'm 60 yrs old now and my anxiety started in my 20s and because of health anxiety...just another fear of death...I've wasted all those years, all that nervous energy, all those panic attacks! But I no longer fear it, I just look forward to the next 20 years if I'm lucky enough not to come down with a real illness. Get on with living and stop thinking about dying in old age.

[RoseEve]

I fear this as well. Here is a quote that helps me "life is a lock and death is the key, open it up and then you're free."

[UnknownUser]

Thanks to everyone who has replied.

I am really scared this fear will never be controllable and I will live out the rest of my life this way. I am scared it'll just get worse and worse the older I get. It's like I instinctively keep trying to find a way to escape death and when I can't I panic and cry. This fear is sucking the joy out of my life, as when I feel happy suddenly my brain reminds me of death and I feel tense and with a lump in my throat.

It makes me so angry too. If we just die and that's it, then life is totally pointless and I am angry that I was even born. If I were never born I would never have to be afraid and have nothing to lose. It makes me glad I don't want children of my own, because I won't introduce more people to a pointless and cruel world where you just die and become nothing. They won't have to suffer the loss of people they love either. I don't want to die, but I do often think it would be easier if I had not been born. The damage is done now though, I am here :(. In my eyes, I could fill my life with joy, or I could live alone in a box, but if nothingness is what awaits us all then what does it matter? It's not like we could look back on our good memories if we're just gone. It makes everything futile.

The only thing that gives me a glimmer of hope is anything that suggests death is not the end. It's is the only thing. I am so tired of this, I feel trapped by my phobia and like I will never be able to fully enjoy anything again :(

[natperez89]

I felt like that for a really long time what I do now is I'm trying to take it a day at a time and enjoying theittle things it came to a point where I felt no other emotion but fear.. I was so scared to die yet I didn't wanna like that way.. I get bad thoughts all the time and it sucka because when I am actually enjoying sething I get that feeling of doom and it ruins it I hope one day I can be normal again