New to the forum but not to anxiety

[Alwaysanxious1]

Hi everyone ive decided to take the step and post to the forums. Thinking this could help me to share my thoughts and worries and maybe some other fellow suffers.

Ive browsed the forum for years on and off but never had the guts to actually post or reply.

My health anxiety, ocd, generalized anxiety disorder and social phobias are a left over gift from my uncle who sexually and emotionally abused me from the age of 7 until i was 15. His bullying however continued until i finally told my parents at the age of 30.

Im 34 next month, happily married mum to four amazing children.

My health anxiety has always been the main burden on my life. I remember it starting when i was 17 shortly after having my first baby.
Since then i have a huge list of what i thought at the time were real life threatening illnesses. A sinus infection was a brain tumour, High blood pressure because i was in panic at that time became heart failure ext.. At first it seemed i lived in my doctors, always seeking reassurance even when that would only help for a few hours before my mind would create scenarios and that feeling of dread and doom would reappear and i craved some relief once again.

When i was 19 i received results of a borderline smear test and of course thought the worst. After what seemed to be weeks of living hell i got the results of a small infection and for some silly reason i decided i couldnt put myself through that again.

Then started my avoidance..

I still to this day avoid doctors, dentists, any medical profession. I even panic when i take the dog to the vets!

2012 was going great until september when i had spotting a couple of days before my period. This was unusual for me so of course i sent myself into panic mode after putting off my smear test for so long.

I took the step and went to the doctor and convinced myself that i had cervical cancer. I waited for the postman each day with that feeling of pure panic.

Once my results finally arrived they took my anxiety to the next level. I had severe changes and needed tests and treatment. I thought that was it. Id left it so long, this was bad!

After having my treatment and a hell of a time waiting for biopsy results they came back with pre cancerous cells only. I had the all clear 6 months after another biopsy.

My anxiety was so bad at that time i was given diazipan and sleeping tablets to get through it. Id say this was the worst point in my life and lost alot of weight from not eating. Safe to say it was my anxiety making me ill.

This past year ive lived in my safe bubble. I cant leave the house without having panic so i avoid this too.

Last week i had a call from my mum who told me my abusive uncle has leukemia and has 5-10 years left to live. I have doubts but thats a whole other story.

After hearing this news it brought memories back, for two days they replayed in my mind over and over again.
Then started some chest pains.. anxiety related? I dont know but of course my mind has now invented a whole load of worse case scenarios..

I took myself off my medication in january. Silly i no!
So now im back in that living hell once again.. wishing for a normal life that others have with normal money worries ext..

I had counselling last year and im trying to use those methods at the moment to try and help me with this latest battle.

I no the right thing to do would be to contact my doctor but that will be a last resort.. avoidance again :(

Hope to chat to some of you soon A x

[Trueman]

Well first off hi! I'm new to site as well. But most importantly from reading your post I think you need to give yourself a big hug with how well you have been dealing with these issues over the years. I know you don't think so but actually you have. You could have made things a lot worse for yourself and all those issues I would imagine have been in self defence/self preservation having undergone such a traumatic situation earlier on in your life.

What's more is you recognise how your response to day to day situations has affected you and are reaching out. All great things!

One day at a time, baby steps forward. Huge strides will follow. There will always be bad days but I'm learning slowly to try to approach them differently. Rationally. From time to time I slip into bad habits/irrational thoughts but I believe here, you can get support to pull you out of that hole!